A/N: Okay, let's lighten the mood today shall we? This was requested by and-im-stefon-meyers on tumblr under "Pregnancy/labor."
As always, read and review. It's pretty dang cool, I gotta say. And if you want you can leave requests either via PM here or in my tumblr askbox. Thanks!
"Yes, holy shit… we did it!" Andy screamed triumphant, raising the white and pink stick in the air like a victory banner.
"Andy I did pee on that," April said, scrunching her nose up at him. His smile deflated and he threw it on the ground. "Besides, it could still be wrong."
While Andy wiped his hands off on April's shirt, he gave her a sympathetic hug and took to shaking his hands spasmodically while talking.
"Babe, if I know anything about biology-"
"Which you don't," April finished.
"Well if I'm even remotely qualified to be a doctor-" he started again.
"You're not," she told him.
"Okay, but if you trust me," Andy corrected, accepting the begrudged smile as an answer, "and if I'm half the dad I want to be, then it doesn't matter when it happens. It'll happen, and it's gonna be so friggin' awesome."
April nodded her head and smiled, deciding to let Andy's advice rule her brain for a while. Maybe this one would be defective, but what did that matter? If that was the case, that meant they got to keep trying. At this point they had already passed the thirty babies quota and came up short, so how could more sex hurt?
Before the big baby decision nothing was worse to April than having to stand up, look at more than four to five people, and talk to them about something. Somehow this was even lower on the list of things to do. It only hit her when she called everyone into the Parks offices for an emergency meeting, making sure to get Leslie in as well, how awful talking to people about this would be. If April announced this without Leslie present Pawnee would likely burn to the ground then be rebuilt from scratch, and April would probably get yelled at. She wished Andy wasn't trying to seal an important deal with Kernston's and the charity for low-income mothers. That sentence alone made the decision really easy in the end, but April explaining it to people? No thanks.
"Okay so," April began, pacing between the permits counter and the center of the room, "I've called everyone that matters in here to tell you something really important."
"Aww, that's sweet. I didn't know you cared," Terry (April thought that was his current name but couldn't remember) spoke up, surprised.
"Who let you in?" April demanded, throwing her hands up in disgust.
"Well, I'll let myself out," Terry mused happily. Leslie gave him a staggering glare that left him sitting down however.
"If it's this important he can stay," she explained, "just for the purposes of records."
"Ugh, fine," April groaned along with a few others. "Don't ruin this, Terry."
"All right," she took a deep breath and went back to pacing. After stopping herself in front of them, April let everything out in an incredibly quick torrent of words, "Look, Andy and I are having a baby and we went to go see a doctor or something, he said there was a stupid little person in my body, and now we're gonna be parents, like, early next year."
There was a collective moment of silence as the blast of information washed over everyone listening. April dreaded the wait and had a fleeting thought to run out of the room and leave town, probably to go change her name and remarry Andy under an assumed identity. Part of her liked that idea way better, but then the feeling was broken when Tom looked at something in the corner of the room and gave a gigantic smile, raising his hands and whooping. Leslie stood up slowly and walked over to April, mumbling a garbled string of nonsense words and crying.
"Leslie, ew no," April tried to keep her arms dead straight but gave in to the hug anyways.
"I knew it," Leslie said through her sniffles and otherwise incoherent rambling. "You're going to be an amazing, frightening, beautiful mother and Ben and I will help you figure everything out and we can watch him, or her, whenever you want and..."
Donna shook her head and laughed while Leslie trailed off with her head now firmly stuck to April's shoulder. It was probably the most sensible response. Jerry/Larry/Terry/whoever clapped his hands over his mouth and said something stupid. April had already forgotten it one syllable into the words mostly because of the woman strangling her and muttering incomplete sentences. Leslie's deathgrip was only loosened when Ron walked over to the pair of them. His face was stoic and his hands were still in the khaki pants he was wearing.
"Congratulations," he finally said, raising his hand for her to shake it. April instantly burst into tears.
"You always know what not to say Ron," she said, throwing her arms around him for a hug. Luckily no one could see his face or there would be no end to the comments as his moustache raised into a smile and he returned the hug, albeit quickly.
"Have you started thinking of names yet?" Tom asked, jumping out of his chair. "Lemme drop one on you – Thomas J. Ludgate-Dwyer."
"What's the J. stand for?" Donna asked, already prepared and preemptively typing something into her phone.
