Title: To Make You Happy
Disclaimer: I don't own anything
Summary: Five went back in time to 2002 alone and tried to fix things for Vanya, his family, and the whole world.
The absolute first memory Five had of Vanya came from about the time when they were four or three years old. It was the time before the others accepted their names, and before they even knew what it meant to be a part of the Umbrella Academy or what life, in general, was about. It was during breakfast when one of the countless nannies they had over the years before dad had Grace built wouldn't let Seven leave the table until she finished her oatmeal.
Everyone else finished, Number One and Two first always trying to outrun each other, him and Three next and then Four and Six who would have been faster if Four wasn't tickling Six all the time causing him to laugh hard instead of eating.
'Alright, children you're all free to go, except for you Seven. You won't leave that chair until you finish your food,' said the nanny, whose name or looks, Five couldn't recall even if he tried.
The others started to leave probably to play upstairs while he remained by the table looking at Seven.
'I'm going to wait for you.'
He didn't know why he wanted to wait for her if perhaps he liked to play with her more than with the others or if he just wanted to upset the nanny.
She shook her head and put the spoon down. She didn't want to eat, so she wouldn't no matter how long she would have to sit there.
'Number Seven, do not make me go get Sir Hargreeves,' warned the nanny.
Five could tell, Seven wasn't happy about the way she spoke to her, she looked angry. For whatever reason, that made him worried. He didn't know why since he doubted Seven could be scary when she was angry. She was just a little girl, shorter than all of them. Yet, with the way she was looking at the nanny with a frown that made her almost look like a different person altogether, Five couldn't help but reach out and took her hand, 'I'll wait for you, Seven.'
She looked at him the frown gone. They never frown at each other. Just smiled. He liked it more when they smiled.
'Then we can play,' he assured her smiling at her which always made her smile as well. She liked to play with him as much as he liked to play with her. It made them both happy.
She nodded and took the spoon again eating even if she didn't look too happy about it or like she enjoyed the food. But she wanted to play with him, so she would do it this one time. For him.
Five didn't think about that memory in a long time. Over the course of his life he thought about other moments in their lives and memories they shared together but not of that one. It seemed strange, almost untrue. Why would Vanya look so upset? She was never upset. She sometimes looked happy or angry, but never so profoundly. And why was he nervous about her being upset with a nanny? Nannies came and went in their early years seemingly never sticking around long enough, which he thought was due to being overwhelmed with the responsibilities of taking care of six extraordinary children – well seven, he supposed. Now, however, he knew that memory wasn't made up or strange. Now it made sense almost perfectly. Now, when the world was about to end again with him looking at the pieces of the moon falling down on earth surrounded by his siblings, he knew the memory was probably the only real one he had of Vanya, of the real Vanya.
As they all saw the pieces of the moon approaching the earth at rapid speed, Five couldn't help, but think back to a memory of books and toys floating in the air as Seven screamed at the top of her lungs for Two to apologize for some reason. Then came a memory of dad telling Pogo to get ride of a body of the nanny lying on the kitchen floor while Vanya started at her with little to no interest. He couldn't recall the specifics, honestly, until now, Five would have thought all those incident and fragments were a fantasy or memory of an odd dream. However, while awaiting for his own and billion others deaths put many things he thought were just fantasies or dreams into a new perspective. Anger fists, screaming, things cracking. Was she always like this? Was Vanya always a destructive person by nature, and dad did the best he could by numbing her down with pills instead of killing her?
Five briefly turned around to look at his sister lying helplessly in Allison's arms not even awake for her grand finale. Her ultimate revenge on the world that made her feel so insignificant, lonely, and ordinary.
So this is how it all ends?
His mind was racing trying to match his heartbeat with ideas and calculations.
No, no! It couldn't be!
He didn't…he didn't survive forty-five years in hell only to come back and end up dead. He-he wouldn't allow it! He forbade it. He gave up everything to come home. Everything! He survived a wasteland. He-he tossed away his humanity and drained his hands in blood. He freaking ended up in his pre-pubescent body and for what? To await the end along with his family? What kind of a sick reward was that?
'Fuck it!' he cursed knowing the others probably didn't hear him at all too content in their own despairs and mistakes awaiting the end.
As Five looked from Luther to Diego to Allison to Klaus and ultimately back to Vanya, he begged for forgiveness for what he was about to do. Once again, he decided to run away from his family, from his home, from his time and time travel. Once again, he decided to go against his father's orders and wishes and go try his luck in the Russian roulette of jumping in time, this time to the past. Once again, he decided to risk everything he had for a shot of something better.
He would have sworn it was getting worse each time as he collapsed on the backyard of the mansion choking out his insides in the middle of a night of the unknown date. He was still weak from the fighting and bullet wound. Courtesy of the Handler.
'Good evening, Number Five,' he didn't have to look up to recognize the annoyingly snobbish and sure of himself voice of his dad, 'I hope this feeling of nausea will serve you enough as a lesson to ban any future acts of disobedience you might feel in the future.'
He didn't want to, but he still glanced up to confirm that his father looked very much the same as he did during the time Five first time traveled, 'Go inside and get yourself clean. We shall discuss your punishment when everyone else is present.'
Of course, they would.
Five didn't waste time and jumped into his office, got the small revolver he kept in his safe he thought no one knew the combination off, and then made his way to Vanya's room.
Empty.
Her bed was empty which threw him off for a moment. Did she go for a late-night snack? Did she go to the bathroom? He waited a couple of extra moments trying to listen for any movement, but when he was greeted with nothing a thought crossed his mind.
No, fucking way.
He jumped to his room and of fucking course, there she was laying on his bed, tugged into his covers with her face against the window away from him and the door.
He covered his mouth as he was sure he would let out a humorless maniac laugh at any moment.
Of course, she was here. Of course, she would be here in his room of all places. Fuck! Did the universe ever want to give him a break? Or did it just love to screw him over so damn much?
His eyes closed trying to block the image of her peaceful frame away only to be met with the image of a different Vanya, older Vanya from 2019 that was glowing with her eyes empty almost dead sucking the life out of him and the others looking like a stranger, not the sister he once adored so much.
