A/N: Hey Darvey fam...it's been a while! ❤️️
Life got a bit overwhelming earlier this year so I deactivated my twitter and sadly forgot to reactivate it before it got deleted. Unfortunately, life is still just as overwhelming but I did manage to find a few moments recently to finish this fic that's been sitting on my hard drive for the past year.
I always wanted to write a retelling of 7x01 because while I love the fact that Donna became COO, I never liked the way she got her promotion. So this is my attempt to fix that (and don't worry...there's no Paula in this version). The story is in two parts and the second part will be posted soon.
I want to thank all the wonderful people who encouraged me to keep going with this fic, even through the many months when I struggled to find the inspiration and motivation to finish. And an extra thank you to Wika for her beta-ing and friendly harassment...I hope it was worth the wait!
Jules xx
If I dare
If I dare to ask it, then I dare it to be true
If I dare to risk it, then I know that I'm willing to
If I dare to want this, to want more than I have
Then I dare to believe I'll have it in the end
※※※
It was two nights ago that Donna told Harvey she wanted something more, and she hasn't stopped thinking about it since.
This morning, after two sleepless nights spent pondering her goals and dreams and deepest desires, she's tired.
And it's not just the exhaustion of sleep deprivation—it's an emotional weariness that's settled deep into her bones. She's tired of her and Harvey's status quo, unable to keep doing what they're doing. What they've been doing for so many years that she had somehow slipped into complacency without realizing it.
While staring at the ceiling last night, she had come to terms with the simple truth that being his secretary isn't enough for her anymore.
That buried feeling had been rising to the surface over the last few months of working with Benjamin. She'd started to feel like she belonged in boardrooms and in meetings with CEOs, until one asshole investor made her feel like she wasn't good enough. But the half-million dollars deposited in her bank account tells her that she can do more—that she deserves to do more.
And yet. She knows there's a double truth in that statement. That she's tired of just being Harvey's secretary, but also tired of just being his secretary.
One of those problems seems easier to fix than the other. And Donna had always prided herself on being able to solve problems for other people. Isn't it time she did herself the same favor?
So she gets out of bed with a plan to cut straight to the chase.
Today, she'll claim a seat at the table.
※※※
An hour later, she pushes through the revolving door with intent. She's determined to find Harvey as soon as possible so there won't be any time to change her mind.
She decides to wait in the lobby, wanting to have this conversation on neutral ground—somewhere outside the walls of his office, where they would feel less like boss and employee, and more like equals.
As she stands there nervously fiddling with the lid of her coffee cup, worrying about what his reaction will be, she again feels the regret of having her happiness so closely linked with his. She knows it's time to drag herself out of his orbit, and chart her own path for a change.
And she's convinced that she's found exactly the way to do that. The solution to everything.
Now she just needs to be bold enough to make it happen.
A few minutes later Harvey arrives as expected, wearing a slight smile leftover from Mike's triumph last night.
"Is that for me?" He says jokingly, eyeing the coffee in her hand.
"No, actually, it's for me. I've been waiting for you."
His face tenses; he's jumped to the conclusion that she's here to ambush him about them. "Donna, about the other night. I know you said you wanted more, but before you say anything—"
"I figured out what I want."
Her certainty takes him by surprise. "You—you did?"
"Yes. I've been thinking about it, and I think this firm should hire a chief operating officer." She pauses to let this sink in, knowing that this isn't where Harvey thought this conversation was headed. "And I think it should be me," she adds, with a touch more confidence than she feels.
There's a brief moment of silence, as he looks at her slightly bewildered.
"Donna, I don't mean to insult you, but…you're not a lawyer…"
"Neither are the chief operating officers of four of the top nine firms in the world."
"You've done your homework." He seems a bit disconcerted, but also impressed. So far, so good.
"I have. Because I'm serious about this, Harvey," she says, holding his gaze. "The way things are now, there's too much work for the managing partner. A COO could take care of the day-to-day administration that neither you nor Louis has any interest in. I know I could do a great job and all I'm asking for is a chance to prove my value to this firm. To have a seat at the table."
He takes all this in, with an expression far more neutral than she was expecting.
"Alright, Donna. I'll recommend we hire someone at the next partner meeting."
"Someone? Or me?"
"Look, I agree that you deserve a promotion but I can't give that to you myself," he cautions.
"Why not?"
"It would be a conflict of interest because of our…personal relationship."
She shakes her head imperceptibly, her body stiffening at his words. The idea that he's unwilling to risk a relationship outside the office, and then has the audacity to use that non-existent 'personal relationship' to deny her professional ambitions is too much to bear.
"What personal relationship?" she demands, challenging his hypocrisy.
He tilts his head and purses his lips at her. "You know what."
"No, Harvey, I actually don't," she exclaims, throwing up her hands. "As far as I can see, we're colleagues and nothing more." It's harsh. But if he needs a wake-up call, then she's happy to give him one. Her voice has steadily gained volume and intensity and she's sure the whole lobby can hear them now, but she's past caring.
