Adventure Time is the property of Cartoon Network and Hazbin Hotel is the creation of Vivienne M. Medrano aka Vivziepop. With that said, Enjoy.

Chapter 12: A Little Help from a Friend

"Oh God… Oh God…" Blitz said anxiously as he stared into his phone. "Loona just posted a new pic on Pandemonium. I don't know if my heart can take it."

"Then don't look at it." Baxter suggested in the most condescending tone he could muster.

"No, No, I already know it's there. If I don't look at it now, I'll just spend all day obsessing over what it might be." The lanky imp man explained before handing his phone over to another bar patron. "Angel, you look at it for me."

"Okay." The spider demon said with a shrug before examining Blitz's mobile. "Holy Shit!"

"What? What is it?"

"Looks like Loona's got herself a whole new look. She's gone from white wolf to pink poodle."

"Oh my God!"

"Actually, she doesn't look too bad. She's got streaks of black mixed in with the pink. She's like a… Goth-a-Poo or somethin'."

"Oh my God!"

"Oh, and it seems I'm not the only one who likes her new look. Little Loona's got herself a new girlfriend."

"What? Who? Who is it?"

"I'm not so sure I should tell ya. I don't think you can take it."

"Bullshit! I'm a grown man! I can handle the truth, no matter how ugly it is. So lay it on me, Stretch."

"Okay, but unless I miss my guess, that's Stolas' daughter Octavia, and she and Loona are…"

"I was wrong! Lie to me! Lie, damn you!"

"Uh… I think they're rehearsing a play. Is there a mostly naked version of 'Oklahoma'?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

And with that, Blitz ran screaming out of the lobby; presumably to perform another ill-conceived and utterly futile suicide attempt.

Angel Dust, of course, just sat there and laughed.

"Heh-Heh-Heh. Holy Shit. Blitzy's losing his mind." The spider demon said with a sadistic smirk.

"Yeah, so why do you keep picking on him?" Crymini asked disapprovingly.

"Was that a rhetorical question?"

The Irish Hellhound opened her mouth to respond, but before she could, an all too familiar sound cut her off.

Ding-Dong.

It was the doorbell, obviously, but since recent events had left the regular hotel staff in disarray, there was no one to answer it. So Crymini, for various reasons, took it upon herself to answer it for them. Upon doing so, she found a portly, armadillo like demon standing on the doorstep, holding a stack of pizzas.

"Hey, what's up?" the armadillo man asked nonchalantly. "Is this the Happy Hotel?"

"No, it's a drycleaners. We just put the giant flashing neon sign on as a gag." She replied sarcastically.

"Ha-Ha. Very funny. Look, I've got four 3-Person-Mafias and the boss told me to bring 'em to this address."

"What the fuck is a 3-Person-Mafia?"

"It's a large thin crust pizza topped with anchovies, veal meatballs and diced scorpion peppers."

"That sounds horrible! I'm not paying for some gross prank pizzas."

"Actually, someone already paid for these online."

"Oh, well then hand 'em over." Crymini said rudely as she took the boxes from the younger demon's hands; because after all, a disgusting free pizza is still a free pizza.

"Hey! What about my tip?"

"Dude, you're delivering pizzas in Hell. It is way too late for constructive criticism."

And with that, she promptly slammed the door in his face and went back into the lobby to show off her edible booty.

"Hey, guys! Check it out!" she called to her companions at the bar. "I got free pizza!"

"Hot Damn! I'm starvin'." Angel Dust proclaimed joyfully.

"Oh, what the hell, I could eat." Added Baxter.

And the two rushed over to enjoy the spoils. But before they could grab even a single slice, a familiar greyish blur beat them to the punch.

"Hands off!" yelled the blur, now revealed to be Vaggie, as she snatched the pizza boxes from Crymini's hands. "These are my pizzas! Go order your own!"

"Oh come on. You're seriously gonna eat four huge pizzas all by yourself?" the Irish Hellhound asked annoyedly.

"That's right." The one-eyed demon replied caustically.

