Adventure Time is the property of Cartoon Network and Hazbin Hotel is the creation of Vivienne M. Medrano aka Vivziepop. With that said, Enjoy.

Chapter 8: Devil on my Shoulder

"There's no need to take it so personally." Said Baxter in the least condescending tone he could manage. "Truth be told, I liked the first one. And I enjoy Brendan Frasier as a comedic actor. All I meant was that, as a whole, the series was not as good as it could have been."

"Okay, I think I see what you're saying." Crymini replied. "The third one was shit, I don't think anyone's gonna argue with you on that. It was a soulless, joyless cash grab, and most real fans don't even consider it canon."

"Well, as long as we're being honest, I hated the second one too."

"Really? I liked that one."

"It was the son character. He just… he made the whole thing feel awkward and it just took me out of the experience."

"Eh… I can kinda see what you mean. What do you think, Marcy?"

"What? Oh… uh… I like Poodles, I guess."

This response was met with a stunned silence.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" asked the Irish Hellhound confusedly.

"What? You asked me what my favorite kind of dog was."

"That was twenty minutes ago."

"Oh…. Sorry, I guess I've just got a lot on my mind."

Understatement of the century.

The Vampire Queen had been staying at the Happy Hotel for over six weeks and she'd made basically no progress in her quest to win Charlie's heart. Oh sure, she'd made a good impression on the Demon Princess. Thanks to everyone's shared appreciation for her musical talent, the other guests had all but stopped fighting with each other; some, like Baxter and Crymini, were even starting to become something like friends. And whenever Charlie needed help with something, Marceline was usually the first one to volunteer. But none of that really mattered all that much because she couldn't get a single fucking minute alone with her.

Ever since that disastrous first group therapy session, Charlie had expressed an interest in having a few private sessions with Marceline; claiming that certain things were better confessed to one person, rather than in a group. Naturally, the Vampire Queen was all for it, but every time they tried to get together, a certain one-eyed busybody would swoop in with some lame excuse to keep them apart.

Honestly, you should hear some of them. Last time, Vaggie sidelined Charlie with a romantic dinner to celebrate the anniversary of the first time they both said 'I love you'. Can you believe that? Even Marceline would never pull something as cheesy and desperate as that.

Probably.

Anyway, she needed to come up with a way to keep Vaggie from butting in, which is why she kept drifting in and out of the conversion.

"You mean like how you're hot for Charlie?" Crymini asked bluntly, causing Marceline to choke on her own saliva.

"W-What?" she replied, sounding totally aghast. "I… I have no idea what you're talking about."

The Vampire Queen paused for a moment to regain her composure before she continued.

"And even if I did know what you were talking about, how do you know what you're talking about?"

"Oh, come on, Love. You're not exactly subtle about it." The Irish Hellhound responded. "I mean, you're always following her around like a little puppy. Always volunteering for shit and trying to be her knight in shining armor."

"Jesus, am I that obvious?"

"I'm afraid so." Baxter chimed in. "I barely have a reason to care and even I noticed."

"Ugh…" Marceline groaned in frustration. "Well, whatever! So I like Charlie. Is that really such a big deal?"

"Not if you have a hospital plan." Crymini joked. "You do know she's with Vaggie, right?"

"So what? Just because they're together right now doesn't mean they're meant to be together forever. And besides, I'm not scared of that one-eyed bitch."

"Oh yeah? Then why haven't you told Charlie how you feel yet?"

"Because… uh… shut up."

Crymini looked like she was about to give a clever rebuttal, but whatever she was about to say died in her throat when Angel Dust suddenly burst into the room.

"Hey guys, you gotta come see this!" the spider demon said with all the exuberance of a young school boy. "Blitzy's havin' another meltdown."

XXX

Several minutes and one flight of stairs later, Marceline and the others found themselves looking at a most unusual scene. Vaggie and Niffty were standing outside what appeared to be a supply closet; the former pounding her fist violently against the door.

