Before we start, I'd like to give a shoutout to the good people at Ted-Ed and Extra Credits. Their adult educational videos on YouTube were a big help to me while I was doing research for this story; this chapter in particular. Plus their just so damned entertaining. Give them a look if you've ever got the time. With that said, Adventure Time is the property of Cartoon Network and Hazbin Hotel is the creation of Vivienne M. Medrano aka Vivziepop. With that said, Enjoy.

Chapter 16: Ballad of a Fallen Angel

Around the same time that Marceline and Angel Dust were getting their clocks cleaned by Valentino, Vaggie and Niffty were in the midst of one of their 'romance lessons'.

After failing miserably at knitting and arts and crafts, learning that she was allergic to nearly every kind of flower on Earth, and narrowly avoiding another 1950s makeover, Vaggie was, understandably, starting to worry about her chances of winning Charlie back. Thankfully, her teacher, who was optimistic to the point of being certifiable, was not willing to give up so easily. To that end, the little demon decided to instruct her much taller pupil in the fine art of preparing a romantic meal.

The results, however, were… less than satisfactory.

"Okay, let's see…" Niffty said as she went over her checklist in the tiny kitchen of her surprisingly large hotel room. "Your soup was mostly water, your salad had too much dressing and not enough lettuce, your chicken was somehow burnt and frozen, and your red velvet cake… well, the less said about that the better."

"Oh, come on. I must've done something right." Vaggie said, sounding more than slightly annoyed at the whole situation.

"Well… you managed to pour the wine correctly; even though it was the wrong kind to serve with chicken." The smaller demon replied. "Honestly, I'm surprised that someone who eats as much as you doesn't know how to cook."

"Well excuse me for having an eating disorder!" the taller demon spat defensively. "And anyway, I thought you were supposed to be teaching me how to be romantic, not how to be a housewife!"

"HOUSEWIVES ARE ROMANTIC!" Niffty roared furiously, rattling all the pots and pans, before forcing herself to calm back down. "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I don't know what got into me."

"It's fine. I… I'm sorry too." Vaggie replied, feeling ashamed of her own outburst. "I guess I'm just a little stressed out. We've only got three months left and I'm nowhere closer to winning Charlie back."

"It's okay, sweetie." The little one-eyed demon said sympathetically, before a manic smile threatened to split her face in half. "Oh! I know just the thing to cheer you up! Take off your clothes!"

XXX

Eleven minutes later, Vaggie was relaxing in a tub filled with aromatherapeutic bubbles. Needless to say, this was a thousand times better than what she'd thought Niffty was going to do with her, but it was still pretty weird; especially with the little maniac standing close beside her with a loofah.

"Uh… I can clean myself, you know." Vaggie said uncomfortably.

"I know that, sweetie. It's just that your back can be so hard to reach, so I thought I'd give you a hand." Niffty replied innocently.

"That's… uh… very nice of you, Niffty, but I really don't…" she began, only to look into the smaller demon's large, pleading eye and reluctantly cave in. "Sigh… Fine, go ahead."

"Really?"

"Yeah, but keep it above the waist, okay. And don't touch my breasts either."

"Wouldn't dream of it." Niffty said excitedly before getting right to work.

As completely batshit bizarre as this whole situation was, Vaggie had to admit that this did feel somewhat nice. In fact, it was actually quite pleasant. The smaller demon was surprisingly proficient with that loofa. It was almost like getting a massage. All the stress from the last few months just seemed to melt away.

"Oh Golly." Niffty exclaimed softly as she started to work on Vaggie's upper back. "You're carrying an awful lot of tension in these shoulders."

"Can you blame me? I mean, we've only got a few months left before I lose Charlie forever."

"Now don't think like that, dearie. Sure, things haven't gone exactly as planned, but that's no reason to give up. I'm sure we'll find some way you can win Miss Charlie back before the deadline. And by this time next year, you and your widdle poopsiekins will be married and more in love than ever~"

"My what?"

"You know, Miss Charlie. That's your pet name for her in one of the fanfics I wrote about you two."

"Okay, but that's not what I call her. And please stop writing stories about me."

"No. But then what do you call Miss Charlie to let her know how much you love her?"

"Uh… Charlie." Vaggie answered awkwardly. "I mean, sometimes I call her 'Hon', but for the most part, I'm just not into the whole lovey dovey, cutesy pet name thing."

"Oh, I see." Niffty replied, sounding mildly disappointed. "Listen, I know it might seem silly from the outside, but trust me, when you're the one doing it and it's with that one special someone, it's the most magical thing in the world. At least that's how it was with me and my husband."

"Yeah, but didn't you… you know… murder him?"

