This chapter marks the official halfway point of the story Milestone! Anyway, Adventure Time is the property of Cartoon Network and Hazbin Hotel is the creation of Vivienne M. Medrano aka Vivziepop. With that said, Enjoy.

Chapter 13: That's Why I'm the King

High above the city in his Palace of Light, Lucifer Morningstar Magne, the Supreme Ruler of Hell and Grandmaster of the Fallen Angels, fumed furiously in his favorite armchair.

It had been nearly two weeks since his Daughter's hasty and ill-conceived breakup with her ideal mate was made public by a certain media whore, and his mood had still not improved. And how could it? Charlie was throwing her life away, Lilith wasn't speaking to him, and all his plans for the future were going up in smoke. If it were physically possible, he'd have developed a stomach ulcer by now. And all because of one little bat demon.

Marceline.

Marceline.

Marceline!

Just the sound of her name made his blood boil.

Oh, the hours he'd sat in that armchair, devising the perfect revenge for that intrusive little slut. Erasure at the hands of his Brothers in Heaven was far too lenient. No, she was going to suffer; long and hard. At least until the sun exploded.

But before he could indulge in such frivolity, he first had to get his Daughter back together with Vaggie, which brings us to our current situation.

The Dark King was, as previously mentioned, sitting in his favorite armchair in a secluded parlor in the south wing of the Palace; fuming like a dragon. His right hand man and favorite brother, Samael, had just returned from an intel gathering mission in the archives and the results were… less than satisfactory.

"Nothing?" he said with controlled frustration. "What do you mean nothing?"

"I mean, Brother, that there is no file on this Marceline person down in archives." Sammy replied, maintaining his usual monotone.

"How can she not have a file? Everyone has a file. That's how it works."

"In theory, yes, but more people are arriving in Hell these days than our antiquated system can keep up with. So, every now and then, someone slips through the cracks."

"And why the fuck haven't we upgraded?"

"Well, we were going to back in the early 1990s, but you said it would be funnier to keep the old system so the imps down in archives had to work twice as hard."

"Oh… right… it's all coming back to me now." Lucifer said with more than a little embarrassment. "Shit. Well what are we gonna do now?"

"There are more ways than one to gather intel, Brother." Samael replied calmly. "We could just pound the pavement and ask around. Roughly half of everyone who dies ends up down here, odds are someone knows something about her. It could at least give us a head start."

"Perhaps… but you and I are a bit too… conspicuous. Same goes for all our Brothers and Sisters. All of Hell fears us, as it should be, but that fear makes it difficult to extract information from the lesser beings. Anyone who sees us will flee on sight and even if we catch them, they'll say anything to avoid our wrath, and information extracted under duress is selfdom reliable."

"We could go in disguise." Samael suggested.

"Hmm… maybe. But without knowing where to start, it could take years to ferret out any useful intel and we just don't have the time."

"Then what shall we do, Brother?"

"I'm not sure. I need… I need to clear my head." Lucifer replied, as a perverse thought entered his brain, causing a devilish smile to spread across his lips. "Let's go play with the bug again."

XXX

The walk from the south wing to the dungeon took about eleven minutes and was so uneventful that usually it wouldn't even be worth mentioning, but for the sake of this story I'll pick things up just a few minutes before the two Fallen Angels arrived at their destination.

"I honestly don't see what the big deal is." Samael said in his signature monotone. "All couples fight from time to time. It doesn't necessarily mean they're going to breakup. And surely our Sister can win Miss Charlotte back on her own. Afterall, she is one of us. The first new addition to our kind in over a century. And this Marceline… well… she's just a nobody."

"Yes, but she's a nobody with tight pants and a guitar. And Charlie isn't known for making smart decisions." Lucifer replied gruffly. "I'm not saying I don't trust Vaggie to do what needs to be done, but that won't mean shit if Charlie is her usual obstinate self and rejects her for some smooth-talking street performer. We need something to tip the scale in our favor. Something that will make this Marceline bitch seem less attractive. For fuck's sake, she must've done something to end up down here."

"Perhaps you'll find an answer after a bit of frivolity." His Brother said supportively. "And speaking of which, we've arrived."

And sure enough, it was true. Before them was a massive door of solid adamantine; a metal so strong it was impervious to all but the Almighty Father himself. With a simple wave of the Dark King's hand, the inner mechanisms were activated and the door swung open; revealing a large mostly empty room which housed a lone figured chained to a chair.

