It's an earlier chapter this week. Enjoy. Also, Adventure Time is the property of Cartoon Network and Hazbin Hotel is the creation of Vivienne M. Medrano aka Vivziepop. But you already knew that.

Chapter 6: The Hazbin Club

Charlie had hardly slept that night.

And how could she?

Her mind was like a beehive; just buzzing with excitement.

After months of ridicule and derision. Of dodging fireballs, rocks and hurtful phone messages. Her Grand Redemption Project could finally move forward.

Unable to sleep, the Demon Princess used every ounce of her manic energy to repurpose the 8th Floor Billiard Room into a safe space for her latest innovation.

And now, with everyone gathered together, the first official Happy Hotel Group Therapy Session could at long last begin.

"Hello everyone." Charlie said cheerfully to her assembled guests. "First off, I'd like to thank you all for coming to our first ever group therapy session."

"Oh, how could I refuse after all you've done to blackmail me?" Crymini asked sarcastically; earning some laughs from the rest of the circle.

"Yes, well… anyway… I also want to give a special thanks to Angel Dust, who volunteered to make the fruit punch for this meeting. Seriously Angel, this is scrumptious. Thank you so much."

The Demon Princess paused to take a sip while the spider demon blushed at the compliment.

"Okay, now since this is our first session, what I'd like to do is go around the room and have each of you tell us all a little about yourselves. You know, what were your lives like on Earth, what you did to get sent to Hell, what you most want to improve on, stuff like that. Sound good?"

The others all either nodded or shrugged in response.

"Alrighty then, who wants to go first?"

"Ahem. Well, if no one else wants to. I guess I'll take the lead on this one." Said Blitz swaggeringly as he got up from his chair and took 'centerstage'. "Hello, friends. I'm Blitz, the 'O' is silent, and unless you've been living under a rock for the last year and a half, you already know me as the owner, founder and CEO of I.M.P."

To the imp's apparent surprise, this spiel was met with only a confused silence.

"You know, the Immediate Murder Professionals Group?"

Silence.

"From the commercial?"

More silence.

"Oh, come on! They run it all the time!"

Even more silence.

"Sigh. Screw it. Look, I run a small startup company out of Imp Town that specializes in helping our clients deal with their unfinished business; usually by murdering someone who fucked them over when they were alive."

This time he got a reaction. Albeit a subtle one, but at the very least everyone seemed to understand what he was talking about.

"I know, I know, sounds like the perfect business model, right? Something everybody in Hell would wanna spend their money on. Well… it didn't go exactly as planned. Things were a little rough the first few months. Then business picked up, then it went down again, then it went up for a really long time, but then it went down again…"

"I think we get the idea." Charlie cut in, to the apparent relief of everyone else in attendance.

"Anyway, while we were in one of those up periods, I decided to cash in on our good luck while the cashing was good. So I did some research and I convinced all my employees to go in with me on a hedge fund. You know, one of those high risk, high reward type deals. Only… funny story, it turned out to be… not entirely legitimate… Actually, it was a Ponzi scheme and I lost their next ten paychecks. Plus all the money I sort of borrowed from their 401Ks without asking."

"Hold up, you stole your employees' retirement money, and then you lost it?" asked Marcy disbelievingly.

"I didn't lose all of it. Only like half… 2/3rds at most. And I was gonna put it all back, with interest, once the hedge fund paid off. So I made one little mistake. So sue me! Anyway, now they're all suing me."

"Eh, one second there, chief." Angel Dust interrupted. "Not to belittle your problems, but if you blew all their paychecks on such a stupid plan, then how can they even afford to sue you?"

"Good question, Angel. And it's actually a really funny story. You see, one of I.M.P.'s main financial backers is under the delusion that me and him are in a committed relationship. So after he sees a photo online of me being 'unfaithful', he decides to bankroll the entire class action suit and drag it out as much as possible, just to get even. Oh, and that's not even the best part. You see, one of my employees, who is also my adopted daughter FYI, has abandoned me in my time of need, because she thinks I'm a loser, and moved in with the other two. One of whom she now calls 'Mom', because apparently she responds well to a 'disciplinary environment'. Whatever the fuck that means! So here I am! No family! No friends! Up to my nipples in dept! Living in this crappy flophouse with a bunch of other losers! Pretending I give two shits about some ditzy blonde's pipe dream!"

