Sorry this chapter is late. Been busy with work and other stuff. Anyway, Adventure Time is the property of Cartoon Network and Hazbin Hotel is the creation of Vivienne M. Medrano aka Vivziepop. Blah. Blah. Blah. You know the drill. Enjoy.

Chapter 17: Detective Katie takes the Case

Journal Entry: 2814

Another failure.

After usual sources for gossip turned up jack shit, tried new approach.

Remembered conversation between Marceline and the Princess, referenced mother in the indy music scene. Decided to call on Raphael. Overlord. Big into all kinds of music. Especially unknown artists. Thought he might know something.

Spoiler Alert.

He didn't know shit either.

Stupid parrot faggot.

Running out of time.

Only three months left.

Need new-new approach.

First encountered Marceline in 6th Street Wine-O territory.

They might know something.

XXX

The lair of the infamous 6th Street Wine-Os was, as one might expect, totally disgusting. Garbage on the floor, dust everywhere, rusty chains hanging from the ceiling for no apparent reason; it was like one of those old abandoned warehouses that homeless people like to squat in.

Actually, now that she thought about it, that's exactly what it was.

Anyway, it was about eleven past noon, and the majority of the gang was still passed out from the previous night's bender, but fortunately their fearless leader, Bacchus von Brute, had managed to rouse himself back to consciousness upon smelling the sweat off Katie's naughty bits a block away.

And even more fortunately, it turned out that he was a fan.

"Yeah, I remember that little cunt." The hyena-swine said in a low, throaty voice while sitting upon a throne made from old wooden crates. "Kinda hard to forget someone who rips your spine out through your nose."

"I can imagine." Katie replied, feigning politeness as she forced herself not gag on his stench. "So tell me, Mr. Brute. How did she find her way into your territory? Did she take a wrong turn or was she looking for trouble?"

"Ah-Ah-Ah, cutie pie. Nothing's free down here. That information's gonna cost yah."

"I already gave you an autograph."

"That was just an entrance free. A little something to keep me from waking up the boys and letting them go to town on your sweet, spankable ass. But real info is gonna cost you big time. Cuz I got me a powerful hangover, and I think we both know there's only one surefire cure for that."

"Yeah… not gonna happen. There's not enough soap or penicillin in the world." Katie replied flatly, throwing out her reporter's decorum. "So here's my counteroffer. You're gonna tell me everything you know for free, and then I'm gonna leave and try to forget that you made a pass at me."

"And why would I agree to that?" Bacchus asked amusedly.

"Because I'm under direct orders from Lucifer, and if I can't get him the intel he needs before my deadline, I'm gonna tell him it was because you refused to cooperate."

Suddenly the hyena-swine's face went sickly pale.

"Uh… right… as… as I recall, she just kinda showed up there." He said nervously, much to Katie's delight. "Just stepped right through a portal in the middle of the alley?"

"A Portal?" the insectoid demon repeated confusedly. "That's unusual."

"I know right. Usually new arrivals just fall from the sky. But I didn't think much of it at the time. Figured the ruling class was just trying something new. Anyway, that's all I remember before getting my guts ripped out."

"Okay, thank you, Mr. Brute. That was very… helpful."

"No problem, babe. And just remember, my offer still stands if you ever change your mind."

XXX

Journal Entry: 2815

Speaking with Bacchus left bad taste in mouth.

Will need at least ten showers before I can even think about having sex again.

But at least it wasn't a total loss. Finally have some information about Marceline.

Not sure if it's useful though. Bacchus' account of the incident is sketchy at best. Also, he is well known lush. Could've imagined or misremembered the whole thing. Need someone to verify story.

Only other witnesses equally unreliable. Need visual record of this so-called 'Portal'. Only one demon I know might have one.

Must catch him in good mood.

Must wait 'til breakfast.

XXX

They're Crispy and Elicious Day~

For Breakfast or for Acking Snay~

Made with real Fruit Avor Flay~

Orange, Cherry, Lemon, Yay!