"Only because he left me no choice. Nobody says my scalloped potatoes need salt! NOBODY!" the little manic said, once again going to the 'bad place', before quickly regaining her composure. "There we go~ Your back's all nice and clean~ Now it's time to wash your hair~"

"I can do that my…" Vaggie began, only to be cut off once again by Niffty's soulful, pleading eye. "Ugh! Fine! But just wash it! No styling!"

"Righty-O~" the smaller demon singsonged, before squirting a dollop of rose scented shampoo into the larger demon's damp hair and working it into a fine lather.

Once again, this was totally weird, but oddly relaxing. Niffty's tiny fingers were like magic.

"Um… Excuse me, Miss Vaggie?" the little demon asked out of the blue.

"Yeah, what is it?"

"There's something I've been meaning to ask you for a while, and since you're in a good mood, now seems like the perfect time."

"Sure, Niffty. What's on your mind?"

"Why did Mr. Lucifer call you his little sister?"

And just like that, things were awkward again.

"Oh… you, uh… you heard that, did you?"

"Well, it was kinda hard not to with the way he was screaming at you. I was gonna ask about it back then, but you seemed really upset so I didn't say anything."

"Well… thank you for that."

"You're welcome. But anyway, it just seems like a really weird thing for a person to call his daughter's girlfriend. Especially if that person is the Devil, you know, since his only brothers and sisters are all angels. And you're not an angel… are you?"

Vaggie felt a bit of unease well up in her stomach. On the one hand, this was kind of a personal matter; not something one usually discusses with, for lack of a better word, the Help. But on the other hand, it wasn't like it was a huge secret or anything. Lots of demons already knew, and Niffty was helping her out for free, so…

"Sigh. Yes, Niffty, I'm an angel." She replied in the least threatening tone she could manage. "But you don't need to be afraid of me. I'm not like the others."

"Oh, I'm not afraid of you, Ms. Vaggie. I was just surprised. Well, not all that surprised. I mean, I've suspected it for a while now. It's just… you don't really advertise it like the others do and I find that really weird. No offense."

"None taken. I just… Well, it's not like it's a big secret or anything. Most of the upper level demons already know. Lucifer used to love introducing me at parties as his 'favorite sister'. I just kinda… downplay it with the lesser beings. No offense."

"None taken. But why? If more demons knew what you were, they'd probably be too scared to be mean to Ms. Charlie. And you could've strong-armed a lot more demons into checking into the hotel."

"I know… but that's something Lucifer would do. I don't wanna force demons to listen to Charlie. I want her to earn their resect so they'll want to listen. I want her dreams to come true because of her. Not because everyone's afraid of me."

"I think I understand." Niffty said sweetly, before changing the subject. "But still, it must be pretty awkward, dating someone you watched grow up since she was a baby."

"Oh, I wasn't around for any of that."

"Really? I thought all Fallen Angels lived in the Royal Palace together?"

"We do, but… I'm not one of the originals. I've only been down here about… four years."

"Oh Golly… well, what happened? I mean, if it's not rude for me to ask, what did you do to get banished?"

"It's kind of a long story."

"Well, the shampoo needs to sit for a few minutes, so you might as well tell me."

"Sigh. Fair enough." She said, realizing that it was already too late to turn back. "You're kinda low on the totem pole down here, so you probably don't know this, but… not all angels are born that way. Some of them, like me, used to be human."

"Oh golly…" Niffty replied in hushed disbelief. "I just… I had no idea things like that could happen."

"Well, it doesn't happen very often. Before me, only nine people in all of human history had even been chosen. And none of us know why we were chosen. I mean, we weren't exactly the most virtuous people when we were alive; at least not all of us. But when God says you're worthy, it's kinda pointless to argue."

"Wowzers… so who else was chosen?"

"Well… the first was Enheduahna, she was from Mesopotamia. Then there was Nuada Silver-Hand, Siddartha Gautama, Hypatia, Vainamoinen, Ibn Battuta, Jigonhsasee, Federico da Montefeltro, Ned Kelly, and then me."

"Oh… I have no idea who any of those people are."

"I figured, but it's okay. This isn't their story, it's mine." Vaggie said good-naturedly, before moving on. "Anyway, when I was still human my name was Vivienne Guevara and I lived in the city of San Miguel in El Salvador. My family owned a small bookstore on the upper-westside of town. We never had that much money, but we got by. My father was a devout Christian, or at least he thought he was. He was the kind of guy who would go out drinking until six in the morning but still acted like he was better than most people just because he never missed Sunday Mass. You know the type."

Niffty said nothing, but nodded in agreement.

"Anyway, since I wasn't the son he always wanted, my dad barely paid any attention to me. Which suited me just fine, since it allowed me to explore my sexuality without worrying what he would think. And that's pretty much how it was until around my 19th birthday. Around that time, some rich guy, Ernesto… something or other, started hanging around the store almost every day. He owned some big textile company on the other side of town and for some reason he took a liking to me. I mean sure, I was nice to him, but I guess he mistook that for something else, because one day he asked me to marry him."

