A/N: I've always had a problem with this sort of thing in fanfiction, but I think I should try and write this. I have to see if I can write it appropriately and without it being too problematic. If it is, and there are complaints, this chapter will be deleted. Just a fair warning.

Continuation of the 'Her' timeline.

Very Serious Warning: Deals with transphobia, rape, and touches on dysphoria. I am not kidding when I say do what makes you safe.

She walks the four blocks to Leslie's house with tired legs, her hands shaking at her sides, and every sound makes April jump. There isn't much to see in front of her other than the faint light her phone provides, the pitch black skies holding her in a tight grip all the way, and she's glad. At least then if someone she recognizes sees her they won't notice her eyes never blinking and constantly searching over her shoulder.

When April walks into Leslie's house two hours too late, there's an unease in the air. Her boss is sitting there fidgeting with the end of a quilt, her fingers playing at the fabric, until she looks up and walks over to April. She can see the shock in her eyes, but April's entire body is still going through that itself and she never wants to close them again.

"April, you didn't come home," Leslie says slowly, "and you... what happened?"

There isn't an answer.

"Did your dad do this?" Leslie puts a hand on her cheek, touching the bruise there and makes April jerk away.

April darts her eyes to Leslie and shakes her head. Her eyes are bloodshot and there's a streak of scarlet running down from her forehead, but April doesn't say anything. She just shakes her head and walks away from Leslie, unspeaking. Dropping her bag on the floor in the spare room, April falls unceremoniously on the bed and only then does she let go.

A series of soft footfalls approach her, knocking on the door and opening it, but April doesn't let up. She curls up into her pillow in Leslie's house, trying to shut her eyes, but it's too much and she feels unwanted tears and looks up to see Leslie watching her. The other woman sits down on the bed and April moves away when she touches April's shoulder. They sit spaced apart like that and April doesn't do much other than squeeze the pillow tighter and tighter.

"Do you want me to call Andy-"

"No," April says immediately, a shiver of fear going through her. "Don't. Please, don't."

"We should go to the hospital," Leslie says calmly, trying not to elicit another frightened reaction.

"No."

There's a second where April thinks she'll be made to go. Even in her current state April can still think, and she knows what will come from that. People will know about her, and then there might be more like them, and she'll never feel safe again. Though, if she was honest with herself, being in Leslie's house suddenly feels less safe than before.

Thankfully Leslie nods and yet, for a second, April gets the same stupid thought racing through her head - it's all over. April could barely handle when he touched her as it was, but after that night she couldn't bear to think about him. It just hurt. Everything hurt, honestly, but the thought of Andy finding out made her so scared that she just curled deeper into the pillow. She could still see their faces, and the way they laughed, and their voices.

Everything was still clearly in focus and April can't decide whether she wants to sleep or walk off into the woods and never come back. Leslie sighs and stands up, closing the door behind her and leaving April alone in the dark. It feels better that way, anyways.

The next day, April doesn't go to work. After taking a shivering, cold shower she gets back into the clothes she was wearing before and doesn't think about it anymore. Sitting in her room at Leslie's place, April doesn't do anything all day. In fact, it feels to her like everything's just passing by her at warp speed and barely registering in her mind.

She listens to music, but all of it's droning and buzzing in her ears and not much else. Eating doesn't seem to be that big of a deal so she just continues to sit in her room, nothing happening. Hours pass and Leslie returns but April doesn't answer her.

"Oh, I thought you were gone," Leslie sounds relieved when she walks into April's room. "I picked up dinner and one of those croissants you said you liked."

April keeps her mouth shut, eyes focused on the ground.

"Do you want to come out and eat?" she asks her without a hint of judgment in her voice.

"Sure," she eventually gets out.

Whether she actually eats or not isn't up to Leslie, but April knew she had to put some food in her body. If she could get it down once a day then it counted, somewhat, right? So April tells herself she can get away with a little food here and there if it means Leslie will stop asking her what happened. It was too late anyways, and April knew that, so the only benefit of bringing it back up would be dragging that night back to the surface and as far as she was concerned, April didn't consider that much of a benefit.