"J-E-A-N, hyphen, to the Raplhi-oooooh," a voice wailed from the doors of the offices, and suddenly Jean-Ralphio was inside throwing his arms over every available shoulder.
"Why is the Jewish hedgehog in this building?" Ron asked, turning around and resuming his gruff exterior.
"I have been formally requested to discuss my tax fru-haud," he crooned, holding his hands up to his mouth before returning to the voice of a normal human, "and Tom tweeted it out, sounded like a classy operation."
"Sure, why not," April shrugged, "but on one condition: I own you like a slave now. Bow to me, slave."
She pointed at Jean-Ralphio whose smile had withered away. April's open-eyed glare and slight grin of her own made him look around the room for support, only to find people nodding sadly in agreement. He slinked backwards before turning around into a full-on sprint out of the room.
"Probably a good call," Tom admitted, snapping his fingers. April was just disappointed her slave had run off, but all in all the news seemed to go over pretty well.
They said she'd be glowing, and that sunshine would radiate out of her butt. Everything would be fine. It would literally be the best idea they'd ever had and both of them would come out better people for it, but April could only focus on the blinding pain in her ankles and the nauseating feeling rumbling in her stomach. Regret wasn't even a ten-thousandth the strength of word she would have used to describe the anger over her decision, but April had fought too long by this point to give up. Also it would be technically illegal and unsafe to do anything about it.
"This is terrible," April yelled to no one other than her ballooning stomach, "and I hate you, you unborn hellkite."
Taking Leslie's kids every once and a while made everything seem so easy but even this one discomfort – a horrible, physically crippling discomfort – made everything feel like another dumb mistake in a long line of stupid decisions. Outside looking in Ben had said but what did he know, and Leslie told her that it was just a part of the journey and something else stupid that sounded like a Chris Traeger branded therapy session. Now she was hungry, another weird trait she figured was just a dumb myth or whatever, and the craving for a plethora of awful combinations was too strong sometimes. If her head and legs didn't feel like they were about dissolve from pain then it would have been pretty funny. She had been pacing in the kitchen for far too long and sitting down sounded boring, so April kept on walking back and forth doing absolutely nothing waiting for Andy to confirm her requests.
"Uhh, babe," Andy interrupted, "did you want it bread, pickles, salsa, salami, bread? Or…"
"No," April groaned, "bread, pickles, salsa, fluff, more salsa, chips, salami, then no bread."
"Okay, fluff's new," Andy said, writing on his palm.
"Ugh, nevermind," she said, feeling gross simply thinking about the nightmare sandwich. "Just get me some tuna salad."
"You hate tuna salad," he answered, confused.
"Less talking, more tuna," April screamed.
Andy nodded and ran out of the house, desperately trying to satiate the needs of his quite pregnant wife. He decided that when he told people about this and had Ben write his biography (One Crime at a Time: The Burt Macklin Story) this part would be written like a horror story and the chapter would be named 'Terror at the Dwyer-Ludgate Household.' By then he'd convince her that Ludgate-Dwyer sounded way less cool.
He didn't have to deal with all of her problems so he just kept his mouth shut most of the time and did as he was told, occasionally making a suggestion at great personal risk. On one fateful night, the mention of the word pizza led to Andy returning with a jar of marshmallow fluff and a cheese and anchovies pizza. April took one bite out of the putrid Frankenpizza, made a face, and then immediately vomited all over the remains. Andy stopped recommending things after that and left it up to her. As Andy opened the car door his phone vibrated loudly with his text alert – it was from April.
dont forget the fluff
Why was it always the fluff, and why did she have to eat an entire jar? Andy left the thought in his head, treasuring his jaw far too much to risk anything. It didn't matter that when he returned with a container of JJ's tuna salad special and a jar of sugary slime April looked at both and threw them at him. Her response to her own actions was to immediately apologize and start crying, something that Andy never got used to at all. After she cried or exploded in fury it never took too long for her to calm down and then they would be stuck together in bed, Andy trying to give her plenty of space but refusing to keep less than an arm from draping over her.
"Why did I ever let you do this to me?" April screamed from the cot, holding Andy's hand in an iron grip. He knew better than to answer.