He opened his eyes and pulled his hand away.
He felt his stomach drop once again as he saw her now but for a completely different reason. Sweat covered his palms and the back of his neck. This should be easy. He had done this before. Many times. So many times. He did it to people who were far more innocent and fragile-looking than her. She killed billions in one sitting without seemingly emotion or care. She was about to kill them as well.
He killed a child once too. He killed many people. It should have been easy. He saw her end in the world. Twice. He saw her damn him into a life a solitude, loneliness, hunger, and madness where he slowly died every second breathing the ash caused by her destruction. It should be easy. He should hate her for that. He should be angry with her for that and feel resentment toward her for that. He should be able to do this. He left his siblings in 2019 once again to die for this. He had to do this. He had to stop her. He had to stop the apocalypse.
In the wasteland, there were only two things that made him more forward, which made him hold onto some sanity. The hope that he would one day make it back and stop the apocalypse, and his family. Nothing else could survive it there, nothing else did survive it there.
Five, the thirteen-year-old boy, who thought he could do anything he wanted and still come out on top of it, died in that place. He died when he found his siblings dead when he found Vanya's book re-telling the future he missed because he was gone, re-telling Ben's dead. All his siblings were dead because Vanya ended the world. Twice. Twice, he couldn't stop it, couldn't avoid it. Twice he failed everyone. But not this time. No, this time, he wouldn't fail, this time he would do what was needed to be done, what was always requested of him what-
The gun tugged behind his belt weighted a ton all of the sudden.
What is this?
Why can't he just get a grip and do what is needed to be done? What he did so countless times before? Why did it feel like he was made of stone? Why couldn't he just take the gun, and do it?
She did it. She ended the world. She killed everyone. Their siblings included.
She killed everyone and caused you to be alone and scared and-
He pulled the gun from his belt. He would have to do it. There was no other choice. If dad couldn't control her…dad who told him not to time travel, and he still did and fucked it up-
When Vanya turned around in her sleep, her face on display to him, he froze once again.
She looked so peaceful sleeping in his bed, probably worried all day or days about him since he wasn't sure how long he was gone. A day, a week, a month? She looked the same. She looked the same as she did on the front cover of her book playing her precious violin. She looked the same as she did when he looked at her at the dining table, as she shook her head at him not to do it, not to go, not to leave her. She looked like Vanya. She looked like his Vanya. Not the broken and sad woman he found in 2019, but his still hopeful, still caring sister, best friend, his Vanya.
How was he supposed to do it now? He didn't want to see her face. She had her back to him. It was easier. He would just see brown hair nothing else. It would be better that way. He would make it quick. One-shot right in the back of her head like a coward. She wouldn't even feel it. Maybe she was dreaming of something nice. Was she dreaming of them eating sandwiches behind the staircase where no one would bother them and they could talk freely? Was she dreaming about the time he managed to snuck her out of the house, and they went for ice cream grinning like idiots when they tried to imitate their siblings? Was she dreaming about something else? Something new? Was she dreaming about him coming home, so they could be together again? Happy? Would they be?
If he came home, if he managed to come back home sooner, would-would they are happy? Could he have saved her from herself and the loneliness? He was a good brother to her. He was an asshole, but he didn't think he was to her. He could annoy her he knew, but she put up with him still. She looked happy when they were together. She beamed and laughed and she blush-
If he had come back home, he could have made her happy. He could have saved her from her loneliness and despair. He could have saved the world along with her.
His hands would shake less. This…this wasn't right. This wasn't how it should have been. She looked so-so innocent and fragile. She looked like herself. She looked like the girl, he left behind, the girl who had the softest smile and caring eyes, the girl who played the violin and wanted so desperately to be a part of their world because she didn't feel she was a part of the family if she wasn't a part of the academy.
I don't belong anywhere because of you.
It was true. He told the bitch, the Handler, and it was true. She made him a killer and made it impossible for him to belong here, to the academy, to his family ever again.
When the Handler came, when she offered him the freedom and escape from that hellhole he had been surviving for the last forty-five years in exchange for pulling triggers, he didn't think it would matter. He just wanted to get out. He just needed to get out. He was dying there, and he couldn't come home on his own. He just couldn't. He was stuck, and he needed her and her stupid Commission to get out…whatever was the price.
But then when he actually did it, when he pulled his first trigger and watched his mark fall to the ground lifeless, he couldn't help himself but feel shocked at how little it affected him, at how little he felt over the man's death. Sure, the target was no one, Five knew, but still, Number Five used to be a hero from the Umbrella Academy, raised to fight crime, raised to safe people. He wasn't raised to be a cold-hearted killer, but the gun in his hand felt almost natural and the emptiness of his chest disturbing. As he cleaned the scene, he thought about dad. What would he say about one of the Academy members turning into this? What about the others? Ben would be horrified, no doubt try to get into his conscious, maybe the rest as well. Although, he wasn't sure.
What about Vanya?
He froze in place as she crossed his mind. It felt nightmarish to imagine her standing there looking at the blood he was cleaning from the floor confused and shocked.
'Five… Five, what did you do?' he couldn't recall her voice, but even the thought caused a shiver to run through his back.
No!
No more of that. No more of unnecessary guilt trips or feelings over things he couldn't change. He made a deal with the Handler. He owed her his life and whatever time he had left in the land of the living.
'Sorry, Vanya. Forgive me for not being as good as you thought I was,' he silently said to the image of Vanya, of the pure, thirteen-year-old girl with long soft chestnut hair and big carrying Bambi eyes.
As Five watched Vanya now, he wondered just how selfish he was. He asked for forgiveness for the monster he became, but here he was with a gun offering none of the same forgiveness for the monster Vanya had become.
'Five,' her voice was barely louder than a whisper but felt like a shout in the room where the only sounds seemed to be their breaths and his thoughts, 'What are you doing?'
What was he doing indeed?