There's a long pause before he responds and she perceives a moment of hurt flash across his face at her indifference.
"Is that…how you feel?" he says cautiously.
"Isn't it how you feel?"
His gaze flicks around the lobby, looking for anyone from the firm. "Donna, let's not…get into this…here…"
"Oh okay, because you're so eager to get into it everywhere else."
His eyes fall closed and he lets out a tired exhale. She's testing his patience but she just can't hold back anymore. Too many years; too much restraint. She's hit her limit.
"Donna," he pleads, his voice suddenly gentle, "Please don't hate me for this. It's for your sake. So people won't think…"
He trails off, and her frustration is growing with every ambiguous half-statement. "You know that's not—"
"I know, and you know," he says, gesturing between them for emphasis. "But I wouldn't want anyone to have an ounce of doubt about whether you deserve it. I don't want that hanging over your head, if we, uh…"
"If we…what?"
"Nothing. Nevermind," he stammers. "Look, if we do this right, I promise you'll get a fair shot. And I have no doubt you'll be the best person for the job."
"What does that mean, a fair shot?"
"Once I get the other partners to sign off on it, I can make sure you get an interview. Write you a letter of recommendation. Anything I can do to help."
She feels herself relenting, the soft pleading look on his face proving to be her undoing. At least he isn't totally against the idea, and maybe, just maybe, he's right that doing it her way would lead to all sorts of uncomfortable gossip. "Promise you won't just forget about it once you get on that elevator?"
"I give you my word. Trust me."
The truth is that she'd trust him with her life. But she's spent years convincing herself that she couldn't trust him with her heart. Luckily, this seems to fall in the first category.
"Okay. I trust you, Harvey."
She gives him a small smile and they turn and head for the elevators together. Although she'd only taken one small step toward the goal she'd set her mind to, she somehow felt that the hardest part was over.
If Harvey was okay, then everything would be okay.
※※※
The three-day wait until the next partners' meeting is excruciating.
Not wanting to disturb the status quo anymore than she already had, she hadn't brought it up again. And of course, the two of them are experts in pretending that nothing's changed. But she can't help overanalyzing everything Harvey says or does, in an attempt to interpret how he's feeling about this possible development.
So far, to her surprise, she hasn't noticed any downturn in his mood. Mike's back, which helps. It might just be a temporary distraction, but she hopes it will take some of the sting out of her wanting to move on.
As Harvey leaves his office to head to the meeting, she throws out a casual reminder. "Remember about—"
"I'm on it," he says quickly, with a small nod.
And then she's left alone with her thoughts.
Ten unproductive minutes later, the anticipation is killing her. So she decides to pop by Rachel's office to pass some time (and if she happens to glance into the conference room and try a bit of lip-reading as she walks by...well, who could blame her).
"Hey, Rach. You busy?"
"Hey! What's going on? You look nervous."
She hadn't mentioned her talk with Harvey yet, fearing that his easygoing reaction was too good to be true. But when she explains the reason for her nerves, Rachel's excitement is almost equal to her own.
"Wait, so Harvey is actually okay with this? He's really helping you go for this job?"
"He really is. So far, anyway."
"Wow," Rachel says, marveling at this turn of events.
Despite her enthusiasm, Donna can sense that her friend is holding something back. "What is it?"
"It's just, last time you stopped working for him, he…didn't exactly take it well."
Donna remembers with a pang of guilt how Rachel had picked up the slack when Harvey had rejected her two weeks' notice. "I know…and I hope it will be different this time. I don't want to mess things up, but Rach, I can't keep…" She lets out a frustrated sigh, struggling to explain the extent of the restlessness she feels. "Everything I do is to protect him, and make him happy. And I don't regret that, but sometimes I feel like…like he's the protagonist of my life. Shouldn't it be me?"
Rachel's brow furrows in sympathy and she reaches across the desk for her friend's hand. "Oh, Donna…of course it should. And I'm so glad you have a chance to make that happen."
"Thanks, Rach…I'd better go. The meeting should be over soon." After promising to keep Rachel updated, Donna heads back down the corridor to learn her fate.
When she arrives back at her cubicle, she finds Harvey already sitting at his desk. He looks up when he sees her, and leans over to speak into their intercom.
"Donna, would you like to join me in here?"
She chuckles at this unnecessary invitation and heads into his office, her pulse racing in anticipation of Harvey's news. "What was that for? You knew I was coming in anyway."
"But it might be one of the last times I get to do that."
Her heart leaps as she absorbs his meaning. "You mean…they went for it?"
"They did. The job posting's going up today and the closing date is in two weeks."
If he had any misgivings, they were well-disguised. "Thank you, Harvey. I really appreciate it."
"You did that," he says, and there's a hint of pride in his tone.
"Well. You helped a little," she jokes.
"So basically, how most of our work gets done."
"Nice of you to finally admit it." They're wearing matching smirks, and there's a familiar glint in his eye. It's a relief that they can still smile and joke and flirt like them, even though the possibility of her leaving him just got much more real.
"So...what about interviews?"
