But if I go will you love me?
Will you love me until I can?
Do you know will you want me?
Will you want me like that?
His mind was still reeling as he rode the elevator up to his office, going over his interaction with Meredith in his head.
"Hating you is exhausting."
Did she really hate him? Or was she just trying to hate him? What he did know, was that he loved her, and he needed to tell her. He wished he'd told her before this all got messed up. He stepped off the elevator and walked toward his office.
"Mark, what the hell are you doing in here?" He asked his former friend as he walked into his office, finding him sat there on one of the chairs.
"Can we please talk, Derek?" Mark pleaded with him, "I spoke with Meredith."
Derek scoffed and rolled his eyes, "Yeah, I know that," he closed the door behind him.
"I know who she is to you, Derek," Mark started before Derek cut him off.
"You don't get to talk about her," he said, crossing his arms over his chest.
"I know you're staying with Addison out of some sense of obligation, Derek, but you shouldn't do that. You deserve to be happy."
"It's not just that, Mark."
"Whatever it is, you're miserable. And the way you looked at her? You love her, and you can't deny that. And it's not the same way you've ever loved Addison, this is different."
"Any other words of wisdom you'd like to give me?" Derek asked, glaring at Mark.
"Now, I didn't want to have to be the one to tell you, but Addison clearly isn't going to, and you deserve to know. When you couldn't get the papers to her, did you ever find out where she was?"
Derek eyed him, his curiosity piqued, he hadn't managed to tell him, "No, why?"
Mark sighed and got up, heading towards the door to leave, "She was staying with me."
Well, that changed everything. He grabbed his phone and called the person he needed to see the most right now, "Hey, Mom, can I come stay for a while?"
He walked into his apartment that night, finding Addison sat on the couch. He'd spoken to Richard before leaving the hospital and he'd given him the week off to go back to New York. She looked up in surprise, "You're home?"
"This isn't your home, Addison," he pointed out, grabbing a bottle of beer out of the fridge. He moved to the chair beside the couch she sat on, divorce papers in hand, he took drink from the bottle, "I want you gone by midday tomorrow."
She sighed, "This is it isn't it?"
"Our marriage is over, it's been over for a long time," he took another swig and placed the papers on the table in front of him, "Sign these and I'll take them to New York myself tonight, I'm going to visit my mother."
She leaned forward and picked up the papers and a pen that lay nearby, reading them over again, "Are you sure?" she had to ask one last time.
He nodded, not looking at her, "It was bad enough that you slept with Mark in our bed and I happened to walk in on you both," he paused a moment before continuing, "you just had to go and live with him afterwards? Play house with him?"
"Derek, I," she started, as though she was about to defend her actions.
"No, I don't want to hear it. You came here, and you lied to me. And I may have screwed up the best thing to happen to me as a result. Sign the papers and leave me alone," he got up, throwing the empty glass bottle in the bin before going to pack some clothes into a suitcase.
She watched him a moment before resting the papers against the table to sign them. As he walked back toward her, she handed the papers to him, "There."
He took them from her and grabbed his briefcase that sat by the door where he'd left it when he came in, turning to look at her once more before he left, "Leave the key with Richard. Goodbye, Addison."
It was his last day in New York. He'd early the following morning after he'd left Seattle with the divorce papers and took them straight to his lawyer's office. He had no time to waste. Now, he was getting ready to leave his Mom's after his week there, off to go and catch his plane back to Seattle.
He gave his Mom one last hug before he left, "Thank you for letting me stay."
"Don't be silly," she said with a grin, "You know you can come and visit whenever you like."
"I know, thanks for everything," he grinned back at her.
"Oh, stop. Now go and get on that plane and get things sorted with Meredith!" She said with a laugh.
"I will," he said with a grin, leaving the house to go get in the waiting cab. He waved to his mom one last time before closing the door of the cab.
He was both anxious and excited to get back to Seattle. To get back to her. He didn't care if Addison was still there, or if Mark was still lurking about. He knew as long as he could see her again, everything would be good.
It had been a week since their moment in the parking garage. While she hadn't been trying to avoid him, she hadn't actually seen him all week. She wasn't even sure he'd been in the hospital. Getting ready to leave that morning, her fingers had caught on his apartment key that she still had in her coat pocket. She should probably give that back if she ever did see him again.
She recouped her thoughts as she focused on the job at hand. She'd been called to a few consults in the ER and her current consult also needed a Neuro exam, hence her train of thought to him. She used the tablet to order the consult and carried on assessing the patient while she waited.
"Did someone call for a consult?" she heard his voice before she saw him.
