A/N: I don't really have much to say on this one but prepare yourselves! I hope you all enjoy, thank you for continuing to review and read my stories. All my love to you. That being said, on with the chapter!
Chapter Twelve
A Loss To Bear
The crisp smell of fall woods tickled Helena's nose as she inhaled, her shawl lightly fluttering in the breeze. It felt cool, signaling winter would soon come to the Isles. She drew it closer around herself protectively. She'd grown so much more aware of things since she'd been with child: smells, sounds, and of course, her own limitations. She was tired so much of the time now, and so it had been for the past month. Doctor Helen recommended bedrest as the due date approached, and this news caused Heins to escalate from a defensive father-to-be into a hovering full-time guardian who never left her side.
She was confined to her room for rest when she wasn't eating, forced to pick among quiet hobbies to pass the time. There was no shortage of people to keep her company. If she read a book, Horatio was quick to suggest titles. For baking, the twins were always glad to accompany her and sample her wares. Heins had kept quite busy when not sewing items for the baby preparing the nursery with her. After being cooped up for the last several weeks in the castle, she was glad to be outdoors at last. Lily was a great comfort when the queen was busy, becoming a shared feminine friend among a sea of testosterone.
"The air is so fresh today," she remarked to Lily from the corner of her mouth, who stood beside her. "It's a perfect day to be outside. They're all going out, why can't I?"
"They'll never let you join," Lily responded in time, feeling sorry for Helena. She knew how wonderful it was to enjoy freedom.
"I have to at least ask," Helena responded as the men came around the corner, mounting their steeds, preparing their pistols, and chattering away to Hans, who had just arrived from Arendelle the day before. "Wish me luck." She hurried to Heins and Kalk, petting the strong sturdy neck of the horse and entwining her fingers in the mane. Kalk nickered pleasantly to her, brushing his nose against her elbow, bidding her to continue. Helena soothed him as she gazed up at her husband. "Heins! Wait, dear… can I talk to you?"
"Of course." He pulled the reins lightly to stop Kalk, smiling at his wife and taking on a poetic tone. "When you speak, the rest of the world is but silence."
Helena couldn't help but feel a blush rise over her cheeks, her own smile turning into a grin. She loved to hear Heins speak from his heart, and it was a part of him she hoped he never lost. "Thank you, my love. I was thinking… it's so exciting we're having the fox hunt earlier this year because of Hans visiting and the exercise would be good for the baby… can't I go along?"
"No!" Heins blurted, looking horrified before he cleared his throat and regained some composure, "I mean, I- you know I never want to tell you no my dearest, but it would be far too dangerous to have you come! And with the guns going off, and the pacing of the hunt, no, absolutely not!"
"But I'm tired of being treated like glass… I won't try to keep up with anyone… I won't even follow the hunt at all. I'll just ride behind, at a walk, on one of the forest paths," Helena begged, clasping her hands, trying to think of how to persuade him, "I'll take Buttercup. She's the sweetest mare in the world. She'd never hurt a fly."
Heins pursed his lips, tilting his head as if hemming over the thought. "But my love… if we're all ahead, you'll be alone…" He looked at her swollen belly with concern. "And so close to bringing our little one into the world, such a thought worries me…"
"Lily can come with me," she protested, "we'll go together so we're safer."
At the mention of Lily, Harald took notice, and with him stopping, the rest of the brothers followed suit, listening in to the conversation. The captain frowned slightly as he looked at Lily, who was trying to act inconspicuous. "I don't think so."
"But…" Helena started, searching for something else to convince her husband.
"Why don't you visit something calming while we're gone? The gardens, maybe… or the library!" Heins encouraged, but his smile waned as he saw Helena's features melt into disappointment. "This is really important to you, isn't it?"
"I'll stay with her, too," Elsa volunteered, raising her hand, giving her support to Helena. Having just lost a baby herself, she wanted to give the woman all the comfort she could. She had never cared much for the fox hunt, but a nice ride in the beautiful country of the Isles meant relaxation, and she needed that so very desperately. She stroked her horse's white mane gently, busying herself with braiding a few strands. "I promise we'll keep it at a leisurely pace."
"Well…" Heins seemed on the verge of giving in, scrunching up his forehead in thought.
"I'll go."
He turned to see Harald clicking his tongue, edging Kampe forward a few more steps. "You'll go?" Heins repeated, looking immediately both relieved and simultaneously surprised.
"If Lily is going, I'll follow." Harald turned his horse towards Lily and got off, taking her hand to lead her to the saddle. "Besides," he grunted as he helped her up, "if I go on the hunt it would be far too unfair for all of you."
"How so?" Harken remarked, narrowing his eyes and wryly smiling at his brother.
"Because if I participate, you know you'll all lose before you even get past the castle gates," Harald lightly replied, brushing his chest with his knuckles. "And Hans only just arrived with us… it would be rude to deprive him of a chance to show off," he muttered, shoving his pistol with the single bullet loaded into its holster at his side. He knew it would be a pity not to go on the fox hunt and have the satisfaction of using the single bullet to make the kill, but such was life. He would probably be pushing it with his arm still not fully recovered. "This could be his one shot at showing us that being king hasn't made him lazy," he went on, hoisting himself back into his saddle in front of Lily.
