A/N: Kid-centric today! Requested anonymously on tumblr. I'll be filling out the requests I have left for a while but this one really intrigued me. Mostly because my first instinct was first-person perspective and that's really unusual for me.

Kinda linked to 47.

I never really thought about it too much, probably because it wasn't ever really a question in my mind, but I guess since I'm sitting talking to my parents about it there must be something there.

If anyone will understand, it's them. They're actual lunatics just like the rest of this town, every single Pawneean, so they're used to weird - mom's kind of scary, dad's somehow not dead - but that's the problem I think. I never thought of it as weird or strange, unnatural, or anything like that. It was just me. Other people don't really seem to understand that concept, and to be honest I don't really care what they think, but they've also scared me into never saying anything about it and my parents are fed up with it.

Even so, I'm still worried. Still worried of the minute chance they will actually hate me. So I'm sitting here in our living room, trying to work it out in a way they'll understand.

You don't really know how to put these things together when you're younger. Even when you know you don't really know, like it's an instinct or something, but it isn't what you think you're supposed to have or do. It wasn't some grand revelation for me, I don't think. I just remember being fourteen and really kissing a boy and hating it. I didn't hate him - he was sweet, clumsy, stupid and everything that dumb teenage boys are - but something felt strange about the whole thing.

I chalked it all up to a shitty first kiss. Real life isn't a fairy tale, y'know? You can't expect the first time someone tries to make out with you to be anything other than gross or intrusive, all limp tongues and absent minds. That's all I assumed it was, but when I told some of my best friends how terrible it was none of them understood what I meant.

"He must have just been bad," Chloe said to me and the others agreed.

"Yeah," I nodded.

She usually knew what she was talking about anyways. Every year she was always at the top of the class, knew everything that was supposedly cool, and she never had anything bad to say about anyone. Chloe was the cool "prep" that everyone hoped their high school would have, and everyone magnetized to her naturally. It was kind of amazing that she even bothered with me and whenever she gave me advice I listened. Even when I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to live up to her expectations that advice demanded, I listened.

Then when I thought about it, it wasn't really that. I mean yeah looking back it was terrible but I didn't know that then and all I remember thinking after the kiss was that it wasn't satisfying. Took me a year or two to figure out that's what the feeling was, specifically, but that was it: unsatisfactory. Almost like I was cheating myself out of something but I still wasn't sure what the hell I was missing out on was, or why I felt so bummed out about it.

Part of it was because the guy, James, was - is - one of my best friends. I've known him since I was in preschool and thought I was really into him. He was cute, as far as a long face and short nose could be, and the two years of ASL I picked up with aunt Leslie's help made me realize how hilarious he was. We did everything together for years - I remember how shitty fifth grade was; we weren't in the same homeroom just because he was deaf and needed to be in a different classroom all day - and it just felt like the natural next step at first. I didn't want to hurt him, so I tried to make it work.

It was just one kiss, and we were stupid kids so what was the harm, right?

He wasn't weird and awkward around me because we knew each other pretty well, so I thought things would be all right. I don't even remember how we started actually dating, I just remember sitting on my couch and kissing him, all jerky and unsure at first, and then we were supposed to be something else. James was still awesome, he's still great, but things didn't actually feel all that different to me throughout any of the times we hung out after that.

I think it really hit me, at least a little bit, that there was something I wasn't getting at my fifteenth birthday party. Dad had thankfully listened to mom and I about not bringing Johnny Karate back, and I just wanted a few of my friends to hang out with me. James was first, and a few others, and Chloe naturally tagged along when I asked her to come.

"Happy birthday," James signed to me when his mom dropped him off.

"Thanks," I said to his mom and shook my head at the box he pulled out of the backseat. "I told you not to get me a present. I don't even like birthdays."

"That's stupid, everyone gets birthday presents," and he laughed that wheezing imitation that still makes me smile.

And when he kissed me on the cheek that disinterest returned even when I saw his mom smile at me. Everything that woman had gone through and here I was supposed to be his friend, but I could barely work up the effort to force a smile at his gesture. To be honest, I had actually forgotten for a second. Like I expected, he was the first person to get there and dad gave him another one of those stupid speeches through me.

"Bug, tell James that he's still cool by me," he told me, "but you guys can only hang out in the living room or the kitchen until everyone else gets here."

Naturally I told him that my dad was going to be busy mowing the lawn, so we could do whatever we wanted. If he ever did want to get the right thing across he would have to learn sign language. Sadly, mom had picked up a few of my favorites and was watching me work between them.

"Or you could tell him I'll be waiting underneath your bed," she said to me, smiling.

"Let's just find something to watch," I explained to James.