Did he really come here to kill her? Kill her on the spot before she would end the world again? Kill her without a second thought? A second chance? Was he that much of a monster? He knew he was a monster. He killed so many people. The commission ruined him. They took something inside him and let it out, free into the world to hunt for blood and violence. He could kill anyone, but Vanya…Vanya…
Why were his hands shaking so much?
Before he could reply, the gun still in his hand, Vanya's hand snatched his wrist (when did he come so close to the bed?) and started to pull him toward the bed, toward her, 'It's cold. Don't wake up Klaus…he will cry again.'
Was she still asleep?
She looked asleep even if she was talking. Maybe she was in that middle between awake and asleep not ready for either of the two.
He allowed her to pull him and lay down next to her under his covers realizing only now he was shivering as he hid the gun inside the pocket of his jacket.
This was a mistake. All of it. It was doomed from the start. Someone else would have been stronger enough to do it. Someone else would have made the call and end it before it would once again result in a tragedy, but Five was weak. He would shot anyone who would tell him that, but deep down he knew he was weak for one thing, his family, his siblings. The only ones he thought about in the apocalypse day and night wondering what had happened, if they still thought about him as well.
Vanya moved closer to him with confidence that told him she was really asleep before she opened her eyes only slightly, 'What's that?'
When he felt her hand try to reach close to his pocket, and the gun was hidden there, he snatched her hand and spun her around pulling her back toward his chest as if he wanted to spoon her, 'It's nothing.'
'I made you…a sandwich,' she mumbled, 'Peanut-butter…'
'Thanks, Vanya,' he replied without meaning it.
She let out a soft hum probably forgetting all about it and once again drifting to sleep while Five laid away thinking. Did he really go mad? Did he really try to do it? Kill her on the spot like it meant nothing? Like it wouldn't be a big deal?
He couldn't stop shaking for what felt like hours still thinking about it all. He was going to be sick for sure. He wanted to puke again but pulled it together pressed Vanya firmly against him reminding himself she was still a child, and he had time. More time than before. Years, almost two decades. It would be enough. It would have to be.
He would make sure it would be.
Vanya caused the apocalypse because of Harold Jenkins, because of the Commission, because she was too damn lonely and no one seemed to want to save her from that terrible thing. Five would. He would save her. He would save her and save the girl. He could do it. He would do it.
His hand rose on its own and he stroke her chestnut hair earning a soft sleepy moan.
He would kill Harold Jenkins, make it look like an accident, the Commission wouldn't know. He could deal with them as well, pretend he wasn't anyone important, that he just came back, but didn't know anything about the apocalypse or the future. He would be a good brother, and best friend again. He would fill Vanya with care and company. He would make her…he would make her happy.
He would make her so damn happy as much as humanly possible. He would fill her life with happiness. He would make her so happy she would choke on it, and save her from becoming the hollow shell she was in 2019. He would stop the apocalypse. He would save everyone. He would save his family.
He buried his face against her hair breathing in the smell somewhere in the back of his mind he seemed to recall and smirked like a maniac. He will do that for her. He will fucking do all of that for her. He used to be Commission's god so why not be Vanya's bitch if that would save everyone? Who knew he might even like it.
Yeah, that was what he would do.
Five liked to think most of his plans were made thanks to careful calculation and observation. Every possibility was accounted for until he could come up with the perfect, flawless plan, to achieve his goals with most efficiency and precision.
The truth was most of his plans were made out of desperation.
This one wasn't any different.
It was challenging. It required far more for Five to give than he ever originally thought he would have to. The plan was always the same. Figure out the equations, make it back home to his family, stop the apocalypse. He dreamed about it all, prayed for it to whatever was out there in the universe if anything and wished for it upon every damn star he ever saw. He never wanted anything in his damn life more than for it to happen. It was an obsession and the biggest one out of all of them was to stop the apocalypse.
But now that he was here. Now that all the pieces of his puzzles fell where they should, and he could see through the small picture to the big one knowing exactly what happened and who was responsible, he was astonished by himself and angry at how little he actually thought about what it would be like to get back.
He was back with his family. Great.
He was in his thirteen soon fourteen-year-old body. Less great.
He was forty-five years older than them. Not great at all.
They were still the thirteen-year-old kids with childish ideas, growing daddy issues, and all those little annoying habits he completely erased from his memories when he was in the wasteland. It was true when it was over you only thought about the goods things, so Five only thought about the goods stuff and how much he would give anything to be with them again. However, now that he was here and had to deal with them, with literal pre-teenage kids, he couldn't help but occasionally wondered about jumping back to the wasteland for an hour or so to get away from all of that.
It was cruel and ungrateful, he knew, but at the same time, he couldn't help it as he felt like a babysitter most of the time wondering how did his siblings manage to survive for seventeen years without him. Right, they didn't.
It wasn't completely bad. Before getting stuck his mind had to be filled with ideas and theories about time-traveling, he was a genius after all who needed something to work now. Now, his mind was filled with safety hazards and protection protocols to save and improve his siblings' lives.
It maybe wouldn't be horrible at all if it didn't require one thing, Five hated even before he ran away – heart to heart siblings chats. Luckily, it also required some 101 Commission manipulation that made him feel somewhat like he was on a mission so he could pretend all of the things he said were fake. Even if somewhere deep down he knew they weren't. He missed his siblings, and even if they were kids again, at times it was easier to deal with kids than adults. They were more trusting and less damaged. They were still hopeful, and they could still be saved.
He still had time to save them.
So he got to work. Little by little, he started to push Luther more toward expressing his feelings for Allison. He knew what happened to him when he stayed in the house for too long, and that he would forever be tormented by his first love and being left sad and alone if he wasn't with her.
Five knew by doing so Allison would never meet Patrick and have Claire, but in the great scheme of things, a niece not even born was easier to let go than a sister who smiled at him softly at the kitchen table every morning when she wished him good morning. He tried to tell himself it was for the best. He could tell there was something between the two even in 2019. In fact, he was doing them both a favor in not delaying the inevitable and saving them heartache and bad boyfriends on the way. They should be freaking grateful and name their firstborn after him.