"I have a list of inappropriate behavior not tolerated in this hotel!" the one-eyed demon said furiously. "Number 1: This! Stop doing this!"

"Sniff. Sniff. What's Number 2?" asked an all too familiar whimpering voice from the other side.

"Nothing! I don't have a Number 2. I don't even have a list. Now get out of the closet! Niffty needs her shit!"

"LOONA HATES ME!" Blitz wailed miserably at the top of his voice. "I gave that girl nothing but appropriate and one jillion percent legal love, and… and she just hates me! I can't take it anymore!"

"Ugh! Every week with this crap! So your pet left you for another owner. Is it really worth all this drama?"

"You shut your filthy whore mouth! Loona was not just a pet. She was the light of my life. The flower of… of my lawn. Oh God, I don't even know what I'm saying."

From there, the devil man's speech dissolved into a slew of nonsensical jabbering.

"What happened?" the Vampire Queen asked, feeling a bit of concern for her ailing housemate.

"See for yourself." Answered Angel Dust as he handed her his smartphone.

The screen was opened to the 'Top Posts of the Day' page on Pandemonium; Hell's Number 1 social media site. And at the top of the list, with a whopping sixty thousand likes, was a photo of a tall, snowy white Hellhound smiling and carrying a short Imp woman on her shoulders; both of them clad only in bath towels and mud masks.

Spa Day with Mom

#BestMomEver

#MillieRules

#BlitzSucks

Ouch.

Poor Blitz.

"Ugh! I can't deal with this shit right now." Vaggie groaned in frustration as she walked up to the group. "Marceline, he listens to you. You talk to him."

"Okay, Your Majesty." The Vampire Queen replied mockingly before heading over to the door to do as instructed. "Hey Blitz. How you doing, buddy?"

"Marcy, is that you?"

"Yeah, man. It's me. You wanna come out and tell me what's wrong?"

"Marcy, I'm gonna be straight with you. I am all kinds of fucked up right now. I just drank a whole bottle of… I don't know, I think it's Listerine… or maybe some cheap pharmacy knockoff. Whatever it is, it's awful."

"Yikes. Listen, I saw the post. I know what you're going through right now."

"Oh really?" Blitz asked disbelievingly. "You know what it's like to be betrayed by the person you love most?"

"Yeah, I do. It's happened to me like… eighteen times." Marceline admitted. "One time, I was dating this guy named Ash. And at first he seemed really nice. For a while I even thought he might be 'the One'. But then he sold my favorite stuffed animal so he could buy something really stupid for himself. And then after I dumped him, he tried to brainwash me into getting back together with him."

"Wow… that's… that's really fucked up." The Imp man replied. "Wait, I thought you were a lesbian."

"No, I'm bisexual."

"Really?"

"Yes, but that's not important right now. Just tell me what I can do to make you feel better so you'll come out."

"Will you have sex with me?"

"No."

"How about just a hand job?"

"Still no."

"Okay… do you have your guitar with you?"

"Of course, man. Always."

"Then will you play something for me?"

"Sure, like what?"

"I don't care. Play anything. With your voice you could sing the phonebook."

While never being one to blow her own horn, Marceline was not immune to flattery, and therefore blushed at the compliment. I mean, her voice was pretty amazing. There were tons of people back home willing to cough up a fortune to hear her sing. Hell, even Breakfast Princess, who had loudly sworn vengeance upon her after the Princess Day Incident, practically begged her to perform at her little sister's birthday party.

Anyway, after searching her extensive mental library of songs, she found one that was appropriate for the situation, whipped out her bass and began to play.

Let's go in the garden~

You'll find something waiting~

Right there where you left it~

Lying upside down~

When you finally find it~

You'll see how it's faded~

The underside is lighter~

When you turn it around~

Ah… this one took her back. Her mother had written this song just for her, and she always sang it to her whenever she was feeling down. It had just the right mix of sad and sweet to really tug at the old heartstrings.