Heins seemed to relax with this notion and nodded to his wife, soothed by the familiar show of sibling rivalry. "If Harald is going, too, then I see no reason why a slow walk in the country would do any harm. We'll see you afterward."
Helena's smile put the sun to shame.
#
As the men took off to their own means, the ladies and their escort embarked on a gentle ride through the close forests.
Lily leaned against Harald's back, her fingers massaging his arms as she spoke quietly, her voice masked by the clopping of the horse's hooves on the damp ground. "You're very sweet for doing this."
"I don't know what you're talking about," Harald replied equally softly, his focus a little torn with her touch.
"Oh, I think you do." Lily brushed her cheek against the material of his shirt, breathing in his scent and enjoying how close she was to him.
"Even soldiers need a day of respite after hard training…" Harald savored the feel of her body against his and smiled as he coaxed Kampe onward, who seemed puzzled her master was not urging her towards the trumpet of the distant fox hunt. The horse snorted and turned towards the sound, ears flicking with anticipation, but a single strong pull against the reins guided her back to the beaten path of earth-soaked leaves. Harald leaned over to talk to his horse and patted her thick neck to offer a little comfort. "Yes, I know you want to join everyone else… we're not going this time… steady on."
Elsa gazed at the bare trees building a canopy overhead, their branches gnarled and skeleton-like, grasping at the last of their leaves. A cool breeze rustled the hem of her gown, accompanied by the scent of oncoming rain. She turned her gaze to Helena and how happy the woman looked. Hans had been right; the visit to the Isles was good for her. She was afraid she would be bitter towards the pregnant woman, but she found herself eager to help her. It warmed her heart to remember the trolls and their words which gave her so much hope. "No snow yet, I see."
"Not yet…" Helena remarked, looking skyward at the light, hazy grey of the canopy overhead. "But I hope it does soon. I love the snow. Don't you, Harald?"
"No, and I'll thank my gifted sister-in-law to keep it that way if you don't mind," Harald replied, giving Elsa a regal nod. "We prefer our warmer weather to last as long as possible."
"Is that so?" Helena winked at Elsa and moved Buttercup closer to her, the two speaking in tittering whispers.
Harald paid them no mind, too concerned with keeping Kampe on trail. He heard Helena and Elsa both move in front of him, and suddenly a giggle erupted from one. Clearing his throat to ask what had caught their attention, he was suddenly hit with something soft and cold. He sputtered and wiped at his face, flinging the snow away. "Oh, that's mature!" he remarked, serving the women a stern look that melted away quickly much like the snow on his shirt.
"I thought you were giving me the cold shoulder," Helena teased, tossing her braid behind her. "I was only helping!"
Lily tried to hide her laughter by burying her face into his clothing once more, thinking she was successful. She focused on the sounds around her, soothed by the muddy thuds of Kampe's hooves and the rustling of the remaining leaves on the trees in the breeze. She jostled a little as the horse balked following a sudden gunshot. Harald waited, bidding the small party to halt with a raised fist, listening to see if the hunt had ended early, but no other gunshots followed. A distant blare of a horn reached them. "Someone missed," Harald explained, smirking to himself. He hoped it was Harken. He bade Kampe go on, riding further into the clustering of trees, eyes catching the occasional squirrel or bird among the tops. The path, which had been clearly marked from the castle, was starting to grow wild, branches and shrubs popping up and making for obstacles the horses went around instead.
Meanwhile, after having ridden for a little while and the constant pressure of the saddle underneath her already-shrunken bladder, Helena realized she had an urgent need rising. "Well," she asserted as she came to an abrupt stop and hoisted herself off her steed unceremoniously, gathering the folds of her dress, "I have to take care of some business a little ways into the woods, if you'll be so kind as to wait here; I won't be but a moment."
"What kind of business?" Harald asked, oblivious to the pregnant woman's needs.
Elsa was quick to disembark her own horse, empathetic. "Do you need any help?"
Harald, baffled by her sudden volunteering, carefully hoisted himself off his horse to see the other two steeds, bringing the three together by the reins. "Help with what?"
"Womanly things," Helena emphasized, holding out her hand for Elsa gratefully.
"Oh." Harald managed, looking away from her to give her needed space and instead to Lily, obviously uncomfortable with the situation himself. "I'll just wait here, then. But we should be heading back soon. I don't hear the bugles, so they're either close to the fox or someone already won, and the trail is starting to thicken too much for a walking pace."
"We'll go back as soon as I'm finished," Helena replied, disappearing into the nearby foliage with Elsa at her side.
Harald leaned against a tree, holding a tight grip on all three horses, savoring the misty air and the smell of rain coming with it. The sound of the women faded into forestry, letting him alone with his thoughts. It wasn't long before a sweet voice startled him.
"I like this version of you," Lily murmured, running her fingers through Kampe's mane, feeling the horse's powerful inhales and exhales shuddering between her thighs.
"What version?" Harald asked, pleased by Kampe's ease with Lily.
