Hello everyone! This is my very first HIMYM fanfic. I binge-watched the entire series about three years ago (yes, I was terribly late to the party - sue me). I fell hopelessly in love with the Robin/Barney relationship and never stopped. The ending was positively devastating, like a giant painful thorn in my side. But I can attempt to revise the ending later. For right now, I have written out Robin's POV during The Final Play episode because this is possibly my favorite Robin moment ever. Robin has always kind of bothered me because she constantly refuses to face the fact that she wants to be with him. Barney has this desperate need that shows blatantly on his face when it comes to Robin, and Robin just never reciprocates. I think the final play is the first time that I really feel that need from her. Its very gratifying for me, so I wanted to write it.

Disclaimer: I do not own How I Met Your Mother. The dialogue is all from the show, none of it is mine.

Please enjoy!

It wasn't a choice. It was never a choice. It just happened.

This is what Robin was thinking as she waited for Ted to pick her up before the big opening of his new building. She stood on the curb outside her apartment complex in her sparkling red gown, a black faux fur wrap draped across her arm. Robin was looking forward to celebrating Ted's accomplishment tonight and was grateful he had asked her to come with him. Ted had always been an effective distraction from you-know-who.

That fiery feeling bubbled threateningly in her chest and she forced herself to breathe. She was determined to enjoy herself tonight, and move on from her crazy, incessant, annoying feelings that had recently turned into an obsession. Robin was usually great at withholding emotions, not letting herself ever get too connected to any one person. Her relationships were typically undramatic, surface-level, and short-lived. That was how she liked it, so she could maintain complete control over herself and the person she was dating. She had no desire to be with someone who made her body tingle constantly with emotions so strong that she would act like a maniac, especially when that someone was a completely unreliable, unpredictable, untrustworthy, non-sensical, egotistical —

Robin took a deep breath again. It never helped to logic her way out of it. Because even though he was all those things, she couldn't change the fact that there was something special between them (no, she was not going to call it the "L" word. She refused to think that far.) It was an indescribable feeling that had been eating away at her from the moment she'd met him. It was like a constant buzz of electricity that made her hyper-aware of his presence whenever they were together. He was the opposite of datable and yet — as cheesy as it sounds — when they had been together, it had been like magic. Everything about it had felt perfectly right. No one in her life had ever made her feel as much as she felt when she was with him.

Of course Robin had gone and messed it up. She had let herself spiral and overthink the whole thing because she hated, absolutely hated, how much he made her feel. It was better to break up than to risk actually getting hurt. She could not let him hurt her like that. If he did, it would completely crush her in a way she had never been crushed before. It was terrible (and absolutely magical) - but terrible to be that afraid of losing someone. Better to never reach that point, right?

It didn't make much of a difference though. She still always felt agitated when he was dating someone, whether it was Nora, or Quinn, or (God forbid) Patrice. So long as his attention was primarily on Robin, and they were both single, everything was easier. That was when they were both on the same wavelength and Robin could read him like a book. It was when she was happiest, and they could just spend time together without drama or tension.

Lately though, she was having trouble reading him at all. Ever since she and Nick broke up (more like he broke them up), it was like everything he said was the opposite of what he did. He would say something meaningful to her that she could have sworn was genuine, and then he'd act like he was joking. They would be bantering together against their friends, their pulses completely in sync, and Robin was sure there was a romantic spark. But then he would pull back, like he had to consciously restrain himself, and he'd pretend that nothing had happened.

Robin was certain he was hiding something from her. Her friends actually believed that he had genuinely moved on and was happy with Patrice, but Robin was not so easily convinced. Either he was trying to tell her something important, or he had simply gone completely nuts. Whatever it was, it was making Robin crazy with confusion and inexplicably anxious, like something big was about to happen.

The buzzing feeling was still there when she was around him. It wasn't a choice. It had never been a choice. It just happened. Seriously. Robin never would have chosen to be in love with Barney Stinson.

Did she just say love? No! No, she was not in love with Barney Stinson! She wasn't! Love was different. Love was based on trust, and reliability, and generosity, and all the things that Barney Stinson wasn't. What she was feeling was not love, it was just... her own personal, unique emotions towards him that never made sense but for some reason she just needed to feel.

Sure Robin. Keep telling yourself that.