Everything stays~

Right where you left it~

Everything stays~

But it still changes~

Ever so slightly~

Daily and nightly~

In little ways~

When everything stays~

There was a second verse to the song, but the first one seemed to do the trick just fine. Blitz emerged from the closet a few moments after she finished playing; tears in his eyes, but otherwise in a much better mood.

"Thanks, kid." The devil man said gratefully. "That was… wow."

"No problem." Marcy replied, trying to sound modest. "So, you good now?"

"Yeah, I think I can make it the rest of the day."

"Good, cuz I hate seeing my friends like that."

Blitz seemed to appreciate this comment, for he flashed the Vampire Queen a warm smile in return. Elsewhere, the rest of the group seemed visibly touched by this display, even Vaggie; though she was doing her best to conceal it.

Just then, the sound of vigorous clapping reached her ears. Marceline turned around and, to her great surprise, she saw Charlie standing there, applauding her.

"Ch-Charlie." She said nervously; starting to blush a little. "When did you get here?"

"A few minutes ago." The Demon Princess answered cheerfully. "And I have to say, I am sooooooo impressed with how you handled that."

"R-Really?"

"Absolutely! You resolved the situation with compassion and empathy, and without even raising your voice. You really are my star pupil."

"Well, it's only because I have such a great teacher." The Vampire Queen replied as her blush intensified.

Charlie started to blush as well, though probably for different reasons.

"Yes, well, anyway, I've got some free time this afternoon, so I was thinking maybe we could finally have our first private session today. Sound good?"

"Sounds great." Marceline said excitedly as her heart skipped a beat.

"Actually Charlie, I need your help with something." Vaggie cut in sharply, once again dashing the Vampire Queen's hopes and dreams. "We've gotta go over the books again."

"But we already went over them. Three times." Charlie argued.

"I know, by when I was quadruple checking them this morning I found an error on our electric bill. So now we have to octuple check everything to make sure there aren't any more."

"Are you sure that's necessary?"

"Charlie, pretty much all of Hell is against us and demons are looking for any excuse they can find to shut us down. Do you really want to go back to your parents and tell them we failed because of a delinquent bill?"

"Well, no, but…

"Exactly. Now come on. If we do this right it should only take about four hours."

"Oh… okay then. Sorry Marcy. Maybe tomorrow then."

"Yeah, sure… tomorrow." Marceline said as her heart sank yet again.

And with that, Vaggie took Charlie by the hand and led her down the hall like a child.

Marceline stood there in silence for several minutes, waiting until she was absolutely certain they were both out of sight and earshot. And once they were, she let her true emotions show.

"Motherfucker!" she shouted at the top of her voice, before slamming her fist against a nearby wall; causing it to collapse.

This display of her raw power and fury had been enough to send Niffty scuttling away in a panic, but as for the others, they were much less intimidated. Ever the daring one, Crymini stepped forward to see how her friend was doing.

"Feeling better?" she asked casually.

"No!" the Vampire Queen barked back. "Every time it looks like I might get to spend some alone time with Charlie, every fucking time, that one-eyed bitch steals her away from me! What the hell is her problem?"

"You mean besides the fact that you're trying to fuck her girlfriend." Angel Dust said tactlessly, earning a soul-burning glare from the enraged Marceline. "Whoa, easy there, toots. All I'm sayin' is that you can't really blame her for tryin' to mark her territory."

"Charlie isn't her territory, you ass!" she spat venomously. "And are my feelings for her just common knowledge at this point?"

"With all due respect, Marcy. You do lay it on kinda thick." Blitz commented before making a feeble attempt to impersonate Marceline's voice. "Oh, Charlie, you're such a great teacher. Here, let me carry those bags for you. I mean, for fuck's sake, if I didn't know any better, I'd swear you were actually in love with her."

The Vampire Queen said nothing; she just turned her head and blushed.

"Holy shit, you are!"

