I have no doubt in my mind that this chapter piss some people off, but I'm prepared to take that chance for the sake of my story. With that said, Adventure Time is the property of Cartoon Network and Hazbin Hotel is the creation of Vivienne M. Medrano aka Vivziepop. Enjoy.
Chapter 15: Old Devil Consequence
In the far left corner of Porn Studios' 23rd Floor, there sits a mostly forgotten room jokingly referred to as 'The Morgue'. Despite the grim name, it was little more than just a storage room for used but still usable materials, such as old sets, props, costumes and even outdated video equipment. And it was for the latter of these that our two intrepid 'heroes' had stopped by.
"Found it!" Angel Dust declared triumphantly as he emerged from the dark and dusty room; holding his find aloft like a trophy.
"That's it?" Marceline responded; visibly disillusioned by the size and relatively cheap design of their prize. "We came all this way for some junky old camcorder?"
"Well what were you expecting? One of those billion dollar HD movie cameras? Use your head, toots. We can't just walk out the front door with one of those. They're too big."
"Alright, alright, I see your point. I guess it doesn't matter as long as it works. But why does your boss even have this when he's got all those fancy new cameras?"
"Because in addition to his jillion other sins, Big V's also a major pack rat. Now come on, let's get outta here. I wanna grab a bite on our way home."
And with that, the duo began to make their way back to the elevator.
They were about halfway down the hall that led back to the changing area when a mysterious voice sudden spoke up.
"Gee, I hope that asshole Valentino doesn't catch us stealing from him."
"Don't worry about it, babe." The spider demon said to his companion reassuringly. "I pull shit like this all the time and Big V never notices. Trust me, we're gonna be fine."
"Uh… Angel." Said Marceline nervously.
"What?"
"I didn't say that."
It was at this moment that the duo finally noticed the large shadow looming over them. They quickly spun around and, to their mutual shock and horror, they saw to whom it belonged.
He, for there was no doubt in the Vampire Queen's mind that it was a he, was a tall, thin insect-like demon; at least two or three times her own height. He had dark blue skin and blazing red eyes hidden behind rose colored shades with heart shaped frames. He wore a dark red top hat with a strange looking feather and a matching coat with white fur around the collar. But by far his most striking feature, at least from Marceline's perspective, was his wide, crooked smile; each tooth like a tiny spear made of ivory, except for one which was made of gold.
Based on the intense aura he was giving off and how much Angel was sweating, it was painfully obvious who this must be.
The self-proclaimed Prince of Vice himself.
Valentino.
"Angel Cakes~" the insect man said in a voice both melodious and malevolent.
"Big V! Hey, how's it going?" the spider demon asked, clearly trying to play this off as no big thing. "Listen, I know how this looks, but trust me…"
Valentino help up a single finger, which Angel took as a cue to stop talking.
"Let me see if I understand this." The crimson pimp said, still sounding calm and collected. "I suppose you think disrespecting me is okay for you, Angel Baby? That you can just waltz right in here and take whatever you want, whenever you feel like it?"
"Well, it's a funny story actually…"
But Valentino just raised his finger again, signaling him to shut up.
"I gotta say, Angel. I really underestimated you." He said, still using that unnervingly calm tone. "All this time, I thought you were just a stupid, spoiled little whore. It didn't think, not for one second, that you had the balls, the fucking arrogance, to steal from me. I tell you, it just… it just blows my mind. No joke."
"So… does that mean I'm not in trouble?"
"What do you think, baby?"
"Uh… I think… I think you need some time to cool off. So I'm just gonna leave the camera here and we can discuss this when it's not my day off."
"Mind running that last part by me again?"
"I… I said I'm gonna leave the camera…"
"Not that! The other thing. What do you mean by 'day off'?"
"You know, I get Tuesdays and Thursdays off. It's in my contract."
"It's Friday, dipshit."
"Eh… say what now?"
"I said, it's Friday. As in the day after your day off."
"Oh… shit." Said Angel Dust as he began to sweat even more profusely. "You know what, I think I know what happened. Wednesday night, I had a little too much of the Green Fairy, if you know what I mean, and it must've fucked up my internal clock. Honest mistake really. Heh-Heh-Heh. So, uh… do we have a shoot today?"