"Didn't I just see you slam down a taco platter like two hours ago?" asked Angel Dust with only a hint of concern.

"Yes, and before that, I saw you inhale an entire case of Oreos." Baxter added, sounding even more detached than Angel. "Not to mention the deluxe sushi boat, the rib roast from the fridge, the pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream, those stuffed bell peppers from last thursday, that triple stacked garlic bacon cheeseburger with curly fires, the…"

"So I eat when I'm upset! So what?" Vaggie said defensively.

"Well that's one mystery solved. Now we know what you're in Hell for." The spider demon said jokingly. "Gotta say though, never took you for a glutton."

"Oh, like you're one to judge!" she shot back venomously. "I could eat like this every day and burn down an orphanage on Christmas Eve and I still wouldn't be as bad as you three fucks!"

"So… your girlfriend dumped you and your plan to win her back is to be super bitchy and fat?" Crymini asked derisively. "Follow-up Question, you've been stuffing yourself for like a week, how the fuck have you not gained any weight?"

"Shut up!" Vaggie yelled furiously. "Charlie didn't dump me! She just fired me as her Hotel Manager… and kicked me out of the penthouse… and said we were on break…"

"Ah… Straight to the point and yet still somehow roundabout. Classic Charlie." Angel said mockingly; which earned him another piercing glare from Vaggie.

But before the one-eyed demon could act upon her rage, her phone began to ring. Seemingly forgetting everything else, she pulled it out to see who was calling, but upon doing so, her eye went wide, her skin grew pale and she dropped the pizza boxes to the floor.

"The pizzas!" Crymini cried out in despair.

"Take 'em." Replied Vaggie, her voice suddenly like that of a frightened child. "I just lost my appetite."

Then without another word, she excused herself from the room; presumably to answer her phone.

The Irish Hellhound briefly considered going after her to see if everything was alright, but a sudden rumble in her tummy made her reconsider; because after all, a free pizza on the floor is still a free pizza.

XXX

It had taken Vaggie about fifteen minutes to find a secluded balcony on the seventh floor where no one would bother her, and at no point did her phone ever stop ringing. Not that she ever thought it would; Lucifer was many things, but impatient wasn't one of them.

Oh, how she'd been dreading this call; ever since that media vulture Katie Killjoy posted their breakup on her stupid news show. She knew that sooner or later Charlie's Father would come demanding answers, but it was a genuine shock that he had waited this long.

Remember earlier when I said that being the Princess of Hell's lover wasn't easy? Well, this was another reason why. Lucifer Morningstar Mange, the Supreme Ruler of Hell, was a being of many frightening contrasts; one minute he was a loving, devoted husband and father, the next he was an unstoppable avatar of fire and rage. And the worst part was that he could switch between these two extremes so seamlessly that it was almost impossible to predict what he was going to do at any given time. So a big part of being Charlie's girlfriend was keeping her father happy; which, given their current relationship, was like juggling butcher knives on a high wire.

But regardless, there was no sense in putting it off any longer. So after putting her phone on Speaker, because she didn't want the Dark King screaming directly into her ear, she tapped the Answer button on her screen and said,

"Hello."

"Hello yourself." The voice on the other end said in a soothing, almost hypnotic tone. "Tough week, eh Kiddo?"

"Sir, I know you're angry, but…"

"No, No, No. We've been over this a thousand times." Lucifer cut her off, still using that eerily calm voice. "Lesser beings call me 'Sir'. You are a member of my inner circle, and as such, you must call me…"

"I'm sorry. I… I just forgot. Forgive me, Apple Daddy."

"That's better." The Dark King said amusedly, before adopting a much sterner tone. "Now on to business. What the fuck is going on down there?"

"Please, I know you're angry, but let me explain."

"No, let me explain. When Charlie first suggested this Redemption Plan, I wanted to nip it in the bud, but you convinced me to let her try. You said that all she needed was a little experience to help her mature. You said that once she saw just how hopeless the lower demons were, she'd give up and come around to our way of thinking. You said that you'd keep me updated on any unforeseen developments and make sure that nothing interfered with our plan. You said that everything would be back to normal before the next Cleansing. So tell me, why is my very impressionable daughter suddenly getting so cozy with some lowly mortal sinner?"