Oot Fray Oops Lay~

With his 'charming' little ditty completed, Vox, also known as the TV Demon, returned to the kitchen table with a box of the aforementioned cereal and a carton of milk.

"AH-HA-HA! Don't you just love that old tune?" he asked as he sat down at the table and proceeded to pour the sugar spangled oat loops into a bowl. "So much better than all that 'Follow Your Nose' shit. No Ma'am, the old song was a real Earworm. Guaranteed to rattle around in your skull until you either bought the damn things or blew your brains out. Ah… they just don't write 'em like that anymore."

"Er… right." Katie said, doing her best to sound polite. "Listen, Voxxie, this isn't a social call. I…"

"Say no more." The TV Demon interrupted, still apparently in a very good mood. "I know you came here looking for an apology."

"What? No, I…"

"Now, now, my little katydid, there's no need to take it personally. Honestly, I thought what you did was really funny. But… when the Ruler of Hell suddenly shows up at your door and demands a soul contract, well… you just can't say no."

"Look, I don't care that you sold me out to Lucifer. I would've done the same thing." Katie admitted bluntly. "I'm just here because I need some information."

"Oh… What sort of information?"

"King Dickhead needs dirt on Marceline, the little bat demon trying to put the moves on his daughter. And since you have hidden cameras stashed all over Hell, I figured maybe you could help."

"I'd love to, doll, but as far as I can tell, this Marceline character spends almost all her time at the Happy Hotel, and Lucifer made me take all the bugs out of there months ago."

"I just need footage of her arriving in Hell. It would've been a little over three months ago, somewhere on 6th Street near where the Wine-Os do their shakedowns."

"Hmm… Fuck You Alley…" Vox said as he mused for a moment, stroking his nonexistent chin. "Let me check my files."

Suddenly, Vox's face turned into a screensaver; one of those really old ones with the never ending pipes. He remained like this for several minutes, until finally returning with an extra wide grin on his face.

"BINGO~" the TV Demon said ecstatically. "I think I found what you're looking for."

"You did?"

"Oh my, yes. And it's some pretty freaky shit too."

"Well, what is it?"

"Ah-Ah-Ah~ Not so fast, my little katydid. For intel this juicy, you're gonna have to earn it."

"Ugh. Fine." Katie acquiesced, realizing that at the very least Vox was of higher status and practiced much better hygiene than the likes of Bacchus. "But no butt stuff, okay."

"Oh, no, no, no. Nothing like that. I just want you to stay and have breakfast with me." He said, snapping his fingers to make a second bowl appear in front of her. "And I expect you to participate fully."

Upon realizing what the TV Demon meant my 'participate', the ex-reporter cringed in disgust.

"You can't be serious."

"It's either that or I delete the footage. Your choice."

'Do it for Danny. Do it for Danny.' She told herself as she grabbed the box of Froot Loops and poured it into her bowl. "Fine."

And with that, she let out a deep sigh and gave the Overlord what he wanted.

Sparkling with Ugar Shay~

They Ell Smay So Elicious Day~

XXX

Journal Entry: 2816

It took three bowls of cereal and 800 verses of that stupid jingle, but Vox finally gave me what I wanted. Footage confirms Bacchus' story. Marceline arrived in Hell through swirling vortex of golden light.

Very weird, but still no idea what it means. Must consult expert.

Only two names come to mind.

Stolas, Prince of Owls, is collector of rare books and hoarder of forbidden knowledge.

Fredrick von Eldritch, Grand Duke of Fomorians, as leader of God's first Chosen People, is privy to many secrets not shared with humanity.

One of them might know something.

Better ask both.

Wait for Tuesday, when both are in same place.

XXX

In the months leading up to the annual Cleansing, many Demons like to double down on their indulgence and debauchery, since you never know when it will be your turn to be erased from existence. And while Overlords and Goetic Demons were usually exempt from the massacre, they were not immune like the Fallen Angels were, so they like to pack in as much fun while they can as well; you know, just in case.