"When you're quiet like this… when you aren't pressured by all your work and you take time to relax. It suits you."
Harald chuckled, amused by her perceptions. "So what am I like normally? Stuffy and overbearing?"
"More or less," Lily teased, scratching the horse's neck. "Of course Alrik could be serious about his work, too; I imagine anyone who has to protect the kingdom is the same way, but Alrik…"
His eyes watched her face, body tensing at the mention of Alrik. "He was… your guardian for a while. I'm sure there were times you spent together when he wasn't on duty."
Lily lightly laughed, tucking her hair behind her ear. "You didn't let me finish… I was going to say that Alrik… he never made me feel like you do. No one else has."
Harald had to pause before replying. "I feel the same with you."
"We're back!" Helena called, wiggling her way through the taller shrubs, letting her dress fall as she reached the clearing. "Thank you for waiting for me. Did we miss anything?"
"No," Lily replied, a little disappointed she hadn't gotten to savor her romantic moment longer. It seemed typical with Harald that they rarely got a moment alone.
Elsa turned her white horse towards the castle and gave her a tap in the flanks to urge her forward, but her horse didn't budge, instead prancing in place, giving a decisive snort and backing up. "What's wrong, girl?" she asked, leaning over and soothing her. "Easy… easy…"
Kampe began to move sideways, jostling Lily. Harald took her reins in his hands, pulling down and patting her side. "Kampe! Kampe, calm! Stop, stop now…" His horse's ears flickered wildly back and forth, her nostrils flaring, hooves dancing wildly. Harald tried to reign his horse into submission.
"What's wrong with you, Buttercup?" Helena asked, paying attention to her own steed, who was following the example of the other two.
"Sh!" Harald held up a hand closed fist, an ill feeling rising from his spine. "Quiet!" The girls stopped talking to their steeds, and Harald scanned the area in a steady, focused sweep. A low, deep rumbling growl echoed as the bushes began to part, and with a tremendous roar, an immense bear entered the clearing, and all became chaos.
The horses became crazed, unable to be controlled, and all the women were thrown in the wild bucking. Even Kampe, despite Harald trying to hold the reins, ripped them from his grip and tossed the unstable Lily off her back, where she landed with a cry of pain. The horse swiftly took off into the woods, disappearing into the trees.
"Lily!" Harald rushed to her side as he saw Elsa's white steed buck and knock a low hanging branch off a tree with a crack. "Lily, are you alright?" He lifted the dazed woman to her feet, and she touched her head, her quivering fingers coming away red.
"I think I hit my head," she managed in a tearful gasp, "w-what's going on?"
"Just stay behind me!" Harald whirled to look at the other two women. Helena had managed to crawl away a few feet and was behind Buttercup, and the massive bear had turned his sights on the crazed mare . He reared and uttered an angry roar, swiping with one great paw. The horse fell with a shriek as the bear's claws ripped through her flesh, and wildly thrashed her hooves to get to her feet, leaving a trail of blood behind her as she careened through the shrubbery towards the distant castle. Elsa bent beside Helena, slicing the air with her hand and sending a thick wall of ice to form in front of the bear to block it. Undaunted, the bear began to attack the ice, sending chunks flying through the air.
Harald snared the reins of Elsa's panic-stricken horse and pulled hard, leading her to Lily. He threw the girl up into the saddle and yelled to distract the bear, bending to grab whatever rocks he could reach and flinging them at the bear's back. As the bear growled and turned its attention to the soldier, Harald gave the white horse a sharp slap, sending it towards the two women behind the ice barricade. "Get on, Helena! Take Lily back with you! I'll handle the bear!"
Helena quickly obeyed the orders, one hand holding her stomach and the other the reins as she kicked the horse in the flanks. Elsa sent a blast of ice magic to ensnare the bear by the feet, hurrying to help Harald. "Are you hurt?" she asked, to which the soldier shook his head as the bear rocked sideways, the ice holding it firm cracking. "We have to get out of here!"
There was no way they could outrun the bear on foot, not in the middle of the woods and so far from the castle. Harald lifted two fingers to his lips and blew a piercing whistle, a skill very few of the brothers could do. From the brush behind them there was a galloping and Kampe returned, loyal to her calling master, eyes wide and spit frothing at the bit. "Get on, hurry!" Harald held the horse as Elsa climbed onto her back. It took only seconds for the bear to break free of the ice and charge for Harald, but he only needed seconds to aim. His pistol fired, the single bullet reserved for the fox disappearing into the bear's shoulder and causing the beast to collapse. He hoisted into the saddle and urged Kampe on, the bear disappearing into the forestry behind him as he raced back to the castle, heart pounding from what should have been a calming walk in the country.
#
"Is she alright?" he asked as he dismounted and left Kampe to the stable boy, the captain sweating from the humidity in the air.
"She seems to be, sir," replied the boy, who left the injured Buttercup long enough to take the new horse into her stall.
"Not the horse!" Harald lashed, taking off towards the stable entrance. "Lily!"
"She's fine," Harken met his brother halfway, perspiration turning his skin clammy in the shade of day, obviously worn from the vigor of the hunt. His expression was despondent, uncertain, and nervous. "She bumped her head on something sharp and it cut, but it only took a few stitches to seal and she's resting now."
