This chapter was a blast to write but a bitch to edit. I hope you like it. Adventure Time is the property of Cartoon Network and Hazbin Hotel is the creation of Vivienne M. Medrano aka Vivziepop. Enjoy.

Chapter 4: Every Kind of Critter

It had taken Marceline a little over an hour, but eventually she found the building she was looking for. What's more, while searching, she had also found the answer to another all-important question.

As she flew over the center of the city, the Vampire Queen happened upon a gigantic clocktower with the words 'Next Cleanse: 181 Days' ornately etched into the side. At last, a proper timeframe. While she still had no idea what this 'Cleanse' thing actually was, at least she now knew that it wasn't for another six months.

Six months.

That's how long she had to meet her dream girl, get to know her, get her to fall in love with her and convince her to run away with her to another universe; all without telling her who she really was.

This was not going to be easy, but then nothing worth doing ever was. And besides, that last part shouldn't be too difficult. After all, this was Hell we were talking about. It was hot, it smelled horrible and the people were all rude; if not totally psychotic. This place made the Nightosphere seem like a day at the beach. So getting her to give up a dump like this for a paradise like the Land of Ooo should be no problem.

At least in theory.

Now that she thought about it, Marceline didn't really know all that much about Charlotte. I mean, sure she knew that she matched up with her criteria for a perfect wife, but that didn't really tell her much about her personality. For all she knew, a world of sunshine, candy and talking rainbow unicorns might not even appeal to her.

But then, those were concerns for later. What mattered now was getting her foot in the door, so to speak.

As she approached the main entrance, Marceline took a moment to examine the exterior of the place. That rude reporter lady with the fake boobs had been right, the building was kinda gaudy, but not in a totally unattractive way. In fact, it almost looked like it belonged in one of those old black and white cartoons. Maybe staying at this… 'Hazbin Hotel' would be a lot of fun?

Maybe?

Anyway, once she was at the front door, the Vampire Queen started to get a little nervous. The butterflies in her stomach were doing summersaults. For a brief moment she considered calling the whole thing off.

'No!' she told herself internally. 'You can't chicken out now. Just stick to your cover story and everything will be fine. You got this, girl. You got this!'

And with her spirit reignited, Marceline reached out and gave the door a few quick raps.

Knock.

Knock.

Knock.

Almost immediately, she heard something stirring on the other side.

"No, No, don't everyone get up at once. I'll get it." Said a hauntingly familiar voice as the door creaked open. "Let me give you a hand with those, Vag… Oh, Hello there."

Before she even knew what had happened, the Vampire Queen was standing before the object of her desire. The lovely Princess Charlotte Magne, who was even more of a total knockout in person.

'Don't just stand there, stupid.' She told herself. 'Say something!'

"Hello yourself." She replied, trying to sound cool. 'Oh, nice one, genius.'

"May I help you?" the lovely Charlotte asked, shaking her out of her internal self-bashing.

"Uh… yeah, are you the Princess of Hell?"

"Why, yes I am." She replied cheerily, before adopting a slightly more suspicious tone. "Why?"

"Well, I… I'm kinda new around here, and I heard you ran a hotel. So I was hoping maybe you could give me a job."

"I see…" she said as she gave the Vampire Queen the onceover. "Well, I'm sorry. But we're not really looking to hire a gardener right now."

"Gardener?" Marceline repeated confusedly before remembering what she was wearing. "Oh, no, no, I'm not a gardener. I just like dressing this way. I'm really a musician and I was hoping…"

SLAM!

For a split second, the Vampire Queen thought she'd had the door slammed in her face. However, once her eyes readjusted, she realized that she'd been whisked inside at an almost supernatural speed by the deceivingly strong demon princess.

"You're a musician?" said princess asked with hopeful enthusiasm as she got all up in Marceline's face; grinning ear to ear.

"Uh… yeah, I play bass, and I sing."

"Really?" she asked as she pulled back, took a breath and adopted a slightly less energetic tone. "Well that's very interesting, Ms.…."

"Marceline."

