The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out, you left me in the dark.
"Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is, death ends, this, it could go on forever."
Meredith had fallen into a comfortable routine over the past week. Knowing she couldn't stay away forever, she'd returned to working on reduced hours, taking a few surgeries here and there. Spending time while Zola slept going over admin work in the quiet of her room. She knew she couldn't be there every moment Zola was awake but managed to check in on her at regular intervals. The last thing she wanted was Zola to feel like she'd abandoned her.
She'd received the call from Janet this morning. Zola was officially in Meredith's temporary custody. All she had to do now was make sure Zola was okay with that. She spent the whole day with her nerves on edge, and more than once Alex or Maggie had to reassure her that everything would be okay, everything would go okay. Reminding her that this is what Zola had already asked for in the past, there's no way she wouldn't want this.
She'd pushed the Derek situation out of her mind. Locked it in a box in the back of her mind and refused to talk about it with anyone. She avoided him, and she avoided Addison. They might have been avoiding her too, but she wouldn't know about it.
During a brief catch up with Richard, who still had no idea of the relationship that had conspired between Meredith and Derek, she'd heard Addison would be staying longer while Arizona was taking a leave of absence for voluntary work over in Malawi. Secretly, she'd hoped they'd leave and go back to New York, but knowing Richard he's probably locked Derek in a minimum 12-month contract without much wiggle room. The hospital always did have a problem with keeping its surgeons on.
Shortly after her final surgery, she was sat in one of the small offices writing up her post-op notes when she felt the presence of someone standing in the doorway behind her. She ignored whoever it was for a moment before looking behind her, quickly turning back when she saw that it was Derek standing there. She couldn't move, she had to finish these notes before she went back to Zola's room. She spoke first, "Can I help you?"
"You've been avoiding me."
She rolled her eyes at his words and scoffed, "I have no reason to speak with you, or work with you, you made sure of that."
"You could at least let me explain," he said, pleading with her as he closed the door behind him.
She turned to look at him now, "Explain? Explain what? How, you lied to me?" She was struggling to fight back the tears of frustration in her eyes, "I trusted you."
"Meredith," he said, looking at her with those stupid sad eyes.
"No, you don't get to explain. When I met you, I thought that I'd found the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done. So, all the boys, and all the bars, and all the obvious daddy issues, who cares? Because I was done," his eyes widened as she spoke, looking at him directly for the first time since before Zola's surgery, "You left me. You chose Addison," she closed the laptop in front of her and picked it up, along with her phone and various bits of paperwork, moving towards the door, "I'll be making no apologies for how I choose to repair what you broke."
Without another word from either of them, she opened the door and left the room, leaving him stood there speechless once again. If she was being honest with herself, she hadn't truly realised how she felt for him until that moment. She didn't want to admit that she'd fallen in love with him. She didn't want to admit that she had, in fact, wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. She didn't want to admit that as she sat there, in the on-call room with him, not more than a week ago, telling him about Zola, that she'd also imagined the three of them together. Not just her and Zola. She'd grown up without a father and she didn't want Zola to have to do the same. It just wasn't going to be with him.
She wasn't dating. If this had happened before she'd met Zola, she'd probably be sat in Joe's drinking tequila after tequila. Probably going home with the first decent looking guy who talked to her. That wasn't an option anymore. She had to put Zola first, and for now, that meant no tequila, no boys, no drama.
She walked in the room to the sound of giggling coming from Zola, which immediately put a smile on her face. Maggie was sat with her on the bed as they read a book together. Meredith just stood for a moment watching them. Zola looked up and saw her, "MerMer!"
"Hey, ZoZo," she greeted the young girl, going to sit on the chair beside her bed, "Time to sleep soon." She was post-op five days now and had bounced back remarkably. Meredith still hadn't got used to how quick children bounce back from surgery.
Zola nodded and reached toward Meredith. Maggie lifted her and placed her in Meredith's lap, who held her close, "Mags read story," she looked up at her, grinning.
Meredith checked Zola's bandages discreetly as she spoke, "Did you enjoy the story?" This got her a nod from Zola who began babbling about the contents of the story, making Meredith laugh. "Slow down, there, baby girl," she gently pulled the hair ties out of her hair as she continued to babble, before grabbing the hairbrush off the nightstand to carefully comb the back of her hair back up and away from the bandages. She put the brush down and lifted Zola to sit her in her lap, facing her, she felt nervous all of a sudden for what she was about to say, "Zola, I want to ask you something."
Zola looked up at her a little confused and her hand clung on to the front of Meredith's scrub top. Meredith smiled down at her and gently brushed a small bit of lint off Zola's cheek.
"Dr Alex and Dr Lexie say you'll be all better in a few days," Meredith started, watching as Zola registered what she'd said with a frown, "and I wanted to ask you if you wanted to come stay with me?"
After realising that Meredith meant she wasn't leaving Zola, and that Zola would be staying with Meredith, she jumped up to wrap her arms around Meredith's neck. Meredith laughed and held the girl close, feeling the tears brimming her eyes again, this time out of joy rather than frustration. Zola pulled back to look at her suddenly, clearly about to ask a question, "You be my Mommy?"