"And Helena?" Elsa pressed him, keeping up with the men as they ran, her skirt folds gathered unceremoniously in her hands.
"She's gone into labor; the doctor said it was the shock," Harken explained as they raced up the stairs. Harald could already see the group of men gathered outside the bedroom, talking amongst one another. "There's nothing to do now but wait."
#
In the beginning, the group mainly comprised of men chatted with laughter, teasing, and a little crude humor.
"Have you thought of any names?" Hans ribbed as he gave Heins a friendly little jab in the side with his elbow. "You aren't going to add yet another H to the family, are you?"
Heins chuckled, scratching the back of his head. "No, I don't think so. Helena and I talked about a few ideas, so it'll depend on what it is. We'll keep it a secret until then."
As time passed, the brothers did their best to keep Heins distracted and calm. At first very little could be heard beyond the forbidden doorway where a servant occasionally came and went, but as time passed, and the minutes turned into hours, it grew harder to console the prince. Occasional grunts of effort came from beyond the door, sounding increasingly pained, and Heins was left with nothing to do but pace the floor, ten steps one way, ten steps back. Soon his hair broke loose from its ponytail into a frazzled mess of strands, his shirt coming untucked as he followed the pattern and time crept onward.
"What's taking so long?" he asked the group of already-perplexed men, none of whom knew the answer, "shouldn't she be finished by now?"
Allowyn, who had been waiting with her husband to bring a bit of female presence, smiled calmly. "It could take hours yet, my son. Helena is a strong woman, and I trust our doctor with my life. Don't forget, she brought many of you into the world."
"Trust our mother," Harald relayed to his younger brother, "she has fourteen times of experience to fall back on."
Heins managed a weak smile, but it was troubled as he heard another round of groaning from within the room. The door opened and a servant rushed out in a flurry, arms piled with sheets stained in red color. His facial color drained into a pale look as the door shut behind her.
Elsa tried to offer comfort to the poor man. Of course she knew better than to mention the blood she'd had with miscarriages, but she tried to soothe his worry nonetheless. "There's always some blood. The doctor told me it's perfectly natural to bleed heavily as the baby comes."
Heins nodded to himself, wringing his hands. He turned to his mother, who had always been able to comfort him, seeking it even now, expression forlorn. "Will you please go in and check for me, moder? I'm just so worried…"
Allowyn softened at her son's desperation lining his facial features and nodded, rising to her feet. "I'll see to it. Wait here and soon you'll be holding your new baby in your arms. I can feel it." She knocked announcing her presence in a firm voice, and a servant opened the door, allowing her to enter the dim room. Her eyes began to adjust to the darkness of the night, the scattered candles lighting what they could. What she saw sent a sudden feeling of dread striking her heart and filling it with fear.
Helena grasped at two ropes of cloth tied from the spiraling poles on either side of the bed's ornate headboard, trying to follow the slow breathing of a servant coaching her, her cheeks stained in tears and the bed below her pelvis wet with dark blood, spreading beyond her shaking thighs. "Allowyn!" she gasped out despairingly, reaching for her. The queen was swiftly at her side, giving her hand and allowing it to be squeezed in place of the sweaty fabric as another contraction hit. "I…It hurts…" she managed between breaths, tear stains visible on her cheeks. "Oooh, it hurts…"
"Allowyn," gasped out the doctor from the foot of the bed, her voice shaky, "Oh, Allowyn… I…" She took a moment and motioned for the queen to come close, waving for the servant to continue her work and ordering another to fetch more hot water. As they retreated out of earshot, Helen wiped at her forehead with her sleeve, smearing a little blood, her hands covered in it, her eyes moist and voice choked in desperation. "So much blood… she's lost so much blood already, and the baby won't come; it just won't come!"
"Calm down!" Allowyn hissed, putting her hands on her friend's shoulders, "you'll frighten her, or worse, Heins could hear you!"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just… I just don't know what else to do, I…I've tried everything, and I… I can't stop the bleeding," Helen gasped, pressing the back of her hand to her forehead and taking a few scattered breaths. "If I can't get the baby out soon, and stop this bleeding… I don't know," Helen rushed back to foot of the bed as the water arrived, washing her hands and trying to see through the blood if Helena had made any progress.
"Oh God in heaven, please let the baby live," breathed Allowyn through the veil of her hands. She hurried to the doctor's side. "What can I do?"
"Aaaugh!" Helena cried out, arching her back and panting through a sobbed choke of pain as she felt another contraction grip her in its throng. "Save the baby! Please save the baby!"
"I'm here; I'm here," Allowyn gave her daughter-in-law her hand once more, not minding the heavy scent of sweat mingling in body fluid and blood that hung in the room, "that's it, you're doing fine, everything's going to be alright, just breathe and think of your little one coming into the world." She coached her through several more contractions until Helen decided she could no longer risk the wait. She would make a small incision to widen the opening. It would make her lose more blood, but she'd lost so much already, and if the baby was not born soon, she knew in her heart, the chances were they could lose it, too.
