A/N: I've had a lot of time to wonder where I want my characters... I know where two main ones will end up but I needed to figure out where rest will fit in. To my own surprise, I decided to make Aizen good guy in this story. Making him turn into bad doctor seemed like cliche which I wanted to avoid at any cost. It also gave me time to ponder how to create Ichigo, how to construct him to be both genius and insane. A touch of philosophy seemed to do the trick. Let me know what you think.
3rd October 2016
Doctor's log
My shifts are becoming longer with every day. It is not work time that has been extended but the amount of work I am getting from other doctors is staggering. Doctor Sosuke says that every new doctor passes through this phase, like a rite of passage that separates doctors from those who just 'play one'. Aside from my specific case, I am also being given tasks of overlooking number of other patients. In past two weeks I had to perform three resuscitation and I have never been this scared. Medical school prepares you for a lot of things but I always had senior doctors overlooking me. In two out of three cases I was all alone with nurses around me, following my lead. I didn't panic, I wasn't frozen but I was genuinely afraid for their lives. I doubt they were even aware what I did.
The only thing that keeps me sane in the place where sanity is matter of perspective is time I get to spend with Ichigo Kurosaki. I am laughing as I am writing this. The most broken man in entire asylum is the one that keeps me genuinely excited. I have also learned that he was in romantic relationship with doctor Inoue prior to him being brought here. Information was not public however, I was told by orderly Grimmjow about it and it cleared some things that previously confused me. Fortunately for me, he didn't punish me with silence because I brought it up. It is slowly becoming clear that I am horribly under-qualified to treat him. Today he touched me in such way I felt completely weak. No one, not even my brother whom I hold in highest regard, has not even came close to make me feel like he did…
Exhaustion quickly caught up with Rukia. Today is third time she had to bring back a patient from brink of death. Elder man, early sixties suffered his second heart attack and she was closest to him. Her brain has been tuned in such way that every time she would hear coding sounds, her adrenaline would burst and like a lion she would look around to determine where beeping is coming from. Though her energy was still holding, her mind was being thrown into spin like in a centrifuge. What little free time she had, Rukia spent it watching other doctors and their ways with patients. True to doctor Sosuke's words, each had different approach to the problem. For some it proved to be effective while others barely spent more than a minute with patient. It was sufficient to examine them and either confirm prescriptions or alter them before moving on. She gritted her teeth watching one doctor do just that. Is this why they became doctors?
Alas, her cold glare hasn't passed unnoticed. Like a wraith, Aizen always lurked in asylum, often surprising Rukia by appearing right behind her when she least expects. How can a man that tall move unseen, she thought… He was never without a smile, never without encouragement to remain strong. Rukia gladly took his advices as they often led to her own salvation for the day. What truly did elate her spirit was the time she spent with Ichigo. With her notebook she made her way up to level where hollows reside, devoid of any remaining personality other than that one demon that plagued them… and at the very end of hallway, he sat in his room. Legs bent up, arms resting upon knees and eyes locked somewhere in the distance. Before she would enter, Rukia always spent few minutes watching him through the small window, wondering what he is thinking, wondering if he is daydreaming about some place far away where all the pains of this world are but a myth and where he can truly be himself.
Lately she has been persistent with Grimmjow to allow her to enter the room without having to tie Ichigo. At first he was adamant about it, refusing to go against hospital's regulations no matter how much she pleaded him, empathising on words such as "policy", "liability" and "my ass". It was becoming annoying to hear him use them over and over but she knew that he isn't doing this on purpose. Quite the contrary, regardless how annoying it became, she admired his dedication and loyalty to hospital. There was a brief thought to bribe him to be silent about her entering Ichigo's room while he is unbound… but then she would be like every other corrupted doctor.
"Good afternoon, doctor Kurosaki." Rukia greeted Ichigo as she entered room, bringing her chair close to bed.
"You're back…" He said in low tone, turning head to look at her. Unlike other times when she kept her distance of at least two meters away from bed, now she was just beside it, sitting on her chair with legs crossed. His eyes twitched as he looked down at them but then he looked up at her eyes once more.
"After two weeks is there a doubt about my arrival?" She asked calmly. Lately she felt a lot more relaxed around him and often showed pleasant expression. Smile was always present, hoping that it will give Ichigo just a little bit more comfort around her. He chuckled.
"Every day." Ichigo replied as he stopped chuckling "Every day I wonder if you will come and every day you manage to disappoint me by coming through that door."
"Is that so?" She inquired "Tell me now honestly, and by that I really wish you to be honest with me. Do you really want me to abandon this case? I could get another job and we will never converse again."