It is for this reason that, once a year, the upper echelons of Hell gather together in one place for the Feast of Earthly Delights; a wild, drunken orgy the likes of which have not been seen on Earth since the days of old Caligula. And while lower level demons were usually barred from entering, certain exceptions could be made. Like, for example, if you were on official business for Lucifer himself.

Anyway, upon finding her two targets in the midst of rehydrating themselves, Katie politely but sternly explained her situation, and more importantly who she was working for, and the infernal aristocrats graciously agreed to have a look at the footage; in the privacy of a different room, for obvious reasons.

"Hmm…" went Stolas as he replayed the video for what felt like the billionth time. "This doesn't appear to be an ordinary portal. Normally, when one opens a doorway between Hell and Earth, it's surrounded by a ring of fire. But this one is completely different. If I had to guess, I'd say it was the work of a jinn."

"What? Let me see that." Fredrick said, sounding almost annoyed by his colleague's hypothesis, before snatching the phone away from him. "Oh, go have your eyes checked, you old buzzard! A jinn's portal is surrounded by plumes of smoke. Does that look like smoke to you?"

"Huh… well, now that you mention it, I suppose it doesn't, but you know… the picture quality isn't that good and I was looking at it from a weird angle."

"Yeah right. Just admit it, you need glasses."

"NO I DON'T!"

"Gentlemen, please!" Katie said, trying very hard not to show how desperate she was. "Can we stay on topic?"

"Terribly sorry, darling." The Head Fomorian said politely. "Anyway, from the looks of that golden radiance, I'd say this is the work of that insufferable prick, Algernon."

"Alger-who?"

"Algernon. Also known as the Wish Master. He's an ancient and powerful entity who dwells at the center of the multiverse. Any being, from any timeline, who stands before him will be granted one wish, but it usually comes with some kind of ironic twist. I've faced him before. He's the worst."

"HA!" Stolas jumped in suddenly. "Now who needs glasses?"

"And what's that supposed to mean?"

"Algernon's portals always spin clockwise, but look here. This one is spinning counterclockwise. So it can't be one of his."

"What? That's ridicu… well I'll be damned. You're right."

"What was that? I didn't quite hear you?"

"Don't push it."

"Uh… hello, ignorant mortal here." Katie jumped in, feeling like a third wheel. "What does any of that mean?"

"It means, that this Marceline person, whoever she is, didn't come to Hell in the usual way. She was sent here of her own volition by someone or something extremely powerful." Fredrick explained.

"So she came to Hell willingly?" the insectoid reporter asked confusedly. "Why?"

"That we cannot say." Stolas replied. "To find that out, you'll have to ask someone else. And there's only one demon I can think of who might have an answer. And unfortunately for you, she thinks she's too good for any of our parties."

"Who?"

"Who do you think, Darling?" the Head Fomorian asked with a sinister smirk. "Good ol' Rosie."

XXX

Journal Entry Whatever

This case just keeps getting weirder.

Portals? Multiverse? Wish Master? It's all Greek to me.

All I understand is that Marceline came to Hell of her own freewill, and to find out why I am forced to negotiate with a psychotic.

Do it for Danny. Do it for Danny. Do it for Danny. Do it for Danny.

XXX

In Hell, there is one simple rule that all intelligent demons follow if they want to survive.

Never speak your dreams aloud, you never know who's listening.

Well, 9 times out of 10, the 'who' is Rosie, and trust me, she's the last person you want listening.

For Rosie, my dear readers, fancies herself a fairy godmother, who can and will do anything to make your dreams a reality, but at a terrible cost. Even a few of the other Overlords were terrified of her demented parlor games, but to save her son from Lucifer's wrath, Katie was willing to risk it all.

"So Sugar, what can ol' Rosie do for you?" the pale woman asked in an ethereal southern drawl.

"Well, Ma'am, I… I need some information about a certain demon." The insectoid reporter answered nervously as the Overlord circled her like a shark.

"Ah yes, that would be Marceline, right? That cute little bat demon making googly eyes at the Princess?"

"Yeah, but… h-how did you…"

"Oh, ol' Rosie knows about lots of things. All the dreams and desires of every demon in Hell are written down in her ledger." She explained as she pulled a small, leather-bound book from out of nowhere. "Very useful in her line of work. Also makes for a good bedtime story. Would you like Rosie to tell you one?"