"Allowyn, hurry, I need someone to be ready to hand me something to clean the baby and to staunch the bleeding afterward," Helen rasped, wiping down the blood from Helena's thighs and cleaning her hands again as the queen took hold of some clean sheets. "You can do this; you're almost there! Just one big push with the next contraction, and I'm going to try and help this baby be born! When you feel that contraction come, you push as hard as you can!"
Helena braced herself, thinking on her husband, her past, her father, and her baby. She needed the strength those thoughts provided. She cried as the contraction hit her, closing out the world around her and grunting, obeying the instinctual cues to help her body in the last effort she could manage. She collapsed into a crying heap, the pain too great to ignore, but suddenly her heart skipped a beat as she realized that her crying was second in the room. There was squalling coming from the foot of the bed, and the tears came unbidden, turning from tears of pain to those of unbridled joy when a writhing, red newborn emerged into view.
Helen was quick, almost inhumanly so, intent on cleaning the baby, on snipping the cord and cleaning it up, ensuring that it was breathing and healthy. She was panting, her smile wide and proud, almost wide enough to rival Allowyn's. "Here we go…" she handed the baby, now wrapped in a sheet and still wailing, to Helena's waiting arms, "meet your little girl."
"Oh," she breathed, "oh, you're beautiful; isn't she beautiful?" she cried, kissing her baby's head and resting her hand on the baby's back as she leaned against the pillows helping to prop her up. "She's perfect; she's so perfect."
"She looks just like her mother," Allowyn gasped, wiping at her eyes, ignoring the blood on her sleeves. "Look at that black head of hair she has, so thick."
"She's wonderful," Helena whispered in awe, shaking.
"Go tell everyone the good news," Helen encouraged Allowyn, still waiting for the afterbirth to come and focused on minimizing the hemorrhaging. "I should stay here."
"I will," Allowyn agreed, leaving the room and heading straight to Heins, who had to be propped up as he had been known to faint. "Everyone, I have an announcement." The people who had gathered became hushed. She hugged her son, squeezing him tightly, the tears starting anew. "You're a Daddy... a Daddy to a beautiful baby girl. The Southern Isles has a new little princess!"
"A girl?" exclaimed half the company.
"There goes the Southern Isles streak… and my investment," Harken grumbled, digging into his pockets and passing off a small purse of coins to Harald. Cigars were passed around as the brothers swarmed Heins with congratulations, pounding him on the back and vigorously shaking his hands. Elsa took the opportunity to ensnare Allowyn's attention away from the boisterous brood.
"How is she doing?" the snow queen asked, both relieved and a tad remorseful over the joyous occasion, part of her wishing it had been her own.
"Very tired, I think," Allowyn replied solemnly, nodding and giving a little sigh. "There were complications with the birth. The doctor is seeing her now."
"May I see the baby?" Elsa asked quietly.
"Of course… let me see how things are going and I'll let you in when the doctor approves," Allowyn agreed, squeezing the woman's hand with encouragement. She returned into the dark bedroom and almost bumped into Helen, surprised to see her friend looking so despondent in such a time of joy. "Helen?" she questioned, following her a little ways away where she was methodically drying her hands, "what's wrong? Is it the baby?"
"No… no, the baby is fine," Helen replied, exhaustion clear in her features. "It's the mother."
Allowyn turned to look back at Helena, who seemed blissful as she held her baby against her breast, her eyes closed. "What do you mean?"
"Allowyn… she lost too much blood… I don't think she'll… I can't do anything. I tried…" Helen pursed her lips as she swallowed down her emotion. "I tried to stop the bleeding, but I couldn't. She's just lost too much. I… I don't think she'll make it to morning… she won't make it till morning."
There was a period of silence in the room as the horrific truth wound into the hearts of those who heard it. The next words came from the occupant of the bed, soft and lilting in the heaviness of the moment. "I know." The two older women turned to face Helena as she held her baby close to her bosom, still as a statue apart from her weakened breathing. "You don't have to hide it from me."
"Oh, Helena…" Allowyn began, moving to her bedside, thinking desperately. "Oh, my child… there must be something we can do. We'll bring in other doctors to work with Helen, we'll keep you on bedrest until they get here."
Tender hands shakily stroked her baby as she nursed. "… thank you, Allowyn... but I don't think I'll be here. It's alright… I understand…" she whispered faintly, offering a wavering smile to the doctor. "I… I don't want you to feel guilty. I know you did all you could for me… and you saved her life."
The servants began to murmur, and one hesitantly approached the queen. "Your majesty, shall I inform the prince and the others of this news?"
"No!" Allowyn immediately commanded, holding a hand out for silence and respect. "No one is to say a word… I don't… I don't know how we're going to tell him." She put a hand to her head and sank down, supported by the doctor and helped to a chaise in the room as she searched for further words. "I… I just don't know how I'm going to tell him."
"I'll tell him." Helena volunteered, wiping with her free hand at the tears in her eyes. "Just… just help me cover up a little, and don't let him see the blood on these sheets."