"Ms. Marceline. And now that I think about it, we just might have a position available for you." She said, clearly doing her best to sound professional; which from the Vampire Queen's perspective was just too adorable for words. "But of course, I'll have to discuss this with my… business partners before I can offer you anything. Do you mind waiting here until they come back?"

"Sure, I got nowhere else to be."

"Okay, so… how about I show you around a little? You know, give you a sense of the place you might be working?"

"Sure, sounds like fun."

"Alrighty then."

And with that, Marceline followed her into the main lobby.

So far, this was going much better than she'd hoped. She'd already gotten through the door and was now being given a guided tour of the place. Plus, the Princess herself was making a pretty good first impression. Sure, she was a little quirky, but in a cute way. Really the only thing that concerned her was the lack of other people around. I mean, this was supposed to be a hotel, right?

"So, Your Majesty…"

"Oh, none of that, please." The Princess interrupted. "You can just call me Charlie. Everyone does."

"Oh, okay." Marceline replied, trying very hard to hide how adorable she thought that was. "So, Charlie, is this like the off season or what?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it's just that most hotels I've seen usually have lots of people in them. Like vacationers or guys going to conventions. So I just figured maybe this was like your off season."

"Oh, no, no, no, this isn't that kind of… wait, how long did you say you've been down here?"

"Not long. Actually I arrived just today."

"So then… you didn't see the interview?"

"What interview?"

"Eh… never mind. So… how did you hear about the Hotel?"

"I just overheard someone talking about it."

"And… what exactly did you hear?"

"Just that you're the Princess of Hell and that you own a hotel. Why?"

"Oh, nothing. It's just that… usually when demons are talking about this place, the stuff they say isn't very… flattering."

"Why not?"

"Well, it's just… sigh. Fine. You're gonna find out sooner or later, so I might as well tell you." The Princess said with a weird form of abrasive stoicism. "I opened this hotel as a place where demons can come to redeem themselves and get into Heaven."

Okay… well, that's a new one.

"Go ahead. Laugh. I know you want to."

"Why? Did you say something funny?"

"Don't patronize me! I know how stupid you think I sound!"

"I… wouldn't call your idea stupid." Marceline admitted awkwardly. "I mean, it's a little out there, but it's not stupid."

There was a sudden twinkle in the other woman's eyes.

"You… You really mean that?"

"Of course. So wait, you offered demons a chance to get out of this dump and they laughed at you? Pssh. Sounds like they're the ones who are stupid."

For a brief moment, it looked as though the Princess might start crying. But luckily she composed herself and simply replied.

"Thank you, Marceline."

"No problem. And please, call me Marcy."

"Sure thing, Marcy. So, where were we on that tour?"

But alas, this tender moment was quickly derailed by a loud groan from somewhere close by.

"Ugh… What time is it?" said the groaner in an old timey Brooklyn accent. "Why's it so fucking bright in here?"

To Marceline's surprise, the owner of said accent turned out to be a tall, lanky demon with four arms and fluffy white fur covering his entire body; some kind of spider demon, unless she missed her guess.

"Ah… that's better." He said as he put on a pair of sunglasses that he had pulled from the fluff on his chest, before finally noticing the other people in the room. "Oh, hey Charlie. What's shakin'? And who's the broad? Don't tell me you roped someone else into this little experiment."

"Not exactly." Charlie admitted. "Angel, this is Marcy. She wants to work here at the Hotel."

"Is that right?" the lanky demon replied before extending his hand politely. "Nice to meet you, toots."

But the Vampire Queen took one look at said hand and said.

"Yeah, I don't think so."

"Oh-ho~ I see my reputation proceeds me."

"No, I can just smell the splooge from like eight other guys."

"Only eight? Must've been a slow night."

"Ahem. Anyway…" the Princess interrupted. "Marcy, this is Angel Dust. He's a… performer in the adult entertainment industry."

"Oh, don't cheapen it, babe." The spider demon said, sounding insulted. "I'm an artiste. I'm like the Davinci of fucking. There ain't a man alive or dead who can do half the freaky shit I can."

"And you want to get into heaven?" Marceline asked dubiously.