Silence fell between them as Rukia patiently waited for his answer. She expected him to shoot answer at her, to say 'Yes' and then turn away like a bitter man whose hatred burns to the very core of his being. His lips moved. They were pressed one against another but they moved, as if he is trying to pull a piece of food from between his teeth. Ichigo did turn his head but he didn't answer. That alone was more than enough for her to understand him. No. He did not want her to leave. Deep down, even with his fragmented mind that talked to itself, he was still lonely. Five years of isolation from the world, five years of seeing same faces again and again has done its damage on him. His eyes said everything that she needed to know… though he looks like man of thirty years, his mind and soul were twice if not thrice the age. Old man trapped in a body of youngling.
"Well then…" She started, leaning back against her chair "I suppose we will continue to talk. How does it feel to have other personality in head?"
"What? They didn't teach you that at med-school?" He asked with a snort.
"They taught me what symptoms I need to look out for, but not how it feels." Rukia took a small pause to observe Ichigo who was now fixated on her legs. The way he stared at her at her skirt that reached well below her knees was uncomfortable but it didn't took long for her to realize that there is something bothering him. She could've asked but there are few hints that were picked along the way during their conversations. So… she took a wild guess "Do I remind you of her that much?"
"Her?" He asked, eyes snapped up to look and catch Rukia's gaze. Petite doctor said nothing and it was now Ichigo's time to take a hint "Legs. She crossed it the way you do now."
"How about now?" Rukia asked and crossed her legs other way around, letting her left one rest atop of right one. There was a click in Ichigo's head, followed by a sigh of relief that he let out through his nose. Least she could do is to not make him feel uncomfortable. She wanted to inquire on it, on his relationship with Orihime. Notes were very concise regarding her work with Ichigo. It was Rukia's assumption that she kept her own, private notes or simply didn't take ones other than absolute necessary ones. Still, this was not good time for it "So, how does it feel to have your 'demon' in head?"
For whole, long and silent minute he stared at her before speaking "Imagine talking to someone over Skype with headset on. You constantly have that one voice that is inside your head and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and then someone comes… Someone from outside… Comes next to you and asks you something. You try to push away that voice you keep hearing over Skype, you try to focus yourself on person beside you but voice never ends… it keeps talking. Confusion…" He whispered that last word and nodded slowly "You hear two voices and you can't isolate one from another. Imagine that… only the voice in your head talks against you, confuses you, does its best to… make you madder than you already are."
"And now?"
"Now I got those… umm… ant- an-…" He mumbled, shutting down his eyes hard as he struggled.
"Antipsychotics?" Rukia asked and Ichigo quickly opened his eyes.
"Yesssss…" He exclaimed, elongating the word "Think of them as volume button. The voice is still there but it's somewhere in the background… crawling, nagging but… I hear my own thoughts." Soft chuckle followed end of his sentence and he leaned head back against the pillow "I don't get enough time to be with just my own thoughts but when I do… I sometimes wonder if he is product of my mind or spawn of my soul."
This intrigued female doctor. The mention of soul and how he made sure to emphasize that word… it was not something she expected to hear.
"Are you religious, doctor Kurosaki?"
"You mean if I believe in God?" Ichigo asked, shifting head on pillow to look at Rukia. She nodded to him and after a short pause he sighed and continued "I do. Do you not?"
"I am person of science. I do not think that religion and science mix well." Rukia explained.
"So am I." Ichigo answered quickly "Doesn't mean I don't believe."
"For me it is a bit more difficult." Rukia added, her smile subsided a bit "When you look at what happens in the world, it is hard to believe."
"Then you are not looking from every perspective." Ichigo added and Rukia tilted her head in curiosity "What do you think happens when we die?"
"I haven't really thought about it. I suppose nothing."
"Can you imagine 'nothing'?" Ichigo asked, sitting up on his bed with just right arm tied at it. Unlike previous times when Rukia would feel spiders crawl up her spine, now she didn't react to his movement "Nothing… absence of something, void of everything, anything… completely empty space where nothing exists. Molecules, radiation, photons, empty. It's not just color black going into infinity, there is no black in it. Not black, not white, not blue. Nothing. Can you imagine it?"
Rukia was unsure how to take it. She truly tried to imagine but the concept of it became overwhelming and she frowned. Ichigo caught this subtle shift in her expression and he rewarded her with wide grin.
"You cannot. Do you know why? Because we are creatures that are designed to understand limits. There is limit how long we can live, there is limit to how far we can see, how much we can eat, how long we can go without sleep, how fast we can run, how loud we can scream… Our lives are defined by limits and we are utterly incapable to understand concepts such as 'nothing' and 'infinite'. It frightens us to even imagine that our conscience can cease to exist completely."
"There is a theory that God is concept made by humans to explain forces that are beyond understanding." Rukia retorted but Ichigo laughed. It wasn't genuine laugh, it sounded forced but at the same time it gave out the slight malicious vibe.
