This is a gift fic for Miss Hourigan as part of the Monthly One-Shot Exchange of August on the HPFC. It took me forever to think of a good idea for this and I really hope you like it. The prompts I used were platonic Harry/Hermione, Hermione as the main character, angst, and xertz.
Xertz here is used to describe drinking as the internet told me that it means to drink or gulp something down quickly and/or greedily. The exact word isn't used but its meaning is definitely shown in the fic.
This turned out a lot longer than I originally planned, which is why is took so long to write (sorry about that!). It also has a lot more dark thoughts than I thought would be in here. I hope it helps add some angst into the story and hopefully you'll still like it.
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Build-A-Bear Challenge 2020 on HPFC
Step 1: Choosing Your Animal.
A Bear - Write about a Gryffindor
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Word Count: 2230
Warnings: Harry has some pretty dark, depressing, and just self-deprecating thoughts here. And there's drinking.
Hermione walked through the muggle streets with Ron and Ginny, trying to ignore the conversation that the two of them were having. It was the exact same argument and Hermione was tired of hearing it every other day for the past month since the Battle of Hogwarts has ended.
"He's my boyfriend," Ginny was saying. "We should try and look for him at least. He has no one in the Wizarding world. Someone has to take care of him."
"He's not a kid, Ginny." Ron snapped. "I love him too but remember how he reacted when we tried to get him to move in at the Burrow? Maybe we don't like it, but he needs time. That's the only way he'll ever come back to us. He's not going to want to move into the Burrow if we keep nagging him."
The day after the Battle of Hogwarts, the Weasleys had invited both Hermione and Harry to stay with them at the Burrow. Hermione, who was still trying to locate her parents and find a way to bring them back home, agreed while Harry had declined. When they asked him why, he had exploded, yelling that it was his fault that Fred, Remus, Tonks, and everyone else had died. He'd said that he didn't deserve to stay with the family who had suffered so much because of him. He had left immediately after his outburst and none of them had heard from him since.
Hermione didn't know who she agreed with. On one hand, she cared about Harry so much and was worried about how he was doing on his own. On the other hand, she knew that Harry needed space and time to deal with his guilt. She just wished that he could stay in the Burrow so they wouldn't have to be so worried about him.
Everyone was suffering because of the war. Maybe staying in the Burrow could help Harry feel a little less alone.
"Right, Hermione?" Ginny's voice cut through her thoughts.
"What?" she said sheepishly, knowing her mind must have wandered off. Ron and Ginny both seemed to be in a better mood now and she wondered how long she had zoned out for.
Ginny gave a her a little smile. "I said we should probably go back to the Burrow soon."
Ron frowned. "Why?"
Ginny rolled her eyes. "George is coming for diner tonight and we have to get these groceries back home." She waved the bags she was carrying in his face.
"Oh right," Hermione said. She had forgotten that George would be coming over that night. The day after Harry had left the Burrow, George had packed up and moved out as well. All they knew was that he had gotten a flat in London as going back to his joke shop without Fred was too painful. The Weasleys hadn't even heard from him until a few days ago, when Ginny had run into him and convinced him to come over.
"I guess we should head back," Ron said. He turned to Hermione. "You coming?"
Hermione paused. "It's a family dinner, maybe I shouldn't—"
"Nonsense!" Ginny said, giving Hermione a squeeze. "You're dating my brother and we all know you two lovebirds will be married soon!"
Hermione sneaked a look at Ron, who was as red as a tomato, and looked away. They were still dating but it didn't seem right to talk about marriage after everything that happened. "Not funny, Gin."
Ginny huffed. "Are you coming?"
"Maybe in an hour," she said. "I want to get some books first." She pointed at a bookshop across the street.
Ron kissed her cheek. "You're such a know-it-all." She could remember a time when the words were mean. Now they were affectionate and sweet.
Hermione watched as Ginny and Ron left the cluster of muggle shops they were in, the grocery bags swinging from their hands. She didn't really need any new books—she had enough at the Burrow and didn't feel like reading much lately anyway. However, she wanted the Weasleys to have some time alone to reconnect with George, who might be overwhelmed to see someone who wasn't in his family, even if it was just her. She could always join them later.
She looked around for something to do for the next hour or so. There weren't many shops, just a grocery store, a book shop, a small pub, and a convenience store. She edged towards the bookshop just as it started to rain. Muggles everywhere scattered. It had been a very sunny day so far and none of them would have been expecting rain. Anyone who remained in the streets hurried to seek shelter in one of the shops. Hermione was left under the rain, which was becoming a steady downpour.
A group of men headed for the pub and Hermione, being jostled by the crowd, was left at the entrance of the dingy, small Muggle bar. She frowned as she looked inside, it was awfully packed. But the rain outside was turning quickly into a thunderstorm and she knew she couldn't Apparate to the Burrow without a Muggle spotting her. Instead she decided to just stay in a corner of the pub until the storm passed.
Edging through the crowd for an empty seat, she spotted a young man, maybe about her age, sitting at the front counter. There was no nice way to put it. He looked like an absolute mess. He was shaking all over and downing drink after drink so fast she lost count after a couple of minutes of watching him. His black hair was unkempt and the shadows under his green eyes were so dark they were almost black. Hermione froze. Green eyes?
She found herself suddenly standing beside the man, reaching out a hand to touch his shoulder. Hesitantly, she asked, "Harry?"
xXx
Harry didn't know how many of these Muggle drinks he had had in the past hour.
All he knew was that he needed some way to escape. Some way to stop the feelings. He was tired, so tired, of everything.