"You're on the list." For the first time, a hint of the inner turmoil she's been expecting shows itself on his face.
"Harvey, what is it?"
"What do you mean?" He feigns innocence, but he should know by now that it's only a matter of time until she gets it out of him.
"That look on your face. What's wrong?"
"It's just…they weren't really keen on…hiring internally."
She frowns. "Is that code for, they weren't really keen on hiring a secretary?"
He relents under her withering gaze. "Maybe."
She sighs in frustration. Of course it was never going to be simple. Not with the stereotypes and assumptions and gossip that had followed her since she started here. "Then how did you get them to agree?"
"It's not important."
"Harvey," she scolds. "Tell me the truth, I can handle it."
"Okay, fine, I may have offered to share a few cases with the partners on the hiring committee."
"You did that for me?"
"Of course, Donna. I gave you my word." He says it like it was the easiest decision in the world and she can't help but admire his unwavering loyalty, even when it might result in losing her.
Today isn't the day to get distracted by Harvey's many attractive qualities, so she plows on with her questions. "Who's on the hiring committee?" she asks, hoping for at least one friendly face.
"Technically Louis or I should have the final vote there…but we'll have to recuse ourselves because we've been your direct supervisors. So the longest-standing partner will step in as chair."
"Oh, right." She tries to keep her voice casual, but she's starting to worry that her two biggest advocates in the firm can't be involved. "And that is…?"
"Um," he manages, his tone sheepish. "It's...Paul Porter." She lets out a groan and he nods in sympathy. "I know, I'm sorry, he's a nightmare. And the rest of the committee is Fogerty, Klyman, and Reeger…"
She winces. It literally couldn't be worse. "But last year you—"
"Took Fogerty's client. Yeah."
"And at that Christmas party—"
"Accidentally hit on Klyman's fiancée, I know." He sighs at the memory and closes his eyes, his forehead coming to rest in his palm.
"And six years ago, you—"
"Made senior partner over Reeger, yes."
"Fuck." She collapses into the chair opposite him. She sits there, stunned, feeling like all her dreams have just floated away. "Those partners all hate you! I have no chance."
"Listen to me," he says, attempting to cast aside her discouragement. "That's my shit. And it's not on you, okay? If they don't judge you on your own merits then they're not doing their job."
"But—"
"Just…be yourself, Donna. Show them how much you have to offer. You'll impress the hell out of them. They'll love you."
If only it were that easy. She'd learned the hard way that impressing someone with your wit and charisma was no shortcut to love.
"Especially after they read this." He smiles as he picks up an envelope from his deck, showing her the label: Letter of recommendation for Donna Paulsen.
"Wait, you...you already wrote me a reference letter? How did you know I would need it?"
"Because once I set my mind on something, I don't back down," he tells her with cocky satisfaction.
That is pretty much true, Donna knows. It's what makes him such a fearsome attorney—the fact that he never gives up on a challenge, never makes the safe choice instead of the bold one.
Which just leads her to the conclusion that he never truly set his mind on her.
※※※
Having decided that she's all in, even if the odds are against her, Donna dives into interview preparation for the next two weeks.
She gets Louis to quiz her on the firm finances and bylaws, while Rachel drills her in some of the finer points of employment law and contracts.
And then she hits the books. Night after night, she brings home as many files as she can carry—client lists, case histories, human resources policy.
The more she reads, the more she notices how familiar it all is. She'd already absorbed everything she needed to know; the twelve years she'd spent within those walls had prepared her for this very moment.
And now, it's time to nail the audition for the biggest role of her life.
※※※
It's only 6:30 am, and Donna has already tried on seven outfits. She'd picked out some of her most serious, professional looks for the occasion—navy and gray suits, a long-sleeved black jumpsuit—but still, none of them felt right.
She eyes the rows of colorful dresses in front of her and realizes how silly it is that she'd subconsciously associated more masculine looks with an aura of competence. The committee might think that way, but she's determined to show that femininity could be just as much of a superpower. Pushing the suits to the side, she immediately knows what she wants to wear.
The black Erdem dress decorated with delicate silvery flowers is one of her favorites, but it had hung untouched in her closet since the day Jessica left. The intimacy she had felt with Harvey that night, the touch they had shared, had been so hauntingly memorable that wearing it again would have felt almost symbolic.
Today, she decides that's exactly what she wants. To subtly remind Harvey that even if she ends up leaving his desk, he'll never be alone. And to remind herself, as she faces the most important test of her career, of Harvey being right there beside her, holding her hand.
※※※
Harvey arrives at the firm just after 8, greeting her like it's any other day. She gives him his messages; reminds him he's got a meeting at 9:30; lets him know that Mike wants to see him.
It all feels normal.
He doesn't say anything about her dress (that's normal too). But she just knows from the way his eyes soften when he looks at her, the way his fingers twitch just slightly by his side, that she made the right choice.
"So, big day," he finally acknowledges.
"Yes."
"You ready? Feeling okay?"
She nods.
"Good. That's good."
And then neither of them can think of anything else to say, the silence stretching palpably between them.