Both of them were aware how long labor could take, and especially April who kept repeating the words 'seventy-two hours' out loud between breaths, but Andy tried his best to remain stoic about everything. He had read a few pages of those books then got bored – no pictures – and what he did read was super scary, but mostly the part about how long it could take and some of the risks the baby and mother would have. April spent all of her available time drowning herself in those books so she obviously knew, but they never talked about it before. Andy hoped it would be an in-and-out if only because he was sure one doctor would slip up and somehow a sharp object would find its way into April's hands and at that point it would be anyone's game.
"When the hell is this party starting," April demanded, squeezing harder on Andy's hand. "This sludge-baby wants out, and his lease is about fucking up!"
"We have to wait for specific contraction timings," one nurse explained.
"Oh God," she replied, slamming her head back into the pillow. "It's the end, it's all over. Janet and April are going down in one poop-filled blaze of glory today. Don't let them know this is how it ended, Andy."
Andy had no idea how to respond while keeping his head intact, so he kept his grip on her hand. After a while April started to roll her shoulders uncomfortably and, seeing a brief opportunity, he moved his hands over her shoulders and tried to give her the patented Dwyer massage. Normally she hated them and it just led to a hose fight in the backyard, but her standards must have been seriously lowered because April stopped her ravings and took a few deeper breaths. It was barely any time at all like this before she contorted her face in agony over another contraction.
"Hand, Dwyer!" April yelled, putting her hand in the air. He clamped on immediately, hoping he had done something right earlier.
"How's the mother?" a man removing a white coat asked as he walked in. Andy kept his mouth shut, eyes wide and trying to ready himself for whatever was about to happen in front of his eyes. He had made sure to ignore those pictures.
"There's literally, ugh, hellspawn in my body and it wants out," April responded. Her grip loosened a bit, and Andy had a brief moment where he thought he could get something in between her rants.
"Hey, uh, do you want anything, babe?" He asked tentatively, wincing in preparation.
"Unless you've got an air conditioner you want to turn on in front of my face, no," she quipped.
"Andy," the doctor addressed him. "Go wet that rag over there, and make sure to use lukewarm water. Pat her forehead down with it."
He nodded and let April try and pull a metal bar from the bed instead of his arm from the socket for a second while he ran to do what the doctor said. After he had done what he was told Andy returned to his post and started dabbing some of the liquid on his wife's head. The litany of curses that was already unleashed started to slow down, and with that she took more deep breaths.
"Okay, that feels pretty good," April admitted, sighing and relaxing her grip ever so slightly. "But now I feel sweaty and weird."
"Oh, I got some of those little ice cube things before we came in," Andy said gleefully, picking up a small bowl from a pan and handing her a few of them.
She stuck one in her mouth and took another deep breath. Somehow things seemed to be falling back from the dreadful edge of April trying to get up out of bed, grabbing a pen or toothpick, and stabbing the nearest human being – likely Andy – in an attempt to run from labor. The doctor nodded to him and not knowing what that meant he just nodded back, trying to feed his wife ice chips until that was inevitably the wrong idea. Then it started happening and Andy was sure his wrist would never be the same – there was an awful lot of heavy breathing, some sights that Andy wished wouldn't be stored in his brain forever, and a few screams and agonized yells filling the room.
Then there she was; the sludge-baby, newborn hellkite, or whatever name April had given to her when all she wanted to do was take all of April's food and beat the shit out of her every day. The midwife told them that the nurses and orderlies had tried their best to keep a small blonde woman from destroying half the hospital in her attempt to get in, so they had only a handful of minutes alone.
"Whoa," Andy breathed, not really sure how to handle the situation in front of him. "That's, like, our kid."
"Yeah, I know," April replied, equally speechless. She was too busy staring at the little red face in her arms to really think of anything intelligent to say. "I'm really trying to hate her, but I can't."
"Can I, uh…?" Andy motioned to the little bundle.
April nodded, her tired eyes still bright from looking at this little creature she had birthed. His face was perpetually split by a smile and when the little mess of nasty skin was put in his arms, he let go. Andy didn't like crying an awful lot, mostly because it made him look like an idiot when his face balled up and his eyes got all squinty, but he didn't have any other response for this moment. Nothing in his life had really prepared him for it.
"Andy," April said, chuckling and rolling her lips in an attempt to keep any tears back, "you gotta stop being all emotional, dude."
"Oh right, yeah," he laughed and blinked rapidly. "I just can't… I don't really know; I don't want to put her down."
"Well the midwife," April pointed to the lady walking towards them, "is gonna have to take her for a bit."
