Chapter 2: Orihime's "Notes to Self"

March 15th.

I still dream about it every night, although it's not as traumatic as it was at first. The clash of swords, the whip-crack of tails, the snap of black, sail-like wings. Blasts of green and red interspersed with raining blue arrows. Roars and horns and murderous eyes. It used to terrify me. Now it's just sad. It was all for nothing. So much potential lost. So much innocence lost.

Other mornings it is sad viridian eyes. A pale, graceful hand reaching, reaching, further and further, so close. I am still heartbroken every time I wake up with the sense-memory of ash between my fingers.

I am sure part of this is looking at the past through rose-colored glasses, and I know if I told Tatsuki-chan about it she would think I was delusional (although I suspect she already does), but I believe with all my heart that Ulquiorra was on a path toward transformation. I first saw potential for his salvation during the dull moments we spent together in Hueco Mundo. He told me how he did not come into existence the same as other hollows; how he could not consume souls like other hollows did. He was just empty. As his emptiness grew, so did his power. I recognized there was an element of purity within him, although he would deny it.

I remember his enraged frustration when I spoke to him about the "heart". Perhaps in part because of my stubborn insistence on using only that word when so many others might have conveyed what I meant better, but at the time, under stress… it's meaningless now. But it did frustrate him that he couldn't understand, because he wanted to understand. He could have just dismissed it outright. But he was fixated.

I have repeatedly analyzed every moment of our short time together, and the evidence is overwhelming; he wanted to become something more. He wanted to feel the heart, desperately. I am sure what he was telling me in the end was that he finally understood. That is why he saved Ishida-kun and I from Kurosaki-kun. He could have just watched us become Kurosaki-kun's hollow's collateral damage; he didn't have to intervene. I'm certain if he had just had more time, he would have… I don't know. It's all for naught now, though. I pray wherever he is now, he is at peace.

I'm so sorry.

April 4th.

One of the benefits/detriments of living alone is the abundance of time I have to mull things over. I know everyone thinks I'm an airhead, but I certainly am not. Nor am I particularly naïve – let me tell you, I have seen and experienced some really horrible things. But you know what? It's not anyone else's baggage. It's mine. I can keep it to myself. I can hide my feelings and support my friends, even if it means covering up my inconsistencies with a "silly me". All they ever do is protect me. I don't have the guts to do more than shield and heal. I am useless when things really get bad, and they have gotten really bad in the recent past. The least I can do is cheer my friends on and let them know that I am OK, and I will do anything to help them be OK too.

When Kurosaki-kun woke up after Aizen was captured, I didn't do such a good job supporting him, though. I couldn't admit it at the time, but I was afraid. I was angry. Why had he come for me, only to get himself killed and reincarnated into the most terrifying being I have ever witnessed? His Vasto Lord hollow form was like a robot with one directive: to kill anything it deemed a threat to me. To hell with the consequences. To hell with whoever happened to be in the vicinity. He nearly killed Ishida-kun! How could I forgive that? Why would he do that if his primary goal was to protect my interests?

So I avoided him. My motivation for avoiding him was selfish, but in the end I think it was what was best for him at the time anyway. He seemed to slide back into his pre-shinigami life rather easily, and he walked with a lightness I hadn't seen in him for a long time. But over the months he began showing signs of dissatisfaction again.

I decided to reach out to him, tentatively, by asking him to help the handicrafts club by modeling for our fashion show. I thought it would be a no-pressure way to reconnect him with Ishida and me, and surprisingly, he decided to help with a lot less pleading than I expected. He even seemed to have fun. But, soon he stopped saying hello every time he passed me in the halls, and after a few weeks he went back to talking pretty exclusively with Sado-kun, Mizuiro-kun, Keigo-san, and occasionally Tatsuki-chan. I thought maybe the ball was in my court, and that I should maybe reach out again, but part of me thought maybe he wanted to go back to how it was before; before we were friends and comrades in arms. So sadly, I let him be.

I have had months to think it over, of course. I am still left with more questions than answers but I am no longer angry or afraid of Kurosaki-kun. And now I am able to recognize that either his transition back to his pre-shinigami life was an act or that the novelty has worn off. He is irritable and antsy now. He is picking fights and getting into trouble. I pity him; he lost so much, sacrificed so much, and now he is left with only the memories of his greatness. And he was great, in the scariest, most reverent definition of the word. Most days I am convinced that he did what he did because he would do anything to protect the people he cares about, and that is that. I think I am probably right; Kurosaki-kun is kind and noble, as much as he acts like a punk. Still, a small part of me wonders if he did it for power. A smaller part of me wonders if he did it because he secretly loves me. I'll admit, I often still wish that was true. He is so beautiful it hurts.

It was the beginning of spring break, about ten days ago now, that the hollows in Karakura started getting out of control. The resident shinigami was killed after a day, and Ishida-kun and Sado-kun had to handle the rest that night. I spent the morning after healing their wounds, and together we decided to try to handle the outbreak ourselves while we waited for back-up from Soul Society. Tatsuki-chan noticed this time and actually helped out with a few of the smaller hollows – she can't defeat them but she can hold them off until Ishida-kun or Sado-kun arrive.

The following day, Ishida-kun and I came to the realization that the hollows were homing in on Kurosaki-kun's location. I can't count the number of times I have had to secretly cast a shield around Kurosaki-kun over the past week. And I don't know if it's because I am sleep-deprived or what, but I swear he is starting to notice and respond. At first he would just stop what he was doing and look around after a while, like he smelled something different. Today I cast a shield around him and he stopped dead and looked at it immediately; squinting as if he were trying to see something that wasn't there. I almost dropped the shield in surprise, but the hollow was right on top of it. Ishida-kun destroyed the hollow shortly thereafter, thankfully. When I did drop my shield, I noticed that Kurosaki-kun shook his head in frustration, sighed and ran off with an odd expression on his face. I spoke to Ishida-kun and Sado-kun about it but they think I am just exhausted and seeing things. I disagree. I think he really is regaining his spiritual abilities. I am not sure if that is a good or a bad thing for him, but selfishly, I want my hero back.

Now that time has passed and what happened in Hueco Mundo is only a memory, I am able to truly appreciate what he did for me; what he did for all of us. He literally saved the world. He gave up everything, even his humanity for a brief time, to get me out of Hueco Mundo and help stop Aizen. He never gave up until he had nothing left to give. And still he goes on. He hasn't given up on his studies or the friends he had before. He hasn't fallen to despair over his lost power. I admire him so much.

I love him.

P.S. My second year of high school starts tomorrow.

A/N: That is it for going back in time. In the next chapter, we'll pick up where we left off in chapter 1. Let me know your thoughts in the reviews and thanks for reading!