A/N: Hello all! I didn't realize until I logged into the FFN that it's been more than three months... I'm sorry for the wait! For those who are still following the story, it's just been a completely chaotic semester (yes, I'm a student-and, for the first time, a bit exhausted from studying). This is just a small chapter; I didn't realize until I got into about eleven pages of Word document that I would have to split the chapter. But that means that the next one is coming soon!
A recap because it's been so long: Alex's mom is on an Order mission, but presumably missing; Alex consequently spent the summer at Potters, building an unlikely friendship with James. The last chapter ended with them catching Regulus and the gang at Knockturn Alley, but the trio are interrupted when Alex's father appears out of nowhere. So many devices coming out of nowhere...
It was the most sun-lit summer Alex ever spent. The Potter residence was removed from all presence, Muggle or magical, and all there was to do was to read in the library, play Quidditch in the nearby field, or, in Black's case, fix up the motorbike from which he parted reluctantly on September 11th, when the entire family flooed to the floo station nearest to King's Cross in London (Alex didn't know that people could do that).
"Eat three square meals a day… Drink lots of water…" Mrs. Potter said, tearfully kissing her son's cheeks. James looked slightly abashed to receive his mother's love for the first time, looking around the station uneasily. Black rolled his eyes.
"Honestly, Mum, you know I will," protested James.
"Balanced meals," Mrs. Potter, Black, and Mr. Potter said simultaneously, all familiar with the routine. They burst out laughing.
Alex watched the entire exchange with a small smile. Living with a family like the Potters—it was an entirely new experience. She didn't know what it was like to have a whole family under one roof—it was always between her mother and her—that cared for each other, and watching Mr. and Mrs. Potter interact with each other and their son made her wonder if every family was so full of affection and trust. She sometimes caught Black watching them wistfully as well, and knew that his experience with was as different from James' as hers—or Regulus', really. The little brother that no one mentioned.
"You'll take care, won't you, Alex?" Mrs. Potter said to her with warmth that still threw her off and made her uncomfortable.
"Yeah, yeah, I will," she said, awkwardly returning the old woman's hug. "Be careful. With everything, I mean." Mr. Potter patted her on the back.
"Bye!" Sirius shouted as they boarded the train.
"See you in a few months!"
"Stay out of trouble, and—"
"Honestly, Mum!" James' embarrassed protest left them all laughing, but Alex saw Mrs. Potter lean against her husband, dabbing her eyes with her handkerchief. She didn't know how to make them feel better…
Ahead of her Black turned toward her, about to say something.
"Alex! Thank Merlin," Leila entered the hallway frantically, her eyes wild. "How was your summer? Great? With the Potters, it couldn't have been that great. No offense, Potter, I was talking more about Black. Anyways. I need to talk to you. Let's go inside." All of this was said without a single response from anyone else.
"Hi Leila," Alex said drily.
"Parkinson," Black said contemptuously before entering an empty compartment. James grinned at her and clasped her shoulder.
"See you around, Alex. Parkinson," with a stiff acknowledgement (Alex supposed that Quidditch gave Leila and James a common ground) he entered the compartment as well.
"Well, well," Parkinson said. "Good that you and Potter are talking. I need insight into the Gryffindor team strategy and he wouldn't talk to me in the past."
"Good to see you too," Alex said, feeling the train lurch into motion. "I need to go to the prefect's carriage soon."
"Fine," Leila said, dragging her suitcase into the compartment. "But we're talking afterwards."
"We're not sitting in the Slytherin carriage?" Alex asked. Leila paused, a wild look in her face.
"Um, no, not today," she said, uncharacteristically hesitant. Alex frowned.
"Wouldn't that be, you know, too suspicious?"
"I don't really care what that lot thinks anymore, to be honest," Leila said. "Especially if it means that I don't have to see Rebecca Goyle's sorry face again." Leila was searching her face for some sign of—recognition, it seemed.
"What's going on?" Alex asked impatiently. Leila groaned in frustration.
"You and Regulus haven't, you know, broken up, have you?" she said after a while. Alex felt her eyebrows soar up her forehead.
"What?"
"I meant, like, really break up, not just—fake break up."
"Not that I know of," Alex said slowly.
"Oh, well, then, it's probably nothing," Leila said lightly.
Alex raised her eyebrows even higher. "Leila, what is it?"