She eats the croissant and actually enjoys it, and the thought of that makes bile rise to her throat. Taking a deep breath, she waves off the fast food that Leslie grabbed and heads back into the room. Thankfully, or maybe not April still isn't sure, Leslie doesn't walk back in. Turning her phone off was the best idea she's ever had because she knows there's going to be a flood of texts and missed calls, but she's not ready for him yet.

April isn't sure she'll ever be ready to tell him.

Andy's sitting at his stand when Leslie walks in alone, again, for the third time that week. He hasn't been able to get a hold of April the entire time and the one time he went to Leslie's there wasn't an answer at the door. He was panicking at this point, but tried not to let all the sweat give him away.

"Hey, Leslie!" he shouts after her, shooting up from his chair and chasing. "Hey!"

"What's up Andy?" she asks him nonchalantly, stopping to walk with him.

"D'you know where April's been, because I've been trying to call her like all weekend and now she's not at work," and he notices Leslie's face crumple, "and she's okay, right?"

"She's... fine," Leslie nods and Andy believes her for half a second.

"Okay," he returns because he doesn't know what else to say.

"Okay," Leslie repeats and she stops walking to turn to him. "It's not okay, Andy. Something... it's bad."

"What?" Andy can feel his chest light up every time he breathes. "What's wrong? Is she okay? She's okay, you said she was okay. She's okay, Leslie. Right?"

"She came home on Sunday and she... it looked like someone beat her up," Leslie sighs and Andy's eyes search her face for some sort of lie he wants to hear. "April told me not to tell you anything, but she barely eats and she won't talk to me anymore."

"I can't even text her or call," Andy shrugs and scratches the back of his neck. "I thought she just wanted to break up with me, but this is..."

"Here," she pulls a key off of her ring and presents it to him. "Go and talk to her, but make sure she knows you're there. Knock and tell her you're coming in. If she says you're not allowed in, don't go in her room."

Andy just nods and ignores Kyle to put up the "at lunch" sign, despite it being ten in the morning. His car almost refuses to start and Andy's ready to run the whole back to Leslie's but thankfully, after a few more tries, he's driving off to figure out what's going on.

Her skin itches when there's a knock at the front door, and April tries to figure out who it could be. The doorbell chimes and it sounds so loud and unwanted that she wants to scream no at it. The word - no - it makes her shake too much, and it makes everything real again. At least a few days afterward April could pretend nothing happened and the bruises on her wrists aren't there, but it never works.

No matter how hard she tries, and these footsteps are way heavier than Leslie's, it's terrifying and real. The door wasn't busted down and there wasn't a sound of glass breaking but April still shrivels up at the approaching figure.

"April..." and it's fucking Andy, "can I come in?"

She freezes up, unsure how to answer that. Of course he'd notice her absence at work and ignoring him altogether, but she hoped against all reality that he'd just let her be for a while. Sadly, she just shakes her head and doesn't know how to answer that. It's thankfully gentler than Andy's usual shouting and general jubilance, but April keeps shaking her head.

"That means no," Andy says into the door. "I'll just... do you want to talk?"

Stilling there, April wants to say that they can talk about it. Something tells her to be okay with Andy - hell, he's accepted her this far and doesn't ignore her when she calls him. The one time she felt safe people took advantage of that falling of her guard, and now she's sitting in the spare room frightened of everything.

"I guess that means no too," he laughs and she loves the sound but hates that she can't enjoy it. "Um, I miss you. I know it's been, like, four days but you won't answer me."

He sighs again and she can see the door bend a little when he puts his back against it. Or, at least, that's what she assumes is happening. For all she knows he's busting the door down to ask her why she won't let him have her. That night, the one when she left her class and was an hour and a half late, she told Andy he could come over when she texted him to let him know Leslie was asleep. It was kind of exhilarating, to be honest.

It felt like he wanted her then, and now that she's sitting in that room alone he must be frustrated that never came to happen. It likely wouldn't ever happen at this rate, in April's current state, and she can hear him sliding against the door now. He falls to the floor, sitting there against the door, and April doesn't move from the bed.

"I hope you'll talk to me again. I don't want anything else, it'd be cool if you'd talk to me again, but you seem..." Andy says all of this so slowly and quietly April can hear herself shaking with small sobs, "if you're okay I'm okay. I just wanna make sure you're okay."