Said figure was battered, bruised and bloody, with a swollen left eye, three missing teeth and six fewer fingernails than she had at the start, but still recognizable to any denizen of Hell as the now former anchor of Channel 666 News, Katie Killjoy.

"Oh, it's you two." The insectoid demon said, sounding just as 'pleasant' as ever. "So, what's it gonna be this time? Bamboo under my nails? Rusty screws in my teeth? Oh, I know, how about you shove a plumber's snake up my ass? That might be fun."

"Heh-Heh. Still as charming as ever." Lucifer said facetiously as he and Samael entered the room. "Though I must confess, I'm surprised you can keep such a cheerful demeanor, given your circumstances."

"I must confess-blah-blah-blah~" Katie replied mockingly. "Will you cut the bullshit already, you pretentious prick. There's nobody else here. You're not impressing anyone."

"Oh, you don't want me to put on airs? Fine. But before we start, answer me one thing. What the fuck were you thinking? I mean seriously, what was going through your bloated, glorified monkey brain when you decided to put my Daughter's breakup on your stupid news show, after I specifically told you to lay off? Did you really think there wouldn't be any consequences? Did you really think I would just sit back and take it like one of those girls you bullied into suicide in high school?"

"Fuck you! And also, how the shit do you know about that?"

"I know everything about you, Katie Scarlet. It's one of the benefits of being me." The Dark King said condescendingly, before pulling a small manilla folder from seemingly out of nowhere and opening it up to read. "Name: Katherine Scarlet Calhoun. Born in Miami, Florida on May 2, 1954. Half Swedish, Quarter Polish, Quarter Comanche. Not that you'd ever admit to any of that. From middle school all the way through college, you drove twenty people to commit suicide with your relentless bullying, including your home economics teacher and three Hispanic janitors. And you added eleven more to that list during your ten years as a local news anchor, including two priests and the manager of a soup kitchen, all of whom you falsely accused of being either drug dealers or pederasts. And your sex and drug related sins are so numerous they're not even worth mentioning. So just to summarize, you are an absolute piece of shit and it baffles my mind that both my Father and my Daughter think your existence is worth anything."

"Oh, don't act all high and mighty. You're down here too, dipshit. Just because you used to be Daddy's favorite, doesn't mean you're not a total fuck up."

"I'm down here because I'm a dutiful son who tried to spare his Father the pain of having to flush another one of his pet projects down the drain by pulling the plug myself. It's not my fault he didn't appreciate the gesture. And what the shit do you know about anything? You died because of a botched facelift. You have no idea what it's like to serve the Almighty and be a part of something much greater than yourself."

"So the great and powerful Satan is all butthurt because he doesn't get to suck God's dick anymore. Jesus Christ, you're an even bigger loser than your daughter."

"My Daughter might be naïve in many respects, but she's right about one thing. Inside every demon is a fragment of my Father's grace; a rainbow, if you will. And that's the part I'm gonna use to make the rest of your existence a living nightmare."

"What are you gonna do? Sing me a song?"

"You wish, bitch."

And with that, Lucifer raised his right hand, extended his index finger and began to draw a large circle in the air. At first the action seemed pointless, but when he connected the two points together, a circular, mirrorlike screen suddenly materialized. And in that mirror, the image of a man in a business suit sitting on a barstool appeared in relatively high definition.

"What the… is that… Carl?" Katie asked before bursting out in mocking laughter. "My dipshit ex-husband? That's it? That's your insidious plot to torture me? To make me watch that dumbass kill off whatever's left of his liver? I don't give a fuck about that loser. I cheated on him with just about every good looking guy in Miami. You can slit his throat for all I care."

Now it was Lucifer's turn to laugh.

"What's so funny?" the insectoid asked confusedly.

"Oh, nothing. It just never ceases to amuse me how easily you vermin lose track of time." The Dark King said amusedly. "That's not your husband, genius. That's your son."

And just like that, what little color she had drained from Katie's face.

"D-D-Danny?" she said aloud in a voice that was much different than her usual callous bravado; so much softer and full of fear.

"That's right. Little Danny Calhoun, all grown up." Lucifer said condescendingly as he thumbed through Katie's file. "Aw~ Here's a picture of him taking his first steps. Look how proud you are. Oh, and here you are dropping him off on his first day of school. Aw~ He's crying. Aw~ So are you. And here you are kissing his widdle owie after he scrapped his knee. Oh, I'm getting diabetes just looking at it. Hard to believe that such a loathsome, wretched person could also be such a loving and devoted mother. But then you humans have always been so contradictory."