#
Heins trembled with excitement, the air electric as he entered the room. The servants quickly fled, he assumed to give them privacy, leaving only his mother and the doctor with them. He approached the bed in awe, bending to his knees beside his beloved where he looked upon his new daughter for the first time. "She's… she's so tiny," he murmured, hesitating to touch her. "She's like a little doll. Can I… can I kiss her?"
"Of course you can," Helena managed a fluttering laugh as her husband bent and brushed his lips over the baby's head, then moved to kiss his wife as well.
He stroked back a few sweaty pieces of her limp, stringy hair behind her ears and squeezed her hand. "I'm so very proud of you, love. You did so well. But you look pale, drained. Are you tired?"
"Yes," Helena admitted. She drew on her shallow well of strength to reach up and stroked his cheek with her thumb, tears starting to gather within her eyes.
"What's wrong?" Heins asked, adapting a damaged, fearful expression. "Are you hurt?"
"Heins... my dearest love… there was a problem with the baby coming. She's going to be okay, but… but I won't," she steeled herself, her voice wavering. "I… I won't make it."
Heins stared at her, unrelenting for a few moments, then various emotions played across his face as the meaning of her words dawned. He leaned forward, squeezing her hand harder. "Wh… what? Of course you will… of course you'll make it. You will," he enthused, squeezing her hand and looking to his mother. "Tell her. Tell her she's going to be fine, moder. She's not going to… she won't die… she can't die."
Allowyn walked over to join her son and put her hand on his shoulder. "Everything that could have been done was done. Don't waste the time you have yet remaining with each other."
"No! No, no, no, no… you can't… you can't leave me, not like this," Heins began, propping her head up with a hand cupping the back of her neck, leaning forward and nuzzling against her. "We're supposed to spend years here, and have lots of children, and make clothes for them, and watch them grow up, and then we'll grow old together… how can you leave me now? We've only just started…"
Helena moved, careful not to disturb her now-sleeping baby, drawing her husband close and kissing Heins on the corner of his lips, moving to their center. She leaned forward, resting her forehead against his, exhausted from the simple action, her voice quiet and breathy. "I know… I know it's unfair… my life always seemed unfair… but then you came into it…"
"No, no, you can't leave me," Heins began to break down, his choked voice making the baby stir and whimper. "Somebody take her, take her," Heins encouraged with a wave of his hand, and Allowyn bent down, taking the infant in her arms. She did her level best to rock the baby back into a sleep as Heins leaned fully against his wife. "I can't lose you… you're my everything…"
"And you're mine," Helena exhaled, running her fingers through his hair. "And it's going to be hard, I know you're going to hurt… how I wish I could keep you from hurting when I'm gone," she murmured, toying with his ponytail. "I wish I had more time…"
"P-please don't leave me," Heins began to shake as tears started falling. "I love you so much."
"I know… I love you, too," Helena breathed, leaning back, her hand drooping. Her moss-colored eyes, now losing the life behind them, turned to Allowyn, who observed helplessly. "When she's older… give her my purple lilac brooch… the one you gave to me on our wedding day? I want her to have it… with all the love in my heart for her, that her life may grow and bloom with happiness..." Allowyn just nodded while Heins began to cry, holding his wife close to him as if he could somehow give her his life in exchange.
"No, no… please…" His voice choked to the point where he could hardly speak anymore, sufficing to hold her close in her last fragile moments. "I can't… I can't lose you..."
"You won't… not really…" Helena wiped at his cheeks to clear them of tears, ignoring her own. "You'll always have a part of me…" She ensnared his fingers between her own, holding his hand and giving it the slightest squeeze, gesturing with her eyes towards Allowyn holding their baby. "Look," she whispered, her voice shaking in effort, "look what we made together." Heins followed her gaze toward the baby concealed among the sheets, and then turned his attention back to his wife, wanting to cry, though his eyes were burning too hotly to produce further tears. "She's going to do great things…" Helena breathed, her eyelids heavy, vision of the room starting to blur and drain into darkness. She uttered a gasp of effort, straining to see her husband until the very last moment. "Hold me… Heins… hold me."
He took her into his strong, supportive arms and drew her close, her head tilting listlessly against his shoulder, but she did not respond beyond her shuddering breaths brushing his neck, each weaker than the last. He did his best to stifle his sobs as he rocked her in his arms until he could no longer feel her breath upon his skin.
#
Time passed and morning came, but Heins had not stopped holding his wife in his arms. The news had spread throughout the castle and its staff, but not beyond, not yet. Allowyn tried to give him enough time to grieve, allowing him solace in the room alone, but when afternoon began to arrive, she thought it best to try and bring him something to eat, and more than that, a willing ear. She brought her husband as well, knowing they were more likely to get through to him than his brothers. She entered the room with a tray, setting it on the chaise in the room beside the door. "Heins…" she began sympathetically, her heart crushed at the sight of her grieving child, "I've brought you something to eat… you must eat."
Her son didn't reply, but her husband did. He went to his son, sat beside him, and placed a hand on his shoulder, looking upon his lost daughter-in-law in grief. "All of the Southern Isles will go into a period of mourning. When you're ready, we should discuss the funeral preparations."
