I did what I did, because you loved me.
Derek's assumption was correct, he realised as he looked over the scans in front of him. Zola's shunt had malfunctioned and there was a build up of cerebrospinal fluid, meaning he'd have to go in surgically in the morning to drain the fluid and correct the shunt. He checked the time on his watch, it was getting late.
He looked up through the glass widow in front of him, watching as Meredith lifted Zola into her arms. Her arms held Zola close, with Zola perched om her hip as she comforted her. As Zola fell asleep, her head rested against Meredith's shoulder. He'd always wanted a family. Every time he'd brought it up with Addison, she'd just shoot him down, claiming they had time, and it could wait. Did he want to wait? But he'd also thought a lot about what Karev had said to him hours earlier. Meredith and her happiness had to come first.
His eyes were fixated on Meredith as she lay the sleeping child in the bed and tucked her in. Feeling his eyes on her, she turned to look at him once Zola was settled and soundly asleep. She left the room, pulling the door behind her and leaving it slightly ajar.
"Hey," she said to him with a small smile, leaning against the window, "Did you have a look over the scans?"
He nodded in response, "It's what I expected, I've scheduled her surgery for 9am tomorrow morning."
She took a deep breath and nodded in understanding, and then stretched her neck by tilting her head side to side, "We should probably use this time to talk, if you're free?"
"Yeah, my shift is over, so I've got time," he said to her with a smile. He wanted to reach out and grab her hand, but he knew that he shouldn't.
She turned and led him into the nearby on-call room, not wanting to be too far from Zola's room. He closed and locked the door behind him, not wanting them to be interrupted. She sat on the bed in the room, her back against the wall, and he sat beside her in the same manner. Her eyes closed as her head tilted back against the wall, her hand rested between them on the mattress and he took it in his own with a gentle squeeze.
"She came to the hospital in my fourth year of residency," Meredith began, keeping her eyes closed, "Alex set up the exchange programme with a clinic in Malawi, and she came to us with the spina bifida. I was allocated to her case, back when I was still stuck between general and neuro. The first day, I picked her up and she was crying, and then she stopped. I looked down at her and I just felt this instant connection," she turned to look at Derek, tears in her eyes, "But I was just a resident, and I was alone, I couldn't look after her, not like she deserved. After her surgery, they couldn't take her back, and she ended up staying with us a while longer before going into foster care. The second time she came in, Alex said they couldn't calm her, she was scared and then he called me up, and I sat with her and instantly you could tell she was better. It killed me knowing I couldn't help her. She always had follow-ups with us, they always called me when she came in, and the last time she came in, about ten months ago, she had to be assessed before her most recent placement. She almost didn't go, she wouldn't let go of me," she said with a soft laugh, "but she had to go. Last time, I almost went to file to adopt her, but my mom was getting sicker, and I'd just got this job," she sighed softly and pulled her hand from his to wipe the tears from her face, "I can't let her go back into the system again."
Derek listened carefully to every word, studying her closely, "You want to keep her this time?" He asked in a soft voice.
She nodded, "I'm going to do everything in my power. If I let her go again, I might never see her again, and I know that would be my biggest regret. I already regret being a coward and not fighting for her from the start," she said, looking down at her hand in her lap as she pulled at her fingers slightly, "and then this happens and she wouldn't have had to go through this if I'd just fought for her."
His arms wrapped around her, as much as he knew he shouldn't right now, and he pulled her close to him, "You had your reasons, Meredith, this is not your fault," he said as he pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head.
"I'm still in this with you Derek, I am, if you still are. She has to come first though, this time, Zola has to come first," she said as she rested her head against his shoulder, her eyes closed, and she released a soft sigh.
Derek didn't know what to say. They sat there in a comfortable silence as he held her, and she could feel herself starting to drop off to sleep. Derek felt her body relax in his hold and he gently adjusted her position so that she was lay on the bed with her head in his lap, his hand stroking up and down her arm, "Get some sleep, Meredith."
Around half an hour must have passed when he checked his watch, realising he had to get going. He needed to go and speak to Addison. He looked down at Meredith as she slept with her head in his lap, a feeling of guilt washing over him at having to leave her here. He gently moved himself from underneath him and put a blanket over her sleeping body, before getting up and turning the light off as he left the room.
He had to do this. He pulled out his phone as he headed down the hallway and dialled her number. She answered after a couple rings, "Meet me in the bar across the road, let's talk."
Meredith woke in the dark room, alone. She didn't remember falling asleep. After a moment to adjust herself to her surroundings, she realised it was her phone that was ringing. She saw Alex's name on the screen and answered the call, "Mer, where are you? Zola's asking for you.
"Crap. I fell asleep, I'm on my way," she said, hanging up the phone and checking the time. 06:30. She jumped out the bed and made it to Zola's room as quickly as she could.
Her heart broke when she saw Zola sat up in the bed, crying for Meredith, Alex trying to comfort her. She went over and took her in her arms as Zola clung to her scrub top, "I'm here, ZoZo, I'm here," she tried to comfort the small child and Alex let them be alone.
"You gone," Zola mumbled between sobs, Meredith held her closer and rubbed her hand over her back in an attempt to soothe her. Zola starting to calm down as Meredith rocked her back and forth gently.