The black limousine pulled up to the curb and Robin did a quick clearing of her thoughts. Clear her head, clear her emotions, ignore the past, focus on the moment. Robin was going to have a lovely night with her friends. All Barney-related thoughts and feelings could wait.

Robin lifted her dress and stepped inside the car. When she saw Ted's face she couldn't help but smile.

"Woah," he greeted her, his eyes bulging when he saw her dress.

The divider rolled down in the front revealing Ranjit driving the limo. "Hello!" He greeted her as well. "And hubba hubba," he complimented with a wink.

Robin instantly felt better than she had all day. "Aw," she replied with a grin. "Thanks, but tonight is about my main man Mosby," she patted Ted on the knee. He smiled tentatively back, with that secret look of adoration that Robin had always found endearing.

"Really?" Ranjit answered from the front. "Why?"

"Ted," Robin insisted lightheartedly. "Tell Ranjit the huge thing that's happening tonight!"

For a blissful moment, Robin thought Ted was going to tell Ranjit about his architectural achievement and the night would continue to go as planned.

"Barney's getting engaged."

It took a second for the words to compute. But then Robin saw the serious expression on Ted's face and the world stopped.

Everything around her went silent, except for the piercing ringing in her ears. Robin swore her heart was no longer beating. A numbness overtook her, and her thoughts felt like molasses.

"Bar-Barney's getting engaged?" She heard herself ask, still not quite comprehending the words. Her hands gripped the edge of her leather seat. Somehow, her voice stayed surprisingly even.

"He asked me to keep it a secret," Ted told her. "But I thought you deserved to know, in case you... wanted to do something about it." Robin felt paralyzed, the dread slowly starting to set in. "Do you?" He asked.

"Do you, Robin?" Ranjit chimed in.

Something about that question triggered Robin's emotions, and her heart exploded. A sharp pain catapulted through her chest like a thousand knives stabbing her all at once. She wanted to scream, but her body was no longer responding to her brain.

Of course I have to do something about it! Her mind shouted furiously. Engaged. Married. Barney getting married. An image flashed through Robin's head of Barney standing at an alter, Patrice walking down the aisle towards him –

Damn it Barney, you and I both know that if you ever get married it is going to be me walking down the aisle!

What the hell? Robin snapped back to reality, blinking several times. Where in the world had that thought come from? She did not want to marry Barney! She didn't want to get married! Why did she care if Barney wanted to ruin his life? Why did she care if he thought Patrice was special? She didn't care that he was getting engaged. Anyone stupid enough to marry Barney would be sorry.

A wave of desperation and rage threatened to overcome her. Control yourself, Robin. She made herself breathe.

"So?" Ted asked again. "What do you want to do?"

Robin huffed and tried to think. What did she want to do? She wanted to forget all of this and just go to Ted's party like she planned. She wanted to go back to not knowing what Barney was doing tonight, and she wanted to stop feeling like she was losing something that she couldn't stand to lose.

"Robin," Ranjit interrupted. "I do not want to meddle, but this is like the classic love song says," and he suddenly burst into a very bad rendition of a high-pitched Indian song.

Ted closed the divider so the driver would shut up, but the amusement of Ranjit's terrible singing helped keep Robin grounded in the moment. Tonight was supposed to be about Ted, not her irrational drama. There was nothing she could do about Barney now, even if she wanted to (which she didn't). She had to move on with her life.

Robin placed her hand on Ted's knee again. "I appreciate what you are doing," she told him, "but I'm not chasing after Barney anymore." Ted shot her a dubious look. "I just got done being crazy about all of that," she insisted. Even as she said it, she started to question whether she would ever be done with Barney. "I mean, why would I want to throw myself back in that pit?"

She wanted Ted to talk her out of it, tell her she was right, of course she shouldn't keep feeling like this, of course Barney wasn't right for her, of course she shouldn't keep pining for something she couldn't have.

Instead, his words confirmed exactly what she dreaded to be true.

"Because you're in love with him."

"No, I'm not," Robin responded automatically, just like she had been continuously telling herself every single day for the past three months. It wasn't love. But then she looked at Ted, her heart throbbed, and she was momentarily certain that she had just lied straight to his face.

She was too stubborn to take back her denial. She had to make it true. "I'm happy for him," Robin tried again. Yes, he was her friend, and she could be happy for him.