He tried to spend more time with Diego, and let him vent to him about whatever the hell he wanted to. He was too angry for his own good, and even if during sparing it was a bit disappointing and frustrating to hold back because his siblings weren't even close to his level now, Diego was proving to be a worthy opponent in the future. Five never realized how often did his brother talk about leaving the house and what he would do afterward, but it was clear he would always want to help people any way he could. It was a rule, that during TV time, Five purposely filled Number Two's head with crime TV shows and cop shows. In Vanya's book, she wrote he always had a deeper hero instinct than the others, but that because of his anger it transformed into violence. Five tried to push the hero in him above the angry man hoping it would be enough to make him stay in the academy this time around.
He would think Klaus would be the easiest. Get him off of drugs. It took a lot of tears, fights, broken furniture, destroyed stashes, and letting him sleep in his room while he took the floor, but Five felt pretty satisfied with his work. He was still Klaus, and Five had enough honor left not to be a hypocrite about booze and weed as long as he stayed away from the heavy stuff. Not to mention all Klaus really needed was Ben apparently to be able to punch him or throw away his goods.
Ben was a bit of a wild card but proved to be the easiest. Five knew enough to know how to save his life, but he had no idea about the person Ben would become afterward. Then again, there was a reason Ben used to be his second favorite person in the house, better than all of them in the end, as he seemed to have just needed to survive that one time in order to continue to help Five keep the balance between their siblings without even knowing he did it. The best of them indeed.
Vanya could have been the easiest.
Five wanted to make her happy.
In order to that, she needed to feel like she wasn't alone. So Five stayed with her, was near her, kept her company every spare moment even moments he didn't have to spare. She included her in most of his schemes about their siblings and made sure, she always had something to do even when they weren't together. He apologized again for leaving without saying goodbye and promised not to do so again. She seemed to forgive him without a second thought just happy he was with her.
Next in order, to make Vanya happy, he needed her to feel more like she was a part of the house, the Academy, the family. He made sure, to pressure and manipulate the others to do the same. It wasn't hard once he got on all of their goods sides and earned their trust. Also, they all cared for her in their own way, but growing up in this house with their dad, it was hard to show it.
It could have been enough. Maybe it would have been enough. Vanya looked happy about it all. She looked content and thrilled whenever she was spending time with the others, and it was obvious she liked to spent time with him the most as it used to be. Five would be lying if he didn't confess, he enjoyed it as well. It felt almost like old times. It felt good. It felt like he was reliving his happiest memories.
When he said something like that before he left he remembered how her eyes sparkled as she asked, 'Promise?' And he replied promise. She believed him. She believed him, and it was enough for her to go through another day with their dad being an asshole and her being an outsider. She looked like she was happy. She looked like she could be happy.
It could have been enough. She could have been the easiest to fix, to protect, to save, but Five decided to push it further.
It happened about a week after he was back slowly adjusting to life as a thirteen-year-old superhero back where he left off, that Vanya came to his room and closed the door. He spent more time with her of course. If she was lonely and upset about being alone, he would have to spend as much time with her as humanly possible dad and everything else be damned.
'Can we talk?' she asked her voice was soft and her face filled with concern.
He had to refresh his memory about things that were happening before he left. There were a lot of things he forgot, but he didn't hear anything about Vanya being concerned. When they woke up the next morning after he came back, she looked genuinely surprised but relieved not showing any distress or the haunting he saw in her face when he met her in 2019. She was still young, and naïve and so damn hopeful it melted his heart right away. Could it be that simple? The key, the formula to stopping the apocalypse just making sure Vanya stayed happy? Or at least happy enough like she was now?
No, he could never kill her not when she was like this. Not when there was still time. Not when there was still hope.
'Sure, what's on your mind?' he asked, and she pointed at his face, 'I actually wondered what was on yours. You seemed troubled. You haven't smile properly since you came back.'
He blinked at her shocked by such an idea. He hadn't smiled? And she noticed? But then he remembered. Right, this was Vanya from 2002. This Vanya was still caring and tried to help her siblings any way she knew how. Oh, he missed this Vanya so much.
He shook his head and tried to smile although he had to admit it was a bit challenging. When did he stop smiling? He couldn't help the occasional smirk due to his childish siblings' shenanigans or their dad's complaints. He found it amusing, how the old man used to be someone he looked up to and wished for his approval and now felt nothing. Even less than nothing to be completely honest with himself.
It was almost a bit ironic, she told him he smiled less since that was the first thing, he wanted to tell her when he came to her apartment, but again it was a silly thought, and he didn't have the time for it back then. If he did make time in 2019 would things turn out differently? Maybe not, maybe it was already too late by the time, he showed up. But he would make damn sure now it wouldn't be too late.
'I smile, see?' he asked as he tried, and but Vanya shook her head, 'What's wrong? You can tell me, you know? Is it about dad punishing you about talking about time travel and running away?'
But he couldn't tell her. He couldn't tell anyone. Not without causing even more mistakes and potentially ruining completely his last chance to save everyone. This time, he had to do everything by himself. This time he had to make everything right. Keeping Vanya in the dark and carrying on dad's dirty secret about her pills just another of the long list of sins he decided to fill his soul with.
He shook his head and took her into his arms into a firm hug. It wasn't something he used to do very often. If he ever did hug her it was a special moment. If she was so happy, she beamed like the sun telling him about how dad praised her playing the violin. Or if she was so sad, she was practically choking on her own tears because the others didn't want her to sneak out with them. Out of practice or not, he knew it would have the same effect on her. He knew it would cause her to believe she made him feel better and satisfy her own worries for him, 'Thanks, Vanya, you're the best.'
It still felt fake when he said it probably because he knew it came out of an attempt to make her feel better. It didn't matter if a part of him still believed that she was. If he didn't, he would have shot her that first night, but he didn't. He knew he could save her as well. He knew he could change the future and their fates. He knew she deserved to be saved. He would save her.
When he let her go and looked at her trying to smile again was the first time, he saw it since he came back.
Oh, right, he forgot about that.
It was a long time ago. He was still a boy back then. Then he had Dolores and The Commission and when he came back, he was an old man in the body of a boy, and Vanya was so different and there was literally no time to remember.