"No, but we had one three fucking hours ago!" the insectoid pimp exploded, before forcing himself to calm back down.
"Okay… I can see that you're pissed, and yeah, I might've fucked up on this. But I'm here now, and I'm feelin' horny as ever, so let's just jump right into it and forget the whole thing. Whaddya say, Big V?"
At first, 'Big V' said nothing. He just stared down at the smaller spider demon in annoyed disbelief. But after a few moments he let out a sigh of exasperation and began massaging his temples with his upper right thumb and index finger.
"Angel Cakes, do you know what a deadline is?"
"Yeah, it's…"
"Shut up! That was obviously rhetorical! Sigh. A deadline is a promise, made by me, to the consuming public, that we will have a certain product finished and on the shelves at a specific time. Now, do you know why Porn Studios is the Number 1 supplier of adult entertainment in all of Hell?"
"Was that also rhetorical?"
"Shut up! It's because unlike the rest of those hacks, we have integrity! We do not skimp on image or sound quality. We do not enhance our performers with CG. And we never miss deadlines! That's why I gave your slot to Dalton."
"What!" Angel Dust shouted; momentarily forgetting his fear to express his outrage. "You gave my slot to Dalton? How could you do this to me? He's a hack! A punk! A poser! He can't do half the fucked up shit I can!"
"All true, baby. But at least he knows what a deadline is." Valentino replied casually. "Look, Angel, I like you. You make me laugh and you make me a shit ton of money, but business is business. And I'm not gonna lose any business just because you don't know how to look at a fucking calendar!"
"Well why didn't you just call me?"
"I did. I called you six times. I called the front desk at the Hotel. I even called the Princess' private number. Nobody answered. What the fuck is going on over there?"
Suddenly, Marceline, who had been totally silent up to this point, felt a pang of guilt in her chest. It was possible, however slightly, that some of this was her fault. Charlie's breakup with Vaggie had seriously messed the Demon Princess up, and her own attempts to win her over had kept her so distracted that she probably hadn't been checking her phone.
"So… what? Does this mean I have to move back into the studio?" asked the spider demon fearfully.
"Why? So you can give me a headache every day?" replied the crimson pimp derisively. "Oh, no, no, no, Angel Cakes. You ain't moving back in. I got something else in mind. Oh, this has been building up for a long time, baby. You're showing up late, you're scheduling public appearances without my permission, and now I find out you've been stealing from me too. And since we both know you'd just enjoy a good beating, you've forced me to get creative."
With that said, Valentino reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a blackberry. Then, after a minute or so of tapping the buttons he said,
"There, it's done."
"What did you do?" asked Angel nervously.
"I just cleared your schedule. As of this moment, you're on indefinite, unpaid sabbatical."
"What does that mean?"
"It means that you don't work until I say so. And you'd better break some records getting here when I do. Because if you're late one more time, you're outta here. And I won't just burn your soul contract. I'll force it up your dickhole, and then burn it. You got that, bitch?"
"Yes, Sir." The spider demon replied, sounding uncharacteristically meek.
"Good. Now get the fuck outta my studio." The Overlord said as he prepared to leave, only to pause briefly before adding, "And put that camera back where you found it!"
And then he turned and walked away.
Marceline still stood there in silence; the pangs in her chest growing more intense by the second. Somehow, it just tore her up inside to see Angel Dust standing there, looking so broken and defeated. For all his pettiness and lude behavior, he truly did regard himself as an artist. And now that he'd been denied a chance to perform, as well as a steady paycheck, for who knows how long, his spirit had been crushed.
Well, she wasn't just going to stand there and let him suffer.
No Sir!
She was going to make this right.
To that end, the Vampire Queen flew after Valentino until she was right in front of him.
"Wait! Mr. Valentino!" she shouted as she floated up to his eyelevel.
"Can I help you, baby?"
"Please, it's not all Angel's fault. I... I've been keeping Charlie distracted lately. That's why she didn't answer her phone. That's why he was late."