"Any information you can give will be useful, and… and my employer will be very grateful for your cooperation."

"Rosie's sure he will, but let's not talk about him right now. Let's talk about you." The pale woman said as she finally ceased her circling and stood before the much smaller demon. "Rosie knows about your dreams too, Katie Scarlett. And she's willing to let you have what you want. For a price."

"Yeah… gulp I know the routine. Just tell me what you want."

"All Rosie wants is to know how far you're willing to go to save your baby boy. Tell her, have you ever read 'The Merchant of Venice'?"

"Well, not like word for word, but…"

Suddenly, a small table appeared in the space between them; on which sat a bronze balance scale with a one pound weight on one side and a long rusty dagger on the other.

"You… you can't be serious." Katie said as the blood drained from her face.

"Just how much do you love your son?" Rosie asked with a toothy smirk.

To which the reporter's only reply was another terrified gulp.

XXX

The walls of the Royal Palace echoed with Lucifer's laughter as he reviewed the intel he'd just been given. He had hoped that enlisting Killjoy's help would turn up something scandalous, like maybe Marceline had stomped a puppy to death or something, but this, this was better than he ever could have dreamed.

"Heh-Heh-Heh. Well done, Katie Scarlett, well done." The Prince of Darkness said amusedly as he leaned back into his favorite desk chair; his faithful brother Samael standing close beside him. "You really are something else, you know that? I don't think anyone else in all of Hell could've gotten me this intel."

"Yeah, whatever." Katie replied bitterly as she clutched the still gaping wound in her side. "So… are we square?"

"Yes, yes, you and your son are off my shit list. So long as you stay away from my daughter, but listen, you've got a real talent for this line of work and I could always use a new spook. How would you like it if I bought your soul? No other demon could touch you and you'd be safe when my brothers come for the next Cleansing. What do you say?"

But Katie did not accept Lucifer's generous offer. Instead she just glared at him and said,

"Fuck you."

And then she stood up and limped out of the room without saying another word.

Once he was sure she was out of earshot, the King of Hell started laughing again.

"Sammy, I think I'm coming down with something." He said amusedly.

"Why is that?" Samael asked, maintaining his usual monotone.

"Because I'm starting to like her. Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh."

"You give her too much credit. You and I could have easily forced Rosie to give up this information."

"Yeah, but we didn't. We didn't even think to ask. And besides, how many people can you name who'd cut off a pound of their own flesh just to save a child they haven't seen for almost thirty years? Heh-Heh. Humans are such fascinating creatures."

"I thought you hated humans?"

"As a species yes, but over the years a fair few have managed to earn my respect. Lilith, of course, and our half-brother the Carpenter, and a few others, like that guy who played Mr. Miyagi. What was his name again?"

"I don't know, Brother. But perhaps we should focus on the task at hand."

"Right, right. Marceline. So… that little vampire bitch thinks she can just waltz right on into my universe and take my precious Pumpkin away from me? Well, she's got another thing coming."

"Agreed, Brother. So how shall we handle this? Trick her into revealing her true origin so she'll be forced out of our realm forever?"

"Oh, ye of little imagination. No, I've got something much more interesting in mind. Bring me my rolodex."

"At once, Brother."

And with that, Samael left the room to retrieve the desired organizer.

Once he was alone, Lucifer took a moment to look at the photo of Marceline that Rosie had tastefully pasted to the page.

"Oh~ You poor, sweet, heartbroken thing." He said mockingly as his mouth twisted into a cruel smirk. "You are in for such a mindfuck."

End Notes:

1) Just to clarify, the rules state that Marceline is only disqualified if she herself verbally or nonverbally reveals to someone that she is from another universe. It doesn't count if someone else figures it out on their own.

2) Yes, that really is the original Froot Loops jingle from the 1950s, and both it and the aforementioned cereal are owned by Kellogg's.

With that said, thanks for reading and I'll see you in the next one.

Peace.