"Eh… not exactly." Angel admitted. "You see, Ol' Charlie here worked out a deal with my boss. She gets a guinea pig for her little experiment. I get my own place outside the studio. And Big V foots the bill for any minor expenses, provided I can stay sober long enough to do my job."

"Which reminds me." Charlie interjected. "Shouldn't you be at work right now?"

"Nah, it's cool. I get Tuesdays and Thursdays off."

"It's Wednesday."

"Oh… well whatever. Val doesn't need me 'til 4."

"That's in three hours, Angel. Are you sure you can be there on time and stay sober?"

"Pfft. Easy peasey."

"Because Valentino isn't gonna let you keep staying here if you keep showing up late and…"

"Alright, alight, I'll agree to a chaperone. Jesus, you're worse than my mother."

And for a brief moment, the conflict appeared to have been solved. Until a new voice shattered the calm.

"ANGEL, YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

From seemingly out of nowhere, another demon stormed onto the scene. He was a lot shorter than everyone else, by at least a foot, and he was nearly as thin as Angel Dust. Judging by his appearance, he was some kind of fish demon; an anglerfish if that freaky lure on his head was anything to go by. He was dressed like a scientist, which made sense, since he seemed pretty high-strung and neurotic; but then Marceline had only ever really known one scientist, so her perception could be biased.

At any rate, the little angler demon, whoever he was, marched right up to Angel Dust and, despite being so much shorter, pointed at him accusingly.

"Where is it?" he asked the porn star acidly.

"Where's what?"

"Don't play dumb, you thieving harlot! The canister! What did you do with my canister?"

"Okay, back up a minute." Charlie said as she got between the two. "What's the matter this time, Baxter?"

"Miss Charlotte, I demand that you remove this degenerate from the premises, posthaste!" the fishman, apparently named Baxter, replied furiously.

"Ooo~ Big college words~" Angel said derisively.

"sigh. What happened?"

"Last night, this… drunken reprobate broke into my room and stole a canister of chemicals I need for an experiment."

"Oh, that is horseshit!" the spider demon spat back. "A) I didn't break in. You left your door unlocked. And 2) I didn't steal crap. I 'borrowed' a can of Axe from your medicine cabinet. Oh, and while we're on the subject, what the fuck kind of experiment needs fifty cans for body spray?"

"None of your damn business. Just stay out of my room!"

"Make me!"

"Okay, that's it!" the demon Princess said, raising her voice. "You know the rules. No fighting in the Hotel. If you two wanna keep yelling at each other, you do it outside."

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

And with that, the two male demons made their way to the front door; leaving the two females alone once again.

"Is it always like this?" Marceline asked with equal parts concern and curiosity.

"Ugh. Unfortunately." Charlie replied, visibly drained from the ordeal. "It was hard enough just convincing four demons to check in. But trying to make them get along is like pulling teeth."

"Yeesh." The Vampire Queen said as she rubbed the back of her neck. Realizing that her pretty princess was in need of a distraction, she immediately tried to change the subject. "So, what about that tour?"

"Oh right. I suppose we should start with the front desk."

The front desk, which for some reason looked like one of those old-fashioned speakeasys, was manned by a tall, scruffy, winged black cat demon with a top hat. Compared to everyone else she'd met so far, he seemed the most passive. In fact, he didn't seem interested in anything other than the racing form he had in his hands.

"Hey, Husk." The demon Princess said warmly as they approached.

"Hey, Boss Ma'am." The cat demon replied gruffly; putting aside his racing form.

"Husk, this is Marcy. She might be your new coworker, if Vaggie and Alastor don't have a problem with it. Marcy this is Husk, our front desk clerk and… bartender."

"Hey." She said casually.

"Hey." He replied, sounding just as enthused. "Can I get you something to drink?"

"No thanks, I'm not thirsty. But why is there a bar here in the first place? Shouldn't you guys be… I don't know… discouraging sin?"

"Oh, you and Vaggie are gonna get along just fine." Charlie said with a smile. "Anyway, I'm not crazy about it myself, but it's sort of a compromise. I mean, technically drinking on its own isn't a sin. And we have a strict two drink maximum rule, so no one ever gets too out of control. At least not yet."

