My hands are sweating and my entire body is shaking violently underneath him. We stop in the street as my eyes try to burst with unwelcome and anxious tears. I'm going to get rejected. He has married, he has a beautiful and loving wife, he has everything already settled in his life. I'm a nobody to him, just a child. A friend.
Mytho turns me to stare at him, though my eyes can't seem to open. He urges me to open my eyes, with his thumb rubbing against my cheek. It isn't a romantic gesture, it's less affectionate than that. But it's more intimate than that of friends. I open my eyes and stare up at him, his gold eyes glinting and his mouth pulled into a smile. It seems perfect at this moment. Mytho finally snuggles me closer under his arm, starting to walk again. "You're not very good at hiding your feelings, you know?" Even though his tone is jovial, I hang my head low, defeated. I nod slowly at his comment. He squeezes my shoulder very gently as the academy comes into view.
"I've known since we met. You were always at my performances. It was reassuring to have that," Mytho starts, his voice still smiling. "But you never approached me. It felt strange, I'll be honest. You were always there, and it felt good to have someone who supported me. I probably would have been with you if you had tried to ask me out." Mytho squeezes my shoulder again as we reach the gates, opening them. "You're very sweet and gentle. You are amazing when you do your best with ballet. And from what Fakir has written to me, you are very independent and sassy," I feel myself getting more nervous with each passing word. Fakir is telling Mytho about me? What could they possibly be talking about?
"R-really? What does he say?" I look up at Mytho, not sure if I want to know what Fakir thinks. Mytho releases his arm from around me, noticing Fakir, nose deep in a journal.
"Why don't you ask him?" I finally feel my heart drop, attempting to try and bolt back to my dorm, but Mytho calls out to Fakir, and I freeze up. His glare on me beats into me, an iron rod on my being. He turns his attention back to Mytho, smirking and pressing his journal under his arm. Despite his smile, hes still rigid and tense, shoulders risen, and sweat rolling down his forehead. Mytho smiles and they chat idly for a moment before I try and slip away from them both.
"Fakir, why don't you tell Ahiru about the things you've been writing about?" Mytho pulls me back, holding me close to his side. Great, no way to escape now. I watch Fakir's cheeks turn a light pink for no longer than a moment, but it was still long enough for Mytho to jab him in jest. "Maybe not those things, but some of the other things."
Fakir's eyes drift back to me and he furrows his brows, almost hissing his words. "You're incompetent to the point of secondhand embarassment." Venom sinks under my skin. I turn pale and nod, before rushing to my dorm, breaking completely free from Mytho. It's very clear I'm nothing more than a speck of dust to Fakir. Every single kind thing was a sham. The world melts around me, and I slink inside my room, slamming the door shut.
This panic isn't warranted. Why does this hurt more? What about Fakir saying he hates me now so much different than the past times? I have always known he hates me. I have known for so long. But this pang in my chest is overwhelming. The soft feelings I started having for him were immediately shot down. I realize now that I'm just like every other girl in his class. I'm just better at lying than they are. I feel a fist beating against my door, Mytho's voice is speaking but the words aren't discernible through my sobs. I don't open up. I don't let him inside. I don't want the justification.
Three long days alone. No interaction aside from barely seeing Lilie and Pique for minimal lunch. This afternoon is different, though. I need to leave the academy again. My legs carry me out with little more than my knapsack, a pair of shoes, pants, and a long sleeved shirt. It's warm and no one can stop me. A look from across the courtyard pierces me, and when I glance back, I notice Fakir glaring me down.
I keep walking. He has no feelings for me, and I'm still suspended from the school. He can't control me. At least not now. I march off into town, towards the quiet serenity of the town library, somewhere I had never fully explored. I just want to clear my mind, or maybe even search for something. The inside of a rustic building smells like dust and sage knowledge. The sound of new books cracking open, and the soft hum of people breathing out of sync with each other.
I settle inside, gravitating towards the fiction section. I pull out an old story book from the top of the shelf, The Prince And The Raven. It was always a safe haven for me as a child, despite the relatively sad ending. It was about a Prince locking away an evil Raven, and shattering his heart as a way to keep the raven at bay. We did a ballet rendition when I was still a first year. I played a bit part, but it stuck with me.
Princess Tutu. I was the only one who auditioned for her part, but I put my heart into it. Mytho, Rue, and Fakir all noticed me, but none of them really seemed to care. It had taken weeks of working with them, almost to the point of working against them, before I finally managed to perfect my dance. In front of the entire academy, I managed to do something very few freshmen had gotten to do. And alongside the Prince of Gold Crown Academy, no less. The performance wasn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but it was nowhere near poorly done.