He mutters that he should head off to see Mike, and after he's gone she gets a few visitors of her own. Rachel tells her that she's got this, that she looks amazing and she's going to kill it, and Louis gives her the most epic of pep talks before the two of them head off to court for the day.
After that, she settles down to focus on her work and manages to calmly get on with it for the most part, until around eleven when she starts having the awful feeling that she'd forgotten something.
All too late, she notices the overdue reminder that had gotten buried behind a million windows on her desktop. After frantically searching her desk she bursts into Harvey's office in a panic.
"Harvey, have you seen those documents for Stillman, they were supposed to be couriered yesterday but I can't—"
"It's okay, Donna. I took care of it."
"What? Why?"
He shrugs, almost like he's been caught. "I noticed them on your desk last night and I just figured...you have a lot on your mind right now."
"That doesn't give me an excuse to be terrible at my job!"
"Hey, don't worry about it." He gets up and walks around his desk until he's facing her. Although she knows he won't touch her, because he never does, just his proximity is enough to make her skin tingle. "Sometimes we need a little help, right?"
The tension melts away from her body and she smiles at him gratefully. "Thanks, Harvey."
"You should take a long lunch break today. Have some time to just relax before your interview."
"But I need to make those copies for the—"
He waves off her objections. "I'll handle it, don't worry."
She stares at him, incredulous. "You? Handle copies? Hang on a minute. All those years, you were just pretending not to know how to use the copy machine, weren't you?"
He laughs. "No, I really didn't know. But now I do. And I learned how to fax. Now that's growth," he jokes.
Harvey might be joking, but it meant more to her than just a few copies. In the past few weeks, he had shown her again and again that he could put her needs above his own. And it wasn't just that he could—it felt like he truly wanted to. It's a small step for Harvey, but a giant leap for her and Harvey. So even if she didn't end up getting the job, if this gamble didn't pay off, all of it would still be worthwhile.
※※※
Donna arrives outside the conference room to find the four men seated along one side of the table engaged in conversation. Keeping a respectful distance, she takes deep breaths to steady her nerves, hoping to find her inner calm like she did with such ease in yoga class.
She's not trying to eavesdrop, but when Paul Porter stands up after a few minutes and heads toward the door, she hears him loud and clear.
"Well, let's get this one over with," he scoffs, and the other three chuckle in response.
Her breath catches as she feels the sting of their disrespect. She's instantly transported back to a time not so long ago, standing outside a different conference room, when her spirit had been crushed by another flippant remark. 'No way in hell I'm getting into business with a career legal secretary.'
Two options are in front of her now—she can let it bruise her confidence the way it did that time, or she can use it as even more motivation to prove them wrong.
She chooses the latter.
So she plasters a pleasant smile on her face, greeting Paul as he opens the door and welcomes her inside. The smile on his face is as insincere as her own.
Taking a seat opposite the four partners to face them head-on, she acknowledges each one by name and sits up as tall as she can, ready to face the onslaught.
Paul Porter decides to open the interview with an unnecessary speech that seems to be for the sole purpose of belittling her. "Now, Donna, we just want to make sure you understand that we won't be giving away this position as a favor to Harvey, and we've made that very clear to him as well." His voice is dripping with condescension and she cringes at the implication, but she won't give them the satisfaction of rattling her.
"I understand," she assures him, but out of sight, she nervously fiddles with her ring under the table.
"Excellent. Well, let's proceed with the interview." He nods at Bob Reeger, giving him the signal to go ahead.
"Donna, we were obviously hoping for an individual with a law degree or MBA for this position. Can you tell us what exactly you bring to the table instead of those qualifications?"
She'd been expecting this question, of course, but it still stings. She'd never considered herself less than those around her, confident that her unique abilities made her valuable in her own way. And now she just needs to explain what those unique abilities are. She takes a moment to steel herself and begins to make her case.
"You're correct that my legal knowledge and skills were not acquired in classrooms, but in the halls and offices of this firm. In fact, it's for this reason that I feel I have more to offer than any other candidate."
She finds four skeptical faces looking back at her after this statement, but she carries on, unbothered. "I have been loyal to this firm for twelve years— through leadership changes, and legal difficulties, and financial struggles. I know all our important clients, and their key business needs and competitors too. I also know all 128 employees of this firm by name, across the mergers, contracts, real estate, taxes, and bankruptcy divisions. I have long-term personal contacts at the district attorney's office, the US attorney's office, the New York bar, and every other top law firm in the city."
She then takes the opportunity to address each partner individually, highlighting their latest major deals and client wins, and mentioning their upcoming cases that she'd researched.
Reeger and Klyman seem to appreciate this gesture, giving her the first genuine smiles of the interview, but Fogerty is having none of it. "Well, thank you for that, Donna," he says sarcastically. "Good to know you're on friendly terms with our secretaries." He chuckles.
She wants to fight back and say that secretaries actually have the most in-depth knowledge about what's going on in the firm and should be respected for it. But Fogerty doesn't give her the chance before jumping in with another question.