Andy nodded. He already knew that and thought he had prepared for it, but didn't want to give up the angry looking bundle of weird looking skin and grossly matted specks of hair. Reluctantly he passed the baby onto the rather demanding woman and had to sit down next to April's bed, waiting for the eventual storm that was upon them. The minor squeal from one of the doorways was all they needed to hear to ready themselves, and soon Leslie was in the room running to the front of the bed and looking like she'd gotten into a fight with a raccoon. Her eyes darted between the incredibly tired April and Andy, who was sure his legs were never going to stop moving from all the excitement.
"Okay Leslie, just... bring it on," April waved towards herself, waiting for the still silent woman to let loose.
"I… hm, this is the most perfect moment ever," she finally said.
"You realize we have kids," an exhausted Ben reminded her from behind.
"Not for us," Leslie responded, jabbing him in the side harder than was probably necessary. Things had gotten hairy out there. "Today's the day we see the new Ludgate-Dwyer family start, and I'm almost afraid for the future of Pawnee but things always seem to work out for you two."
"Leslie, stop," April said, wiping at her eyes. "I'm gonna cry all over this disgusting, beautiful gown."
She finally broke the distance and moved over to hug the two of them, and Ben shook Andy's hand – or tried to before Andy shook his head and took him up in a massive hug. After being let down Ben held his chest and had to take a few deep breaths before congratulating the two of them.
"So, what's her name?" Ben asked, still coughing intermittently.
"Roberta," they said in unison before April finished, "because my grandmother was the only cool person in my family."
"That's so… you," Leslie finished, shaking her head and laughing.
"Also, uh, we want to ask you guys something," Andy started, scratching his head. "We were wondering if you guys, y'know you and Ben, would mind being the godparents and, uh-"
Leslie didn't give him time to finish whatever weird tangent he was guaranteed to fall into because she had grabbed Andy and pulled him into another hug.
"Guys, that's so thoughtful," Ben started.
"Ugh, I don't want it to be him. Can't Orin and that Food 'n Stuff cashier do it?" April complained, glaring at Ben before giving him a slight smile when she was sure no one had been looking.
"Well, we know Chris and Ann already asked you guys but it's more of a metaphor-"
"It's symbolic," April corrected.
"Yeah, so symbology and whatever. But really guys, it'd be so cool," Andy pleaded. "Leslie you're like the coolest person that isn't April and Ben's the best dad, so whaddya say?"
"Thanks, Andy," Ben said, tilting his head and wondering where that had come from. Andy responded by patting him on the back and smiling.
"Of course we will," Leslie shouted, almost like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Oh, and we're not gonna shirk on that babysitting promise. You guys saved us from going completely insane, so if you ever need anything."
"Yeah, and Jerry said he and Gayle would love to watch her whenever, y'know," Ben spoke up.
The room quieted and the other three looked at him in disgust. Andy shook his head in disappointment, April was considering how lucky he was that the last thing she wanted to do was stand up, and Leslie gave Ben a glare that he'd obviously seen before.
"What, he's got a great family," Ben tried.
"I'd rather a pack of wild coyotes raise my child than Terry," April said flatly.
"That'd actually be pretty cool," Andy agreed, rubbing his chin before high-fiving her.
The rest of the night people cycled in and out. Leslie and Ben took their leave when little Roberta was brought back to them, cleaned and declared perfectly healthy if a little underweight. Ben had to pry her away from the baby. When Ron and Diane found their way there, April swore that Ron said something in gibberish babytalk to their child before they had to awkwardly make their exit. Apparently Zoe had found an old man's oxygen tank and was having a minor escapade with her sister down the halls, leaving John behind. After that they hadn't expected anyone to come, and they were right. Donna and Tom texted Andy and April, both of them congratulating the new parents in their own way. Donna said that she wished it were a boy, since by the time he was legal Donna would be on the top of her game. Tom offered them a 10% discount at his flourishing bistro, calling it a "Friends with Families" discount.
On their way back home, Andy kept remarking that he was the luckiest guy there ever was until he realized that both of his girls had fallen asleep. He smiled in the sweet silence as they pulled into the driveway, knowing that waking either of them would result in equal amounts of vomiting and hatred from the both of them. Looking at April, mouth open and snoring loudly, and little Roberta all squished up in her clothes Andy knew that it was going to be worth it.