She snorted internally. Happy. Yeah right, nobody believed that.

Clearly Ted was not going to let her drop it. "So it doesn't bother you that Barney Stinson is going to propose to another woman on top of the World Wide News building?" He asked bluntly.

Robin felt another stab of pain in her chest and her breath caught in her throat. "Wait, why on top of the World Wide News building?"

"I guess that's Patrice's favorite spot in the city."

Robin saw red. Her possessive instincts took over. All of a sudden, she could feel nothing but utter loss and pain, desperate desire, and pure anger and jealousy. The intense rush of rage was blinding. Her entire body shook with one thought: Mine.

"Damn it Patrice that's my favorite spot in the city!"

Robin realized afterwards that she had screeched at the top of her lungs. She breathed heavily, like she was choking on air. Her eyes stung with unshed tears and she swallowed the ball in her throat.

"Whoa," Ted responded. He was watching her with so much concern and Robin hated it.

She seethed. Robin couldn't fathom what made Patrice so damn special and why Barney had decided Patrice was worth marrying. Patrice hadn't been Barney's friend for ten years. Patrice hadn't had to withstand all the undeserving bimbos that came and went constantly over the years who were somehow more acceptable than the only consistent, single woman in his life –

Ted's phone blinged with a text message. "Ranjit says 'whoa,'" Ted relayed the message to her.

Get a grip, Robin. Stop it, stop it, stop it! She pushed the feelings away and tried to concentrate on the sound of the moving car. She fought her instinct to jump out and run.

"Okay," she breathed. "Maybe that one… detail… stings… a little bit, but that doesn't mean I'm in love with Barney."

Ted's phone blinged again. "'Sounds like she's in love with Barney.' Okay is this divider even slightly sound proof?"

Robin felt another wave of pain course through her body and she ran her hands through her hair. This wasn't working. If she heard the words 'in love with Barney' one more time she might actually believe them. And she could not let herself believe them. She was about to open her mouth to deny it again, but she knew that it would come out sounding like a lie. Maybe it was true.

Oh, she really really didn't want it to be true! It didn't make sense! Barney was the last person she would choose to fall for, and her feelings about him were completely irrational. Why couldn't she just turn it off?!

Robin knew it was wrong for Barney to marry Patrice, but there was nothing she could do about it. If he wanted to do that to himself, then so be it. It's not like she had any power to stop him. It's not like she could just run over to the World Wide News building and —

She had to stop thinking about this.

Ignoring the painful desperation throbbing in her gut, Robin turned to Ted. "Look I — I hope it goes well for Barney. I really do," she said more convincingly. "But tonight, there is no place I would rather be than at your building, celebrating with you."

Ted finally dropped the subject, and Robin was relieved. At least part of that statement was true. She did want to go to the celebration, and she did want to spend the evening with Ted.

But what she hoped was that Barney's proposal would crash and burn so hard that he would throw that undeserving bitch Patrice off the roof of the World Wide News building.

Robin's blood boiled with anger. Anger at Patrice, anger at Barney, and anger at herself. She glanced at Ted. Ted, wonderful Ted! Why couldn't she feel like this towards him? Ted was everything she should want — caring, funny, genuine, responsible, reliable. She wouldn't have to constantly worry he was going to cheat on her. She wouldn't have to constantly second guess if he was lying. Robin had tried so hard to love Ted. She did love him, but it never felt urgent. With Ted she never felt like she was going to murder someone if he dated another girl.

Robin always felt like she should want to be with Ted, but noooo. She got stuck with an infuriating, messed up idiot with psychopathic tendencies and a sex addiction.

A beautiful, perfect, awesome idiot. Her stomach churned with desire just thinking about it.

Then she reminded herself that he was proposing to Patrice tonight and Robin spiraled into an emotional whirlpool all over again.

Robin was not going to break down crying now. She needed to distract herself. She should think about tonight — about Ted and his big accomplishment.

"Hey," she turned to Ted, keeping her tone light. "Do you realize that something you thought up in your head, now exists as a part of the Manhattan skyline?" Robin managed to smile. "That's huge!"

She successfully got Ted talking about his architecture, and it was such a relief that Robin didn't even notice when the limo pulled up to the curb.

Please review and let me know what you think so far! Go easy on me, please, its my first time dabbling in this fandom :)