"There is also a concept that seemingly random objects with random patterns make us believe in something we thought didn't exist. How about those meteors that space telescopes found and send pictures of? There were, and I kid you not, towers. Actual towers, looked like it was made by humans of middle age while the other had a face on it. You'd say that it is construction of aliens but it is, in fact, a random formation that we connected to something we do understand. But you wonder whether or not God exist? He does. And not just as an old man with beard and a stick watching from the cloud… no no no no no… we are utterly incapable of understanding the concept of God because we are utterly incapable to understand concept of infinite."
"And what do you think God is then?" Rukia pressed with question, pondering on his words. Ichigo raised his free hand and pointed it up at the ceiling, extending only his index finger.
"One of the most basic theories about universe is that it is infinite and expands. Can you imagine that? A space that already has no limits continues to expand and with it brings another concept. As it becomes infinitely large so do we… humans… become infinitely tiny. If you believe in God's existence for just one minute you will realize how insignificant we are compared to entity that created this vast realm of existence. We are but a small creatures on a small planet orbiting small star barely out of its diapers that is a part of a cluster of stars, of a small galaxy that belongs to supercluster that is part of even bigger cluster that is tiny, miniscule part of one cloud of galaxies. And you think we are center of universe? How important are we to entity that created something so vast that keeps getting bigger?"
"I haven't really thought about it…" Rukia admitted, processing the information that Ichigo laid upon her.
"We are the creatures that are defined by limits. We know that space is infinitely vast and as far as we know, universe started with Big Bang. Rough explanation says that everything was compressed into a tiny dot which exploded and created our observable universe but no one knows what happened before it. Chances are we will never know. Some say that… our beautiful little existence will one day be compressed into another big bang to create universe all over again but if it's not true then our universe will continue to expand, infinitely moving away until the space between two atoms becomes roughly… few hundred trillion light years. And that will be the end. Not soon, no no no… many billion years but… it will happen. That or…" He stopped to chuckle "We will be way too close to one another. But answer me this… Who made it? Has it really been there since… forever? Does our universe exist since forever? We can't say, no, our brains refuse to accept something that has no beginning because we cannot comprehend that concept. Can you really look up in the sky and say that there isn't something or someone who made it? Someone bigger than life itself?"
"Maybe it is just coincidence." Rukia answered, still a bit baffled by his words.
"Ah yes, the law of infinite probability will state that if something has even smallest of chance of happening, then it will happen eventually. Let's look at life!" He exclaimed and took a plastic cup with water, taking a sip. Slowly, he raised cup and showed it to Rukia "Our existence can be explained by the fact that we are on good planet, in good location with climate events that were favorable for us to be conceived. Our creation was improbable but not impossible. What many fail to realize is that Universe is mad!"
"Mad?" Rukia asked, watching Ichigo laugh like Joker.
"Mad! Universe suffers from same disease that I suffer from. You want proof? Tell me doctor Kuchiki, what are you made of?"
"Pardon?" Rukia raised both her eyebrows up at his question. Ichigo nodded few times "Muscles, bones, blood-"
"Deeper, go deeper." Ichigo added after interrupting her.
"Tissue composed of different kinds of cells." Rukia continued numbering the basic material of average body but it didn't please Ichigo.
"Have you ever watched Inception? We have to go deeper."
"Amino acids?"
"Deeper."
"Elements…"
"YES!" Ichigo exclaimed loudly like a football fan after a goal. This managed to startle Rukia slightly but his genuine smile ensured her that it is 'right' Ichigo "Elements. Hydrogen, Helium, Oxygen, Carbon… So many elements and they were all forged in our little star."
"Yes I know that one." She smiled "We are all stardust. It is actually quite romantic."
"No no, not just romantic. Think about it. Everything in this universe exists in form of molecules… atoms… protons, electrons, neutrons… Twelve types of matter, four types of energy… neat little concoction. Focus on atoms, building blocks of matter. Everything that exists here… on this Earth, is a product of a star, be it our Sun or another star but those atoms are forged there! You are… deep down… nothing more than collective of atoms that moves around and processes everything that happens around! You are the product of Universe… no you –are- Universe itself." He laughed yet again but this time to a point his eyes became teary "You are but a thought of this Universe, trying to understand itself! You, me, seven billion more people… we are a… passing thoughts, proving that Universe suffers from worst kind of split personality disorder."
"That is amazing… when you think about it." Rukia added in low tone, unable to contain the smile that appeared on her lips. Her eyes kept gazing at Ichigo's, desperately trying to believe that Ichigo is insane… but more he spoke, less she was convinced.