But back when they were kids there was something between them. Not as noticeable as between Luther and Allison. Five would like to think even as a kid, he was better at keeping himself and his emotions in check not to get used by dad the way they were, but at the same time, he knew something was there. It was soft, and it was a secret between the way they looked at one another and occasionally touched one another. It was warm causing Five to sometimes think about Vanya in the dark of the night in his room in ways he couldn't explain. It was heavy enough not to want to give it away to anyone but still carry it on his own. It was something special. Sometimes in the wasteland, when he wanted to think about something other than his equations, family that he missed so much, or food, Five humored himself by imagining that something could have lead to something more if he had stayed, and maybe Vanya's smile on the cover of her book would have been brighter.
Still, the moment, he looked at her face, he could see the fainted blush covering her face and her eyes looking sheepishly away. It could have been easy. He would just play the part of her devoted and good brother protecting her from anyone and everything and making sure she was as happy as humanly possible surrounded by their family or not in 2019.
But seeing her blush like that threw him back to the thirteen-year-old he used to be. It threw him then back to the apocalypse wasteland where he starved all alone for decades. And then he was back in her apartment when she didn't believe him and let herself get seduces by some psychotic serial killer.
Five's hand reached for her cheek, soft and warm under his touch something he could get used to touching, and before he could change his mind, he pulled her face closer and kissed her on her other cheek counting to three before he leaned away.
'I feel better already,' he told her as he could almost hear how quickly her heart speeded up and saw her face turn even darker.
When he smiled, he was sure she couldn't even tell it wasn't the way he used to smile when he was as free, naïve and hopeful as her. Nevertheless, he almost felt like it as he watched her mumble something close to you're welcome and nod at him before hurrying away.
If he was thirteen he would either be calling himself an idiot for doing that feeling probably just as embarrassed as Vanya did or grinning like an idiot feeling excited jumping all over the place while trying and failing to look like it didn't affect him.
He wasn't really thirteen, so instead, he jumped outside and went to find Harold Jenkins and kill him while something dark growing inside his chest.
When he was in the wasteland, he swore to himself, he would do anything he could to stop the apocalypse. There was no point in trying to protect his soul when he had billions counting on him without even knowing it. This would be just another sin on his list. Nothing more nothing less.
In order for Vanya to be happy, she needed someone in her life, who would make her feel loved like a woman, isn't that what she was looking in Jenkins? A connection beyond family and friends? A love interest, a partner, a man?
And that day in his room, Five decided he would be that person and all of those things for her. Vanya was different. She was different from the rest of the world, the way they all were, not just because of their powers, but also because of their upraising since she was single before she met Jenkins it was obvious she hadn't had luck in the relationship department. It wasn't hard to understand why. Not many could relate to their upraising and live at least based on the evidence of all his other siblings' failed relationships. He didn't think that would have changed even if he did improve her future and made her a calmer and confident version of herself.
It was simple really.
Only a Hargreeves could understand a Hargreeves completely.
Everyone else was an outsider.
And so only someone from their family could serve as a love interest and partner for Vanya in the future giving her a life she wanted and perhaps a family if she was up for it. Since Luther and Allison were out, he was sure Diego could make it work with his cop lady the second time around if he wasn't such an idiot, and Klaus and Ben had their own thing going on which was amusing, interesting and a bit annoying to watch at times. He was the only person up for the task. Not to mention, he was almost sure, he would be the only one to actually be able to make it work. They were close, and they understood each other. He wasn't pretending or faking it. They were both silent in their own way even if he was more confident than her. They could work together. Five could picture a life with Vanya when he was in the Apocalypse, so why not make it a reality? If he hadn't left he could have had a life with her, this was his second chance. None of the others could understand it anyway how high the stakes were and what would happen if he…failed.
But he wouldn't fail. Because he couldn't fail again.
Most of the time it was easy. They were children after all, and Vanya, this Vanya, this version of Vanya, was the one he left behind and was most familiar with, and dare he said even liked more than the sad, depressed, and vengeful one from 2019.
He just had to appear more cheerful or childlike at times, but after a while, he figured he didn't even have to as they were slowly heading toward their teens years. Most of the time it was easy. It was the same as before he left. He talked to her about his ideas, some old ones, he already long didn't care for, but with adding time also new ones showing more of himself as he was now. He spent time with her. He listened to her play. He stayed in her room or have her in his room. Most of the time they acted the same way they used to like good brother and sister, like best friends, like two close souls.
Then there were times, he did something more.
It was still very childlike. She was a kid, and his body only now started to grow the way it should. He wasn't even doing it with anything sexual in mind. But the more he thought about it, the more he wondered if what he was doing wasn't so much worse.
It was for the good of the world, Five told reminded himself as he smirked at Vanya during lunch putting his palm over her knee causing her to blush.
It was for the good of the world, he told himself when he pulled her to the side to praise how she played or joke about one of the others' siblings before brushing her hair behind her ear and telling her that she was too pretty to hide her face like that.
It was for the good of the world, he insisted as he practically got her to sit on his knees while they were all trying to fit into a single booth in Griddy's when they snuck out with the others.
It was for the good of the world, he agreed with himself as he kissed her throat feeling a spark of possession upon the soft sigh she let out.
It was for the good of the world, he assured himself as he eavesdropped on her and Allison's girl night when she sheepishly confessed, she had a crush on him.
It was for the good of the world.
Death would have been merciful.
This was cruel.
Death would have been death. The end with no hope. This gave them hope, not just for Vanya or him, but also for Luther, Diego, Allison, Klaus, and Ben. This gave hope to the world that it would live to see another day after April the 1st 2019. This was everything.
But it didn't make it feel any less cruel or like a lie.
He knew all too well this was probably the lowest of the low he ever had to go through, but at the same time, did it really matter if it meant saving everyone?
He wanted to kill her when he came back to 2002 if she ever found out she would be horrified. How much worse would it have been for her to know he was seducing her on purpose? It wasn't like he was leading her on and planning to leave her. Far from it. Five planned to stay with her forever and keep her as happy as possible growing up the way they did.