"I don't know what it even is anymore!" Leila shouted. "How should I know? That wasn't even on my mind ten minutes ago, if you're interested. I'm engaged!"
"What?" Alex asked incredulously.
"Engaged," Leila enunciated each syllable slowly. "Yeah, it sort of—just happened."
"How do you just sort of happen to get engaged?"
"Don't you have to go to the prefect's meeting, or something?" Leila said, not looking particularly eager to talk about the subject.
"You didn't say a word about this in your letters!"
"Well it happened two days ago, so how could I?" Leila said. "It was—just completely unexpected, you know?"
"No kidding," Alex said.
"You know how I spent most of the summer in Germany with my relatives—I mean, it was mostly boring, but there was another family in the neighborhood, Pureblood and pedigreed and all, and my parents were pretty eager to set me up with the eldest son in the family even before we went there, so I figured nothing would come out of it."
"But it did," Alex said.
Leila shrugged. "I mean—yeah, Fred's kinda nice."
"Fred?" Alex said. "You're marrying a bloke named Fred?"
"Friedrich! His name's Friedrich!" Leila's cheeks were beginning to turn cherry pink. Alex began to crack up despite the earlier remark about Regulus.
"I don't think that's necessarily better!" she said, trying not to look too entertained at her friend's behalf. Leila tried to scowl, but there was a reluctant smile making its way up to her face.
"Shut up," she said.
"Well, I can't now," Alex said. "Tell me about this Fred." Leila shook her head.
"He's just—a really decent person, really." All note of sarcasm dropped from her voice and Leila, for the first time since Alex had known her, sounded completely genuine. "Just—really upfront about everything, and honest, and smart, and he doesn't really want to play games or anything, he just likes to be by himself, and—well, he reminds me a bit of Lee, really."
"Henryk?" Alex said, surprised at the comparison.
"I mean—he was always there for you, wasn't he?" Something in the meaningful look Leila was giving her made Alex want to hide somewhere, even though Alex didn't know why.
"I suppose," she mumbled.
"Anyway, we spent a lot of time together over the summer, talking about things—nothing serious, or at least that's what I thought, anyway. But I guess he liked me more than I thought he did, and he asked our parents for permission about a few days before I had to leave for Hogwarts and—he asked me if I wanted to marry him after Hogwarts. And I said I did."
"Do you?" Alex asked, puzzled. As far as she knew, Leila wanted a career related to Quidditch—two things that pureblood witches did not care to associate themselves with—and if Fred was approved by her parents—
"I know what you're thinking," Leila sighed, sinking back into her chair. "He said that he knew we would be getting married pretty early—I mean, it's not that early for most pureblood families, but anyway—and that if I had some things that I wanted to figure out, then it would be fine if we waited a bit to have kids and stuff. But he didn't think that was a reason for us to postpone getting married, or anything—he thinks we'll be a good fit, apparently."
"Do you?" Alex asked again. Leila shrugged.
"I think he's dependable," she said. "And he respects me. He's from a good family and I know he'll be kind to me. I'll try to pay him the same courtesy. We like each other enough."
"And that's enough?"
Leila shrugged again. "Maybe it's not the heartwrenching romance you and Black share," she said. "But I think long term, yeah, it should be more than enough."
Alex considered. "Reg and I don't share a heartwrenching romance," she said.
"Sure, sure," Leila said. "That's why you keep your relationship a secret from everyone else… Anyway, don't you have to go to the prefect's carriage, or something?"
The news of Leila's engagement distracted Alex enough to keep her being chastised from the dirty look that the head boy and girl gave her for arriving late. They were all—sixteen. Turning seventeen. Alex supposed that even in Muggle communities, girls who didn't have a professional life planned married pretty early, and wizards turned adults at seventeen. But even then, to be able to trust someone enough to make a commitment like that—meant that Leila must have seen something in her fiancé to say yes. The ugly doubt reared its head and asked if Regulus had ever asked—but didn't he imply, more than two seasons ago, that he did want to think about building a life together with her? Saying all sorts of things, like two years weren't that long, and that his parents would eventually come around, and—and if he really wanted all that with her, how was she supposed to explain the lack of letters this summer? Not one word from him, even though, judging from his presence in Knockturn Alley, he was doing perfectly well.
"Wilson!" The shout brought her out of her reverie. Several prefects were attempting half-heartedly to muffle their snicker. Alex looked up, dazed.
"Yes, Claremont?" she said to the head boy.