When he finally finished his rant, Blitz was covered in sweat and completely out of breath. No one, not even Charlie, dared to say a word. They all just sat there in stunned silence.

"So… that's my story." The Imp said awkwardly, his right eye twitching like mad. "Would you excuse me for a moment? I gotta go… do something… else."

And with that, Blitz bolted out of the room at top speed; sobbing like a little girl.

O…kay…

Not exactly what the Demon Princess had in mind, but at least he was open and honest.

And besides, things could only get better from here on out.

Right?

I mean, nothing could possibly be worse than that.

Right?

XXX

"So anyway, I licked him off, he licked me off, we wiped the rest off on some unfinished paperwork, and when Mr. McKellen came back and saw what we did to his office, we were banned from the carwash for life." Crymini said, bringing an end to the latest in a series of short excerpts from her youth in Dublin; each more vivid than the last. "And that pretty much sums up my sophomore year. Now my junior year, that's when I really got wild. Why, I remember this one time, there was a nun walking past a frozen river and I said to my girl Mavis, 'I wonder if that old bird can swim'. So we get to talking and we…"

"Okay, that's enough!" Charlie spoke up, desperate to hear no more of the Irish hellhound's tales. "I mean… that's enough for one session. Don't you think? Don't wanna overshare on your first day."

If Crymini suspected that the Princess wasn't being entirely truthful she didn't mention it; she just shrugged and sat back in her seat, much to the latter's immense relief.

This was not going at all how Charlie had envisioned.

After Blitz's little freak-out, it had been Baxter's turn to talk. And talk he did. At great length, he recounted several instances where he vivisected cute and helpless animals in the name of Victorian science, and not for a single second did he show any remorse for his actions. In fact, the only decision he showed any regret for was choosing to buy a ticket for the Titanic.

After that, it was Angel Dust's turn to confess his sins; although the way he was treating it, you'd think he was giving an interview for some magazine. In addition to his numerous sexual and drug related transgressions, the spider demon also revealed that from 1943 to 1945 he impersonated a Quaker to avoid being drafted; which in retrospect was completely unnecessary since they probably would've rejected him based on his orientation alone. And of course, he showed no regret for any of it.

Then came Crymini's turn, and the less said about her backstory the better.

To the Demon Princess, this was like a nightmare. None of them were taking this seriously. None of them were showing any signs of remorse for any of their sins. In fact, she was beginning to suspect that the three of them had some kind of bet going to see who had committed the worst one.

If that was the case, then Crymini was ahead by a nose.

Feeling stressed and emotionally battered, Charlie looked at her watch and saw that they still had about fifteen minutes left in this session. But not being sure how much more of this she could take, she was about to call it a day when a voice intervened.

"So, is it my turn now?"

The Demon Princess was so… not her usual self that it took a moment for her to process who had said that. But once she finally shook off the mental haze, she realized it had been Marceline; who was, interestingly enough, sitting directly across from her.

"Oh… right… Marcy. Sorry, I kinda forgot you were here."

"It's cool. So, do we still have time for my turn?"

A part of Charlie wanted to lie and say they'd run out of time. I mean, it's not like any of them had bothered to ask how long these sessions were supposed to be. No one would even know the difference. However, a much larger part wouldn't let her. She knew that if she wanted demons to change their ways then she had to set the example. And that meant being honest and giving others the benefit of the doubt; no matter how much it hurt.

"Sure, we've still got about fifteen minutes. Go right ahead."

Upon hearing this, the bat demon smiled at her. Then, after clearing her throat and readjusting her seat, she began.

"Okay, so… where to start?" she asked herself aloud as she absentmindedly stared into her cup of fruit punch, which was now just a cup of grey liquid. "Well, I guess the beginning is as good a place as any. Sigh. My mom was a singer. I know, big surprise, but it's true. Her name was Regina Saccharine, though I don't blame you if you've never heard of her. She never really hit it big. Mostly, she just played in coffee shops and those really dinky outdoor festivals. Oh, she had talent. Sweet Jesus, did she have talent. But she just never got discovered."