"Please, I know how it looks, but I really can explain everything."

"Of that I've no doubt. And because you've proven your loyalty to me time and time again, I'm going to let you. But this is your only chance. So make it count."

Vaggie was understandably terrified. One wrong word could spell doom for herself and for Charlie. But at the same time, she couldn't just outright lie. Afterall, she was talking to the man who invented lying. Best to deflect as much of the blame from Charlie as she could.

"It all started a couple months ago. This new girl, Marceline, showed up at the Hotel and she really hit it off with Charlie. So well that I kinda… sorta… got insanely jealous. And then I got super clingy. And then… then I got so freaked out that I spat on her dreams until she cried. Oh God, just fucking kill me already. I deserve it."

"Jeez, take a pill, Kiddo. I'm not gonna kill you. I don't do that to family. What kind of monster do you think I am?"

"Well…"

"Shut up. That was obviously rhetorical. And anyway, based on what little I've seen of her, this Marceline isn't exactly a passive observer in all this. She's clearly got a thing for Charlie, which means you're only half to blame for all this. But don't worry, I can fix everything."

"How? Charlie kicked me out of the penthouse. She won't even talk to me. And now she's spending all her time with Marceline, who's filling her head with who knows what."

"What did I just say about taking a pill? And trust me, it's gonna be fine. Now here's what's gonna happen. I'll be there in like half an hour, and after I'm done turning this Marceline bitch into a giant bloody sock puppet, I'm shutting down the Hotel and bringing you both home."

"No, please…"

"I'm bringing you both home." Lucifer repeated, a bit more forcefully this time. "And then we're all going to sit down and talk this out like a family. No matter how long it takes."

"You can't do that!" Vaggie shouted, briefly forgetting who she was talking to.

"Oh, and why not?" the Light Bringer replied in a soft yet sinister voice.

Suddenly, Vaggie felt very, very sick. She had just, albeit unintentionally, told the King of Hell what to do. And as I'm sure you've already guessed, he really doesn't like that. Now she had to think of a response that wouldn't get her erased from existence.

"Be-Because… Because Charlie's already mad at me. If you come down here now, she'll think I asked you to. And then she'll never forgive me."

There was a long pause as Lucifer thought over what she'd just said; every second felt like an eternity. But finally, after about a minute and a half of unbearable silence, the Dark King replied.

"Well, we certainly can't have that." He said calmly, much to Vaggie's relief. "But this Hotel nonsense is clearly putting a strain on your relationship, and we can't have that either. I need you two back to being in love so you can get married as soon as Charlie comes to her senses. So, Kiddo, how do you wanna handle this?"

Once again, Vaggie felt very sick. She hadn't the slightest idea how to fix this mess. But Lucifer was expecting an answer, so she had to say something. But again, any sort of lie would be detected immediately. But she had to say something. Something that would save herself, Charlie and the Hotel all at once.

She needed an idea.

No, she needed a miracle.

And believe it or not, that's precisely what she got.

Just as she was about to open her mouth and say something that would probably get her killed, something small and fast skittered up her leg, around her ass, past her stomach and then finally up through her cleavage.

"Hello~" said a familiar little one-eyed demon in a sugary voice as she popped out from between her breasts.

"Niffty!" Vaggie exclaimed, sounding understandably pissed. "Get the fuck off me!"

"Okay~" the little maniac singsonged before leaping out of Vaggie's cleavage, snatching her phone and landing on the ground several feet in front of her. "Hello~ Mr. Lucifer, Sir?"

"No, Niffty, for the love of God…" Vaggie said, frantically trying to warn her former coworker.

But alas, it was already too late.

"Yeah, that's me. Who the fuck are you?" Lucifer replied, sounding only slightly annoyed by the intrusion.

"Sir, my name is Niffty and I work as a maid in your Daughter's hotel." The little maniac explained politely. "I'm very sorry for eavesdropping on this private conversation that you had very loudly for some reason, but I think I can help you with your problem. I know how we can get Ms. Vaggie and Ms. Charlie back together."