"So if you are collection of atoms… how are you more alive than this cup of water?" Ichigo asked with straight, serious face as he held plastic cup, half-filled with water "There is oxygen and hydrogen. They exist in your body too so… who determines how life begins? Aminoacids? How come we have so much freedom to think, live, act and justify it as a biological action when biology cannot fully comprehend mind? If it does I wouldn't be sitting here, heavily medicated, talking to you about universe, God and life. It is my understanding that if something has a chance to happen and it happens, it is coincidence but if it happens again and again and again… then it stops being coincidence and becomes pattern. If we are alive here, then there must be another planet with life. Maybe tens of millions of planets with life and how will we explain then how they are alive and not planets? If so, then we are not coincidences, we are in fact conceived and planned out. Problem is… I do not believe that collection of atoms can walk around and be sentient while same atoms behave like inanimate objects."
"So you believe that there is more to it than just biological explanation for life? Like souls?"
"And who decides how souls are made?" Ichigo asked, leaning forward toward Rukia "What are souls? Where did they come from? Where do they go?"
"I suppose… to someone who created them." Rukia said in soft tone, finally placing every word Ichigo said where it belongs to become sensible.
"So let me ask you one final question. Who decided natural laws? Who decided that Earth's gravity creates 9.81 meters per second of acceleration? Why is that number not higher for same mass? Or lower? Why is light almost 300 thousand meters per second fast? Why is it not slower or five times faster? Why does gravity remain without mass and forms black hole? We know answers to how, where and when… but we don't know why. We still don't know why we exist or why Universe exists… but someone or something does… even if we are byproduct of it, even if we are the leftover of some bigger plan…" He sighed deeply, feeling the weight of his own words and how much they began influencing his mind "For me, it is hard to look up and not believe that something is responsible for creation of our existence. It is hard to believe that we are just a coincidence, a statistical probability and that after we die we become… nothing. God is not old man with white robe and long beard… God is something we are unable to understand, something or someone who exists at every place in universe… entity we cannot begin to comprehend with our… measly fifty thousand years of modern evolution and two thousand years of philosophy. Blink of an eye… for someone who is as old, if not older, than universe itself."
"You thought this through." Rukia added, marveling at this outburst of philosophy that poured out of Ichigo.
"I had a lot of time to talk to myself." He answered, returning to lying position "Not always do I fight with my demon… sometimes we talk. Which is why I wonder if he is product of my mind or my soul. If he is my mind then I can hope to come to terms with him… but if he is product of my soul… then what right do I have to make him fade into my sub-conscience?"
"But you wanted to kill him."
"Oh I do. I still want to kill him for what he did but… I get bored sometimes. You cannot comprehend the torment of sitting in one room all day, every day with your own thoughts. It is hell… and I want it to end…"
"We still have agreement." Rukia added, making him scoff at mention of it. Still she was adamant about it "You promised to give me a chance."
"And you honestly think that there is a chance to cure this little fragment of broken universe?" He asked with chuckle "If Universe was a person, I would be a thought he has when he goes to take a dump but realizes it was just a fart."
The thought made Rukia burst into short laugh, apologizing soon after. It really was something she did not expect him to say. She wanted to stay more but exhaustion was now catching up to him as well. His expression became sour, eyes blinked slowly and lips moved up and down with every breath he took. Medications were slowly losing their effects and he looked like a tired man after a long trip. It was amazing and at the same time saddening… how a man who just talked to her about the concept of very existence and deity could suddenly looks like he was washed up by a flood.
"Well I think we did well for today." She concluded, standing up from her chair. Ichigo didn't answer; instead he scratched his bound wrist. Next time, she will have to look into it, somehow make him talk about all the times he tried to kill himself. It is necessary, but for now… now she was content to be the person who he can talk to.
"Hey doc?" Ichigo called for her, making Rukia turn to look at him just as she was about to reach for doorknob of the room.
"Yes?"
"If it means anything… thanks." He added, showing a brief grin "There is nothing worse than conversation that starts with 'what's up'. I…" he made a short pause before continued "… I enjoyed talking today."
"You are most welcome." She added with wide smile.
"So do you believe in God now?"
"I am not sure…" Rukia said in soft tone, followed by a ponderous hum "But I do have a pretty good idea."
Ichigo said nothing. His eyes slowly closed as Rukia left the room. It was Grimmjow's job now to untie poor sod, leaving Rukia to her own thoughts. As she watched him be untied, laying there on bed as if life itself has decided to leave him, a strange thought occurred… For the first time, there was uncertainty about her current progress. He was opening up but she still hadn't gotten to the core of the problem and she knew well that something triggered his mind to split itself into two... but she was so caught up listening, she forgot her own schedule and what she was going to talk about with him. Right now, there was something else she needed to do. She needed to find his family.