Silence hung between them, but it was clear Heins heard as he shuffled a little, drawing his wife closer into his embrace. Allowyn persisted, determined to reach her son in the cloud of sorrow. "My dearest, my askling, I know this is hard… but you must talk to us."
Heins looked at his mother, his face swollen from too many tears spilled overnight, his eyes bloodshot and posture slumped, staring as if he were trying to discern who she was. Then he turned, gingerly easing Helena's body down onto the bed and folding her hands over each other above the sheets. He held her braid between fingers and slid his fingers down it until he reached the bottom, positioning it beside her body carefully. He leaned down and kissed her forehead, murmuring something indistinguishable. Finally he looked to his parents again. "I want a different room."
George blinked, then repeated his son's curiously apathetic sentiment. "A different room?"
"Have the servants move my necessities into another room," he stated, standing up, his posture shaky.
"Very well," George complied, knowing he had to tread gently over the unstable grounds of grief they all walked. "We will have them moved today, closer to our room. Your mother is right… we should discuss the arrangements following, son… I can hold the funeral at the end of this week if you give approval. We will not do anything without you."
"Doesn't matter," Heins responded, waving off his mother's help. "That's fine."
"But love…" started Allowyn, touching his shoulder and lifting the lid of the platter of food. "You've been through such a trauma… you're not thinking clearly. You should eat something."
"Mother, I'm tired," he growled as he shook her away, sending a small shock through Allowyn. She was used to her other children dissuading from her help, but not Heins. He had always wanted her close, valued her opinions and her presence. "I don't want to eat."
"I understand," she said, allowing him his space, "you can sleep in any of the guest rooms. Let the servants know the instant you need anything…"
"Mm," he grunted, hardly responding to her, looking back at Helena's body on the bed.
Allowyn tried to shift his attention to something else. "Your daughter is very vocal… I think she wants to see you. I've already done work to find her a wet nurse for the time being. Did you decide on a name?"
"Julia. Julia Hannah Westergard," he muttered under his breath, heavy with emotion and exhaustion.
"What a beautiful name…" Allowyn softly approved, touched at the implication of the middle name and its history. "Julia… I'll bring her to you if you like, before you rest."
"No. Don't bring her to me. I don't want to see her." His voice caught, and he looked hurt, as if he'd realized he sounded callous. "Not right now." He shook his head and went to the door, opening it. Most of the brothers had been told not to approach Heins immediately, but Hans had decided he would not listen. His mother quickly shook her head to signal him it was not a good time for healing and he looked at his brother, feeling overwhelming sympathy. Out of all of them, Heins didn't deserve this.
"I'll have her moved to the same room as you as soon as you're rested and ready to see her," Allowyn went on, following her son towards the doorway.
"Please… stop," Heins managed, his chest shaking with effort. "I don't want to see her… I don't want to see anyone." He shut the door before she could reach it. Hans was surprised to see this, but understood. Grief could change a person, could cause them to shut everyone out. He knew firsthand, but now the tables were turned. Heins must have known this too. He met Hans' eyes, and Hans tried to prepare himself to offer whatever comfort he could. Then his brother asked a simple question which left Hans without words. "…Why?"
As Hans tried to think of something to say, anything, Heins turned and walked away, disappearing into one of the many guest rooms in the castle, closing the door behind him with a firm click. Hans, left speechless and feeling useless, tried to occupy his mind otherwise. It seemed surreal, like a waking nightmare. He headed into the library, hoping to find someone, anyone he could talk to. Both Horatio, who was typically found in the library, and Harken were there. Harken was accepting books Horatio handed to him from the shelves and carrying them to a pile on one of the tables strewn about the room. The two maintained a quiet environment, rarely speaking, allowing the sounds of the drizzling rain outside to patter against the glass and make itself heard.
"What are you doing?" Hans asked, looking over the titles of the books. Most of them were poetry, some love stories.
"Looking for aspiring words to use in the funeral," Harken replied, looking tired, much as the rest of the castle, as if everyone's energy had suddenly drained away.
"It's a terrifying thing, loss," Horatio added quietly as he disembarked the ladder he had been climbing, his voice heavy with emotion, "we all know it, and we all want to speak on it, but none of us know just what to say."
"That's because loss can't be spoken," replied Harken as he flipped through the pages and set the book in hand down among the others. "It can only be felt."
Hans found a few passages he thought might be appropriate for his consideration and asked the books be left out for further scrutinizing later. He would need something to say at the funeral, too. For the moment, he needed to keep moving, to find some other way to help prepare. He headed downstairs, towards the outside of the castle. The outdoors would help clear his head. Surely no one would be out in this weather. He had only just opened the door leading to one of the gardens when he ran into Harald, who was dressed in his finest military garb, something Hans suspected his brother would wear to the funeral itself. At the moment it was uncharacteristically filthy, his rifle slung over his shoulder, twigs and leaves strewn throughout his hair and mud caking his shoes.
"Where have you been?" Hans asked. He had lost track of everyone after news of Helena's passing had reached them.
Harald stopped and motioned behind him. Several soldiers followed, carrying with them a great carcass of a bear, shot in the head. He grumbled low as he passed Hans, shaking from his excursion. "Hunting."