"So, we heard that this whole COO thing was apparently your idea. In that case, you must already have a thorough plan for the priorities you'd like to focus on if you got the job?" He's trying to catch her off guard, clearly not expecting her to have anything thought out. Well, he couldn't be more wrong.
"I certainly do. I have several initiatives that I'd look forward to implementing, and I'm ready to hit the ground running. With Jessica leaving last month there's going to be a need to ensure our management doesn't slip through the cracks, and this firm needs Louis and Harvey to focus on what they do best, which is winning cases and bringing in great clients, not resolving interpersonal disputes or finding new talent."
Klyman starts nodding in agreement, and she takes that as sufficient encouragement to continue.
"What I'd like to focus on is people, because I think that's what makes this place special, not the amount of money we make or the number of zeros on the balance sheets of the clients we sign—"
Fogerty purses his lips in disapproval, and can't help himself from interrupting. "I'm sorry, but businesses exist to make money, and if you can't understand that—"
"But it's all connected, isn't it?" she rebuts. "People do better work if they feel valued and supported. And if our people work better then we bring in more money, which gives us the position and reputation to attract the best people. Who in turn have the talent and abilities to make us lots of money. Don't you think?"
"Well, I suppose you're right," he admits. "But it just so happens that the reputation you mention has taken a severe hit from the reckless actions of your boss, hiring a fraud and making this whole firm look like a joke."
"Bill," Paul says sharply, in warning, "let's not go there."
"It's fine," Donna jumps in. "If you don't mind, I'd like a chance to respond."
They sit back and watch her intently, curious about how she would defend him. She's never let anyone drag Harvey's name through the mud and she's definitely not going to start now, not even if that's what it would take to get hired.
"It's true that Harvey and I take risks in our work here. It's necessary to reach the level that he operates at, where no case is ever unwinnable. And sometimes in taking risks we have made mistakes. I'd think everyone in this room has, because there are a lot of gray areas in what we do. But when you're as skilled as Harvey is at managing the impact of mistakes, it's a balance that works in his favor. I think the fact that he's still the most feared lawyer at this firm speaks for itself."
No one seems to have any response to that beyond a couple of faint nods, which she decides is a good thing. After a few awkward moments where the only sound is the clicking of his pen, Paul takes the lead again. "Uh, speaking of Harvey, we got a reference letter from him. If you don't mind, I'd like to read you something from it…" He rifles through a stack of papers in front of him. "Yes, here it is…it says:
'I stopped thinking of Donna as my assistant a long time ago. I consider her my partner as the work I do wouldn't be possible without her. I don't just mean taking care of tasks that I don't feel like doing myself; I mean that her intuition, connections, and talent for mediation enable me to keep my very demanding clients satisfied and close the deals I negotiate on a daily basis.
She's been a key factor—if not the key factor—in many of my most significant client signings. If given the opportunity I have no doubt that she'll be just as successful at managing the needs of all our clients as she has been at managing mine.' "
Paul finishes reading and looks up at her expectantly; she curses her pale skin as she feels her cheeks start to blush, with Harvey's words affecting her more than she cared to let on. She grabs her water bottle and takes a drink, hoping to calm her nerves and temporarily hide her complexion from view.
"Now, my question is," Paul continues, "if you're as competent as Harvey thinks you are, why would you be content to remain a secretary for so long?"
For the first time, she falters. Because I'd follow him to the ends of the earth? Because my life doesn't make sense without him? Because it's hard to let go of people you love? "I, uh…I'm not sure how to answer that," she stumbles, embarrassed that she seems to have forgotten all her carefully prepared justifications for her career pathway.
But she's come so far now; she refuses to let her emotions get the better of her. Letting her eyes close for a moment, she tries to collect her thoughts. "All I can say is that this position gave me the opportunity to grow from...a part-time actress to the best legal secretary in the city. It gave me a home, and a family, and I never needed to sacrifice that to gain more recognition elsewhere. As you know, the opportunities are limited here for someone without a formal legal education. But I'm ready for a challenge now. I'm ready to work with other partners and associates in an official capacity like I've been doing unofficially for years. I'm ready to lead."
And then, before she has any time to congratulate herself for her quick recovery, Fogerty asks the question she was dreading most of all.
"I apologize for my forwardness, Miss Paulsen, but I have to ask, what exactly is the nature of your relationship with Harvey?"
"Why is that relevant?" she snaps.
"Well, he clearly has a, uh, very high opinion of you. So I'm just trying to work out if we should consider his opinion to be...objective. I'm told that you haven't disclosed a romantic relationship with HR, but you've worked for him for, what is it, thirteen years?"
She bristles at the insinuation. It's so ridiculous that she can scarcely believe she heard correctly. Once again she's enraged that her non-relationship with Harvey is hurting her as much as a real one would. Fighting to stay composed, she asks him, "You think a man would only compliment a woman's competence if he's in a relationship with her? Is that what you're saying?"
To her satisfaction, he looks embarrassed. Good. "Well, not exactly, no—" he mumbles.