I continue reading the story at an empty desk, the words and pictures taking time to sink into my mind. Then finally, she appears; the princess. The six sentences that she inhabited still stick with me:
"And thus she helped to save the Prince's shattered heart. The Prince was thankful, but she had done her part. 'Who are you?' The Prince did ask, confusion clouded his mind. The girl smiled, and softly spoke 'I'm Princess Tutu, my prince, and I love you as though you were mine.' And with that, she disappeared, a single speck of light. And though the Prince was disappointed, he knew there was still a fight."
The story isn't over, but I close it anyway. Her existence was just depressing, to live and die for just one person. Everyone forgot her so easily. I stand up and place the book back on the shelf, though this time I feel a pair of eyes follow me out. I try and shake it off, even with a glance over my shoulder showing no one's looking at me. Treading out of the library, I slink back towards the open valley I had seen Fakir in. My heart thuds at the idea of him seeing me, though as soon as I enter, there's no one. A long sigh leaves my lips as I step into the field, and strip from my clothes. The plain white unitard the school had provided me looks so much more dull in the plains. Unzipping my bag, I pull out a long pink tutu. I let it hug my waist as I breathe in, pulling out the correct ballet sheets. I begin placing my feet down for temps levé. The soft grass under my feet still has a thin layer of dew, leaving the pads of my feet slick. Though even with this newfound issue, I still try to balance in my form.
Balance is lost almost immediately, and I faceplant into the grass, my mouth filling with the dirt and my face stinging as I pull back. Even so I try again. I feel myself quaking though I breathe in again, repositioning. My feet position, one behind the other. I try and lift my leg above my head in the air, though my knee crumbles as I try to land. I notice the green stains on my uniform and internally cringe, knowing I'll have to clean this as soon as I get back. Though I position one last time, toes and feet aching at this point. One more deep breath. I stare off into space, finally prepared to try. Though I see a familiar shape in front of me, peering in from the woods in front of me. His smirk is unforgettable.
"Well well well, if it isn't the little fox from behind bars. Decided to come out of your cage and perform a little show for me, did you?" Victor snarks, walking towards me. I quickly grab my knapsack and begin cowering back. I can outrun him at the least. He walks a bit closer, and I carry myself back, throwing my backpack over my shoulder as I try to find an easy exit. It's just him so it shouldn't be that hard to escape.
"What do you want?" I try and sound intimidating, though my voice cracks almost instantly. Chuckling, he is in front of me within seconds, circling around me as though I was a sick animal, ready to be devoured upon death.
"We started off on the wrong foot, don't you think? I just want to change the impression I made." He faces me finally, though not eye to eye. Towering almost two full feet above me, I can't really help but see him as a predator. "I'm Victor, and you are Ducky. That's all we really know about each other," He smiles and holds out his palm to me. I cringe back, his hand sullied with the actions I know he's done.
I hesitate, pressing my palm into his. "That's all you need to know," I start walking back out of the clearing, though I feel Victors arm wrap around my waist and tug me into him. I squirm a bit, though his fingers sink in.
"Take this as kindness, I'm going to walk you back to the school. If you keep wriggling," He leans down into my ear and growls. "You might not like the outcome, Duckling." I freeze, all color draining from my face. I nod and listen to him, if nothing else for my own safety.
"You're rather beautiful, you know that? You look so youthful in this little leotard of yours." He tugs at my strap and walks me towards Gold Crown. I whip my shoulder forward.
"It's a unitard." I say, still curt with him. He smirks and leans into me a bit more, kissing my cheek.
"Whatever you say. It makes you look older than you are. I bet you've never even had a boyfriend." I see the gates and my face lights up. I briefly nod, staring at the gates while staring at the students who are enveloped in their own lives. I manage to pull myself away from the Wolf, and into the school. I sprint towards my dormitory, needing to shower. I don't even care if that means other girls will see me, I just need to wash his hands off me. I can hear his barks from outside the campus, but I don't even care anymore. He can't hurt me here, in the academy.
I cram myself into my room and stare at the window, before grabbing the stash of bird seed that I keep under my bed. I open the window and lay out the food for them. I watch as my bird friends flutter in, eating everything I have. Their chatters and chirps make me smile. I wish I was a bird, I think to myself. A duck would be most fun, probably. I pet the top of one of the birds head, as he twitters and tweets about.
After my shower, I sit inside Pique's room. She had invited me in earlier, and I finally decided to take her up on it. I lay on her bed, groaning loudly at the ceiling. Pique doesn't even seem to be surprised by my groaning.
