A/N: Prompted by a guest reviewer here (thanks so much by the way!) as "April having a small breakdown/bad day without Andy to help her. [truncated]" Much closer to 51 than any other Cut continuity because of my way of doing that.

There's themes of, and an entire, panic attack described in here, so if you've got any issues with that just be wary it's there.

There wasn't much that made less sense to April than getting married - everything about it seemed out-of-date and basically a gigantic tax benefit - but a select few things made more sense than getting married to Andy. Despite what others would tell her, and what she knew for herself, he was one of those few that made her legitimately happy without any ulterior motive. Everything he did was just because that's who he was: a gigantic puppy who just wanted her to smile a lot more than was natural. It was sickening, almost, but thinking about him did make her smile. Apparently obviously, because Leslie noticed.

"You seem really happy about something," she said while spooning another large clump of whipped cream into her coffee.

April didn't know why she kept agreeing to hanging out with Leslie. The only thing that ever came out of it was being perpetually confused why this woman wanted to be around Ben. He seemed so boring and rote, nerdy sometimes, and she at least seemed all right. The very least, April got free coffee. That was always okay by her.

"You seem like you don't even want the coffee part of... this," April gestured to the small cup now overloaded with white cream.

"It's the best part of coffee," Leslie explained, finishing with a few extra inches of height to her cup. "Still kind of terrible, though."

"Yep," April mumbled.

That's all she wanted to talk about - the coffee. At least then April wouldn't have to try and explain anything to her. Sitting in the booth of the small diner a block up from their apartment, things were pretty quiet most days. April ate there every once and a while when Andy forgot that he was supposed to get the takeout or in the rare occasion they felt like doing something other than sitting in. There were only a handful of roughly maintained booths and the bar to match the grungy floors and partial lighting, every bit of it as downtrodden and understaffed as April liked.

In the back where they sat, April could look over her shoulder out the large pane glass window and stare into the streets of bumbling pedestrians and staid traffic. Something about the order of it calmed her a little bit. Thankfully, she hadn't needed a reason to go to the diner by herself and watch the cars go by alone. Things were, for once, fine. Even if just a few weeks before she was shaking in bed, worrying that Andy was moving on, and only five or so days after that she couldn't sleep because of the decision they'd made, life felt like what she expected normal was supposed to be. Her head wouldn't ever be free from constant, everflowing doubt and worry over even insignificant decisions but she could handle it with him.

Maybe that was scarier than anything else.

"I feel like we haven't gotten a good chance to talk in a while," Leslie said after taking a drink, or bite, of her coffee hybrid. "Not that you really talk to me ever, or that you really seem to want to, but-"

"We're talking now," April sighed, trying to remember what she was thinking about just moments before.

"Fair enough," Leslie motioned, stirring her coffee.

"Good," April replied flatly.

If there was one thing she liked about the movement of blind traffic, it was the detachment. Everyone did what they were supposed to do, only paying attention to other people in theory, and everything seemed to work out for them. Rules were bent and played with every few feet and people only got hurt every once and a while. It was a relaxing thought. Looking out the window, there were two cars stopped at the light by the diner and neither of the drivers were going to care at all about the other - one of them fiddling with the rearview mirror and the other holding onto the wheel and slumped over in their seat - which just made sense to April. Taking a drink from her cup, she looked back to the table and away from the street.

Maybe the scariest part of everything was that April didn't know what made things so much easier with Andy. It wasn't like laughing was the absolute worst thing in the world to do, and she couldn't help herself when he made her do it inadvertently every few minutes, but was that enough? Then again, and April took another long drink finishing the cup, where was that line to begin with? When was she supposed to decide what enough even was?

"How are classes?" Leslie interrupted her thoughts, the tower of sugar broken down brick-by-brick while April was busy worrying her head with too many thoughts.

"Fine," April muttered. "Everything's fine."

"Well, I know I got a little bummed when I went to my last lecture," Leslie said almost wistfully while stirring the coffee again. "There are few things you experience quite like poly-sci 400's."

"Ew," April grimaced. "I can't wait for next semester. I only have, like, one course I have to take and I can sleep the rest of the day."

"You're right, that'll give you more time for internships and work-study," Leslie nodded, taking a drink before continuing. "You'll be able to focus on building a portfolio-"

"Oh my God," April blurts out, annoyed at how far from the point she was, "you sound like my advisor. Please stop talking, I'm getting a headache."

