Adventure Time is the property of Cartoon Network and Hazbin Hotel is the creation of Vivienne M. Medrano aka Vivziepop. With that said, Enjoy.

Chapter 10: I Scream, You Scream

To say that yesterday had been unpleasant for the Princess of Hell would be an understatement of the highest caliber. In fact, it had been one of the worst days of her entire life; not the absolute worst, but definitely somewhere in the Top 10.

After Marcy's trick had been exposed and her true intensions revealed, she and Vaggie had been at each other's throats; each one all but demanding her to turn against the other. It had placed Charlie in a very uncomfortable position; forcing her to choose between the woman she loved and her best prospect for proving her redemption theory.

In the end, she decided to lean towards the latter and not throw Marcy out. Naturally, Vaggie had been very upset by this, but the Demon Princess assured her that she was going to set her no longer secret admirer straight and make sure she understood that they had no future together.

After 'discussing' the issue for several hours with her lover the night before, it had been decided that the best way to break things off with the bat demon was to do so one-on-one and in a public setting where she was less likely to make a scene. And so, to that end, Charlie had invited her to accompany her to her favorite ice cream parlor; under the pretense of it being a new type of therapy technique.

Which brings us to the present.

Charlie and Marcy were strolling side by side down one of Hell's many crowded sidewalks. Each one enjoying a different frozen treat courtesy of M.T. Wexler's Old Fashioned Creamery; the only ice cream parlor in all of Hell that didn't use pills or crystal meth as toppings. Sure, there was still alcohol mixed in, but it was fine as long as you didn't eat it too fast. But anyway, so far their little venture into the city had gone without incident. In fact, neither of them had said anything since leaving Wexler's about eleven minutes ago. The silence was soothing, but at the same time unnerving; sort of like the quiet just before a bomb goes off.

"You know what's weird?" Marceline asked suddenly, finally breaking the awful silence. "When I asked that lady at the counter which flavor looked the most like blood, she didn't even flinch. Like she hears that question all the time."

"Well, considering this is Hell, that's entirely possible." Charlie replied, attempting to keep the conversation light. "I mean, she had an answer for you almost immediately. By the way, how is your ice cream."

"It's okay, hold on." The bat demon said casually before sinking her fangs into the frozen confection to drain the rest of the red from it. "Ah~ Delicious~ Oh shit, brain freeze!"

The Demon Princess couldn't help but laugh at this display. For a moment she even forgot why she was there. But once Marcy's rather humorous head pain subsided, she remembered her true objective and adopted a more series expression.

"Marcy, there's something we need to talk about."

"Don't bother." The bat demon cut her off. "I know you're kicking me out of the Hotel."

"What?"

"That's why you brought me out in public, so I wouldn't make a scene. And you even bought me ice cream to soften the blow."

"Marcy, I'm not kicking you out." The Demon Princess interjected. "Not yet anyway. But I just want you to know that what you did yesterday was completely unacceptable. You coerced one of my hotel staff into kidnapping the woman I love, just so you could be alone with me. And after your confession, I must admit, there's a part of me that thinks you've been lying to me all this time. That you've just been telling me what I want to hear so I'll go to bed with you."

"No, Charlie I…

"Let me finish." She said sternly before continuing. "Now, as I was saying, part of me thinks you've been lying to me. But another, much bigger part wants to believe that you've mostly been telling the truth and that somewhere deep down you really do want to better yourself. And that's usually the part I listen to. So, for now, I'm willing to forgive you and let you stay, but if you ever pull something like that again, I'll have no choice but to banish you from my Hotel. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Ma'am. I understand." Marcy replied meekly.

"Good. I'm glad we could have this talk."

"But that doesn't change how I feel about you. I'm still in love with you, Charlie. And I know we're meant to be together."

"Marcy… sigh… You don't really love me. You just want to love me because you're afraid of being alone. And that's perfectly understandable, but this kind of… infatuation isn't healthy. And it certainly won't help you get into Heaven."

"I don't care about Heaven. I care about love." The bat demon said passionately. "I care about having someone to hold hands with while we walk down the street. I care about having someone beside me when I fall asleep and still be there when I wake up. And as much as I hate to admit it, I also care about having someone to cuddle with me on the couch when I'm feeling lonely. But keep that one under your hat, okay?"

Charlie just nodded in response.

"The point is that I don't know a lot of things, but I know how I feel. I really am in love with you, Charlie. And okay, maybe I jumped the gun a little with Vaggie, but I still think I'd be much better for you, and I'm willing to bet everything on it."

"What do you mean?"

"You know that big extermination thing that's coming up in a few months?"

"Uh… yeah."

"Well, if I can't convince you that we're meant to be together by the time it's over, then I'll leave the Hotel and you'll never see me again."