Meredith laughed softly and nodded, Zola hugging her tight again. She held her close and whispered softly against her hair, "I'll be your Mommy, Zola." Meredith looked up to Maggie who was still sat on the bed and had tears in her eyes, she grinned at her sister, "You okay, Maggie?"
Maggie nodded, wiping at her eyes and grinning back at Meredith, "I'm just really happy."
"Me too, Maggie," she said and looked back down at Zola, "Me too."
Their moment was broken by the sound of their phones going off simultaneously, Maggie got her phone out and checked, "Richard's calling a meeting, mandatory attendance," she said with a roll of her eyes.
Meredith stood, holding Zola in her arms and thinking for a moment and shrugging slightly before speaking again, "She can come with us," she looked down at Zola who was looking at them, "You wanna come see Richard, Zo?"
Zola responded with a fast nod, "We tell Richard," this got a laugh from both sisters who nodded. Now that Zola wasn't connected to any wires or IVs, it was much easier for her to move around the hospital, "Down!" Zola demanded. Meredith set her on her feet and kept hold of her hand.
"Come on then, Miss Zola, let's go find everyone," she grinned down at Zola and the three of them started walking out the room in the direction of the conference room they'd been paged to which was two floors up. As they reached the elevator, Meredith lifted Zola a moment so she could reach the buttons, "Up, Zola," she told the girl and Zola pressed the upwards arrow button, watching with fascination as the button lit up. She set Zola back on her feet as the elevator doors open and the three of them stepped inside.
The elevator stopped after one floor and dinged to open, Meredith kept hold of Zola's hand and Jackson walked in the elevator, grinning at Zola when he saw her, "Hey there, Zo," he said, giving her a high five as she giggled. Jackson laughed with her and turned to Maggie, "Any idea what the meeting is about?"
Maggie shook her head, "Nope, we just found out about it ourselves, that's why Zola's joining us."
A moment later, the elevator reached the floor for the conference room and they found Richard waiting in the room for them. When Zola saw the unfamiliar people who had already gathered, she gently tugged on Meredith's arm to be picked up, which she obliged to. Zola whispered into her mother's ear, "Tell Richard."
Meredith laughed softly and nodded, "We will, we will, let's sit down and we can speak to him at the end, yeah?" Meredith sat in a chair beside Maggie and sat Zola in her lap, who rested with her side against Meredith, facing Maggie.
Richard looked to Meredith from where he had been talking in hushed voices with Bailey for a moment, "Do we have a new doctor here?" He joked, referring to Zola.
As Meredith laughed at Richard's comment, she didn't notice the two Shepherd doctors entering the room, taking seats further back at the table. She didn't notice his eyes on her, because her focus was completely on Zola, "We got some good news, I didn't have the heart to not bring her," she grinned softly as Richard raised his eyebrows.
"Very well then," he nodded before addressing the rest of the room, "Thank you all for coming on short notice," he stood from his chair and Arizona moved to the front of the room, "There's a slight change to staffing that needed to be announced. Our very own Arizona Robbins will be heading out on Monday to Malawi to work at the clinic there for the next 6 months. In her place, we will be extending the stay of Dr Addison Montgomery-Shepherd as interim Chief of Foetal Surgery," he gestured to where Addison was sitting and everyone, except Meredith, glanced to look where she was sat. Meredith didn't have the energy to pretend to be interested in something she already knew, especially when it was about Addison.
Meredith felt a gentle tug on her scrub top and looked down to where Zola was looking up at her with a soft smile. She used her finger to signal one minute to her, as Richard continued speaking regarding other small areas of business before he began to wrap up the meeting.
"Does anyone have anything else to discuss while we're here?" He looked around the room. It took a moment for Meredith to realise Zola had risen her hand, Richard laughed, "Yes, Zola?"
Zola was quiet a moment, realising once again she was in a room of unfamiliar people and became shy. She looked up to Meredith and gently tugged at her scrub top again. Meredith lowered her head to listen to Zola, "Mommy, tell," she whispered into her ear, causing Meredith to laugh a little.
Meredith nodded and looked back up to Richard, "She wants everyone to know the good news," Richard nodded for her to continue and Meredith paused a moment and looked around the room, noticing everyone in the room had eyes on her and Zola, intrigued to find out what Zola had to say. She looked to Maggie a moment who just grinned at her, already knowing what was about to be said. She took a breath before speaking, "I got granted temporary custody of Zola while the adoption goes through, she wants me to tell everyone that I'm going to be her Mommy," she grinned with a flush on her cheeks as everyone started clapping around the table, she looked down at Zola who wrapped her arms around Meredith and hugged her tight. Most people in that room had been there with them from the beginning, had known Meredith when Zola first came into her life. They knew what the two of them had gone through to get to this point.
"Well that definitely is very good news, Miss Zola," Richard laughed, "Now, let's all get back to work."