"Andy?" April finally finds her voice, asking for him like a pleading child.

"Yeah, hey. What's up?" and he's so excited just at her answering him.

"You can come in," she tells him, crossing her arms.

The door opens slowly after Andy jumps hurriedly, and then when he sees her she can feel all the pity and disgust boring down from him. The bruise on her face yellowed the day before and it still looks horrible, the cut on her head healed but scarring, and she knows her eyes are still devoid of anything. April hates it, all of it, and wishes she could just vanish out of her body and become someone else for a moment.

That's what she always felt before continuing her transition, but now she's especially unsure that her body is actually her body.

"Whoa, April," and Andy walks forward a little too fast, his hand touching her cheek. "Who did this?"

"Don't," April jerks away from him, hating the contact. "Please don't touch me, Andy."

"Oh..." he looks down. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. You just... who did this to you? Was it your dad?"

"No it wasn't my dad," she mumbles, still looking at the same spot he was. "He's... he basically doesn't want anything to do with me anymore, so he doesn't even have the time to beat me anymore."

"April-"

"A couple guys that went to high school with me were walking down the street," she starts to say, unsure where it was all coming from. "They passed me and started talking to me. Catcalling, just dumb stuff, and I ignored them. I thought they left me alone, but they caught up with me."

"Who... tell me, April," and Andy's face is so bright red and his hands are balled in fists. "Babe-"

"They didn't recognize me. At first," April ignores him and continues, the shakes getting so bad she holds onto the edge of the bed for support, "but they did. They figured it out, or guessed it. Then..."

"They did this to you?" Andy asks, attempting to be soft even though she can still see his knuckles threatening to burst through skin. "They beat you up?"

April shakes her head, unable to say the word. Suddenly he's way too close to her, despite not moving at all, and April scoots back to the center of the bed. Curling her knees up, April tries to take deeper breaths and stop the shivering. It isn't even cold. She shouldn't be uncomfortably twitching and vibrating at every sound.

Andy's face is so damn naive and unable to figure out what she means while she continually shakes her head. He asks her again and she keeps going, refusing to say it.

"Did they do something else?" Andy hesitates, his voice almost as shaky as she felt. "Did they...?"

"They raped me," she mutters, her chest exploding with every syllable.

April stops and looks up at him. She's sure that there are tears there, and that Andy can see them clearly, and he looks so sad that she doesn't know what to do. But it isn't the kind of disappointment or pity that she expected before. Instead he only looks distantly angry, like he wants to boil over but doesn't know how to, and there's a sense of apology across his face.

She can almost hear it but doesn't want to. It's not important to her, only that he knows what to do next.

"Do you- What... what d'you want me to do?" Andy backs up but stays in the room, holding onto the door. "Tell me April... I can, I dunno."

"Leave me alone," she answers him coldly.

"What?"

"Don't talk to me, don't touch me," April says slowly. "Just... leave me alone."

"Is that... is that what you want?" and there's more than a hint of sadness in his voice.

April hesitates to say anything at all. It hurts to even think it, but having him know what happened and always knowing might kill her. She could have just ignored him and told Andy that someone beat her up. Why couldn't she do that? Why the hell wasn't she stronger...

"If you want me to go, I'll go," he mumbles and she can hear him sniff hard, holding back tears. "I'll go, but if you ever want me to come back I'll be there."

"Thanks," she says. "I don't think you should be around me, though."

"Why? Can I know that much?" Andy's so serious right now that April might actually cry again, in front of him.

"I always make problems like this happen," April wipes at her face and looks up finally. "You'll be better off without me. I'm just a nobody that everyone wants dead. I'm not even a person anymore, I'm an it-"

"Don't," Andy interrupts her forcefully, a sudden anger in his voice that wasn't present even when he asked about the boys. "You're April, okay? You've always been April, and nobody's changing that. You're the best person I've ever met, you're the coolest, and you're-"

"Stop, just stop it Andy," April raises her hand and just stares at him. "I don't want you around, don't you get it? I'm telling you that you're making a huge mistake. If I'm so awesome, then believe me."

Andy stops for a second and she watches him go from anger to a flat reaction and then eventually his face falls. It's the last thing she wants to do, but if it means he'll forget about her she'll be able to at least ignore any thoughts she has about him. Even remembering the night at all would be worth it if it meant that Andy wouldn't be mad at her. There wasn't much she could tell him in return for accepting her, but now she's even more broken.