It was a mission, he knew that. It was the same as with the others. He cared for them. He loved them. They were his family, and he wanted only the best for them. So all the lies and manipulations were justified in the name of the greater good.
Making Vanya feel loved and fall in love with him was a part of that mission. He still cared for her, loved her, and wanted to make her happy, but he knew it was fake as well. Maybe if he never left, they could have had this for real. They could have manifested their crushes into something deeper and fallen in love like young people do and have all of that honest and pure and the right way. But now he would have to make the best of what he had. He would have to play his part, and do his best and make it all work out in the end.
For the greater good. To save the world. To save their family. To save Vanya.
It was that simple. He would fix their family enough so that Vanya would have a connection with them and have a good family in 2019 who would look after her.
But she would still need a partner, a boyfriend, a husband, someone close who would fill her with security and love that people crave in their life. He doubted he would find anyone on this planet who would understand the way she grew up and what she had been through. He doubted there was anyone who would be able to protect her and make her as happy as he could know what would happen if she wasn't. It was very simple if he thought about it like that.
It was a logical conclusion.
'Promise me you will never like anyone more than me, Vanya,' he told her as they were finishing up their homework in the library.
She blushed all the way to the beginning of her hairline, and nodded, 'I promise Five.'
At first, there were small touches, hugs, light kisses on the skin that caused her to blush all the way to her ears.
He had to admit it was cute, and that she looked adorable all embarrassed like that. When he was a kid, he always thought she was cuter and even prettier than Allison and the fangirls that were surrounded around the house. Even as an adult woman, Five preferred her silent beauty to some of the more vulgar ones others found gorgeous. It was good that he did. That and the fact that he genuinely cared for her help to maintain the act and know he could continue on with it in the future. He didn't think he would be able to pretend that long if he didn't find her pretty or found her annoying.
Even if it was all of part of his plan. Every touch and word a calculative move to make her care for him more and believe he cared for her, sometimes he wasn't completely sure. It wasn't like he was thinking about every word he spoke or everything he did. He had his main plan to make her believe him, but he often caught himself just acting without thinking.
At first, he would think it would be hard to be natural about it, and he would have to plan in advance his touches and moves. He was never a very touchy person. Apart from those nights on leave from the Commission or during a fight he had zero physical contact with people. However, sometimes, it was just…natural.
They would be on his bed reading, and she would reach out to brush his hair. He wouldn't even think and grab her wrist pressing a kiss to her palm.
They would be sitting next to one another, and he would put his arm over her shoulders keeping her close or letting her head rest against his shoulder.
He would find his fingers playing with her soft hair while reading a new theory, or he would pull her closer during the night breathing her in.
All little gestures that he didn't have to think about before doing it. They all just happened. Maybe it was his caring about her. He had a soft spot for her. He used to have a crush on her. He wanted to protect and save her from everything and everyone.
He loved her, didn't he? She was still his best friend, his sister, his Vanya.
He went slow at first of course. She was the child, and he was the adult after all, but more than that he didn't want to scare or overwhelm her. He wanted to make her happy, and he figured she deserved a cute teenage romance with hand-holding, warm hugs, and soft kisses on the cheeks like all young girls dreamed of. He could give her that. He wanted to give her that.
'I'm sorry I left that time without you,' he told her while they were laying on his bed upside down his index finger writing equations to 2019 on the back of her hand.
She giggled softly, 'You already apologized for that, remember?'
'I just don't want you to ever do that to me as revenge,' he said and watched the ceiling hearing her chuckle, 'Do I strike you as a vengeful person, Five?'
Sometimes, his siblings did or said something that scared him and made him wonder if he didn't accidentally bring them back from the future as well, 'A little bit.'
It earned him a small slap on the hand before she sighed and said, 'I will never leave without you. You're my favorite person in the world.'
'Good,' he said although it didn't make him feel as good as it should have.
They kissed on their sixteen birthday.
He had a plan for it. How he would pull her aside while the others were busy and give her a cute little necklace with a white violin (the irony not lost to him), that he saw her eyes in while passing a jewelry shop. She would be thrilled and happy and look at him with those big Bambi brown eyes and thank him.
He would smile at her since she blushed from his smirks, but looked the happiest when he smiled at her. Ever since she told him his smile wasn't the same, he practiced behind the mirror. But he was sure that with the amount of affection, he was showing her, she couldn't even tell anymore if it wasn't the same carefree smile he had before.
He would put his hands on her shoulders and kissed her soundly and softly on the lips counting to five before he would pull away. It would be quick, and lovely, and Vanya would still probably find it to be too much and turn that adorable red color of hers. She was too shy for her own damn good.
The plan went mostly the same except when she did look at the necklace, Five for a moment remembered the pain of being ten feet above the ground having his energy suck out of him by a glowing white violin version of Vanya.
When she looked at him, he kissed her anything but softly pressing her against the wall and stopping only when it became clear she would die from the lack of air if he didn't. When she kissed him back it felt like pure power like he was being charged by the sun, and for a moment he expected her eyes to be white if she would open them. Luckily, they weren't. He wasn't sure what he would do if they were.
Everything changed after that kiss.
After the kiss, there were no more soft and light touches. Five would be the biggest and worst liar in the world if he claimed he didn't enjoy it this way even more. It was probably the rotten part of him that made him this much of a bastard, but he couldn't help himself but grab her firmer and rougher whenever he could and kiss her with heated urgency that left his own head spinning. He couldn't even imagine what it did to her, but given how often he had to hold her after kissing because she looked like she was about to faint, he had a pretty decent and pleasing idea.
It was almost like he was a teenager again and was filling out the blanks of all the experience and memories he should have had growing up.
They snuck around all the time finding little moments in between to kiss, touch, and make out all the time barely leaving any room for chats like they used to. It was consuming and addictive, and he couldn't even bring himself to be worried about the way she moaned or said his name while kissing him back with passion and power that must have been inside her all along, and sometimes made him realize she really was the little angry girl somewhere deep down from his childhood memories.
He felt possessed.