"Let me make myself clear," she says, continuing just as forcefully, "Harvey and I have never been— we're close friends, but we're professionals and we'd never let our friendship impact our work here. We've always critiqued each other honestly, and if you know Harvey at all, I'm sure you're aware that he doesn't give compliments he doesn't mean."
She remembers then that they may not know the real Harvey at all, that their only impression of him might be negative. "And I'd like to say one more thing—I'm conscious of the fact that Harvey doesn't always rub people the right way. If that's affected your opinion of me, I'm looking forward to showing you that I'm very much my own person, and I hope to get to know all of you better."
Again, all she gets in response are a few curt nods, and it's hard to tell if their silence is due to disinterest or shame.
"Alright, let's move on," Paul says, trying to diffuse the tension. "Now we'd like to assess some of that acquired legal knowledge you mentioned earlier, if you don't mind."
Donna nods in agreement. So for half an hour, the four partners pepper her with questions. About the operating budget. Terms of engagement. Hiring procedures. Compensation policies and contract disputes. She's seen and heard it all and she knows exactly what to say.
She observes their reactions gradually transform from skepticism to indifference to grudging respect.
Finally, when she's starting to wonder if they'll ever let up, they glance amongst themselves, sharing a silent conversation. Paul gives the others a slight nod and clears his throat.
"Well now, Donna, this is our last interview and you should know that we've seen some candidates with very impressive résumés. Lawyers with MBAs—Harvard grads, considerable experience—you know, the whole package. We would not consider someone with your CV qualified for such a position, and so…"
Her heart sinks at Paul's words, tuning out from his speech as she prepares herself for the disappointment. She knows she's done her best but the odds were stacked against her from the start, and it feels cruel and unfair that a piece of paper would be valued more than everything she brings to the table, but as Mike had learned before her, unfortunately that's the way the world works.
She forces her attention back to the conversation at hand, finding Paul still in the midst of his monologue.
"…but like I say, we're very glad we looked beyond that because you're certainly the most impressive in person. So we're prepared to offer you the position, assuming the terms are acceptable to you…
What?
"...John in HR will sort out the contract and salary details and of course, as you would be a member of the firm's senior management there's the matter of the buy-in…"
Now, she can barely focus on the words Paul is saying for a different reason. This is really happening? She'd actually done it?!
She somehow manages to recover enough to calmly smile and thank them for their time, letting them know she'll consider the terms of the offer. Although she's bursting with excitement and pride, she's determined to remain a poised professional to the last moment. After shaking their hands and waiting for the partners to exit the room, she lets out a 'Yes!' and a small gasp of relief to the empty room.
Of the many people Donna can't wait to share the news with, there's no doubt in her mind about who will be first. The person she's most excited, and also the most nervous, to tell.
She gathers her things and heads for the exit, stopping once at the door to glance back at the scene of her triumph. When she makes it back to Harvey's office and finds it empty, she feels a twinge of disappointment that only grows as the minutes pass without any sign of him. She'd stupidly thought that he might be waiting for her after. That he'd want to hear right away how it went.
You're ridiculous, she thinks. He has clients to see and meetings to attend and clearly can't be planning his whole schedule around his secretary's interview. For a job that would take her away from him.
She curses herself for letting something so silly affect her. You just got promoted! You got everything you wanted! "Smarten up," she mumbles to herself.
Looking around her cubicle, she thinks back over every milestone they had celebrated here, all the moments and days and years she'd spent living in this gray box. Yes, living. It had never been just a job, and that was the reason she had felt satisfied there for so long. But it had always been a situation with the promise of something more, and her restlessness had grown with every year that only brought more of the same.
Finally managing to tear her mind away from Harvey, she texts Rachel and Louis the good news, then remembers they're both tied up in court all afternoon. She thinks about popping by Mike's office, but figures he's off somewhere with Harvey working on the Stillman deal. So she busies herself with tidying her desk, anything to distract her from the empty office across the hall. But it proves impossible as he's simply everywhere—practically every item holds a memory of him, or them. The paperclips they'd used as a substitute that one time when no thumbtacks could be found ('You're tarnishing the sanctity of the can opener, you know'). The festive stationery he'd given her for Halloween one year ('I don't know why I'm encouraging you, no one should love holidays this much').
A wave of memories washes over her and she starts to feel something between guilt and regret, tormented by the thought that she's leaving the person she cares about most—when she knows that's the one thing he fears more than anything.
'As far as I'm concerned, two adults who care about each other don't move on at all.'
Except that adults who care about each other move on all the time. Not too long ago, she'd made the choice to move on from a man she cared about, because she couldn't see a future with him.
This wasn't so different. She couldn't see a future working on Harvey's desk anymore, so she needed to move on.
But the idea of not seeing him every day, of working on her own without his constant comforting presence, is still daunting. He'd once told her he didn't want to find out what kind of lawyer he'd be without her. And now, she has to figure out what kind of COO she is, without anyone to guide her.
He'll be just down the hall! she scolds herself. Stop being so overdramatic and start being the badass female executive you've just proven yourself to be.