"Oh my…. What did you do?"

"Well… when I explained to Ernesto why we couldn't be together, he took it surprisingly well. But my father… he completely flipped his shit. He started screaming about how I'd 'disgraced the family' and 'offended God', but really I think he was just pissed because he wasn't gonna get to sponge off Ernesto's millions. So he threw me out, Mom said nothing, and from then on I was on my own. Typical story."

"You poor thing… then what happened?"

"Well, you probably don't know this, but street gangs are a big problem in El Salvador; especially the ones with connections to drug cartels and human traffickers. So, and don't ask me how, I joined up with this paramilitary vigilante group; mostly rogue cops and other outraged citizens. Our goal was to wipe out the gangs so that San Miguel would be a safe place to live again. Everyone else believed that our actions were justified, but I knew better. Murder is murder, no matter what the reason."

"Then why did you stay?"

"I had nowhere else to go. I couldn't go to any of my friends without outing them to their parents. And besides, I figured if God was as closedminded as my dad then I was going to Hell anyway. So why not do a little good before I get there? You can imagine my surprise when I took a bullet to the face one day and suddenly woke up in Heaven."

"Jeepers… what was it like?"

"It's… hard to explain. The more I stay down here, the more fuzzy my memories of it get. But I remember being so happy while I was up there. I had a new family. Thousands of brothers and sisters, and a Father who loved me for who I was. It was so wonderful. And yet… somehow it always felt like something was missing. I talked to some of the other angels about it and they figured that I just needed something to help me feel useful. So they made me an Exterminator."

"You were an Exterminator?"

"For a little bit, yes. During my first Cleansing my helmet fell off for some reason and I could suddenly see and hear everything around me. There was so much chaos and confusion that at first I couldn't handle the overload, so I flew up high to clear my head. That's when I heard someone singing."

"Singing? You mean…"

"That's right. It was Charlie. Up in the Palace's Butterfly Garden. Crying her eyes out and singing dirges for all the demons being erased. Obviously, I'd been told who she was, but I had no idea what to expect, so I approached cautiously. Our first meeting was… awkward, but once I convinced her that I wasn't a threat things got better. We started talking, I'm not sure for how long, felt like hours, but before I knew it we were being summoned back to Heaven and I had to say goodbye. But even when I was back in Paradise, all I could think about was her."

"So what did you do?"

"At first I tried to forget her and just enjoy being in Heaven with my new family, but it didn't work. There was no one else like her in Heaven or anywhere else, so I started sneaking down to see her, every chance I could. But eventually I got caught."

"Oh dear, what happened?"

"I was brought before God to explain myself. And when I told him how I felt about Charlie he understood, but he said I had to make a choice. I could either stay in Heaven and have my memories of Charlie erased, or I could leave forever to be with her. I guess it's pretty obvious which one I chose."

This time Niffty didn't say anything. She just stared at Vaggie with wide-eyed disbelief.

"What?"

"You… you gave up Heaven… just to be with Miss Charlie?"

"That's right. And I know it sounds insane, but despite everything that's happened I have no regrets. I spent my whole life as a cynic, and even when I made it to Heaven it always felt like something was missing. Well, Charlie was that something. With her warmth and energy, she was like the missing half of my soul. And even if some of her ideas are a little out there, when I'm with her… I don't know, she makes me want to believe in them. That things really can get better. So I guess I don't miss Heaven because… for me, being with Charlie is Heaven."

Yet again, the smaller demon said nothing, but her large, single eye started to tear up.

"What?"

"Sniff. Sniff. That was beautiful."

"What was?"

"That monologue, you silly goose. It was so sweet and moving. It was almost like a love poem."

Just then, Niffty's eyes went dry and her mouth stretched into an impossibly wide grin.

"O-M-Golly! That's it!"

"What's it?"

"That's how you'll win Miss Charlie back! You're going to write her a love poem!"

"Love poem? But I don't know how to do that."

"Then what was all that stuff you said before?"

"I wasn't trying to be poetic, I was just… saying how I feel."

"Exactly! You have a naturally gift for words! And if you can learn how to express yourself like that in front of Miss Charlie, then I'm sure she'd take you back."

"You really think so?"

"I know so! You just need a little polishing up, and I'm just the gal to help."

"Well… okay. Why not? Let's give it a shot."

And with that, Niffty let out a high-pitched squeal of delight and wrapped Vaggie's head in one of her inescapable hugs.

"Stop touching my face!" the fallen angel said annoyedly.

To which the smaller demon plainly replied,

"No."

End Notes:

So far, this was one of my favorite chapters to write. I hope you all enjoyed it.

Anyway, thanks for reading and I'll see you in the next one.

Peace.