He wasn't sure how it happened, but since that first kiss, he lost all control over the plan, and couldn't do anything than to kiss her and press her close whenever he could feeling like he was the one being played not her.
Since that kiss, it was like he was awakened to his hormones and urges. He saw Vanya in a completely new light. Before he thought she was pretty, but overnight she became to the most desirable creature on the planet.
'Five,' she moaned as he sucked onto her neck trying to make a lasting mark. It was all almost a delusion or a dream when they were like this. Five wondered if he didn't lose his mind somewhere in the process since he couldn't at times believed this was real.
Then he would always remind himself, that it wasn't real.
'Tell me, do you love me, Vanya?' he asked her as he had her laying under him on the bed breathing hard slowly teasing her through her shirt during the few minutes they had left before their studies.
Her eyes were closed, but she opened them upon hearing that her pupils dilated with the desire Five could taste from her mouth.
They haven't said it yet. Five always had to be the first one to go for it. He had to be the first one to do and say everything. Vanya was always shy, but once he showed her how she felt confident enough to do so as well. He didn't mind. He liked being the leader in those things.
She blinked slowly before looking at him oddly for a moment, something in her expression changing before her soft palms pressed against his cheeks.
The way she looked at him made all the initial lust fade away as something warm and delicate spread inside his chest. Something, he hadn't quite fallen like that before.
'I love you,' her voice was tender, her words honest, and Five was never happier about Diego knocking on the door and telling to come downstairs, as everything inside him shook and taste of ash filled his mouth.
Death would have been a mercy. This was a cruel lie.
Ever since he forced her to say those words out loud it was like all his dedications, all his planning, all his believe and hope were turned upside down. Before he felt the occasional stab of guilt knowing how immoral it was what he was doing, but he managed to always easily push it away. It was just another sin on his list, along with Claire, his dead siblings he left in the 2019, lying about Vanya's powers and pills.
Now, however, every time he thought about those words, he couldn't help but let the guilt flush his whole body reminding him that what he was doing to Vanya was incredibly unfair.
He forced her to love him. He seduced her. How was he better than Jenkins? Because that bastard wanted her to end the world while Five wanted to save it? Was that enough to make him better than that scum?
It shouldn't have mattered. It was too late anyway. Vanya was already involved. She loved him.
She loved him.
Besides, if it bothered him so much, he shouldn't have made her say it, but alas, he found it impossible to control himself. Every time, they were alone. Every time he had his fingers inside her panties or under her shirt and bra while looking at her face watching just how much he could make her lose control, he couldn't help, but ask it over again over again.
'Do you love me?'
'Yes.'
'Tell me, that you love me, Vanya? Say it!'
'I love you. I love you, Five'
And over and over again.
It was maddening, and he couldn't make himself stop. It was just the way she looked all helpless and at his mercy, like she would admit to anything he wanted her to, that he had to make her say it, over and over again like a prayer, like a spell, like the only real thing in the universe.
'Tell me, Vanya,' he told her as he pulled his mouth from her leaving her a breathless mess softly crying for him to come back and finish her.
'Tell me.'
'I love you, Five.'
It wasn't part of the plan. Not completely at least. He knew he needed her to fall in love with him. It was the only way, that he could assure that she would stay with him and be happy and not cause the apocalypse, but the more often he made her say it, the more he realized, it was him who needed to hear her say it, not her.
He didn't know why, or maybe he just couldn't admit to himself why, until finally came that faithful day of Reginald going away for three days and everyone acting like teenagers.
He ignored all of Allison's bright ideas to go out and locked himself and Vanya in his room immediately busing their mouths with feverish kisses, and hands with undressing. He wanted to slow down, he wanted to make it good for her, but he couldn't. He couldn't stop shaking. He couldn't stop himself from acting like a sex addict. If he wasn't trying so damn hard those first few years, he doubted he would make Vanya fall for him now when he was acting like a greedy lustful monster.
Five was rough and eager almost like he turned into a real teenager and forgot all of his past experiences. Luckily, he still managed to make it good for her. He still did all he could to make it wonderful for her.
Then as he was inside her thrusting into her harder than he should, harder than he would have if he had better control over himself, she brushed his dark hair longingly and pressed her open lips against his, 'Tell me that you love me, Five.'
He would have frozen from the shock, but he was too far gone, so instead, he kissed her closing his eyes and pushing into her deeper finding her sweet spot and making her forget about it until she wasn't screaming like a banshee through her orgasm.
Afterward, he quickly busied her with more kisses and then lullabied her to sleep with too many orgasms. He knew she wouldn't forget. Vanya was too smart and observant of that. She knew. She knew all too well.
He told her sweet nothings all the time. He expressed love for her every way he could with acts and words, yet he never said those words. He never said those specific words, and he wondered if Vanya never expected them from him because she thought he didn't need to say them or because she thought he wasn't ready.
He didn't say them before, and he would tell himself it just never came up, but deep down he knew. He knew the reason why he never said them was the same reason why he asked of them from Vanya.
Because he did love her, and he knew this wasn't real.
Yeah, death would have been less cruel than this.
It was probably always there.
The crush from his days as a kid, the affection for Vanya, any version of Vanya, even if he had a sweet spot for the one he grew up with when he was a kid too, why he wouldn't allow anyone else to take upon themselves the role of her partner, why he could almost forget everything that happened and live a happy life with her, why he never felt disgusted with himself about kissing her and touching her, about wanting her. It made sense that he loved her, that he was in love with her, probably all the time in different ways and lengths and depths.
He loved her. He was in love with her. And it wasn't real. Her feelings for him weren't real. They were made up, fabricated, and manipulated by him every step of the way, every day, every second. Everything he told her, every time he touched or kissed her, it was all a part of his plan to make her fall in love with him, to make her dependent on him, to make her want only him, to make her stay with him, be with him, be happy with him. It was all a plan to make her not cause another apocalypse. It had nothing to do with her choice. He could give her happiness. He could make her happy, but it was him forcing it upon her rather than her actually making the decision on her own. Not to mention, she didn't know him. She didn't know he was older than her. She didn't know who he used to be. She barely knew who he was now.