"Oh Ahiru, you're a dummy sometimes." She strokes my hair as I lay down and murmur. "Love is a tricky thing, and putting your love on someone who's unavailable." I look over at her, and furrow my brows. I think to retort back, but instead just rest my head on her lap.
"I don't think I love him. He's not my type, I don't think." She pats my forehead very awkwardly as I keep reiterating it. I don't think I like him. But I can't say I don't know, because I do know. I gave all my happiness to a couple brief moments of kindness, and naively thought he cared. Why should he care? I listen as Lilie enters as well, sitting up and listening to her dote on me, about how cute I am when I'm broken hearted like this. Not exactly comforting, but at least a bit more in line with normality. I finally lighten up a bit, as we begin talking a bit more about the upcoming Pas De Deux we have to do in class.
"Pique is going to be Juliet and I'm going to be Romeo! It's going to be great, and then we can actually kiss in front of everyone, and not get yelled at!" Lilie practically bursts into light at the mere mention of kissing Pique. I watch as Pique turns a shade of red, nervously reminding Lilie that it's just a performance, and Katt might become suspicious if they were to kiss in front of the whole class.
"Yeah but you also have to keep in mind that it's just a test to determine how well we can perform with a partner." Pique chirps, starting to pat my stomach now. I listen as they bicker over if they're going to kiss or not, but I zone out halfway through the argument. Images of Fakir creep into my mind, those cryptic words still prodding at me.
"You shouldn't trust me," He growls. I know I shouldn't. I should not have even given you the time of day to treat me that nicely. Getting my own hopes up just to knock me down and rub the dirt in my face. What did Fakir even know? I didn't want to talk to that guy, even. I know next class he is going to drill into me. I think over that phrase until an unsavory image sullies my anger, and I groan again, directly into Pique's stomach. I hear them both giggle, both petting my head and providing soft words of encouragement.
"You should practice in the hall, Ducky, or else you're gonna get rusty, and then Katt and Fakir will definitely send you back with the beginners classes." Lilie pats my butt very softly, before kissing Pique very gently and heading out to her own for whatever reason. I sit up and nod as soon as Lilie leaves. I think over a couple different dances I could do, before remembering L'histoire de Manon. It's still a relatively new ballet, but it's definitely worth a shot at trying. The hard part now is just finding a partner to try it with. Since I've been out of class for the last few days, everyone has already found a partner, meaning I have one of 2 options; I can either bum off someone else's partner and make them help me or ask one of the teachers to help. I'm sure they wouldn't mind, but none of them would be thrilled to help me. I heave out a long sigh.
"Did anyone not get a partner in the girls class?" I look over at Pique, resting my head on her shoulder. She shrugs and pats my back.
"Not to what I remember. We have an odd number of girls in our class, remember? You can see if Katt or Fakir will let you pair up with one of the boys, since they have the same assignment."
"But we aren't supposed to fraternize," I furrow my brow, grumbling as she raises an eyebrow to me.
"You think a teacher is just going to let you fail just to uphold a rule like that? You should be fine Ducky. Here, I'll even take you to ask." Suddenly, I'm being dragged out of the dorm by my wrist and directly to Fakir's office. I pull back on Pique's hand, slipping free. Some hot, unwanted tears sting in my eyes as I stare at her, still a few paces in front of me. I can hear the echos of distant memories shattering into the present, and I repress them more.
"I don't want to see him… I-I… I'll wait outside his office while you talk to him." I try and stand firm, but I feel my fists and knees shivering in fear. She takes a moment, looking over me, but she agrees and instead holds my hand gently, squeezing it very softly and non-verbally reassuring me. She doesn't know, but she's never had to know. She was always able to easily infer from my emotions what happened, and never pressed.
I sniffle and watch as Pique slips into Fakir's office. I stand idly by, barely listening to the mumbling from behind the door. Just from his tone, I know he's angry. He's gruff, strict, and straight to the point. I feel my body tremble, as I listen to Pique's steps towards the door. As soon as it opens, I can see Fakir glaring at me while Pique smiles at me, trying to be sweet to me, though the pale cheeks and tense composure are a dead giveaway. "He'll allow it, but he only has one student left in the boy's class," She pauses, before opening the door a bit more. "Fakir said he needs to talk to you privately about it, though."
Every drop of blood sinks to the lowest level of my body. I have to drag my feet across the floor, forcing myself to stand in the tense room as Pique closes the door behind me. I can't even look at him. I hear him bark at me.
"You're in luck. You and Wayland are both in need of someone to perform the pas de deux with." I feel my throat tighten, the words barely whispering out.
"Aren't I supposed to be staying away from him..?" I try and retort to his point, still cowardly avoiding his eye contact. He slams his fist against the desk, and his eyes press me down back against the door.