Deciding there's no reason to drag out the process of moving on, she begins to sort her things into piles: to discard, to move to her new office, or to leave for her successor.
She starts to wonder then about who her replacement might be. Perhaps another confident, headstrong young woman who would have just as much ambition and never be afraid to put her boss in his place. She smiles at the thought of how far she's come and makes a promise to herself right then and there—to never let Harvey, or any other man, decide her sense of self-worth.
With one last nostalgic glance over the view, she picks up her purse and readies herself to head home. Just then she hears footsteps and looks up to see the man who's been occupying her thoughts approaching. Cursing the way her mood instantly improves, she takes a deep breath to calm her ridiculous racing heart.
"Donna," he says, almost breathless with anticipation, his eyebrows knitted with worry. "How—how did it go?"
There's so much apprehension in his face that she can't help but give him a reassuring smile. "Well…say hello to your new COO."
"What! You already—oh my god, Donna!" He runs his hand through his hair and then makes a sudden arm movement as though he was going to reach for her, but ends up resting his hand on her cubicle wall instead. "We need to celebrate. Right now."
Somehow, seeing him truly happy for her makes it feel more real than when the partners had told her in the first place.
"Drinks, my office?"
It's the last thing she needs right now, when she's trying to be clear-headed and rational about her decision. Every evening encounter between them feels like it's bordering on something illicit, as though if they dropped their guard an inch or two it would fall all the way and expose everything that remained unsaid between them.
And yet, the fact that all of these evenings ended the same way—even with the encouragement of copious amounts of alcohol—left her wondering if this feeling was entirely in her imagination, a concoction of her mind from the dangerous combination of too much whiskey and repressed longing.
"I'd love that," she agrees, against her better judgment. Apparently, she still likes to torture herself.
She puts down her bag and follows him inside. It's evening now and the night sky is glowing with the city lights. For the first time, she realizes she'll have a view of her own after so many years of seeing the world through his, and she can't hold back the giddy smile that forms at the thought.
He puts on one of his dad's records and busies himself with the decanter and glasses. She knows he always chooses his father's music for moments of emotional significance, and that thought alone makes her nervous for what's to come. She makes herself comfortable on the couch—as comfortable as she can be when she's drinking at night with the man who had panic attacks the last time she decided not to work for him anymore. The man who's her former lover and is about to be her former boss, leaving them as current…well, she's not sure what they are, exactly. Colleagues, she reminds herself.
"Cheers. To our new COO." Turning in her direction, he finds a seat on the couch beside her and hands her a glass. His fingers graze along the back of her hand as she reaches for it and clinks it against his, and she thinks they linger slightly longer than necessary before pulling back.
Then the moment passes and she decides she's being ridiculous, overanalyzing minute gestures for any hint of meaning. It had gotten her nowhere in the past twelve years, and that surely wouldn't change now.
"Donna…" He looks down and swirls his drink, pondering his words. "I'm still coming to terms with the fact that you won't be outside my office every day. But I want you to know that I couldn't be more proud of you. You're going to do an amazing job."
"Thank you, Harvey." She smiles gratefully.
"So, tell me everything...what did they ask you? How did you find out you got the job?"
She tells him all about the interview, leaving out the frustrating moments that would anger him on her behalf and disrupt the celebratory mood.
"I knew you could do it." He says it in the soft tone that's her absolute weakness and she needs to escape to solid ground before the situation gets any more dangerous for her heart.
So she gets up in search of a refill and changes the subject as she pours them a second drink. A large one. After all, they are celebrating. "So, how was your day? Busy afternoon?" she asks as she hands him the glass, aiming for casual nonchalance.
"Well...I told Louis that I'm going to take over as managing partner."
It's not a surprise, but a relief nonetheless. "I'm glad, Harvey. It needed to be done."
"I guess so."
"How did he take it, though?"
"Pretty well, all things considered."
"I guess it's a celebration for both of us, then." She smiles, thinking back with pride on how far he's come as well, from the mailroom to the managing partner's desk. "Are you going to take her office?"
"Do you think I should?"
"It's not my decision."
The corners of his mouth curve into a gentle smile. "Doesn't mean I don't want your advice."
"Well then, I think you should. You deserve it."
He looks down at his hands, and a touch of sadness creeps into his voice. "I can't help thinking it would be better to leave it empty, in case…"
He trails off, and Donna finishes the thought for him. "In case she comes back?"
"I know, it's stupid."
"It's not stupid, Harvey. We all miss her."
She remembers then that the office next to Jessica's is also empty. She wonders if he's thought about that too. And she wonders if it just might be too much change, all at once.
"Harvey," she hesitates. "Are you sure you can handle…first Jessica leaves and now I'm…"
"You're not leaving, Donna. You just won't work for me anymore."
"But last time—"
His eyes flicker with a trace of past pain, but it's gone as quickly as it came. "It's different now. I'm not the same person I was then."
She feels a sudden desire to reach for his hand, to show just how much he appreciates that, but she suppresses the urge, keeping her hand firmly wrapped around her glass.