"Marcy, I… I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that."

"Look, I promise I'll stay out of your and Vaggie's way. I won't interfere with any of your dates or anything like that. I'll just keep showing up to our group and private sessions. That's it."

"Marcy, I really don't think…"

But before the Demon Princess could finish her thought, an unfamiliar voice derailed their conversation.

"Mom, please don't make me do this." Said the voice, clearly recognizable as that of a young female. "Come on, I said I was sorry."

"Sorry isn't gonna cut it this time, young lady." Said another voice, this one also female but much more mature. "Like it or not, Moxxie is your daddy now, and that means you have to give him the same respect you give me. And when you don't, it means you have to be punished. End of story."

"But it was an accident. He just caught me off guard."

"Nobody bites someone in the face by accident, sugar. Especially not down here. Now come on, there's no talking your way out of this."

Giving in to her curiosity, Charlie turned away from Marcy to see who was talking, and to her surprise, she saw a short, dark-haired imp woman leading a much taller wolf like hellhound on a leash. Granted, this on its own was not all that unusual; hellhounds were on the low end of Hell's hierarchy and often treated as pets or sex slaves. But what caught her attention was the fact that she knew this particular hellhound, at least by reputation.

"Loona?" she said aloud without meaning to, instantly gaining their attention.

"Yeah. Who's asking?" the snowy white Hellhound asked annoyedly.

"Uh… I am." Charlie answered nervously, but thankfully before things could escalate into something violent and/or awkward, the hellhound's owner stepped in.

"Oh. My. Gosh!" the little imp woman said excitedly. "Princess Charlie! It is just an absolute honor to meet you. I'm a huge fan."

"It is? You are?" the Demon Princess asked confusedly.

"Oh, absolutely! I don't care what anyone else says, I thought your song was just too delightful. I'm Millie, by the way. And this is my new daughter, Loona. But you already knew that." The little imp replied with an aura of perkiness to match her own, before turning her attention to Marcy. "Oh, and I already know who you are. Blitz used to just rave about you in all the texts he sent me before my husband made me block his number. And he was right. You are just too adorable. And you've got such a gorgeous butt."

"Wait, Blitz said what?" the bat demon asked with equal parts anger and embarrassment.

"Oh, don't worry. That's just his way." Millie explained, before adopting a much less cheerful expression. "How is he?"

"He'd be doing a lot better if it wasn't for you two." Marcy answered crassly. "Every time you post a new status update, he loses his mind. After the last one he tried to kill himself by drinking mouth wash."

"Oh dear…"

"Hey, back off!" Loona barked as she took a defensive position in front of Millie. "It wasn't our idea. Stolas makes us post those photos. He's the one who wants Blitz to suffer, not us."

"Seriously?"

"I'm afraid so." The little imp woman replied somberly. "I wanted this lawsuit to be as quick and painless as possible, but once Stolas got involved… well, you know how vicious those upper level demons can be."

Charlie knew full well, having nearly been forced to marry one some time ago, so she sympathized with their position.

"I understand." She told them. "And my friend is sorry for snapping at you. Aren't you?"

"Yeah, my bad."

"Oh, it's quite alright, darlin'. And really, just knowing Blitz has friends who care about him that much puts my mind at ease."

"Well I'm glad that's settled. So, what brings you to this part of town?" the Demon Princess asked politely.

"Nothing much. Little Miss Grumpy Pants here pitched a fit when my husband tried to give her a belly rub and bit him right in the face. Twelve times. So now I've gotta punish her."

"How? By making her follow you around on a leash?" Marcy asked confusedly.

"Oh, no. She loves this part. Isn't that right, Sweetie? Yes, you just love going for walkies with your new mommy~ Don't you, my cute widdle Poopsie Whoopsie~"

"Mom! You promised you wouldn't call me that in front of people!"

"And you promised to respect Moxxie and start calling him 'Daddy'. And yet here we are."

"Ugh!"

"Anyway, after I got my hubby all stitched up, I made an appointment for Loona at the Lady Cerberus Hellhound Salon so she can get a deluxe makeover." Millie explained, but upon seeing the confused looks on both their faces, she decided to elaborate. "You see, I'm strongly against child abuse and animal cruelty. So I favor creative over corporal punishment."

"Letting a bunch of fags shave my ass and turn me into a fucking poodle, you don't call that cruelty?"

"Keep up that attitude and I'll make this a regular thing."

"Ugh! Fine! I'll behave. But can you at least tell them not to touch my bush? I'm kinda sensitive down there."