I guess it was all right sitting there, at first. My parents liked him too, and dad was the one that technically made me be friends with him at first, so there was another expectation destroyed. It didn't bother me at all that he was sitting right up against me with his arm over my shoulder, but that was kind of the problem: I didn't really feel anything when he did that. That same disinterest in that part of our relationship was there again, willing to go along but not really pleased, but sitting there and watching as many old Adventure Time episodes as we could before everyone else arrived was fine.

A few more people trickled in, a few people I can't remember that sat on the floor instead of bothering to push us aside, and already things felt cramped. Cramped but, somehow, I was disappointed. All night we just sat around watching random selections on streaming, all of us except Chloe. She texted me halfway through the night that she forgot about a family trip that weekend. Later, when everyone left and I gave James a crushing hug for the new laptop case and a short peck on the lips when his mom came back, mom had an inquisitive look for me that I mostly ignored. I was too busy glued to my phone.

sorry i couldnt make it bobby

I loved that nickname, and I didn't really know why then. She was the only one who called me that but I liked it. It made sense to me that she gave me a nickname.

its fine everything was boring anyways

james still suck at kissing?

It took me a while to answer that, because I couldn't really remember. We didn't make out at all, except once, after that first time. I made up some bullshit story that I don't really remember but it all amounted to saying he was fine. Lying to her like that, for some reason, stung way worse. She didn't say anything to me for the rest of the weekend really. Then again I made sure not to talk to her the whole time rather than the other way around. Monday at school she confronted me about it, a little confused but mostly with a request.

"Maybe we should hang out since I missed your party," she brought up to me at lunch.

"It really wasn't a party, I told you," I laughed.

"Oh, shut up," she scoffed and for a second I thought she was serious. "If that wasn't your party then we can have a real party."

"Sounds cool," I nodded. "We could even watch some of those super sappy movies you like."

"You're the one who made me watch The Fault in Our Stars," she pointed back at me. "I'd rather watch something campy and stupid."

"We can do that, then," I added hurriedly.

"It's your party, Bobby," she shook her head. "Calm down. We'll watch that stupid movie again. It's only been what-"

"Five," I interrupted.

"Six! Six times you made me watch that, and I swear if I have to watch it again..." she exclaimed before nodding at someone behind me. "Whatever, maybe James can come too."

"Oh, yeah I guess," I shrugged and he sat down next to me.

Conversation effectively died when he sat with us. Not because he didn't understand, because I'd gotten pretty good at translating under the table for him while people talked, but I felt weird having the previous talk about parties around him. I didn't realize it then, but I didn't want him to come along. I wanted to hang out with her. It was hard to explain at the time, I guess, because I thought I'd be losing something with him there. I hadn't even known her all that long, only a few years since sixth grade, but I wanted to sit around in our PJ's and watch stupid movies with Chloe. We did that all the time and letting James in on it seemed like a bad idea.

I never brought it up with him and spent most of the day excited for that night. Whatever stupid movie ended up playing would be just for us, just like they always were, and I wasn't about to break that tradition. Maybe I should have, honestly. Looking back it might have made things a little less clear but a little easier too. Would have made things easier on all of us.

Before she even came over I was ready, decked out in gigantic flannel dad gave me and trying to ignore texts from James, and to anyone else it would have seemed like I was nervous. To me that was normal then. I had gotten used to being so restricted around my girlfriends, trying to be cool and prepared for anything, but none of them made me - and it really should have hit me then - as jittery as Chloe did. When she got there I was still trying to figure out what to watch and I didn't hear her come into my room at first.

"Hey," she got out after clearing her throat.

Turning around I forgot a lot of my worry and just wanted to smile, she always said I had a pretty smile, and laugh - Bobby, your laugh is weird as hell but you gotta do it more . Sitting in for a much better, less crowded and perfectly full, party was what I needed.

"I can make popcorn or I think we can order a pizza-"

"Pizza sounds awesome," Chloe sighed, sitting down on the bean bag chair by my desk. "I guess your parents are out."

"Some stupid dinner she had to go to," I shrugged, trying to remember why I didn't just put my parents' regular place in my contacts. "Had to get dressed up and everything. Dad basically had to carry her there."

"Dinner for what?" she asked me, bouncing on the small bag.

"Um, just something in her honor," I remember telling myself I was trying to figure out what was written on her shirt. "Like, an award I think."

"Oh, that sounds cool. She works for the government right?" suddenly Chloe was excited and walking over to the bed.

"Yeah, I guess," I wasn't expecting her to sit down facing me, so close, and my brain was starting to think up millions of solutions to that.

"I always wanted to do something like that, y'know?" all this energy was so strange to me, Chloe usually not totally gone but definitely always mild. "People here suck and I bet I could do a better job taking care of this town than them."