'Oh Lord.' Vaggie thought in fearful exasperation.

"Okay, uh… Niffty, was it? I'll bite. What is your 'brilliant' plan?" Lucifer asked derisively.

"Well Sir, and this is just based off my own observations, so feel free to take it with a grain of salt, but I think the main reason your daughter is so drawn to Ms. Marceline is because she can fulfill certain needs that Ms. Vaggie can't."

"And what the fuck does that mean?"

"To put it simply, Ms. Charlie is an old fashioned romantic. She goes all in for the type of courtship you see in old movies; flowers, chocolates, moonlit strolls on the beach. And with her penchant for serenading, Ms. Marceline certainly fits the bill."

"Hmmm… Interesting theory."

"Yes, but while she's good at being romantic, she can't really take care of your daughter, not the way Ms. Vaggie can. But if Ms. Vaggie were as romantic as Ms. Marceline, then Ms. Charlie would run back to her in a heartbeat."

"I.. suppose that makes sense. Only one problem, Vaggie can't sing for shit."

"Oh, there's all kinds of ways to be romantic. And I should know, I've read every romance novel ever made, and I've written over eight hundred fanfictions. I'm basically a romance expert, so I'd be more than happy to teach Ms. Vaggie how to pitch woo so she can win Ms. Charlie back."

'That is the stupidest idea I've ever heard.' Vaggie thought annoyedly. 'There's no way Lucifer will go for this.'

"I like it!" the King of Hell proclaimed, causing Vaggie to deadpan. "It's daring, it's classic and it's just bat shit crazy enough to work. But one question, why are you so eager to help?"

"Oh golly, it's nothing all that complicated. I just think Ms. Charlie and Ms. Vaggie belong together. They're just the cutest couple in all of Hell~" Niffty explained elatedly. "Also, Ms. Marceline tricked me into kidnapping Ms. Vaggie so she could put the moves on your daughter and I don't like being used!"

"AH-HA-HA-HA-HA! I love it! I love this energy!" Lucifer proclaimed amusedly. "Okay, Niffty, you've convinced me. From now on, you're Vaggie's personal romance coach."

"Really? Oh Golly, that's just swell! I promise I won't let you down, Sir."

"I'm sure you won't. Now please, be a lamb and hand Vaggie back her phone."

"Righty-O~" Niffty singsonged as she returned said phone to its rightful owner.

"Good, now Vaggie, take us off Speaker. This next part is just for you."

Not wanting to anger him any further, Vaggie did as instructed and then put the device to her ear.

"Are we off Speaker?"

"Yes, Apple Daddy. It's just us now."

"Good. Now pay attention. I'm giving you this chance to fix your little fuck up because I like you, and because I truly believe there is no one else in the universe fit to marry my daughter. But don't take my mercy for granted. Lilith and I are extremely unhappy with Charlie being away from home for so long. And since that was partly your fault too, you're gonna help us fix it."

"What do you mean?"

"You're going to learn from Niffty. You're going to absorb everything you can to become a master of romance. And once you've gotten Charlie to take you back, you're going to use those same skills to convince her to give up this silly Redemption Project and come home."

"I… I'm not sure I can do that."

"You can, you will, and you're on a deadline. Lilith wants Charlie back before the next Cleansing."

"But that's only four months away!"

"I know. So you'd better not waste any time. Because if you two aren't in love and in my palace by the time the Exterminators show up, I will personally make sure you never come within a thousand miles of Charlie ever again. Do you understand me?"

"But that's not fair!"

"DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME, LITTLE SISTER?"

"Y-Y-Y-Yes, Apple Daddy. I-I understand."

"Good. I'll be in touch."

And with that, the Dark King hung up.

Leaving Vaggie to feel as though she were a field mouse in the jaws of a Bengal Tiger.

End Notes:

Editing this chapter took surprisingly less time than I thought it would.

Anyway, thanks for reading and I'll see you in the next one.

Peace.