The guilt threatened to crush him like a bug crushed under a shoe. He couldn't handle it. All that death and destruction. It was all his fault.
Every. Single. Thing.
The drinks burned his throat as they went down but he couldn't care less. He didn't care about the looks he was getting from the Muggles. Even the man serving him drinks seemed a little unnerved. But he didn't care. He just wanted to forget.
He was so lost in the drinks that he hardly noticed when a storm started outside. But it didn't matter. It wasn't like he had anything important to do. He could just stay here and drink until the storm was over. This was a Muggle pub after all. There was no one from the Wizarding world expecting him to be perfect and give another interview all about how great he was.
If he was truly great then no one would have died. He would have stopped Voldemort before it got to that.
Fred. Remus. Tonks. Colin. All of those were his fault.
And everyone else who had died for him or because of his actions.
Dobby. Snape. Dumbledore. Sirius. Cedric.
His parents.
Harry almost jumped when a hand touched his shoulder. Through hazy vision, he frowned at whoever was standing in front of him. Why couldn't they leave him alone?
But then he recognized the young woman. Bushy, brown hair and a serious, worried expression.
One of his best friends. Who had been tortured because of him and had lost so much. He had thought that she would never really want to see him again. After everything that he had done. Like how the Weasleys must secretly hate him for all he took away from them.
But Hermione was in front of him. He wondered why she was here.
xXx
Hermione pressed a hand against her mouth, trying to will back the tears that she could feel welling up in her eyes.
"Harry," she said softly. "Is that you?"
Even with the noise increasing in the pub, he was somehow able to hear her. "Hermione?" His voice sounded raw and scratchy, like he hadn't spoken in days. He swayed lightly on his seat. "What are you doing here?"
"Oh, Harry," she said softly, sitting down on the seat beside him. She glanced at all the empty glasses littering the counter. How much had he drank? How often did he come here? "Why are you here? What have you done?"
"What are you talking about?" Harry looked confused. She wondered if it was because he was so intoxicated or if he really didn't know what she meant.
"What have you done to yourself?" she whispered, her voice cracking. She almost didn't want to believe that this was actually Harry. Harry, who was always so strong and brave. He looked wrecked and exhausted. She couldn't believe that they hadn't tried to find him before. He was destroying himself.
"I'm fine, Hermione," he said, his voice thick and tired. "You shouldn't be here. In a bar. Anything could happen to you." He frowned. "Why are you here anyway?"
"I'm not going to drink," she said. "I just came to get shelter from the rain outside and then I saw you here. Harry, you look awful."
He scoffed. "Like I don't know that already."
"Why didn't you stay with me and the Weasleys. We would have been so happy to have you stay with us."
His face grew dark and he set down the last of his empty glasses. "You guys would never really want me with you. Not after everything I did."
"Everything you did. You saved us. Do you really not know that?"
He fixed her with a piercing stare. "It's my fault everyone died. It's my fault you got tortured. If I had known before that I had to die for Voldemort to die, everyone else would have been spared."
Hermione tried not to think of the way Bellatrix had tortured her and focused her attention on the broken boy in front of her.
"But Harry, that wasn't your fault. No one blames you. You did everything that you could."
He looked down at his hands. "It wasn't enough."
"So you turned to this?" she asked, gesturing around them. "Hanging out in Muggle bars, drinking?"
"I didn't think anyone would actually care."
"Are you insane?" she fumed, forcing him to look at her. "We've all been worried sick about you. You're basically all that Ron and Ginny talk about. If they knew that you were here, they would flip out."
"But—"
"Harry," she said, grabbing his hands. He avoided her gaze miserably. "We care so much about you. No one blames you for anything. We all love you. Please come back to the Burrow with me. It'll be worth it, I promise."
He closed his eyes and turned away. "That's enough, Hermione." His voice was tired. "I can't go back. I'm glad I know that you and the others are doing alright but I can't be around you guys. It's too hard."
"Harry, you—"
Harry pulled his hands from her's and stood up. He made to walk away but immediately stumbled, falling heavily into the counter. Hermione pulled him back into his seat.
"You shouldn't have drunk so much," she scolded. "I'll be surprised if you'll be able to walk."
He shrugged. "I already told you, I didn't think anyone would care anymore."
"But, why?" she asked. "Why did you ever think that?"
She could see the tears forming in his eyes. "I just feel so guilty all the time, Hermione. Nothing but this helps me forget about everything that happened. This is my only way to deal with it. Otherwise, I'd be crushed under all my emotions."
Her heart went out to Harry, who was suffering so much and had no one to help him. "This isn't the way." She gestured around the pub again. The storm had stopped and people were starting to leave. "There are other ways to deal with your trauma. We can help you, Harry. I promise you, you're not alone. You'll never be alone."
His eyes took on a strange intensity. "Would the Weasleys really want me back? After all that I did?"
"I'm sure of it," she said firmly. "You can't keep doing this: drinking and being so drunk you can hardly stand. I don't even want to know how long this has been going on for." She noticed he looked down sheepishly at that. "They would be ecstatic if you came back. George is coming to the Burrow for the first time in a month, it'd be like a double surprise. The best day we've had yet."
The vulnerable look on his face melted her. The need to be wanted by a family as loving as the Weasleys. The need to fit in somewhere, to have a place in this world. "Are you sure, Hermione?"
She stood up and reached out a hand for him to take. "I'm certain. Now, come on," she said, thinking of the Burrow and everyone inside of it. Everyone that loved her, and loved him. A tight-knit group of a created family that would always be there for one another. "Let's go home."