"Good to know. Now get lost." The crimson pimp answered bluntly before brushing her aside.
"But I just told you it's not all his fault. Come on, give him another chance." Marceline pleaded as she flew back in front of him.
"Bitch, I don't care who's fault it is. That dipshit's been fucking with my money and my street cred for years. And I already gave him a hundred more chances than he deserves. If I don't put my foot down now, the other Overlords 'll think I've gone soft. So unless you're an Overlord, a Fallen Angel, or here for an audition, we've got nothing else to talk about. Now scram!"
And with that, he pushed her aside again.
Not one to be easily deterred, the Vampire Queen gave it one more try.
"Angel is one of your best performers. If you phase him out like this, his fans will riot. You'll lose money."
"I'll take that chance." Valentino said nonchalantly.
"Look! I told you it wasn't his fault! So just forgive him already and quit being such an asshole!" she shouted most passionately.
But alas, this only served to annoy the Overlord even further.
"Look, baby. I was happy to just ignore you, you know, since I'm such a nice guy. But if you don't get outta my face, you're gonna be wearing my ostrich boot up your ass."
"Well I'm not going anywhere! So just give Angel his gigs back or I'll… I'll… I'll make you!"
"Is that right?" Valentino asked, forcing himself not to laugh uncontrollably. "And how you gonna do that?"
"Like this!"
Acting purely on instinct and adrenaline, Marceline summoned every ounce of her shapeshifting abilities to transform herself into a nightmarish demon form that dwarfed even Valentino's impressive stature. Horns like a ram, teeth like a wolf, wings like a bat, eyes like fiery embers, claws that could tear trough steel, and muscles that could barely be contained within the relatively tiny hallway.
Yes, the Vampire Queen was truly a horrific sight.
And yet for some reason, the Overlord still looked unimpressed.
"You're just set on doing this, aren't you?" he asked, sounding almost bored.
"Yes I am!" the monster Marcy roared back in intimidation.
"Alright, have it your way." Valentino replied casually as he began to take off his coat.
And just like that, Marceline knew she'd made a huge mistake.
All of a sudden, she was struck by an immense pressure; one that seemed to have compressed her body to less than half its original size. However, the Vampire Queen soon realized that she hadn't shrunk, but the hallway had grown. All around her, space was warped and distorted; expanding the walls and ceiling well beyond their normal limits in order to accommodate the Overlord's true demon form.
Without his coat and hat to conceal it, Valentino's nude body was on full display. It was a nightmarish amalgamation of at least a hundred insect-like heads with sharp teeth and lolling tongues, and over a dozen multijointed insectoid limbs that ended in long, mantis-like talons, suspended in midair by an enormous pair of snowy white moth wings decorated with blood red hearts.
And as she starred up at this hecatoncheirian horror, a single thought ran through Marceline's head.
'Oh Shit… I might've fucked up on this one.'
XXX
Forty-five minutes later, the side door on Porn Studios' ground floor suddenly flew open and two human sized masses were flung out of it like a couple of garbage bags. One, appropriately enough, landed in a nearby dumpster, while the second collided with the adjacent brick wall and fell to the ground in a groaning heap.
This second mass was, of course, Marceline.
As she laid there, flesh bruised, bones broken and insides bleeding, she pondered how she could have allowed herself to get in such a state. How could she, one of the most powerful and dangerous dark entities in all of Ooo, have been defeated so effortlessly by a mere skin flick hawker?
Just then, she noticed that her sun hat was lying just a few feet in front of her, but when she tried to reach for it, a familiar ostrich boot stomped it into a pile of broken straw. Unsurprisingly, it was Valentino, back in his default form and chuckling maliciously at her suffering. And to add even more insult to injury, he had her beloved bass in his long creepy hands.
As if on a whim, the insectoid Overlord started to strum a slow but jazzy tune on the guitar. And then, believe it or not, he began to sing.
Life's full of consequence~
That old devil consequence~
He takes all the frivols outta fun~
When you got the candle lit~
At both ends, the scandal it~
Creates oughta keep you on the run~
Just when you're weakenin'~
Christ sends the deacon in~
Crash! Now your soul ain't worth an ounce~
Cuz then comes the consequence~
That old devil consequence~
Flings you back with a bounce~
For some reason, the crimson pimp chose to punctuate that last line by kicking the Vampire Queen hard in the stomach.