"You were right," he continues. "I do have a family that cares about me. And you helped me make peace with them and now I don't have to keep looking to my work family to fill that void."
Waves of emotion swirl through her as she tries to make sense of Harvey's words. She'd always wanted Harvey to reconnect with his mother. There had been a time when she'd thought, if he could ever make peace with her, it would mean that he was ready. For a relationship. For a family of his own. For them. But in the last few months since he'd come back from Boston, as nothing had changed between them, she'd had to face another possibility—that he simply didn't need her anymore.
"You're always right, you know. About everything," he says softly.
"I'm not."
He smiles. "I don't believe that."
"Well, for one, when I asked to come work on your desk, I thought I'd only be there a few years before becoming a full-time actress."
"So what happened? Broadway lost its charm?" he teases.
"You," she answers, like it's obvious.
It appears that it hadn't been obvious to him. His face falls slightly. "Donna, I never meant to hold you back…"
She shakes her head. "That's not what I mean. Don't you see? Everything I have today is because of you."
"You deserve it all," he says, with a quiet intensity that makes her head spin.
Once again it's her cue to go for the decanter to escape his searing gaze. A third glass of scotch is starting to enter a different kind of dangerous territory, but at least it gives her somewhere to look and something to focus on that isn't him.
He gets up too and takes off his jacket, leaning it over the back of his chair. He's wearing her favorite navy blue vest, and if she was finding it hard to ignore her desires before, it just got ten times harder. Great.
She occupies herself with pouring their drinks. "You were right too," she admits.
"About what?"
"It felt good, having to work for it. Feeling like I earned it."
"With those four in charge? You fucking earned it, all right." He beams at her, and she feels her face flushing as she passes him the glass.
"And thank you for giving me the chance to prove myself. I'm sorry I doubted your judgment."
He shakes his head, rejecting her apology, as she rejoins him on the couch. "No, I understand why you did. I just...had faith in you."
She looks into his eyes, trying to convey how much that means to her (or maybe how much he means to her). It's dark and it's quiet and it doesn't feel like they're in an office anymore, and she has to work extra hard to remind herself that they're just two colleagues having celebratory drinks at work. She finally tears her gaze away and they sip in silence for a few seconds before he sets down his glass and angles his body to face her.
"So…you got it. Something more."
Her heart starts to hammer against her chest. She thinks about his look of terror when she'd first used that word in this office. Despite the admiration that seems to be radiating from him tonight, she reminds herself that he still hasn't shown any sign of crossing their boundaries.
"I think so," she hesitates. "I guess I'm still processing what it all means."
"But, uh…this is what you meant, right? Your career?"
"Yes." It's half the truth, so it comes out easily. After all, they've been doing this for a long time. It's a self-preservation thing. Better to hurt herself than be hurt by him.
But in the back of her mind, she recalls the famous saying: half the truth is often a great lie.
"I'm happy for you, Donna." His smile doesn't quite reach his eyes, and she starts to worry about him. Somehow, despite her new resolution to put herself first, she still couldn't help but care more about his well-being than her own.
"Are you sure you'll be okay? With me not working on your desk anymore? I can stay a few weeks—"
"No, no, don't worry. Start as soon as you like. I'll miss this, but I'll be okay," he says, his voice cracking with emotion. "We had an amazing run, didn't we? But I'm not sad about it ending because I'm focusing on how happy I am for you."
"I really appreciate that, Harvey."
"Of course, Donna," he says in a low voice. "All I want is for you to be happy. Whether or not that takes you away from…" He doesn't finish his thought, instead taking a swig of his drink, his knuckles whitening as he clutches the glass.
The last word of his sentence is crystal clear anyway. Me. By now, she suspects that both of them would rather be holding each other than their glasses of scotch. But she needs him to make the first move because she's always promised herself that she wouldn't force Harvey into a relationship before he was ready, certain that it would end in disaster that way.
Somehow their safe distance on the couch had evaporated as their bodies subconsciously sought the intimacy that they would never allow themselves when sober. Close enough that he could lean in and kiss her if he wanted to. And tonight, she wants him to.
But of course, he doesn't.
Instead, his knee brushes against hers and he startles, standing up abruptly.
"I'm sorry, I should…"
"Go?" she finishes for him, trying to mask the disappointment swimming beneath the surface. She sighs. So scared of what could happen that he has to run away from his own office to get away from her. "I'll save you the trouble."
So she stands too and quickly turns away, hoping he won't see the tears beginning to form at yet another almost. The saddest part is that she keeps falling for the fantasy of it being anything more than that.
"Donna, I didn't mean to—"
"It's fine, Harvey. Goodnight."
Before he can come up with another half-hearted excuse, she's gone.
The fact is that she and Harvey are both people who like to be in command of every situation, neither one willing to relinquish control, to give in to the unknown.
And so, the status quo held, just as it had the night before and every other night before that for the last twelve years. Desperate to preserve something that is only a shell of what it could be, if they could just let go.
Maybe someday they'll start finishing their sentences.
But for now, she'll keep writing her own story.
※※※