"Probably," I nodded, watching how quickly she turned on at this outburst. "I didn't know you wanted to do stuff like that."

"I guess I never talked about it with you," Chloe considered it before shaking her head. "I hear you have to be super smart to work in Pawnee now. Especially if you wanna do anything like maintenance or that parks stuff."

"My dad works at City Hall," I laughed, watching her chuckle too, before I thought about what she was saying. "You're the smartest person in the whole school."

"That's nice, but I don't think so," she bit her bottom lip hard, and I think I tried to do the same then and realized quickly that I was staring.

"You could do whatever you want, Chloe," I think is the brilliant line I came up with, mumbling but keeping eye contact.

I don't remember if she said anything to me after that. Things were kind of silent for a bit, I think, and we were still a lot closer than I thought we'd ever been. I want to keep that memory burned, but I do remember that her eyes moved quickly downward and up again and she did that stupid tick of touching her long hair and rolling it over her hand a few times. She probably still does that. I wouldn't know, I haven't talked to Chloe since then. Ever since I made the snap judgment of moving my hand onto her cheek and kissing her we haven't really talked.

Everything made sense to me then, right then when I kissed her, but I'm not sure what I thought. Probably something silly that seemed poignant at the time, like I was understanding what I was missing all this time with James, but she didn't seem to reciprocate. I didn't know what it was like to have someone meet me halfway, to want it as much as I did, so I assumed this was the right thing. To me, this was natural and felt like the thing I was supposed to do. What else was I meant to do other than kiss someone that, I think, I really wanted to? Probably do nothing, actually. It would have been easier on everyone if that was the case.

Her lips felt closer to what I imagined a kiss to be - all warm, soft and full, and my entire body was charged in a different way than with anyone else - but she didn't act like James did. Chloe didn't feel like she wanted it, and I know I was scared in that moment because I realized my mistake, and it scared me. It scared me to watch her wipe her mouth with the back of her hand. I was terrified when she looked at me like a scared animal looks at a hunter, cautious and ready to strike, and didn't know what to do.

Then when she called her mom a few minutes later to pick her up, suddenly sick, I was petrified of the way she moved around me, terrified of my presence, until she left. When I got back in bed, leaving her to let herself out, I'm pretty sure I made some disgusting noises bawling like that. Luckily, by the time my parents got home I was cried out. I definitely looked like it.

"Where's your friend, uh, the blonde one-"

"She left," I interrupted my mom shortly. "Got sick."

"Oh," she probably noticed that I was all snotty and red all over the face. "If you wanna talk about something..."

"No," I distinctly remember how quickly I responded.

I didn't want to talk about it because it never happened as far as I was concerned. As far as going to school the next day, Chloe not sitting with James and I at lunch, and being around everyone else I wasn't going to even think about it let alone say anything to anyone about what happened that night. It was a mistake, obviously, but I assumed that feeling something for her was the mistake.

I'm nineteen and sitting in the living room of my parents' house over summer break. College is terrible, mostly, but people there don't really bother me the same way people in Pawnee did. Probably because they didn't know anything about me for the most part - who really looks at someone and figures out they're gay just by spotting them - and it's nice. Even if I can't be myself, openly, to the people in my dorm I don't even know if I'd want to. They're not awful, but they're not really my friends either.

I can be open with the girl, the normal blonde hometown track star that wanted to be an author, I met through first semester math though.

"I'm Sarah," she explained to my mom when she walked in with me. "I, uh-"

That's when I brought everyone in the living room. My parents sat across from us and I assumed we would have to do the dramatic coming out together. I always knew my parents would support me, and I'll never believe they'd do anything but he happy that I was happy, but I was still scared. Well, I was scared. Now I'm just really confused how they knew.

"So you're the girlfriend?" dad nods to my mom. "Huh."

"Yeah, this is definitely the one," she looks back to him. "I didn't think tall brunettes were your type."

"I... have a type?" I get out. "Wait, wait, wait."

"I thought you said they didn't know?" Sarah whispers to me, her hand not trembling as much on mine.

"Oh, she didn't know we knew but we knew," dad explains before squinting away from us and scratching his graying beard.

"Bug, I raised a smarter girl than that," mom laughs and smacks dad so that he shakes out of his apparently deep concentration. "Didn't we Andy?"

"Oh, yeah, totally. Don't be stupid," he points a stern finger at me. "I mean, be happy. Right?"

"Yeah, just be happy," she pats his hand and stands up. "By the way, it was blondes."

Sarah laughs at my mom, and I really love the way she returns that with a grin. I guess it felt all right, even though technically nothing changed. I was so balled up, so worried that they would be scared of me like Chloe had been that I hesitated I guess, but it's obvious they're not going to disown me just for wanting to be happy. It's nice, really, to have something like this pan out for once.