"I think we can work something out." Millie said slyly before turning her attention back to Charlie and Marcy. "Anyway, it has just been an absolute treat meeting you two, but we've gotta get going before we miss our appointment at the salon. Have a wonderful day, Your Majesty. You too, Miss Vaggie. Oh, and tell Blitz I said Hi. Ta-Ta~"

And with that, the little imp woman and her hellhound daughter were already halfway up the street; leaving the two women in an awkward silence.

"They thought… I was Vaggie?" Marcy asked, sounding completely dumbfounded.

"So it would seem." Charlie replied, stifling a laugh.

"How and why would she ever think I was Vaggie?"

"Well… it might have something to do with you being out in public with me, on what probably looks like a date. Also, there's your grey skin and the fact that your hair is covering one of your eyes right now."

"Whatever!" the bat demon spat defensively as she threw her hair out of her face.

Again, the Demon Princess had to hold back a giggle.

"You know, you really should give Vaggie a chance. You two actually have a lot in common."

"Yeah, like what?"

"Ice cream."

"So what? Lots of people like ice cream."

"No, I mean yours is melting."

"What?"

And sure enough, it was true. While they'd been chatting, her ice cream had dripped all over her gardening gloves.

"Eh, whatever. I was done with it anyway."

And with that, Marcy casually tossed the half melted cone over her shoulder.

An act she would quickly come to regret.

"AH! What the shit?" an unpleasantly familiar voice said furiously. "Okay, who's tired of breathing?"

'No, not her.' Charlie thought frantically as a creeping dread washed over her body. 'Please, God, anyone but her.'

Slowly she turned around and, to her immense displeasure, she saw that it was in fact her. The disgusting yet admittedly sexy mass of tentacles, teeth and attitude who had been the bane of her existence for as long as she could remember. Her archnemesis and all-around least favorite person in all of Hell, the Future Grand Duchess of the Fomorians, Helsa von Eldritch.

Standing beside her was another Fomorian Charlie had never seen before. She was slightly shorter than Helsa and a fair bit… plushier, for lack of a more polite word. Her skin was dark blue and like all Fomorians she had a mouth full of razor sharp teeth. But by far her most striking feature was her single massive eye which was kept shut via a diamond stud in her eyelids.

For a moment, the Demon Princess thought they might get lucky and Helsa wouldn't notice them. But no sooner had the thought entered her mind then did the two Fomorians turn around and catch sight of them.

"Well, isn't this a fun surprise." Helsa said in that oh-so oily voice of hers; smiling wickedly as she and her companion approached them. "My old friend, Charlie Magne. Why, I haven't seen you since… the last time you publicly humiliated yourself. So what's it been? Twelve weeks? That's a personal best for you, isn't it?"

"Helsa." Charlie replied in the most polite but least friendly tone she could manage, while doing her best not to gag from the Fomorian's rancid, butcher shop dumpster breath. "You're looking well."

"Thanks. Ballie and I just came from the spa." The slimy cephalopod said in that disingenuous tone people use when they're trying to be polite to someone they hate. "Oh, that's right, you two haven't met, have you? Charlie, this is my new Boo, Ballora Bale-Eye. Ballora, this is Charlie. The one I told you about."

"Charmed." The other Fomorian said in a raspy voice that didn't quite match her appearance.

"Ditto." The Demon Princess replied with false decorum. "So, Helsa… I see you're branching out from your usual tastes."

"Yeah, Ballie's a little thicker than I usually like, but trust me, she's amazing in bed. Plus, it never hurts to broaden your horizons." Helsa said with her usual oily snark. "But what am I telling you for? From the looks of it, you've already got yourself a hot new piece."

"Marcy isn't my girlfriend. She's a guest at my hotel." Charlie said, trying not to show how flustered she was. "And not that's it's any of your business, but out of everyone, she's the closest to getting into Heaven. Why, she'll probably be out of Hell before the next Cleansing."

At this, Helsa let out an unpleasantly throaty chuckle.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing, it's just really cute that after all these years you're still trying to impress me."

"What? No! I was just…"

"Look, I think it's sweet that you've still got a thing for me, but you've just gotta accept that it's never gonna happen. Our fathers couldn't agree on a dowry so the wedding was canceled. It wasn't personal. And really, it was for the best, because you're lousy in bed."

"Well maybe I could've done better if you hadn't been shoving your gross tentacles up my ass!"

"You have no appreciation for romance."

"I have no appreciation for romance?"

"Whoa. Whoa! Whoa! Back it up a second." Marcy interjected suddenly. "You two used to be together? You're the Fomorian she almost married?"

"Oh, she told you about that, did she?" Helsa asked amusedly. "Yes, it's true. Our fathers arranged for us to be married about a hundred years ago. They even made us live together while they hammered out the details. Until they got into an argument and called the whole thing off. But enough about that. Let's talk about you, Cutie Pie. If you're not attached to Charlie, then how'd you like a night with a couple of real women? Ballie and I are into some really weird shit. What do you say?"