Meredith stood from her chair, holding on to Zola and went to stand by Richard. Alex joined them and reached to take hold of Zola, "Zo!" she laughed and allowed Meredith to pass her over to him, "Are you happy?" Zola nodded, giggling, "Good, I'll be your Uncle Alex from now on…" he held her on his side as they talked between themselves and Meredith laughed softly watching them.
Richard placed his hand on Meredith's shoulder, "I'm proud of you, Meredith, I told you that you'd do the right thing."
She looked up to him with a genuinely happy smile, "This was just the first step, the hard part comes next," she said with a small shrug.
He pulled her into a half hug, "Well we're all behind you, you know that. Ellis would be proud of you."
She turned to face out the window that overlooked the outside garden they'd recently had put in, to hide the tear that involuntarily fell, "Yeah, I hope so."
Alex came back over with Zola and she turned back around, wiping away the tear, "Come on, Zo, time for sleep, okay?"
Zola nodded as Alex handed her back over. She held her on her hip, her hand protectively held her head against her shoulder and she kissed the top of it, feeling Zola's body relax as the tiredness hit her. She looked around the room. Most people had left by now, it was just her and Alex left in the room. She knew she shouldn't be, but she felt slightly upset that Derek had gone; she was pretty sure he'd left as soon as Richard ended the meeting. Not that she was keeping tabs on his.
"Let's take her back, Mer," Alex said to her and she nodded, keeping a close hold on her daughter as she walked with Alex back down to Zola's room.
He was just about to drop off to sleep on the couch in his office when he heard his phone go off from where it sat on his desk. With a groan he got up off the couch and went to go pick it up. Surely it was too late in the day for an emergency meeting? But attendance was mandatory for department heads, so he didn't really have a choice.
He left his office to see Addison waking down the hall towards him, "Meeting?"
He nodded, "Yeah, just got the message," he held his hand in front of his mouth as he yawned, walking towards the conference room beside her, not touching.
"You wouldn't be so tired if you slept at home, you know," Addison said to him.
He scoffed, "Yeah, but you're there so I'm sure I'll survive here for now," he shook his head as they entered the conference room, two of the last to arrive.
He sat down in a chair towards the back of the room and Addison sat beside him. His head snapped up as he heard the sound of a child's laugh nearer to where Richard was sat at the head of the conference table. His eyes softened and he suddenly wasn't so tired anymore when he saw Meredith sat there with Zola in her lap. He didn't even realise he was staring until he felt a jab in the side of his arm from Addison. He looked to her and she nodded forward to where Richard had starting the meeting.
His shoulders dropped as he looked to Richard, listening to him speak. And then he heard it. Six months. He tried really hard to not look so disappointed as everyone's gaze moved to look at Addison. He made a mental note of the fact that Meredith was the only one who hadn't looked over. As the meeting continued, Derek sank back in his chair, staying quiet.
As the meeting ended and Richard asked for any other business, Derek got himself ready by sitting up in his chair. He looked up as Richard spoke, "Yes, Zola?" and looked over to where Meredith and Zola sat.
He watched curiously as Zola became shy and spoke quietly with Meredith a second before Meredith looked to Richard and spoke, "She wants everyone to know the good news." His eyes were locked on her, watching the grin form on her face, genuine happiness radiating from her as she spoke the next words, "I got granted temporary custody of Zola while the adoption goes through, she wants me to tell everyone that I'm going to be her Mommy."
Derek's breath hitched in his throat as everyone began clapping and he joined in with them. He just wanted to hug her. He felt so proud of her and his heart swelled. But he knew he couldn't act on it. He felt the tears start to build up in his eyes as he watched Meredith embracing Zola and holding her tight. Anyone could say without a doubt that they were supposed to find each other. Once he heard the words from Richard's mouth to signal the end of the meeting, he didn't wait a moment before escaping the room. He felt like he couldn't breathe. He'd made a mistake, and he had no idea how to fix it, or make it up to her. He didn't deserve the chance to.
He didn't look back, but he heard her heels against the hard floor as she followed close behind him. He ignored her, retreating to his office. She just followed in behind him and closed the door behind them, like she knew they were about to have an argument, "Derek! We need to talk."
"No, Addison, we don't. I don't want to talk, I'm done talking!" He turned to look at her, his voice raised.
She stood there, watching him with her arms crossed, "It's not even been a week, we've only been to counselling for one session," she rolled her eyes at him, "nothing gets fixed overnight."
"I wanted a divorce, Addison! I was done! Why didn't you just sign the damn papers?!" he all but yelled at her.
"Why did you give in so easily when I wanted counselling before we ended our eleven-year marriage?!" She retorted. They'd been having this argument all week. Why had he stayed in a marriage when he constantly talked about leaving?
He stood there, thinking a moment, and then gave up, "I'm not doing this now, Addison, I need to sleep. Get out."
"Derek, just come back to the apartment…" she said, her voice softer.
"Not while you're there," he said again, sitting down on the couch. He didn't look at her. He didn't say anymore. He heard the door close as she left the room. He sighed and lay back into the position he was in before he had to go to that meeting. He was in love with Meredith Grey, and he needed to find a way back into her life. Even if they were just friends.
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight, in the shadow of your heart
Cosmic Love – Florence and The Machine.