Meredith looked down at Zola in her arms, wiping the tears from her cheeks, "I'll always come back, Zo. Always," she promised the little girl, "Time to sleep," she stood up off the bed, holding Zola in her arms and walked back and forth in gentle movements to help lull Zola back to sleep, singing a soft lullaby. She sat on the hospital bed, keeping her hold on Zola as she slept and Alex returned to the room, sitting on the chair beside the bed.
"Have you decided what you're gonna do?" he asked her in a quiet voice, to make sure Zola stayed asleep.
Meredith nodded, her chin resting against the top of Zola's head, "I'm going to call Janet during Zola's surgery, get the ball rolling. I'm going to adopt her," she said with certainty.
Alex looked at them both with a wide grin, "I'm happy for you, Mer. You deserve this, you both do," he stood up and ruffled Meredith's hair as she laughed softly, "I'll come check in before Zo's surgery."
Meredith nodded, "Thanks, Alex," she said to him as he left the room, turning out the light.
Soon after, she was being woken by the paediatric nurse who had come in to start the preparations for Zola's surgery. Her hand ran up and down Zola's back as she began to wake her up, talking in a hushed voice, "Come on, Zo, time to wake up."
Zola looked up at Meredith as she began to wake, blinking a few times before shaking her head and burying herself back into Meredith's chest, "No, MerMer," she mumbled.
Meredith laughed softly and pressed a soft kiss to the top of Zola's head, "Come on, it's almost time for Dr Derek to make you feel better," Zola head snapped up when she heard Derek's name being mentioned, causing Meredith to laugh again.
Derek walked in the room moments later, finding Meredith and Zola sat together, laughing with each other. He knocked on the door as he grinned at them, his smile not quite reaching his eyes, "Am I interrupting?"
Meredith shook her head and Zola climbed off her lap, allowing her to stand up off the bed. She helped Zola as she lay in the bed, and Zola help on to Meredith's hand tight, "Time to go, Zola," she said, using her other hand to gently touch the side of Zola's head.
"You come too?" she asked Meredith, refusing to let go of her hand.
Meredith looked up to Derek, who gave a small nod, and then she looked back to Zola, "I'll come with you, don't worry."
She looked up again as Karev and Robbins walked into the room to see Zola, Addison followed in behind them and stood at the back of the room, out of the way. Her two friends began interacting with Zola, but she didn't hear what they were saying. Meredith was more focused on the silent conversation happening between Derek and Addison as he moved closer to where she was stood. The hand on Derek's arm just about confirmed her suspicions. She looked down as her heart sank. She felt her hand being pulled and looked to Zola who was grinning at her, and she pressed a soft kiss to Zola's forehead, "Let's go," she said, taking a deep breath. If anyone noticed the shift in Meredith's mood, they didn't say anything.
Her focused remained on Zola, almost as if to keep her grounded as they made their way to the operating room. Before entering the room, Meredith was handed a gown, gloves and scrub cap to put on, which she did. She went in with Zola and help her on to the operating table before sitting at the top of the table, placing her hands either side of Zola's head, looking down at her.
"You're going to sleep for a little bit now, baby girl, okay? I'll be right here," she said softly, leaning down to kiss the top of Zola's head before the anaesthesiologist started putting her to sleep, "I love you," she murmured softly. She could feel Derek's presence as he entered the room but kept her eyes on the girl in front of her.
She felt a hand on her shoulder as he spoke softly, "Meredith…"
She shrugged her shoulder for him to drop his hand and kept her eyes on Zola as she spoke quietly, "You're staying with Addison," she said matter-of-factly. He didn't say anything. His silence confirmed what she'd said. She looked up and reluctantly stood, pulling her hands away, she looked to him a moment, speaking again, "Just look after my daughter," she gestured between herself and Derek, "I'm out of this." Derek stood there, still speechless as he watched Meredith tear the gloves and gown off as she left the room. This is not how he wanted her to find out. Not at all.
She couldn't help the tears falling from her eyes as she made her way straight to her office, locking the door behind her quickly before she started sobbing right there in the hallway. She slid her back down the door and hugged her knees as the sobs tore through her. She let herself cry for a moment more before gathering herself. She couldn't do this. She couldn't break down. She had things to do. She needed to distract herself and she needed to be ready for when Zola came out of surgery.
She wiped at her face and stood up, grabbing the bag Maggie had left for her and took a deep breath before heading to the attendings' locker room to take a shower. Before she did, she sent a quick message to Maggie. Zola's in surgery, Derek is staying with Addison. She grabbed the things she'd need and took her shower.
Her phone rang as she made her way back to her office, ready to make the phone call to Janet, Maggie was calling. "Hey Maggie, what's up?"
"Are you okay, Mer?"
"Yeah, I'm just, I have to make a phone call. I'm taking custody of her, I need to do this, Maggie."
She heard the smile in her sister's voice, "Okay, let me know what she says, and I'll come get you when they're about to bring her out of surgery."
"Thanks, Maggie," she ended the call with her sister as she entered her office and dialled Alex's number, "Hey, Alex, have you got Janet's number?"
"Yeah, just give me a second, Mer," she heard him rustling around in the background and she sat at her desk, ready with a pen and bit of paper, "Here," he said and gave her the number for Janet, Zola's social worker.
"Thanks, Alex. I'm going to make this call and then go wait for Zola," she told him.
"Good luck," he said before the call cut.
And before I knew it, I was back where I was.
Back Where I Was – The Hereafter