Only three chapters left and then I'm throwing myself back into Yin-Yang. Anyway, Adventure Time is the property of Cartoon Network and Hazbin Hotel is the creation of Vivienne M. Medrano aka Vivziepop. Yadda. Yadda. Yadda. Enjoy.

Chapter 23: The Scream of Uranus

Deep within the imposing and luminescent walls of Lucifer's infamous Palace of Light, the Queen of Hell, the lovely and equally infamous Lilith of Eden, was sitting in her favorite chair in a secluded parlor, quietly reading a trashy romance novel she'd confiscated from one of the chambermaids.

All was right with the world.

Until…

"Guess who~" a familiar voice singsonged as a pair of hands obstructed her view.

"Go away." She replied flatly; in no mood for her husband's foolishness.

"Oh come on. Don't I at least get an A for effort?" Lucifer asked; half joking, half whining.

But again, Lilith was in no mood for such nonsense, so instead of answering, she just passively shooed his hands away and went back to her reading.

"Now see here, enough is enough." The King of Hell said childishly. "Lilith, for Heaven's sake we're married, we live in the same house, you can't stay mad at me forever."

"Sure I can, it's one of the perks of being immortal."

"But Darling, please, I'm an Angel. I need your love to sustain me in this putrid shit heap. Without it my body and soul will start to rot."

"Now you're just blowing smoke."

"Okay, so I exaggerate, but I still can't live without your love. Come on, give me something. A peck on the cheek. A little baby talk. A wink. Anything to let me know you still care. What do you say?"

"Fuck off."

"But Lilith…"

"Don't you 'But Lilith' me!" the Succubus spat venomously. "You let our daughter go down there to live with the scum of humanity! You let that horrible woman humiliate her on live television! You let her go into business with the Radio Demon! And now because of you, my precious baby could be married to a street performer!"

"Darling, I promise that will never happen. I have a plan in motion that will…"

"To Hell with you and your stupid plans! It's because of them that our daughter is throwing away her future! Ugh! I don't even know why I bother. Just get out of my sight!"

"But Precious…"

"I said get out! And don't come back without Charlie!"

And that probably would have been the end of it, had the door on the far side of the room not suddenly been blown straight into the opposite wall by an enormous stream of fire. When the blaze finally died down, all that remained of the door was a pile of ash. Seconds later, a bloodcurdling roar echoed down the hall.

"DAAAADDDDY!"

Suddenly, a tall, thin, skeletal creature emerged from the open archway. A horrifying abomination with long boney talons, leathery bat wings, horns like an antelope, teeth like a shark and eyes the color of blood. The sight of which made Lilith's heart swell with joy.

"Charlie, my baby!" the Queen squealed with elation. "You're home at last!"

"Wow, that was quick." Her husband muttered confusedly, but she paid him no mind.

Instead she rushed over to embrace her beloved daughter in an escapable hug, but alas the younger demon had other plans. She pushed past her mother and flew straight for her father; easily towering over him by at least two feet. She opened her extra wide mouth to let out a deafening roar, however neither of her parents were intimidated.

"Is something the matter, Sweetheart?" Lilith asked concernedly.

"Yes, Pumpkin, what has you so upset?" Lucifer asked innocently.

"YOU BASTARD!" the Monster-Charlie roared furiously. "YOU LYING, SELFISH, MATCHMAKING MOTHERFUCKER!"

"Inside voices, please." The King of Hell said, calm yet sternly.

The Demon Princess rolled her eyes, but complied. Within seconds she shrank down to her standard adorable form; all the while fixing her father with the most venomous glare she could muster.

"Much better." Lucifer said casually. "Now then, Pumpkin, what seems to be the trouble?"

"You tricked my girlfriend into marrying someone else!" Charlie snapped at him while pointing an accusatory finger.

Needless to say, Lilith was at a loss for words; both because of the accusation and because of the ferocity with which it was delivered. The Queen was about to chime in to try and get some answers, when a familiar pair of figures came through the door behind her. It was her supposedly future daughter-in-law Vaggie and the bat demon Marceline who had been the cause of all their recent troubles. Unsurprisingly, the two of them still had their respective wings out; which made sense, since they were on the top floor of tower and likely had to fly to get there. But what was a surprise, at least from her perspective, was the fact that they were holding hands.

Something very strange was going on here.

"Darling, I'm sorry you're upset, but I swear, I don't know what you're talking about." Lucifer said casually.

"Don't give me that crap!" Charlie spat back furiously. "Your little toady already told us the whole story! Your deal with Katie Killjoy. The Dark Wedding. Everything."

"That little weasel!" the Dark King exploded suddenly. "I'll have his teeth for a necklace for this! Uh… I mean, what are you talking about?"