"Seeing as you were so late for the meeting, you can take the first patrol," Claremont said with a nasty smile. Alex sunk back into her seat.
"If you insist," she said sullenly. Claremont turned around and began to talk about the procedure after the welcome feast. Alex tried to listen, but her thoughts kept going back to Reg and how he wasn't in the carriage, even though he was never the one to eschew his prefect duties. And Leila was anxious for her not to go into the Slytherin carriage, asking if they'd broken up for good.
"Alright, you lot, you're all dismissed," Claremont said after what felt like an interminable drawl. Alex stood up quickly and stumbled into the corridor, feeling a stomach-turning sense of foreboding. What was Reg up to?
After confiscating several Fanged Frisbees and disarming a case of Dungbomb explosion near the Hufflepuff car (the third-year Gryffindors were eager to impress the Marauders), Alex got the answer to the question.
The Slytherin carriage was louder than usual when she entered, and at the source of the noise came the strong smell of elderflower mead, smoke from exploding snap, and the excited voices of sixth and seventh year Slytherins.
"Hello, Black," her voice sounded unlike hers, so strange and calm. "Care to explain why you weren't at the prefect meeting?"
Regulus vaguely extricated himself from the lap of Rebecca Goyle, looking a little smashed. "Wilson," he said, his voice thick. "Long time no see." Next to him Rebecca giggled and began to play with a strand of his hair. Alex resisted the urge to smash their heads together. Was this what they'd been up to for the past summer?
"Prefect meeting. You were absent. Explain," Alex snapped, keeping her sentences short. She couldn't openly lose her temper, no one was supposed to know about their relationship, she had no right to...
"Merlin, take it easy, Alex, won't you?" Rebecca whined loudly. "It's not like everyone has to be a stuck-up bitch like you." Several male classmates around her chortled drunkenly. Regulus remained quiet, looking down at his robes with something that resembled consciousness. A surge of rage sprouted from the pit of her stomach. That was how he was going to play this, then, was it?
"Have it your way, then," Alex said. "Twenty points off Slytherin."
"Shut up, Wilson!" Avery groaned. "Like we'll ever listen to—"
"Each," Alex added, voice artificially saccharine. "That's what—a hundred and eighty points in total?"
"It's your own bloody house!" Mulciber protested.
"And it's your bloody rules!" Alex shouted, feeling the rage get the better of her. "You've known them since first year! If you can't set a decent example, then do all of us a favour and don't flaunt your ego in public!"
"Bloody hell, Wilson," Avery swore. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"Alright, that's enough," Regulus said, finally speaking up. He sounded a little less drunk than he did previously. "Wilson, do you want to take this outside?"
"Why not, Black," Alex spat out. He stood up unsteadily and hobbled outside the car.
"We're outside, so talk," Alex said forcefully.
"Empty compartment," Regulus muttered. "Strangelyhardtofind."
"You're drunk," Alex stated.
"A bit," Regulus admitted without trying to deny it. Alex couldn't tell if this honesty made her feel better or worse.
"Because—"
"Because I feel like shit," Regulus said, opening a compartment door. He gestured her in, bowing grandly. "My lady."
"This isn't funny," Alex said, hating that she suddenly had to bite back tears. Regulus straightened.
"No," he said somberly. "No, it's not. But—please do come in." Against her better judgement she complied.
"You didn't write all sum—" Alex began, but was cut off as Regulus closed the door and, closing the distance between them, quite directly placed his lips on hers. Hard. She pushed him away.
"What are you doing?" she shouted shrilly. Regulus seemed a little dazed.
"I missed you," he said quietly.
"You missed me?" Alex repeated. "You missed me? That's why you didn't write a word all summer?"
"Shite thing to do," Regulus mumbled. Alex felt the fumes coming out from her ears.
"You think?"
"I can explain," Regulus said.
"I'd like to see you try," Alex said, crossing her arms. Regulus sat down on one side of the compartment, rubbing his eyes tiredly.
"I couldn't think of a word to say to you," he mumbled eventually.
"You couldn't think of a word to say to me," Alex repeated.
"I—tried. Really. Every single day. Trying to ask you how you were doing and—everything else. How the Potters were treating you. If Sirius wasn't bullying you. How your O.W.L.s turned out. I really did. I just—couldn't. I felt like I would have been lying to you if I did, and I—" Regulus looked at her fully in the face for the first time since they began to talk. "I'm sorry. I really am. It's just that things have been going on, and—"
"What things?" Alex asked, unsure if she wanted to really know. She didn't know if she could trust what Regulus was saying—hadn't he made excuses before? Hadn't she forgiven him for his mistakes too easily before?