The Vampire Queen was about to comment on this, when yet another new character entered the scene. Unlike most of the demons she'd seen so far, this one looked a lot like the ones she knew back in the Nightosphere. You know, red skin, big goat horns, a tail with a little spade at the end; a generic, run-of-the-mill devil.

"Put her on, Moxxie! I want to talk to her right now!" the devil man screamed into his cell phone as he approached the bar. "What? Of course she wants to talk to me! Why wouldn't… What? She called Millie what? You bastards! I will murder you and your mouthy wife! What? No, you listen to me, Mr. Man! I'm gonna beat this thing and when I do… Yes I am. Yes I am! No, your ass is mine! No, you're acting like a child! No, you are! No, you… uh, hello? Moxxie? Ugh! God damnit!"

And with that, he put his phone away and plopped down onto the nearest barstool.

Admittedly, there was a part of Marceline that desperately wanted to hear the other half of that conversation.

"Husk, give me a Suffering Bastard, and double the bitters." The devil man said defeatedly; which apparently triggered some kind of sympathetic reflex in Charlie.

"Hey, Blitz. Rough day?"

"That's putting it mildly. I tell you, Blondie, this lawsuit is beating the life out of me. If this keeps up, I'll have to sell my company just to cover my legal fees."

"Well, what does your lawyer say?"

"Mostly that I'll have to sell my company just to cover my legal fees."

"Oh Mr. Blitz" a sugary voice singsonged from seemingly out of nowhere.

"What?"

"Your lawyer's on the phone, and he wants to know…"

"TELL HIM TO EAT SHIT!"

"Oh… um, okay."

The devil man paused to groan in frustration before he called back.

"Hey, Niffty."

"Yes?"

"Don't really tell him to eat shit. Tell him everything's fine and that I'll be at the courthouse bright and early, just like I promised."

"Okay… but I already told him the other thing."

"Fantastic." He said sardonically, before turning his attention back to the bartender. "Hey Husk, where's that Suffering Bastard?"

"I'm lookin' at him."

"Oh, Ha-Ha. So sidesplittingly funny!"

As much as Marceline was enjoying… whatever the hell this was, she suddenly realized that she hadn't eaten anything since before Prismo summoned her. And since going all red-starved in front of Charlie was probably a bad idea, she decided it was best to nip this in the bud.

"Hey, Charlie." She said to her pretty, pretty princess. "You got anything to eat around here? I'm starving."

"Uh… I'm not sure. Husk, you got anything edible back there?"

"Sorry, Boss Ma'am. But Vaggie's still out shoppin'. 'til she gets back all we've got is booze and some wax fruit."

Upon hearing this, the Vampire Queen followed where the cat had gestured and, sure enough, there was a bowl of wax fruit on the other end of the bar. The large, red apple on the top caught her eye. So, without even thinking, she floated over, picked it up, sank her teeth into it and drained the red from it until it was completely white.

"Ah~ That hit the spot." She said with deep satisfaction as she placed the phony fruit back in the bowl. However, when she turned back around, she saw that everyone was staring at her like she'd just grown a second head. "What?"

"My oh my~" said yet another unfamiliar voice; this time coming from directly behind her. "What an unusual talent you have there, my dear."

Despite having been caught off-guard, Marceline managed to remain composed as she turned around to get a look at the perpetrator. And he was… interesting to say the least. He was tall, possibly the tallest demon she'd met thus far, and almost as thin as Angel Dust. He had ashy skin and blazing red eyes, and he was dressed in an admittedly sharp looking red pinstripe suit. He had a cane in his right hand with a microphone on top, which might explain why his voice sounded so weird, and antlers on his head that made him look like a deer. But by far the most striking thing about him was his smile. It was just so… big; almost like he had extra teeth or something. It was very unsettling.

"Uh… thanks." The Vampire Queen said awkwardly. "And you are?"

"Alastor. Pleasure to be meeting you, sweetheart. Quite a pleasure. Sorry for just dropping in unannounced, but I've been observing your interactions with Miss Charlotte over there and I gotta tell yah, I like what I see. So real. So raw. So painfully awkward. Oh, Hot Tamale, that's good entertainment."