"Yeah, so what!" she shot back angrily. "Is it really so hard to believe? Are you all so rotten and shitty inside that you can't see what a warm, loving, beautiful person she is? I mean, she's actually nice to you, she even offers you a way out of this shit heap and everyone laughs in her face! Don't tell me you actually like it down here!"

This time it was everyone else's turn to avoid making eye contact; only instead of blushing they all just looked a little ashamed.

"What?"

"Look, it's not that we don't want to go to Heaven." Angel Dust admitted. "I mean, over half the guys I've slept with have told me how much they wanna get outta here. Hell, I've got a sister up there I wouldn't mind seeing again."

"Then why isn't anyone taking this seriously?"

"Because it was Charlie's idea." Crymini answered bluntly.

"I don't understand."

"Look, kid. If someone like Vox or Stolas had pitched this redemption plan then more demons might've been willing to give it a try." Blitz explained while attempting to not sound condescending. "Hell, if a Fomorian were running this place it'd be packed. But Charlie… well… she just doesn't have that much pull."

"Why not? She's Lucifer's daughter. Doesn't that count for something?"

"You'd think so, but the sad truth is that Miss Charlotte has always had a reputation for being naïve and out of touch with reality; long before she ever opened this hotel." Baxter elucidated. "It stems from the fact that she spent the majority of her early life living amongst the other fallen angels, completely cut off from the rest of Hell."

"So she was sheltered as a kid, so what? Does that automatically mean she doesn't know what she's talking about?"

"Well… no…" the Irish Hellhound admitted. "It's just… she's not like us. For Christ's sake, she grew up in a palace, with servants and parents who spoiled her shamelessly. She's never known hunger or poverty. She never even had a job until she opened this place. She has no idea what it's like to be human. So how can she help us become better people?"

Marceline hated to admit it, but that was a fair point. How could Charlie really help anyone if she didn't fully understand what they'd been through? She was starting to understand why so many demons were so dismissive of her ideals.

"Plus, you know, that interview probably didn't help much." Blitz added offhandedly.

"What interview?" Marceline asked confusedly, earning an awkward silence. "Oh come on, guys. What interview?"

"Sigh. Well, you were gonna find out sooner or later. Might as well be now." Crymini said begrudgingly, before she turned to the adjacent angler demon. "Baxter, go fetch your laptop. And a chair, she's gonna want to be sitting down for this.

XXX

Life will be sweet at the Happy Hotel~

Click

The video was only about halfway finished, but for some reason Baxter saw fit to pause it right there; for which Marceline was immeasurably grateful.

"It only gets worse from here." The angler demon said in a nonchalant yet condescending tone. "But judging by the aghast look on your face, I'm assuming you got our point."

Aghast didn't even being to cover it.

After being led to the downstairs parlor by her fellow guests, the Vampire Queen had been sat down and shown a video on Baxter's laptop, depicting a television interview from over seven months ago. In it, Charlie had been attempting to explain the purpose and goals of her new hotel while being grilled and harassed by a very familiar looking reporter. After essentially letting herself get eaten alive, the Demon Princess spontaneously broke out into a song explaining her redemption project. And it had been one of the worst songs she'd ever heard in her entire life.

Crymini had been right, she was glad she'd been sitting for this.

"Oh. My. God." Marceline said with shock and dismay. "I'm in love with a Disney Princess!"

"Eyup." Angel Dust replied with a toothy smirk.

Blitz just snickered.

"It's not funny!" the Irish Hellhound barked, before turning her attention back to Marceline. "You okay, Love?"

"I… I'm not sure." She stammered, still reeling from the video. "I just… I just need to think for a minute. Everybody shut up!"

And surprisingly, everyone did.

Now that she had some peace and quiet, the Vampire Queen could finally sort through her thoughts.

Okay, on the one hand, she had just seen the girl she'd been pining after for over seven weeks sing one of the sappiest, cutesiest, most nausea inducing songs to ever exist in this or any other universe, and in the process, lost a bit of respect for her.