"But your uniform… your medals…" Hans stammered, shocked to see his brother so unpolished.
"A lot of good they did me," Harald replied, scraping some muck from his shoes on the floor.
Hans put his hand on his brother's shoulder despite the slick dirt clinging to his jacket. "It's not your fault."
"No?" Harald glanced at Hans, made brief eye contact, and sighed. "If only it were so easy." He removed his rifle and passed it to Hans. "Take this to the weapons shed if you're going out. I have to get this uniform cleaned and skin the bear."
"Alright." Hans accepted the rifle and watched his brother go, heading to drop the rifle off before visiting the gardens as he planned.
When he arrived at the gardens, he saw another group of people he knew. Hugo and Harry were in a corner where the walls met, speaking in quiet tones, Harry focused on holding an umbrella over a third person who was also donning a cloak. Rosebushes lined the walls, roses of every color popping as bright contrasts against the drab stones. "What are you doing?" he asked as he approached, wondering if he could be of help, if this conversation could remove some of the gray clouds which hung so heavy over the kingdom.
The cloaked figure turned, the cloak falling back to reveal Lily, a basket on her arm filled with roses cut from the stems. "Hans?" she asked.
"Yes," he answered, the rain making his hair limp after so much time spent under it. "What are you doing?"
"Cutting roses," Lily replied, holding up the basket. "And other flowers… but mostly roses."
"Why?" asked Hans, though he already had an idea. "I mean, I assume it's for the funeral, but… white is traditional. You have… well, just about every shade of rose we grow there."
"Because Helena loved color. She wouldn't want us all in black with just white lilies everywhere. She would have wanted everything to be bright… full of life and differences," Lily replied. "Are there any missing?"
Hans surveyed the basket and the rose collection growing among the wall. "There's no yellow."
"You're right," Hugo responded, looking among a growth of yellow. He bent and reached in among the thorns to gather one in the far back, the clippers snipping it clean off its vine.
"Why not pick one from the front?" Hans questioned, noting a few scratches and pricks of blood on his brother's arm. "It would be easier."
Hugo set the rose in the basket and went back to trimming, focusing on long-stemmed red roses. "I'll tell you why at the funeral… it's part of my goodbye." He briefly made eye contact before going back to cutting. "Did you think of what you want to say?"
"No, I mean… I don't know," Hans finished lamely.
"Did you see Heins?" Harry asked softly, leaning in a bit towards Hans to share the umbrella.
Hans gave him a grateful smile. It was difficult to hold. "Yes."
"How was he?" his brother pressed, Hugo turning to look as well.
"… grieving." Hans managed, unsure of what else to say. "He'll need time to return to his own self. He loved her… very much."
"These are enough roses. Come, we should all go inside before we catch our… before we catch cold," Hugo murmured, taking Lily's arm in his own. "We should all get some rest."
Upstairs, Allowyn was left dumbfounded by her son's sudden departure, and remained collapsed in the chaise. "Give him time," George said as he drew his wife into his embrace. "He's experiencing one of the greatest sorrows known to man… the pain of losing someone you love. We know that pain well. You remember how it affected us."
"Yes…" Allowyn admitted, leaning against her husband. "You're right… he'll be back to himself... we'll just give him time he needs."
#
Elsa hummed a lullaby as she gently rocked the chair back and forth, soothing the sleeping babe in her lap, in awe of how small and helpless the girl was. She'd volunteered from the first time she saw the baby to care for her, and each moment, she felt more useful, more depended on. Of course she could not provide for her meals, but she could keep her occupied, rock her to stop her crying, and listen to that bubbling gurgles and squeaks coming from her mouth.
Allowyn entered, quietly making her way over and smiling as she watched, speaking in soft tones. "Has she slept since her last feeding?"
"Yes," Elsa replied, adjusting her hold. Her lips parted and she sighed through her nose. "I don't know what to say about Helena… It was… so sudden. I keep thinking if I had just been more careful, if I could have… I'm just so sorry."
"We all are. But we're lucky you're here to help. Julia needs all the love she can get right now." Allowyn murmured, running a finger over the baby's velvety chubby cheek.
"Julia… what a beautiful name," Elsa replied as Julia began to wake from her slumber and reach out. Elsa gave her finger for the baby to hold. "Is Heins coming to see her soon?"
"No…" Elsa looked up in shock, but Allowyn seemed less bothered. "He's grieving the loss of his wife. It is understandable he wouldn't want to be reminded of her. Doesn't she look like her mother?"
"Very much," Elsa replied in a whisper, thinking. "Hans and I will stay as long as you need us to. Until Heins is recovered enough to give her the love she deserves." She looked down at the baby in her arms and was overcome by the feelings of protection swelling within her. Coming here was a good idea, but was not without its dangers… and though she might not want to admit it out loud, she had to remember the baby she held so close to her heart was not hers… and she could not stay forever.
Just know that it was hard to write, but we'll look at it like a phoenix. We will rise again! R and R and we'll see you next time! Welcome to the family, Julia! And rest in peace, Helena.