"I know what I said." He grits his teeth, and peering up for that second I can see the malice and pure disgust in his eyes. "But I can't very well let either of you fail this class. You both need to practice together, under my supervision. If I catch one of you stepping out of line, there will be punishments on either side." He continues with his paper, writing something frantically down on a piece of paper. I feel my back shrink against the door, though I agree, mousey and quiet as usual. He waves me off. "Now get out of my office. I have lesson plans."
In Piques arms, we step inside the beautifully vast library, dancing around the empty room by ourselves. She is the Black Swan to my Rothbart as we dance here. Her dancing has always been calculated and firm. We stop and stumble, just laughing with each other. I haven't hung out with her in a bit and it is nice of her to spend this time with me. She and I sit down at one of the many circular tables, still giggling. I look over at Pique, smiling a little wider, despite a sharp pang in my chest as Fakir's dark glare harrows in my mind.
"Hey Ahiru?" Pique speaks up a bit, looking over at me before staring up at the ceiling, hardly blinking as she thinks.
"Hm?" I respond, leaning over the table a bit, trying to read her body language. She's still relatively open, though I can tell she's about to ask something uncomfortable as she furrows her brows.
"What actually caused you to come to the academy? I know you said your dad is just paying the tuition, but why don't you ever talk to him? You've been vague about it since we became friends." Her dark blue eyes stare me down, cutting to my core and sending a shiver through me. I slink down a bit, trying to find the words. After a minute of gathering courage, I finally gaze back at her.
"You promise not to tell?" The books hold so many secrets, that I know they can keep another. Pique nods her head, intently watching me.
"I guess it was just… My dad had too much on his plate and decided that it would be better if I was in a school for ballet. My mom was really nice, but she just kind of disappeared when I was ten." I start twiddling my fingers, sweat staring to bead down my chest and arms. "She didn't leave, she just… stopped existing, essentially. She was erased, almost. Dad didn't want her around, so she wasn't around anymore. We were wealthy enough to do that," I try and laugh it off for a moment, though I can tell Pique is a bit distressed by the sound of my story.
"A-anyway, my dad just wanted to erase me too around the same time, so he's sent me to this school with the hope that I'll either get famous enough for him to love me again, or to just pay my way to leave him alone again." I close, stiffly laughing at the sheer darkness of my situation. Pique hugs me tightly into her, as her voice booms throughout the library.
"Oh Ducky, that's so sad! Why didn't you say something earlier?" The loud shushing from the librarian on the other side of the room, making Pique shrink down swiftly. She asks again, but quieter. I shrug, trying to stay positive.
"It just didn't seem relevant, honestly. It was just something that is a part of me." I smile at her, walking back towards the dorms. She hugs me closely as we keep walking, listening to her coos and attempts to comfort me. Leaving her at my door, I just hug and leave her off for the rest of the afternoon. I go back into my dorm, continuing my feeding routine for my birds before laying back down. I listen to the singing of the birds as they chirp and flutter in and out of the window. There is something about telling her that blatant, boldface lie that hits me hard in the gut.
Mom didn't disappear, she just died. She died when he was done with her and when he wanted it done. He was cruel to us once he started gaining all that money. What happened to his kindness? His gentle spirit? What made him so angry all the time?
Questions keep burning in my head, ones that make me so frustrated I can't even be angry about them. I am just so confused by every little detail that seems out of place. Every little inconsistent kindness, or gesture towards me that wasn't belligerent or malicious becomes an intense dissection into his character, that leads to a rabbithole of more confusion.
I remember when I was three, there was a small family of ducks outside in the pond close to our house. Mom and I had been watching them paddle and swim around. I remember falling and hitting my head at some point. I was sobbing as my mother tended to me and the little scrapes I had on my hands.
"Oh, Aniela, whatever shall we do with you?" My mother cooed at me, petting my hair. I looked up at her, sniffling with tears trailing down. My father glared down at me from over my mother's shoulder, scoffing.
"She's clumsy like a duck, nowhere near an angel," He gruffly stated, turning away from us and heading into the manor behind the woods.
And on that day, I was suddenly Duck. Ahiru, is what my mom changed my name to, so I would be less ridiculed by the others around me. It was pretty, still close to mine. But it wasn't me.
I stare at my hand as it waves towards the ceiling, knowing eventually I will forget about Aniela, and she will fade into the memories I have lost of my childhood. But right now, I hold onto that name for dear life. I hold it close in my heart, since it's the last thing about myself I get to keep. Away from him, from Fakir, from Pique and Lilie. Everyone.