When she looked up, she realised she hadn't seen her yet, "Over here, Dr Shepherd," she called him over. He looked up as she spoke, and he saw a grin spread across his face.
"Ah, Dr Grey," he walked closer to where she was stood by the patient's bed side, "How can I be of assistance?"
"Oh, this is Mr Kanner, we just need to clear for any spinal injury before admitting him," she explained, "There's complaints of back pain we want to check out first."
Derek began to assess for any sign of spinal injury. She watched him as he worked, adding her own notes to the patient's chart, "Well, looks good to me, I'll double check the scans and then I should be able to clear him," he explained, his eyes back on Meredith, "Can we talk a moment?"
Without thinking, she nodded, and called over one of the residents to take the patient up to X-Ray, "DeLuca, can you take Mr Kanner here up to X-Ray, page Dr Shepherd when you have the scans," she passed the tablet she was holding to the resident who nodded and proceeded to introduce himself to the patient. She motioned for Derek to follow her and he walked beside her, "Do we need somewhere private, or?"
He nodded in response, "Can we go to my office?"
"Yeah, okay," she answered quietly, and they both made their way to the elevator in silence. Neither could deny the tension between them, and while Derek just wanted to tell her his news, she was trying to ignore the attraction she was feeling towards him in the crowded elevator.
After what felt like an eternity, they both got off the elevator and went into his office which was thankfully nearby. Derek closed and locked the door behind them to avoid any interruptions, "Meredith. I want to tell you something. But, before I do, I need you to have all the facts, okay?" He said, keeping his eyes on her as she moved to sit on the small couch. He watched as she nodded in understanding, a look of slight confusion on her face, "I went home for a week, well, I was at my Mom's in New York. Which wasn't the only reason for my visit. New York is also where my lawyer's office is," he paused a moment, trying to gauge her reaction before he continued, but he honestly couldn't read her expression, "We finalised the divorce. It's done."
Meredith nodded slowly, processing what he'd just told her, "Derek, I don't know," he sat beside her on the couch and took her hand in his.
"Just, wait, let me finish," he squeezed her hand gently and was glad she hadn't pulled away, and he kept his eyes on her although her gaze was fixed on the floor, "I'm in love with you, I've been in love with you forever," he watched as her gaze lifted to look at him, "And I know I'm late, I know I'm a little late in telling you that, I just want you to take your time, take all the time you need because you have a choice to make, and when I had a choice to make I chose wrong."
Her head started pounding slightly as she watched him in disbelief, her brow furrowed in slight confusion, "I, uhm, a choice?"
"I want to spend the rest of my life with you," he said, interlocking his fingers with hers, "I don't want to be away from you anymore."
In a sudden movement, she stood up from the couch and pulled her hand out of his, walking over the the other side of the room. This is everything she'd been waiting to hear, right? Is this what she wanted? She turned to look at him, trying to formulate a sentence in her head as he watched her. And he gave her that look. She couldn't possibly think straight while he was looking at her like that. She looked away from him again, out of the small window behind her and spoke quietly, "I need time. I can't just, I have a daughter, Derek. This isn't just about me anymore. I need time."
He stood and moved closer to her, "I understand," he stopped just behind her, "Take all the time you need, Meredith. There's no rush."
She turned around to look at him again. If she didn't leave soon, she was sure she'd end up mounting him. She needed to leave. She moved toward the door, "I'm not running," she assured him, "I just need to go," and then she left the office.
He watched her as she left his office and sat back on the couch, his head in his hands. He'd probably never forgive himself for what he'd done to her and definitely didn't know how he'd ever make it up to her. But he had to try. He'd wait for her forever.
She stood against the wall just outside his office, still processing what he'd just said to her. He loved her. He was in love with her. She knew he liked her a lot, but she didn't think for a moment he actually loved her, not until now. It felt so good. She didn't want to wait any longer. She opened the door again and saw him sat there on the small couch with his head in his hands.
He heard the door opening again and looked up to see her standing there. She closed and locked the door behind her again and walked over to stand in front of him, deliberating only a second longer. He watched her as she captured her lower lip with her teeth. Damn.
She moved to sit in his lap and kissed him hard as she straddled him, and his hands moved to her waist, holding her there. She pulled her lip back a moment and spoke quietly, "I love you too." He grinned wide and connected their lips again, her fingers moving through his hair as she mumbled against his lips, "I told you I wasn't running."
And if I leave, will it end?
Will you need me again?
If I go, will you love me?
Will you love me when I come back?
If I Go – Ella Eyre