He pulled her closer as she was silently sleeping next to him and kissed her temple, 'I'm sorry. I love you, and I'm sorry.'
He meant it, and he wondered if she made him this soft or he always was that he did. Probably the latter when it came to her.
For a while, nothing changed. They still had their moments together permanently sleeping in Five's room since it was bigger. Reginald knew by now, but since Vanya was the only reason Five still played his little superhero act, so he turned a blind eye only once trying to warn him about her powers before dismissing him from his office.
He bit into his tongue every time he wanted to ask her or say those words during their lovemaking, and Vanya never asked again. He hoped she understood. He hoped he showered her enough with love and affection that she never had to. He wasn't sure if he wouldn't confess the truth.
What the hell has he turned into?
An old fool in love.
How pathetic.
A week after their eighteen birthday, he noticed her looking over apartments in a newspaper Ben brought her.
'You want to move out so soon?' he asked. They talked about it before. About leaving and living alone. He always planned for them to do it together. He needed to stay close to her.
However, she quickly closed it and set it aside before kissing him distracting him enough to forget he even asked before they earned a disgusted noise from Luther who was passing by.
Two months after their eighteen birthday, they come home from a mission only to find, Vanya and half of her things gone. He was about to go strangle Reginald when he found a letter in a white envelope on his bed.
It had an address inside followed by the words: Come, only if you're ready to talk about it.
A gun into his own head would have been more merciful.
He came the same night, but only late enough to know she would be asleep. It wasn't the apartment, she had in 2019. It was smaller with the kitchen and a small couch as a living room in the same room, and a single bedroom. It did have bars on the window, and Five knew based on the job flayers on the tiny kitchen table that was too big for the room, that Vanya planned to get a job while going to music school.
Five sat down on the small couch and awaited morning still dressed in his ridiculous Umbrella Academy superhero outfit. He needed a shower. He should burn the clothing afterward.
She woke up early, and even if she wrote him her address and knew he would most likely come, she still jumped away started upon his arrival, 'Shit, don't do that.'
'You left. You said you would never leave without me, and you left,' he told her knowing that wasn't the real problem, but also that the vulnerability in his voice was real. It was unfair. He left first. He left twice, but he still couldn't help it. He asked her to promise him she wouldn't leave as revenge. She promised she wouldn't.
She watched him. She looked the same as always, and he wondered if her knowing something was off was something, she always felt but let slide and he just never paid attention to it too distracted by her in general.
'When we were kids,' she started and walked to the counter to make them coffee, 'You went away, and then you came back, remember? You said you were gone a day, but that's not true, is it?'
'No,' he confessed watching her back, and wondering how easy it would be to pick her up and take her somewhere away, where he could lock her up and keep her there coming to her as a kidnapper would to his hostage. How much different would it have been from what did to her now?
'How long were you gone?' she asked and brought him a cup.
It wasn't the best coffee in the world, but it would do.
He told her everything. It took him almost three hours, and he still felt like he forgot something or left something else out. A lot had happened in the last fifty years.
A part of him expected her not to believe him, another part expected her to tell him to get out, a very little part of him hoped for her to touch his face and ask, 'Do you hate me?'
'No,' he said knowing it was the truth, 'Even when I came with a gun to kill you. I never hated you. I hated what happened. I hated what they did. I hated what you did, but not you. Never you,' he could tell she understood as she nodded. Her face was an open book.
For a moment there was silence as she was probably taking it all in before she kissed him. It had been over twenty-four hours since he last kissed her, he made sure to give it everything in case it would be the last kiss letting her feel all his love and desperation for her to know even if it wasn't real, he loved her. He really did.
She broke it first, 'Five, do you love me? Tell me that you love me.'
'I can't,' he said and swallowed fearing she would take it as rejection and hid into herself, fearing that he would lose her and whatever future and life he wanted to have with her in the future.
'Why not?' she asked calmly curious more than concerned. He knew it was partly due to him. He helped her gain some confidence over the years they were together.
'Because I do, but it's real. You wouldn't…I forced you to this,' he said and pressed his palm against her chest above her heart feeling more poetic than ever. 'Everything I did was to make you fall in love with me. Everything was to force you to want to be with me so you would never look for anyone else so you wouldn't…so you wouldn't cause the apocalypse so you wouldn't be unhappy. Do you understand?'
Her chocolate brown eyes looked amused for a moment before she said, 'You're the biggest idiot I have ever met.'
He shook his head, but she grabbed his chin and made him look at her, 'You can't force people to want you. You can't force them to lust after you. You can't force them to love you or fall in love with you.'
She slowly caressed the spot under his lower lip, 'They just do. Maybe you did make it easier to fall in love with you, but it happened on its own. I had a crush on you since we were ten, and despite your best effort, I knew you changed. You could have…,' she smirked, 'fake smiled at me all you wanted. I could tell. I could see it all, Five. You think I didn't see the way your fists shook when I annoyed you, or how unfocused your eyes became when I bored you with some topic. Despite what you think you were never the perfect pretender. I could tell.'
She smiled warmly like the sun, 'And I let you continue because I could tell despite all the pretending that you still really cared. And after you kissed me that you really did love me and want me.'
She kissed him again softer keeping her hand against his chin, 'Don't even for a second think, you're forgiven. You're going to have to work really hard for all of that. Now, tell me, you love me Five, don't you?'
Everything inside him was a mess of emotions and feelings, he didn't even know how to process them all at once. He was probably too old for this. He was probably out of his league. He miscalculated somewhere along the line. Was it ever real? Did she really cause the apocalypse? He couldn't even imagine it now. He couldn't even imagine her ever hurting anyone. This young woman, Five felt in love with was too amazing to ever do something like that, and he had nothing to do with it. He had no credit. She just was. She was just herself. Her true self.
He couldn't deal with all that was going on instead, so Five brushed forehead with his fingers as he pulled her hair away from her face, 'I love you, Vanya.'
Koniec
A.N: Thanks for reading and the support. Stay safe. Have a nice day.