"I've heard good things, too," Leslie smirked.

"Oh, I'm sure. I can't wait to work for some small town business for no pay just to maybe, possibly, get a job somewhere else," April scoffed, pushing the coffee cup to the side and ignoring the cooling contents. "Wait, no - I can. I'll take sleeping in with Andy over that."

"Speaking of which, how is Andy? We haven't seen you guys for a while," Leslie pounced on the topic immediately.

April remembered, then, that they hadn't really told anyone about the whole marriage thing. She half-expected to go back on her agreement the next day, but some part of it made sense to her. Andy was one of those people that did make sense to her, even when he was baffling and an idiot he somehow still fit, and this was a natural evolution. They'd figure it out like everything else.

"Funny you should ask that," April reached inside her coat on the seat, pulling out the small circlet.

"Why's th- oh," Leslie's face wasn't so much excitement but shock when April slid the thing on her hand. "Wow."

"It's cool, right?" April spun the metal on her finger a few times before it fit snug further down.

"Oh yeah, very cool, but... did you guys think about this at all?" Leslie asked, her voice a little more worried than April would have liked.

"What's there to think about?" April returned, her right hand clamping over the ring instinctively.

She knew why overthinking it would be a problem. If she did that, April would eventually come to the conclusion - somehow - that this was a bad idea. No matter the bizarre paths she took or the insane realities she twisted in her head, it would stop feeling right if she let herself get lost in thought over it. April continued to hold onto the ring in her palm while Leslie sat there, mouth half-open mid idea, trying to pick apart her argument.

"Like, how you're not even out of college," Leslie offered.

"Or how we've known each other for almost six years," April countered, crossing her arms and trying not to raise any alarms in her mind.

"You barely have a place to live."

"We don't need a giant house. The apartment's fine."

"What about when you're not getting aid that helps you pay the rent?"

"Andy gets paid most of the time."

"For what? Playing with his band in clubs?"

"I save some of his money when we remember not to spend it at the bar."

"How about when he stops getting gigs? What then? What about when you're just... when you're barely able to feed yourself because you can't get work because you don't want to take internships? Or-"

"Why are you trying to stop this?" April interrupted the other woman.

"I'm not, you just don't seem to be thinking about it," Leslie tried to explain. "I think you guys are great and obviously you think things are going well, but is it really the best choice?"

That question hung in the air for a while after the two of them stopped their back and forth. April had been thinking of that, clearly, and it was the barrier that she hadn't wanted to cross - she didn't want to answer that - because when she did she knew the floodgates would be burst wide open. Everything else would come rushing into her mind, some unwarranted and overbearing and all of them too much to worry about now, but Leslie didn't know that. Still, it was a real worry - were they making the best choice? In all of their options, was this the best one?

Fingering the ring again, April sat further back in the booth and ignored Leslie's continuing words. Things were starting to blur around her, especially whatever Leslie was saying, and April could only really feel the warming metal and the distant sounds of motor traffic along with her thoughts. Just minutes ago she had been actually happy merely at the thought of their plan but now, and it all made sense, she had doubts. April looked down at the ring and her breathing was already getting harder and harder to deal with. Something - was it Leslie, maybe it was the traffic again - kept saying something in a lilting sound that could have been a question or a car horn.

April's head started to race with incomplete, scattered thoughts - maybe Andy wasn't...

Maybe she wasn't...? Were they...? Debts wouldn't be that bad... but maybe living in Indianapolis would be? An actual wedding seemed unnecessary anyways, because who cares...? Maybe they weren't - maybe she wasn't - maybe he didn't - maybe... maybe. What if? How were they supposed to... but maybe things would be easier when she was out of school. Or not? Maybe.

April's eyes were barely able to focus on anything in the diner while she seemingly stared at everything in the small building. Her eyes flicked between things momentarily, but none of it was recognizable and that terrified her. Nothing seemed familiar at all anymore and suddenly she couldn't remember where she was or what she was doing. Leslie was there, she thought, but now she was breathing so hard her entire brain had to work overtime to recoup the intake. Everything felt like fire, from her lungs to her thoughts, but April couldn't stop it.

"Les-Leslie," she sputtered, catching herself on the table.

If the other woman said anything April didn't hear it.

"Call Andy, Leslie. Call Andy - I need Andy. Call him. He knows what to do. Call him," April got out in a single breath.

"Okay," she imagined Leslie saying.