"Please, do whatever you want to me, just don't hurt my baby."

"You're baby?" the Dark King repeated, sounding insulted. "What about my baby? Or better yet, what about all the people you bullied into killing themselves? They were all someone's baby too, you know. Where was this compassion when you were ruining people's lives for fun and profit? Where was it when you told the whole school that Becky Tannen's mom worked in a strip club? Or when you spearheaded that vicious smear campaign against Father Jefferson all for the sake of ratings? Why can you only show genuine love and kindness to your own child?"

"I… I don't know." She answered meekly.

"Exactly. Because people like you are the reason your species is a failure and why trying to reform you worthless, self-serving cockroaches is a waste of time!" Lucifer paused for a moment to calm himself down before he continued. "But let's get back on topic. The last time you saw your son he was only eight years old. Since then, Little Danny's grown up to become a very successful stock broker. Bit of a nerd honestly. Super straight-laced. Except for an obvious weakness for the sauce, which I presume he inherited from his dad. Ordinarily, someone like him would be resistant to my influence, but when he's this drunk and his defenses are down, well… just watch."

And with that, the Dark King stuck his finger into the mirror; making it turn a dark purplish color.

"That's enough for tonight, chief. You've got a busy day tomorrow. Better head home and get some sleep." Lucifer whispered creepily; causing the man on the screen to get up from his stool. "It's all good, baby. You only had five beers. You can make it home on your own. It's only twelve blocks. You can make that with your eyes closed. Hell, why not give it a try?"

"Please! I'll do whatever you want! Just leave Danny alone!"

Upon hearing this, Lucifer removed his finger from the mirror and scowled.

"I only wanted you to do one thing; to leave my Daughter alone. But you didn't! You just kept right on stalking her. And then you took what should've been a private moment and turned it into a fucking media circus! I hope those precious ratings were worth watching Little Danny get his carcass scraped off the road like a flattened armadillo!"

"No! Please! I wasn't even following your daughter! I was following Marceline!"

Now that had caught Lucifer off-guard; especially since she was, or at least believed she was, telling the truth.

"You… were following Marceline?" he repeated confusedly. "Why?"

"I… I've been keeping tabs on her for months. Ever since she first arrived in Hell. I saw her take down the 6th Street Wine-Os like they were nothing, so I thought she might have what it takes to become the next Overlord. So instead of turning in the footage right away, I thought I'd shadow her for a while. You know, document her rise to power. But it turns out she's just a lovesick idiot."

"She was powerful enough to defeat a Pit Lord and his entire gang?" Lucifer asked in disbelief. And rightfully so, hardly any demon's ever been that strong so soon after dying. "What makes you think she'd just arrived?"

"I talked to her and she had no idea who I was. My face is all over town, so even if she'd been living on the streets without a phone, she'd 've at least recognized me."

"I see… and what did you talk about?"

"Nothing much. She just wanted to know where your daughter lived."

"What?"

"I said…."

"I heard what you said, but it makes no sense. How could someone who just died know about my Daughter? No one in the Living World even knows she exists."

"Well somehow she knew. She ever asked for her by name."

Now this was an unexpected development, but it gave the Dark King one hell of an idea.

Quickly, he turned around to his View Screen and saw that the drunken broker was still fumbling around with his keys. So he plunged his finger back into the portal and said,

"Fuck it. Just call an Uber."

And the man immediately pulled out his phone.

With that disaster averted, Lucifer then waved his hand across the screen, causing it to dissipate.

"Why on Earth did you do that?" Samael asked confusedly.

"Because the situation has changed." He replied to his brother before turning back to his captive. "Oh Ms. Killjoy~ I've decided to give your son a stay of execution. How long that lasts depends on you."

"I don't understand."

"To put it simply, Ms. Killjoy, I need dirt. On Marceline. Something that will turn my Daughter's stomach and set her back on the right path. And since you've got the skills and a head start, you're going to help me."

"I am?"

"That's right. Find me something I can use before the next Cleansing and I'll let you and your son off the hook. Fail me, and I'll make Danny Boy slit his own throat. And I'll make you watch. Forever. Do you understand me?"

"Y-Y-Y-Yes Sir."

"Good." The Dark King said maliciously as he placed a hand on Katie's shoulder; grinning from ear to ear. "And now that we've established who's in charge, get to work!"

End Notes:

BOOOM!

Halfway point of the story.

Thanks for reading and I'll see you in the next one.

Peace.