"Rey!" Finn yelled as he pulled her shoulders to him and wrapped his arms around her. "I felt you die Rey! I swear I felt you die and then I felt you come back. What happened? Are you okay?" he gasped at her.
She stilled for a moment as she felt his emotions through the Force and felt a wave of love and concern coming from her friend. "Yes Finn I'm fine." she winced a smile and patted his shoulder as she leaned away from him. Finn straightened suddenly when he realised the awkward position they were still in embracing each other. He took a cautious step back and looked her up and down. Rey was sure she looked a mess, but the wall in her mind was finally cracking and she was not willing to let anyone be around to see it.
"I'm sorry Finn I can't speak about anything right now. I'd really just like to go back to my quarters and rest. Please." she pleaded with him and felt her lip begin to tremble. Thankfully she watched as her words registered on his face and he blushed. "Of course Rey. All that matters is you're okay. Get some rest and come find me when you're feeling better." he offered a small smile and stepped to the side so she could get past him.
Rey offered a smile in return and pressed her hand into his shoulder to squeeze it as she walked past. She quickened her pace to the nearby cave where she had been sleeping but she could feel the corners of her walls crumbling. Her eyes were welling up with her emotions and her vision blurred. Her heart wretched in her chest as she passed the small opening that had been converted to Leia's room, now empty and lifeless. She turned her tear filled eyes away, uncertain if her heart could begin to handle the pain of the loss of her only mother figure.
She found her "room" in the small back corner of the cave and flung her body onto her bed as the sobs she had been holding in were finally freed. All of the painful emotions she had shut out were flooding through her but she caught herself before succumbing to them. She tried to practice what she had read in the Jedi texts: To honor your emotions and acknowledge them, so that you can truly let them go. Her heart only ached as she tried to focus on the sweet memory of the feeling of his eyes on her. The connection they had shared filled every piece of her heart. There was no room for loneliness or doubt. She was sure of his love for her and her love for him. They were connected as one.
But the rise of those memories were brought down with the crashing pains of the reality that those feelings would never come back to her. She had felt so alone growing up on Jakku, abandoned, unwanted, unloved. With Ben things made sense. Before he died, it was though they filled every hole in the other's soul. She felt like she was just as much a part of him as he was of her. He wanted her, he needed her, and he loved her.
Why had the Force let them experience something like that only for it to be taken away just as soon as it was given? Rey felt her eyelids slip closed as the tears dried on her cheeks. Her breath evened and she slipped into a deep sleep. She knew before it began that she was unlikely to awaken for a long time. Her mind and body had been running off of delirious fumes and it was going to take time before she would be able to function.
She faded into black. Not like before. This black was quiet and still. It did not hold any promise or evil, it was nothing, and that was comforting since all Rey wanted in this moment was to sink as far away from everything as possible.
The cool darkness welcomed her and she obliged