It's consequences what counts~
With his song completed, Valentino burst out into a fit of raucous laughter, which lasted for several minutes until he apparently got bored and smashed her beloved bass against the ground; shattering the ax blade into a million pieces and then tossing the now useless neck into the dumpster.
"Not bad, huh baby? Heh-Heh. And Alastor thinks he's all that." The Prince of Vice said amusedly. "What? Did you think the Princess was the only one who likes musicals down here? Bitch, I've seen 'Cabin in the Sky' fifty-two times."
Marceline didn't reply. Instead she just glared up at the Overlord's smug, shit-eating grin.
"Oh, I know that look. You're wondering how I whooped your ass so easily. Well, baby, I'm gonna tell you. It's because you ain't in my league. Oh sure, you're stronger than most, I'll give you that. And you might've been the baddest bitch in your own neighborhood, but you're in Hell now. You're in the big leagues. And down here, you ain't nothin' but chum for the sharks. Remember that, and you just might survive."
Just then, Angel Dust regained consciousness and started looking around the alley in a daze.
"Oh, Angel Cakes. I'm sorry, I almost forgot you were there." Valentino said mockingly to the injured spider demon. "Listen, I know this goes without saying, but… you're fired."
"What?"
"You heard me, you're fired. F-I-R-E-D, Canned! You're more trouble than you're worth. And believe me, that's saying a lot."
"But… But we have a contract."
"Not anymore." The Overlord replied, snapping his fingers, which caused an orange aura to wash over Angel for a split second. "There, now you're a free agent, and with only three months 'til the next Cleansing too. Good luck, baby. You're gonna need it."
"But, Sir… Big V, can't we talk about…"
But alas, Valentino cut off his pleading to sing another verse from his song.
So here comes the consequence~
That old devil consequence~
You were warned more than twice~
And now you're paying the price~
SLAM!
And just like that, they were alone in the filthy alley.
Marceline's brain struggled to comprehend everything that had happened, while every cell in her body screamed out in agony, and in the midst of this, Angel Dust had apparently managed to climb out of the dumpster.
"You okay, toots?" he asked, sounding at least marginally concerned.
"Yeah… I think so." Marceline lied to preserve her image. "Listen, I'm really sorry."
"What? About this?" the spider demon asked, gesturing to his bruised and bloody face. "Pfft. This is nothin'. I took worse beatings from my old man when I was twelve. Sorry about your guitar though."
"Never mind that, I can get it fixed later. What about your job?"
"It's fine, I was gonna retire soon anyway. In like… eighty years."
"But what about your protection? The Cleansing's coming soon."
"Don't worry. Big V ain't the only game in town. There's plenty of upper level demons I can sell my soul to. And until then, I've got a backup plan."
"What is it?"
"Charlie."
"What?"
"You heard me. Charlie's half angel, and angels never kill one of their own. It's one of Heaven's oldest rules, even Lucifer's too scared to break it. During the last Cleansing, the Exterminators didn't come within two miles of the Hotel. So as long as Charlie's around, we're all safe."
Oh… that's interesting.
So Charlie acts as a deterrent to keep the angels away during the Cleansing?
But wait, her deadline ends just before the Cleansing starts.
So if Marceline succeeds and convinces Charlie to come back with her to Ooo, then Angel Dust and everyone else in the Hotel will be…
'Oh my God…' the Vampire Queen thought fearfully as the blood drained from her face.
"Eh… you okay?" the spider demon asked confusedly.
"What? Oh, no… I mean yes! Everything's fine." Marceline lied as the icy hand of guilt seized her fragile heart. "Everything's just… fine."
End Notes:
"Life's Full of Consequences" is a song from the 1943 film "Cabin in the Sky", which is owned by MGM studios. I tweaked several of the lyrics so they'd be a bit more appropriate to the situation.
Anyway, thanks for reading and I'll see you in the next one.
Peace.