Despite the 'sincerity' in his toothy grin, it was clear to everyone, especially Lilith, that Lucifer was lying through his teeth; and quite poorly at that.

"What did you do?" the Queen asked; crossing her arms disapprovingly.

"Uh… nothing." Her husband answered; starting to sweat a little.

"You wanna know what he did? I'll tell you what he did!" her daughter said caustically. "Your husband tricked my girlfriend into having sex with another woman. Then he paid someone to perform a Dark Wedding Ritual to make them fall in love. All so he could blackmail me into giving up the Hotel!"

"What! Blackmail!" the Dark King shouted, sounding deeply offended by the accusation. "Is that what that little twerp told you? That son of a bitch. What does he think I am, some common thug?"

"You are not allowed to have hurt feelings right now, Daddy!" Charlie exploded. "Now you undo it before I really lose my temper!"

"Undo what?"

"Don't play dumb! Alastor said you'd know how to nullify the Wedding, so just do it so Vaggie will love me again!"

"Alastor? How the fuck does he know anything about this?"

"Because you hired him!"

"No I didn't!"

"Both of you, stop yelling!" Lilith shouted in exasperation, before turning her attention directly on her husband. "Now you start explaining."

"Sigh. Okay. Okay. I admit it. I set Vaggie up so she'd end up in a Dark Wedding with Marceline. But I didn't do it for something as bland as blackmail. And I definitely didn't enlist the help of that pinstriped screwball."

"You… You didn't?" Charlie asked confusedly.

"Of course not. As if I would ever trust something this important to that sicko. I just bribed one of your guests. The annoying one. What was his name again? Binky? Blinko?"

"Blitz?" the Demon Princess corrected him; if only out of pure shock. "He's responsible for all this?"

"Yeah, turns out he had himself ordained as a Satanic Priest a few years back. I still had one of his old business cards, so I called him up and offered to make all his legal problems go away if he did this one little thing for me. Son of a bitch didn't hesitate for a second."

"But… then why did Alastor say he was the one who did it?"

"I don't know. Why does that freak do anything he does?"

"Ugh! Okay, fine! But if you weren't trying to blackmail me, then what the fuck was all this for?"

"Yes, Darling, I'm quite curious about that myself." The Queen said, still glaring daggers at him.

Apparently sensing that he was cornered, Lucifer let out a frustrated groan and relented.

"Fine, you wanna know the truth, I'll tell you. The point of this little endeavor was to make you think you'd driven Vaggie into Marceline's arms yourself. Yes, I orchestrated things so they'd end up trapped in a Dark Wedding, but none of you were supposed to know that. They were supposed to think they'd fallen in love by themselves, and you were supposed to think you'd pushed them together with your selfishness and neglect. The point was to break your heart."

"You're saying that like it's better! How is that better?"

"It's better, Pumpkin, because in my version you're mad at them instead of me. It's better because you would've finally grown the fuck up. It's better because you would've learned how it feels to drive away the person you love most and live for eternity knowing there's nothing you can ever do to fix it! It's better because then you'd finally know what it feels like to be me!"

The walls rattled at the sound of Lucifer's mighty roar. So much so that the King of Hell had to pause for a moment to compose himself before he continued.

"But… I suppose we don't always get what we want. Or deserve. Such is life."

"Such is life? Such is life!" Charlie screamed at the top of her voice. "You tried to destroy my relationship with the most wonderful person I've ever met and all you can say is 'such is life'? How can you be so callous?"

"I'm callous? I'm callous? I'm not the one who kicked my one true love to curb for speaking her mind. I mean come on! Do you have any idea what a rare and precious commodity true love is? Hell, If you're lucky enough to find even a tiny scrap of it in this putrid, stinking universe you need to hold onto it as tightly as you can, otherwise it'll slip right through your fingers. But did you hold onto it? Did you appreciate it? No. You took it for granted. Just like you do everything else."

"Whatever, Daddy!" the Demon Princess spat venomously. "But your plan didn't work, so just annul the wedding and we'll get out of your hair!"

"Ooo… so sorry, Pumpkin, but it's not that simple." Lucifer replied; his tone snide but sincere. "I don't know how Alastor found out about my scheme, or why he chose to stick his nose into it, but it appears he intends to screw us both. You see, there is no way to annul the wedding. Once two souls have been bonded, there's no way to break them apart; not without erasing them from existence."

"You mean…"

"That's right, sweetheart. I hate to say it, but it looks like we both lose this one."

"No…" the Demon Princess said as her emotions seemed to finally overwhelm her; causing her to fall to her knees in tears.

Naturally, this provoked a response from Vaggie. The Fallen Angel snarled animalistically and tried to lunge at the smirking King, only to be held back by her new bride.