That wasn't something Andy deserved. He deserved the whole world and more for everything he did for her, and April can't give that to him. Andy made her smile, made her laugh, and cared about her even after he knew who she had been - something she willingly told him - but she could only make him sad. She could only make him frown in disappointment, clench his fists in anger at someone else, and lose who he was.

It wasn't worth it. She wasn't worth it.

"Okay," Andy finally says. "I'll... um, I'll go. I hope you can get past this."

"I won't," April lashes back without thinking. "I don't think this is something I can get over, Andy."

"I just meant... okay," he nods, turning his back to her. "You're just the kinda person that deserves to smile."

April watches him leave and doesn't say or do anything. When he walks out she hears something out in the living room but doesn't say anything or do anything about that either. After he's left, the doors closing gently behind him, she stands up and leaves the room. Outside, in the den, she sees ripped up books.

There are National Geographics torn into pieces and magazines ripped in half. A basket that sat next to Leslie's couch is crumpled up and peeled apart. When April sits down on the couch she puts her head in her hands and openly sobs, wondering what she's done. Even so, there isn't anything that tells her to let him back in. Leslie gets back home and she's still crying, surrounded by her destroyed stuff, and she sits next to April.

Leaning her head on Leslie's shoulder, this is the only contact that she's been okay with for weeks. It's still a fraction of the comfort she'd get from Andy but April refuses to call him, some obstinate urge to stick by her admittedly stupid decision. But she had to accept her choice, just like Andy accepted her, and it all makes her continually cry like a pathetic child into Leslie's shoulder. By the time she's done April's so tired she just goes to sleep.

There aren't many dreams she can have anymore without waking up in a cold sweat.

She wakes up, shivering, and tells herself that she can't call him anymore. All the nights Andy would rush to her side just to comfort her back to a quiet sleep are gone, and April knows it.

It's all her fault.

It's always been her fault.

Hey

It's the first text Andy sees in weeks. It's small, and it's one word, but it's something. Every day Andy wants to go back and tell April she's going to be okay and that everything will be all right, but he doesn't even believe that. This wasn't something that she could just move on from, and he knows that. Andy also knows that it's entirely up to her how this is handled, but of everything he just misses seeing her and talking.

She might not ever kiss him again, but that's okay. If he got to see her acknowledge him at work again, just to look at him or let him know she's doing okay, then everything would be fine. the last thing he expects is for her to say a word to him again. So he texts her back.

For a month, April gets texts asking her how she's doing. Andy asks if she's eating, and if she still goes to Eagleton every other week, and she has to tell herself that it's okay to respond. The only way she could get back to normal, whatever that was, is to hold her head high and move on. Not to forget, but to continue anyways.

In spite of everything life was throwing at her, and she is April, she can persevere. She's capable of it, and Andy's just trying to let her know he's there to support her.

Do you wanna talk?

YES sry for caps... where?

Leslie's place. I let her know you're coming.

Okay.

Now he's in her room and April doesn't feel the need to scream at him. After days of hating herself, April was thankful for the distance. It gave her time to recollect and consider what it was she really wanted and who she really needed in her life.

"You're... is everything cool?" Andy asks her, sitting at the opposite corner of the room.

"No, but... I'm doing everything we talked about," she smiles weakly, thankful for the missing bruises and the hormone replacements giving her a body she feels more comfortable in. "So... it's getting better."

"That's awesome," he half-shouts, like he's never been happier to hear anything.

"I have a surgery next month," she mumbles, not bothering to segue to her request. "It's okay if you don't want to, but it'd be awesome if you came with me-"

"What time is it? Do you need me to drive you there or back?" Andy immediately jumps up and walks a step forward before thinking better of it and stopping. "I mean, I'll go yeah."

April stands up, smiling brighter this time, and walks over to him. He flinches and she understands that, she hated contact just a month ago, but doesn't stop herself from hugging him. It's nice, and quiet, and the hug doesn't ask anything of either of them so April just sways a little and ignores the prickling in the back of her eyes. She's almost there, and she can almost taste it, and Andy might even be there like he promised.