Okay… nothing horrible so far, but Charlie remained cautiously optimistic; mentally bracing herself just in case things took a sudden turn.

"She died when I was six years old; I remember because it happened right around my birthday. And then I went to go live with my dad. They were never technically married, but they had some kind of arrangement. I don't know, I was too young to understand it. But anyway, my dad… well, I guess he tried to be there for me, but even back then I could tell his job meant more to him than me. So one day I just sort of… bailed."

Wow… this story was actually kind of resonating with her… kind of. But still, the Demon Princess half expected some kind of crude punchline just around the corner.

"So, there I was. A seven year old girl, all alone in the big bad world. Not gonna lie, it was pretty scary. But I learned fast, and eventually I met up with this old guy named Simon and he pretty much raised me from then on. He became like my dad and best friend all in one. But after five years, his brain started to go, so when he realized he couldn't take care of me anymore, he helped me get back together with my real dad."

If this was all an act, then Marcy deserved an academy award.

"Believe it or not, my dad was actually glad to see me. He said he wanted to be a better parent and, for the most part, he wasn't lying. He blacked out whole days in his schedule to spend time with me, and when I told him I wanted to be a performer like mom he got me the best music teachers and vocal coaches he could find. He was still a selfish asshole sometimes, but at least he tried. So I tried to be more patient with him. And for a while we made it work, but then one day, around my sixteenth birthday, we had a huge fight about… something really stupid and I bailed on him again."

Oh… My… God… Could this really be for real? Was Marcy actually sharing her feelings with them? Could someone actually be taking her redemption program seriously?

Charlie certainly hoped so.

"Anyway, since then I've been pretty much on my own. Drifting around from place to place. Playing my music. Making new friends. Some of them good, others… not so good. Sigh. Look, I tried to always do the right thing, to be the kind of person my mom and Simon wanted me to be, but… it's just so hard. Especially in a world where doing the wrong thing is usually easier and a lot more fun. I don't know, maybe I just can't do it alone. Maybe… Maybe I need someone in my life who can help me. Someone who can… keep me on the right path."

Yes.

Yes.

Yes!

This is what she was looking for.

This was sharing.

Finally, after all this time, someone was taking her program seriously.

Yippee!

"Hey, uh, guys, I'm not feeling so good."

"That's okay, Marcy." Charlie said while smiling warmly. "Opening up can be difficult."

"No, I mean I really don't feel good. I think I'm gonna… I'm gonna… ugh…"

And just like that, Marceline let loose a stream of cherry colored vomit.

This seemed to cause a chain reaction, for seconds later Baxter, Crymini and Angel Dust all did the same.

"Well it's about fucking time." The spider demon said annoyedly. "Fast acting my ass!"

"Angel, what are you…" the Demon Princess began, before a sudden stomach cramp stalled her tongue. That's when she remembered. The punch. Angel Dust had offered to make the punch. "Oh my God! Angel, what did you put in the punch?"

But alas, it was too late. The spider demon was already tripping balls.

"Heh-Heh-Heh-Heh~ 30,000 feet, baby! Cruisin' altitude~"

"Oh, God dammit, Angel!" Crymini barked as she too began to feel the effects of the drug. "I've gotta be at work in an hour, you stupid bastard!"

Just then, Charlie unleashed the contents of her stomach onto the floor and her vision began to blur.

"Oh man…" she said as the world around her turned into a mishmash of psychedelic colors and floating geometric shapes. "This just isn't my day."

End Notes:

Just to clarify.

In my headcanon, sometimes when Marceline drains the red from something, she also absorbs some of the properties of whatever she drained. For example, when she drains a red popsicle she gets brain freeze, when she drains a red sourball her lips pucker, and in this case when she drained Angel's magic fruit punch she felt the same effects as everyone else.

With that said, thanks for reading and I'll see you in the next one.

Peace.