"Ah, Kiddo, there you are." Lucifer said elatedly upon finally noticing her. "Sorry for not addressing you earlier, but you know how distracting family can be. And speaking of which, this must be your lovely new bride. A pleasure to finally meet you, my dear."

"Fuck off!" Marceline shouted, before putting herself in front of Vaggie like a human shield.

"My, my, such hostility." The Dark King said amusedly. "I don't know what you two are so upset about. After all, I did you both a tremendous favor."

"A favor?" Vaggie spoke up angrily. "How can you call any of this a favor?"

"Oh don't act so innocent, Kiddo. Sure, I can tempt and manipulate, but at the end of the day I can't make anyone do anything they don't want to. You chose to have sex with Marceline because deep down you weren't satisfied in your relationship with Charlie. You want to be with someone who is as devoted to you as you are to them, and you know that Charlie will always put the simpering, ungrateful wretches of Hell before the people who truly love her. Admit it, a part of you is relieved to finally be free of your feelings for her."

Vaggie admitted nothing, but her somber expression said a thousand words.

"That's what I thought." Lucifer said smugly. "Oh, but don't feel sad. Think of this as a reward for all your years of faithful service. Finally you'll be with someone who will truly appreciate you. And besides, it's not like you'll have to move out right away. You've plenty of time to set your affairs in order."

Again, the two of them said nothing, but their faces told him everything.

"Oh my." The Dark King said with cruel amusement. "She knows doesn't she? You told her the truth?"

"We had no choice." Marceline admitted shamefully. "Alastor told her most of it. He pretty much backed us into a corner."

"I see." He replied, pausing briefly to chuckle to himself. "And people think I'm the height of cruelty. I was willing to let this thing be a slow burn. Let you kids run out the clock until the next Cleansing. But old Alastor pushed up your deadline to 24 hours. And he even got you to waste a good chunk of it coming up here to yell at me. Heh-Heh-Heh. You know, I almost can't stay mad at him. What an artist."

"So that's it?" asked Vaggie distraughtly. "After all this it's just so long, good luck?"

"I don't remember saying good luck."

"You know what, fuck you!" Marceline shouted furiously. "You're just a selfish piece of shit! No wonder God doesn't want you!"

Lucifer's left eye began to twitch. A split-second later, he plunged his hand straight into the Bat Demon's chest and presumably crushed her heart into a bloody pulp. Then, after pulling his hand back out, Marceline fell limply to the floor.

"Marceline!" Vaggie exclaimed, cradling her wounded love in her arms. "Are you alright, Pussycat?"

The bat demon just coughed up some blood in response. She was still alive, obviously, but undoubtedly in a lot of pain.

"It's okay, I've got you, Sweetie." The Fallen Angel said soothingly as she stroked her beloved's hair.

"I think we're through here." Lucifer said dismissively. "Kiddo, it's been a pleasure. Blah. Blah. Blah. You know the way out."

And with that, the Dark King turned away from his two victims, presumably thinking that the matter was closed forever. But alas this would not be the case. For almost immediately, he found himself standing face-to-face, more or less, with his daughter; her own face now hidden behind her seemingly damp hair.

"Something you wanna add, PumpkAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

With almost imperceptible speed, the Demon Princess grabbed a hold of her father's crotch with her right hand and squeezed it like one of those foam stress balls.

"Uh-AHH! SweetheAAArt, what are you doing?"

At first, Charlie said nothing; she just continued to squeeze Lucifer's junk like a vice. But then her hair parted, which allowed both him and Lilith to see her face; eyes as black as pitch and teeth clinched in hate.

"I'm only gonna say this once." She said, her tone calm yet cutting. "Stay away from my friends. Stay away from my Hotel. And stay out of my life. For good."

She gave her father another squeeze on that last part for emphasis.

By this point, the Dark King began to sweat a little. Which was understandable, after all, this sort of behavior had never been seen in Charlie before. And his perspiration only grew worse when she raised her other hand and morphed her middle finger into a large, scythe-like blade.

"Now, Uh-wait a minAAAte, Pumpkin. Let's not be too hasty." Lucifer said nervously, apparently sensing her intensions. "Maybe we can work things ou…"

But the end of that sentence never came. For at that moment, Charlie swung the blade down towards her other hand.

Naturally, Lilith turned away at the last second; unable to watch what was about to happen.

But she heard everything.

She heard the unmistakable sound of metal cleaving through flesh.

Followed by an earsplitting shriek of pain and horror that rattled walls and shattered windows all throughout Hell.

Listen…

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

End Notes:

This was a fun chapter to write.

Anyway, thanks for reading and I'll see you in the next one.

Peace.