"Okay…" she replied, still struggling to process everything he'd just said. "So… are you like the butler or something?"

"HA! No." the smiling man said dryly. "I'm what you might call a 'limited partner' in this charming little enterprise. I provide creative suggestions, extra manpower and the occasional cash injection to keep this sinking ship afloat."

"And speaking of 'creative suggestions'," Charlie interjected, suddenly sounding dead serious. "Will you please stop changing the sign? This is supposed to be the 'Happy' Hotel. Happy. Understand?"

"Are you sure? Surveys show that the guests like my name better."

"I don't care. This is my hotel and I'll call it whatever I want. So change it back."

"Very well."

And with that, the pinstriped demon snapped his fingers and a bright flash went off outside.

Marceline was about to ask for a bit more context, when the front door opened and yet another new character entered the scene.

Seriously, this was starting to get ridiculous.

Anyway, this latest addition was a female dog demon who seemed to be a mix between a dalmatian and a hyena. She had white fur with little black dots and long, poofy blonde hair with red highlights and a matching tail. She was dressed like a stereotypical punk rocker and she seemed to be slightly younger than everyone else. But more than anything, she looked dead tired.

"Ugh… Christ on a cracker, what a day." The dog demon groaned in an Irish accent as she approached the bar. "Husk, give me a Black Boar and make sure it's cold."

"You got it."

"Hey, Crymini. How was your day?" Charlie asked the demon dog pleasantly.

"I spent eight hours making change for a bunch of horny assholes. How do you think it was, genius?" Crymini replied bitterly before turning her attention onto Marceline. "And who the fuck are you supposed to be?"

"I'm Marcy. I'm new around here."

"So what's your story? Did Radio Head over there blackmail you too?"

"Excuse me?"

"Long story, kinda boring. I owed 80 grand to a guy you wouldn't wanna owe 80 cents. And that Cheshire-faced bastard offered to cover my dept, provided I live here until I pay him back."

"Sounds like a pretty good deal to me."

"Are you kidding? I work as a cashier in a strip club. Do you have any idea how long it'll take to earn eighty thousand dollars on a cashier's salary? Especially with that pinstriped asshole charging 30% interest."

"All the more reason to focus on getting into Heaven." Charlie chimed in.

"Whatever."

It was at this point that Husk brought out Crymini's beer and handed it to her; an act which apparently made Blitz's blood boil.

"What the shit?" the devil man roared. "I've been sitting here forever waiting for my Suffering Bastard and you just give that little potato hound a beer? Why do you always serve everyone else before me?"

"Because I hate you." Husk answered bluntly.

"Did you just call me a potato hound?"

"And what if I did? You gonna do something about it?"

"How 'bout I punch your face straight into your colon?"

"That doesn't even make sense, but whatever. Bring it on, bitch!"

"No, no, there will be no 'bringing it' of any kind." Charlie stepped in as she tried to take control of the situation. "I know we're all dealing with the pressures in our own lives, but that doesn't mean…"

SLAM!

Just then, the front door flew open and Baxter and Angel Dust stormed up to the bar.

"Miss Charlotte! Miss Charlotte! Look what he did to my face!" the angler demon whined as he pointed to his bloody nose. "I've been assaulted! I demand that you throw him out!"

"Oh you are such a fucking liar!" the spider demon countered. "He tripped on his own feet and hit a post. He's a liar and a klutz."

From there, the situation only grew worse. With so much yelling, name calling and finger pointing, Charlie could barely get a word in edgewise. And what's worse, all this conflict seemed to be giving her major anxiety. The poor girl needed help, and since Alastor was just standing there, grinning like a jackass, it looked like it was up to Marceline.

Thinking quickly, the Vampire Queen snatched the smiling man's cane and shouted into the microphone.

"EVERYBODY CHILL!"

That had been much louder than she'd intended, but it seemed to do the trick. Everyone, except for Alastor, had stopped arguing to cover their ears. A few seconds later, they all turned to look at her, with varying degrees of anger.