But on the other hand, was that really worth abandoning her quest for true love? Was she really so shallow that she couldn't overlook a single faux pas? After all, she has specifically asked Prismo for someone sunny, perky and cheerful.

But on the other hand, there was sunny and then there was certifiably sunny. And what if she did something like that back on Ooo? Her reputation would be ruined.

But on the other hand, was a reputation more important than true love? After all, Charlie was warm and loving, and she genuinely loved to help people. And in many ways she really was her perfect match. She wasn't just going to find another girl like Charlie by putting out a personal ad.

But on the other hand, that song! That sickeningly saccharine song! How could she as a musician, nay as an artist, be with someone who sings like that?

But on the other hand, it's not like she sang like that all the time. She knew full well that Charlie wasn't just a one note girl. Hell, by that point she'd heard her express just about every emotion out there through song. She was a full spectrum songstress. Do you have any idea how rare that is? Plus, now that she thought about it, the song hadn't been that bad. Sure it was sappy to the point of nauseating, but at least it had been genuine. Not like all the crappy prepackaged garbage you hear nowadays. Charlie put raw emotion into every song she sang, and that took real talent.

But on the other hand…

No!

No!

No!

There was no other hand!

"You know what? I don't care." Marceline declared boldly, having finally made her decision. "I love Charlie and I'm not gonna give up on her because of one crappy song."

"Seriously?" Angel Dust asked disbelievingly. "Well, you're a trooper. I'll give you that much. So, how are you gonna get past her vicious, one-eyed guard dog?"

And just like that, the wind left her sails.

"Sigh. I have no idea." The Vampire Queen admitted as she slumped down into her seat.

"Perhaps I can be of assistance." Said an all too familiar voice.

From seemingly out of nowhere, Alastor stepped into to picture; his ever-present smile somehow even wider than usual.

"Would you all mind stepping out for a few moments?" he asked the others politely. "I'd like to speak with Miss Marceline in private."

Not needing to be told twice, the four other demons all hurried out of the room. Crymini hung back for a second to mouth the words 'be careful' before exiting with the rest.

"Okay, Stretch." The Vampire Queen said fearlessly. "So what's on your mind?"

"Right to the point, I like that. I really do." The Radio Demon replied cheerfully. "Anywho, I hope you'll forgive me for eavesdropping, but I just happened to be passing by when I overheard you boldly declare your love for Miss Charlotte. And I must say, I found your passion deeply moving."

"Uh… thanks." She said confusedly. "Is that all you wanted to say?"

"Far from it, my dear. I've come to offer my assistance?"

"With what?"

"Why, with winning Miss Charlotte's heart, of course."

"Uh-huh… And you wanna help me because…"

"Ah-Ha-Ha! My dear, I can tell you don't trust me. And rightfully so. In my time up on Earth I've bifurcated, decapitated, eviscerated and yes, in a moment of weakness, I've even filed a false income tax return. But even with my blackened, bloodstained soul, I can clearly see that you two crazy kids are made for each other. And what kind of monster would I be if I stood in the way of true love?"

Naturally, Marceline wasn't buying any of this for a second. This guy just oozed sleaze from every pore. However, he had piqued her curiosity.

"Okay, let's pretend I believe you. How exactly would you help me?"

"Why, by getting Miss Vagatha out of the way, of course. So you can be alone with Miss Charlotte and work your magic on her."

"And how would you do that? You're not gonna hurt Vaggie, are you?"

"Of course not. In fact, I'm not going to do anything to her at all. Niffty will do everything for us."

Okay, now she was really curious. And since she didn't have any ideas of her own, it couldn't hurt to at least listen to what the Radio Demon had in mind.

Right?

"Okay, I'll bite. What's your brilliant plan?"

Upon hearing this, Alastor's smile grew even wider.

"Well…"

End Notes:

Just to remind everyone. Prismo uploaded some basic information about this universe into Marceline's brain to help her fit in better. That's how she knows what Disney is.

With that said, thanks for reading and I'll see you in the next one.

Peace.