"Thanks. But I don't think I can hold my breath that long." The bat demon said sarcastically. "Seriously, your breath is dog shit. Have you ever heard of tooth paste?"

At this, the Fomorian just laughed and said,

"That's One."

She then turned her attention back to Charlie.

"So by the way, where is that yummy little ragdoll of yours? Did she finally come to her senses and dump you when she realized what a shitty girlfriend you are?"

That was the last straw.

"Hey! I am a great girlfriend!" the Demon Princess shouted as her blood began to boil. "Vaggie and I are doing just fine!"

"Yeah, sure you are. All 'great girlfriends' frequently embarrass their lovers in public, ignore their sound advice and invite dangerous psychopaths to live with them. Psychopaths, I might add, who get a kick out of humiliating said lovers."

"How do you…"

"Know about Alastor? Immaterial. What matters is that I know you. As well I should. I mean, one doesn't live with a woman for seven months without learning how she thinks. One doesn't taste the flower of a woman without becoming familiar with her habits. One doesn't shove one's tentacles up a woman's asshole again and again until she screams like a fucking baby…"

"Is there a point to this, or are you just trying to make us throw up?" Marcy asked derisively.

"Heh-Heh. That's Two. And anyway, my point is that I know Charlie better than almost anyone. I know how she thinks. And I know why her little redemption plan isn't working?"

"Oh, and why is that?" Charlie asked annoyedly.

"Because your motives are corrupt."

"What?"

"That's right. If you really cared about redeeming souls, you would've done it by now just by listening to Vaggie. After all, she knows more about Heaven than almost anyone else down here. But no, it's not enough for you to just get some souls into Heaven. You have to do it your way, because that's the only way you can show your dad that you're not the failure he thinks you are. And at the end of the day, that's all you really care about."

"That's not true!"

"Oh yes it is. Everyone down here thinks you're just a naïve little goody two shoes. But I know better. I know that deep down you're even more self-centered than I am. No small feat, I assure you."

It was at this point that Charlie's resolve was beginning to breakdown. Helsa's words cut far deeper than she would've thought. And for a moment, she feared she might start crying. But luckily, Marcy intervened.

"That's enough!" the bat demon barked furiously. "Listen you squiggling mass of squid shit, I don't know who you think you are, but Charlie is the Princess of Hell, and like it or not you are gonna show her the respect she deserves. So you'd better apologize before I kick your fucking ass!"

To emphasize her point, Marcy had poked Helsa in the chest several times as she spoke; an act which Charlie knew from experience was a very bad idea.

"Did you just poke me?" the Fomorian asked as her left eye began to twitch.

"Yeah, so what if I did?"

"And that's three!"

And before anyone could even try to react, Helsa wrapped Marcy in her tentacles and slammed her hard against the nearest wall. Then, with hate in her eyes, the Fomorian opened her mouth impossibly wide; revealing her many rows of razor sharp teeth.

Realizing what was about to happen, Charlie rushed to save her friend, or at least she tried to. Before she could take even a single step, the Demon Princess fell to the ground; feeling helpless and weak.

She looked up and, to her surprise, she saw that Ballora was standing over her with a cruel smile on her lips. The stud had been removed from her eyelids, unveiling her single bulbous eye. Charlie wasn't quite sure how, but she knew that that eye was draining away her strength. So she could only watch in horror as her friend was about to be brutally devoured.

Of course, Marcy wasn't just going to take this lying down. She struggled and writhed and transformed more than a dozen times, but Helsa's tentacles were just too strong.

Slowly, the Fomorian's giant maw closed in on the bat demon. For a moment it looked like it was all over for her.

Until…

Shing!

Suddenly, there was a long, sharp spear sticking out of the back of Helsa's head. And holding onto that spear was none other than Charlie's favorite girl, the ever fearsome and fabulous Vaggie; her hair and clothes restored to their usual loveliness.

With a wet and sickening crack, Vaggie pulled her weapon out of Helsa's skull, causing her to fall limply to the ground.

"Helsa!" Ballora screamed as she rushed to her girlfriend's side; taking her baleful eye off Charlie. "It's okay, baby. I've got you."

"Get this shit out of my sight." Vaggie told the shorter Fomorian in a commanding voice; glaring straight into her bulbous eye.

Not needing to be told twice, Ballora did as instructed and carried her lover off to parts unknown.

With the threat over and her strength returning, Charlie stood up just in time to see Marcy rushing over to thank her savior.

"Oh my God! Thank you so much." The bat demon said, breathing heavily.

"You're welcome." Vaggie answered gruffly, before turning her eye to glare at Charlie. "We need to talk."

End Notes:

Thanks for reading and I'll see you in the next one.

Peace.