"Thank you." She said as she handed the cane back to its rightful owner. "Look, I get it. We're all dead. We're in Hell. And for one reason or another, we've all been forced to live together under less than ideal circumstances. It's enough to drive anybody crazy. But there's no need for all this hostility."

"Oh, is that right?" Angel Dust asked dubiously; clearly not a fan of being preached to.

"Yes it is. Now the way I see it, you guys just need a little something to lighten the mood. Something to distract you all from your dreary afterlives. And since booze clearly isn't doing the trick, I'd like to suggest an alternative."

"Oh, this oughta be good." Crymini said sarcastically.

But the Vampire Queen ignored her and instead pulled out her bass to play them all a sample of her savory licks.

"Sweet Jesus…" the dog demon said as her cynicism turned to wonder.

Charlie and Blitz seemed equally awestruck. Husk and Angel Dust weren't nearly as impressed, but at least their hostile expressions softened up a bit. Alastor, of course, just stood there and smiled. The only holdout was Baxter.

"Oh great, that's just what we need, another music lover." The angler demon said annoyedly.

"So here's what I'm thinking. How's about I put on a show for you guys? A little live entertainment to liven up this place." Marceline continued undeterred before turning to Charlie. "If you want, we could have this be my audition."

"That sounds like a wonderful idea!" the demon princess said enthusiastically. "What do you say guys?"

Blitz and Crymini both nodded excitedly. Angel and Husk were less into it, but they made no arguments against it. Once again, Baxter was the only voice of opposition.

"I don't have time for such nonsense. You idiots can do whatever you want, but I have important work to do in my lab."

And with that, he stormed off.

Or at least he tried to. Before he could even make it two steps, Alastor suddenly appeared before him. He said nothing, but his face contorted in such a way that it resembled one of those old timey radios.

"B-But-But… I suppose a short break wouldn't kill me." Baxter said as he rejoined the group; his skin now as pale as a zombie's.

"That's the spirit, my boy."

"So Marcy, what are you gonna play for us?" asked Charlie, practically bursting with excitement.

"Well… I do know this one song that'd be perfect, but I'd need some back up." The Vampire Queen replied. "You guys got a house band or something?"

"I believe I can scare up something for you, my dear." Alastor said as he put his arm over Marceline's shoulder. "Just tell me what you need and I'll do the rest."

Okay, so things had gotten off to a bit of a shaky start, but now she had a chance to really strut her stuff. Not only would she be a hero to Charlie for stopping all the fighting around here, but she would get to show off her musical talent and totally knock her socks off.

'Oh yeah!' she thought to herself confidently. 'Nothing's gonna get in my way!'

End Notes:

Just some things I need to clear up real quick.

1. Normally, Valentino has no problem letting his 'employees' indulge in whatever vices they wish; mainly because it usually makes them easier to control. But with Angel Dust this was not the case. In addition to his preexisting attitude problems, his party boy lifestyle had gotten to the point where he was showing up late for work, and when he did show up he was usually too blitzed to follow even simple directions. And since his usually tactic of just beating the hell out of him wasn't working, Big V had to start thinking outside the box. So when Charlie approached him with her little proposition, he begrudgingly accepted; plus, she had both Vaggie and Alastor with her at the time, so that added a little force to the argument. Ultimately, Valentino sees this as a temporary solution, but it's better than nothing. Charlie absolutely detests Valentino and the whole porn industry, but tolerates their arrangement for the time being because she truly believes that in time Angel will develop enough of a moral compass to quit on his own.

2. Valentino is a slave driver, but even he doesn't make his hoes work every day. He allows each 'employee' at least two days off per week to rest and replenish their various bodily fluids, because hoes who are too tired to fuck are of no use to him. He also never forces any of his minions to work when their sick; STDs, hangovers and withdrawal symptoms not included. Because, you know, it just makes more sense to just let a sick hoe stay in bed and use a substitute than to let everyone get sick and lose money. Don't get the wrong idea, Valentino is still a cruel, merciless, abusive monster, but he's also a practical one.

3. I know the character's name is written as "Blitzo" but it's read as "Blitz" so that's how I'm writing it. It's just less confusing for me that way. Don't like it, don't read.

With all that said, thanks for reading and see you next time.

Peace.