She must have imagined the whole thing, but none of that seemed right. April could definitely see the blonde woman yelling at someone out of her shrinking field of view, a look that April thought she knew the word for but couldn't really figure out, and a phone. Even that word was hard to find. The table, despite holding her weight, didn't even seem like it belonged. Where was it? In front of her? All April could see in front of her was a hazy fog that kept shrinking and even the air in the diner was thin and barely sustainable.

Then she thought a question was directed at her but April couldn't parse it. The words were familiar but incredibly confusing at the same time, and even when she thought she twisted her neck to look out at the street even that looked empty and unfamiliar. Was she in a city? The streetlights and sidewalks were different from Pawnee and the cars were so much louder, and there were so many more of them than she remembered, but what was the place called? She went to school here, but what was it called?

"April, where are you?" she definitely heard Leslie ask.

"I-I... what? I'm here," April answered, but none of that sounded right to her, "I mean... I'm at the; we're... diner?"

"She answered me," Leslie spoke into the phone before April realized that she was sitting next to her in the booth and staring at her. "That's good, right?"

There was the sound of someone talking on the other end but April couldn't make heads nor tails of who it was. Something was trying to help her remember, but she couldn't quite get it. It felt only a few inches away.

"Okay, um, then... here," Leslie offered April her phone. "Andy wants to talk to you, April."

Leslie pushed the phone into her hand and April brought it to her ear naturally. She still couldn't really make out what was happening around her, or where around her even was, but she vaguely recalled telling Leslie to call Andy. He knew what to do anyways. She'd taught him how to handle a panic attack after she had the first one when neither of them understood what it was and she had to struggle to breathe for an hour before she calmed down to find a completely distraught Andy. April could still remember the terrified look on his face, all sweaty and close, and the appointment they both agreed she had to make after that.

"April?" she heard his voice crackle.

"Uh huh," she answered, nodding and swallowing a breath hard.

"Okay babe, listen to me... um, what's the first thing you see?" he asked her, his voice huffing like he was exerting himself.

"There's a... one of those," she blinked faster and slammed her palm on the- "table. Holding onto a table."

"Awesome, who's with you?" he groaned and April thought she heard the sound of a car outside honking twice.

"Leslie. Leslie's here," April pointed to the woman who nodded quickly, the growing fear on her face starting to fade.

"You're doing so good. You're amazing," Andy said quietly and April's breaths eased slightly. "Just.. gimme, like, two seconds."

"What?" she asked quickly, appreciating the opening fog around her vision and the clearer thoughts and easier words.

He didn't hang up but she didn't hear him saying anything for a few seconds. Then someone entered the diner and she could hear his breaths twice over and when April looked over Andy was sweating through a shirt and looked so out of breath he might collapse before she did. Leslie moved out of the booth when April scooted forward, closer towards him, and made way for her to shakily step out. As if expecting that, Andy stood by and let her move herself. Her eyes were clearer and things seemed to fade out of vision less and less, but she couldn't see much else other than him anyways.

When she stood up, Andy let her move for a bit before she had to steady herself on the table and his chest. His hand found hers, just as sweaty as the rest of him, and April squeezed it as hard as she could. He was definitely right there.

"I don't know what happened, she just suddenly... it just happened," Leslie piped up, her eyes still wide. "We were talking about... oh. Oh my God, I'm so sorry."

"Leslie, stop," April breathed out, the pressure in her chest easing up to allow some annoyance.

"No, we were talking about you guys getting married and I was; I'm sorry," this time Leslie was looking at Andy, who moved to wrap an arm over April's shoulder.

"Don't worry about it, she just - it happens," Andy found the words where April couldn't and she was thankful for that. "Sometimes we can't stop it, we just gotta deal with it."

Then the woman tilted her head at Andy's words before he left while helping April along out the door. April was thankful for the sad smile Leslie gave her, and the way that Andy helped her into a cab. After a few mouthfuls of water her throat wasn't aching like she had just been punched in the neck over and over again, and at home she could try to relax and let Andy sit with her. Holding his hand, the other playing with strands of her hair, and things seemed smoother. The world felt less jagged and angular, all sharp corners and hard movement, and more like the warmth of her reality.

We gotta deal with it

That's what he said in the diner. Andy understood that she couldn't help it, and things like this were always going to happen to her no matter what she did and no matter how hard she tried, and that's probably why she didn't really need to think about them.