Regulus' head sunk. "I'm not at liberty to say," he said quietly. Alex suppressed the impulse to stomp her feet and shout at Regulus' face.
"That's not good enough," she said instead.
"Alex—"
"You haven't written a word all summer—"
"I told you, I tried every single day—"
"That doesn't change the fact that you didn't!" It seemed that she failed to suppress the impulse to shout. "And then I find you skipping out on prefect duties—"
"It's not like you particularly like them anyway—"
"But Regulus Black I know would never skip his duties," Alex shot back. Something in her words made him shrink in his seat.
"And then I find you drunk on Rebecca Goyle's lap, and she's acting like you've been there all summer. So tell me what could possibly justify any of this, because I swear to god—"
"I joined the Death Eaters!"
For a second there was absolute, horrible silence. Alex swallowed. Blinked. Tried to wrap her head around the syllables that just came out of her best friend's mouth. Because it sounded as though he had just said—
"I joined the Death Eaters," Regulus repeated, searching desperately into her eyes. "Alex? I joined the Death Eaters. I didn't know how to tell you. Alex. Alex? Please look at me."
"I don't know how." Her voice sounded strange. Hollow. But why would her voice feel hollow? It felt like she was dealing with the news incredibly well. Whatever well meant—
"I joined the week after we home from Hogwarts," Regulus went on, still trying to get her to look at him. "It was—I knew about it, but I thought I wouldn't think about it until after the O.W.L.s, but by then it was already too close, and I didn't know how to tell you before the summer, and after that I just—and—there are just too many things that I didn't tell you, and I—please look at me."
"Reg," Alex said. "I still don't understand what's going on between you and Rebecca."
Regulus looked away. "Nothing happened," he said.
"She seems to think otherwise."
"Nothing like you and me," Regulus said.
"What are we, by the way? I'm just not clear at the moment, because it sounds like you made several big decisions without once talking to me about it—"
"They weren't your business—"
"You're the one who said that you wanted to envision a life together!" Alex yelled. "You're the one who said you wanted to—make a promise of a promise of a proposal—"
"That was in fourth year—"
"So things have changed, then, have they?"
"Yes!" Regulus shouted, frustrated. "Yes, things have changed, because I'm the heir to the Black family, and a Death Eater, and you're—" Regulus stopped abruptly, looking guilty. Alex's eyes narrowed to slits.
"What?" she asked. "What am I, Reg?"
"You're the only friend I had," he said.
"And?"
"You're the only girl I want." The hopeless look in his eyes made her want to claw his eyes out, but she couldn't.
"But—"
"But I don't know if you'll have me anymore," Regulus said. "Will you? Tell me that we can still be together, Alex, tell me—"
"Getting drunk and toying other girls—"
"I told you, nothing happened—"
"Just trying to keep everything to yourself—"
"I didn't know how to tell you—"
"Exactly what am I supposed to say to that, Reg?" Alex shouted. "That you're forgiven? What, you get a free pass because you're a Death Eater, and I'm just supposed to watch idly as you—go out to hunt Muggles and snog different girls—"
"I DON'T WHAT ANY OF THAT!"
The wild, livid look in Regulus' eyes made Alex take a few steps back in genuine fright. The sight of her walking away from him seemed to bring Regulus back to his old self.
"Alex," he murmured, taking her hands in his. Alex tried to shake him off, but she couldn't. She missed him. She wanted—she wanted to make things better. Make everything better so that Regulus was smiling and she was smiling and they were both happy. Strange, how at that moment she should want him more than she did ever before…
"I'm sorry," he whispered, drawing her close, enclosing her in his embrace, clinging to her heart with all his might. And she didn't have the strength to shake him off.
"I know," Alex said, trying to stop herself from crying again. The image of her mother and the little house she grew up in flashed before her eyes. Her mother, who'd been unofficially missing for the past six months. She was right all along, wasn't she—Regulus was never going to bring good news.
"Forgive me?" Regulus said, pressing his lips on her hands, her lips, her face—"Forgive me, Alex? Please—I need you." His eyes were desperately wide. "I need you." Their lips met. Alex closed her eyes, willing the darkness to blind her however temporarily.