The night air howls in anticipation, though I'm sitting in the bathroom, hugging close to one of the trash cans in the private suite. My stomach churns aggressively, and I can't help but feel ill. Everything is spinning and my vision is tunnelled. It has to have been the long carriage ride, but something feels strange about this ailment. Fakir stands with Mytho by the front door, waiting to see if the mystery figure who had followed us was still going to try and visit.
After dry heaving what little I have left in my lungs, I finally lie down on my bed and groan, clutching my stomach in pain. It's my anxiety, it has to be. I've been under so much pressure and stress in the past couple days that my body is finally processing and reacting to it. Rue pats my forehead with a cold towel, trying to calm me down and I smile at her. She gives a weak smile back, and continued stroking and combing through my hair.
"Poor Ducky," She sighs, and I feel my stomach churn again, though it's in less agony this time. The clamber of footsteps up the stairs is a minor surprise, but Rue rushes to the door and stops them just outside. I lay in my bed, trying to overhear, but the immense ringing in my ears is enough to fill my head with nothing but a pounding ache. I catch a brief glance of Fakir from the doorframe and smile at him. He doesn't seem to acknowledge my presence, his stoic composure all I can notice as he speaks to Rue. He nods his head along to the conversation. I try and read their lips, though my grogginess gets the better of me, and I shut my aching eyes. It is going to be a long night.
It almost feels like I'm in a fever dream. Nothing is coherent and I can't seem to find the will to even process it. Everyone is melting, I'm just laying there dripping into a puddle. Something doesn't feel right. Antoinette is there. She's the single figure not tinted bright, bloody red. Her hands wrap over my waist, and I'm far too tired to reject. We dance a Pas De Deux, similar to Fakir and mine. However when she dips me, I watch her teeth sink into my flesh, and I pop like a balloon. My fingers twitch and I'm no longer asleep. My eyes are closed, but I am fully awake now. Still covered in sweat and trembling in pain, I try and fall back asleep.
The bed meshes inwards a bit and I open my eyes again, Fakir sitting on the edge of my bed and staring off into the distance. I smile at him, placing my hand on his. He doesn't seem to acknowledge me, instead staring off at the wall.
"Ahiru," He speaks slowly and softly, as though his voice is hoarse. "I need you to do something very important for me."
I nod my head. "Yes, Fakir?"
"I need you to not leave this room, alright? I just want to make no one's really following us." Fakir kisses my forehead softly, his fingers gently running over my cheek. I furrow my brows and prop myself up on my elbows, staring him down.
"Please tell me you're not going after whoever that was," I groan, knowing he isn't listening to me. He finally makes eye contact with me and hugs his arms over my shoulders. I hug him back.
"You're sick. I don't want anyone coming after you when you're weak."
"You're recovering from a bullet wound, Fakir. I'm fully capable of helping-"
"This isn't a debate." He tightened his arms around my neck and I tremble further. I don't want this to end, I don't want to see him walking out. But I close my eyes to cry. And suddenly, I'm asleep again. I feel the warm embrace of blankets being tucked over me, and I can hear my inner thoughts screaming.
"Wake up, wake up please! Aniela, please!" I feel like I'm clawing from behind my eyelids, screaming without breath, trying to do anything to wake up. Victor trots towards me, the gaping sword wound protruding from his chest as he continues to approach. I take a step back from him, my fists poised and ready for a fight. He takes my hand and leads me through a simple first year dance. Quick and easy; exactly what he thought I was.
I jolt awake and the world is starting to crash. I throw my legs out from under the blankets, bursting into Fakir's room. Nothing. I bolt down the stairs and notice no one in any of the rooms. I stop in front of the front window and stare. The timid glimpse of the moon peeking from behind the clouds doesn't help my already unfocused gaze. I can't see him. I can't see anybody, in fact. My legs wobble, and my lungs feel zapped of all air, though I still rush outside into the cold air. Stinging bits of misty air make my eyes water and well with tears as I trudge further.
"Fakir!" I scream, my voice hoarse. I watch as the trees rustle, but no voice to echo back to me. I scream again. "Please come home, Fakir!" I trudge towards the road, trying to break into a run despite my leg quaking with what little energy is left. He's out there. I know he is.
My commotion must have woken up Rue, as she was outside in a matter of seconds, clutching my arm and begging me to come back inside the house. I cry and thrash, wanting to run after him.
"He's going to be okay. You're still sick, though. Please lay down." Rue leads me back inside, sitting me down in the living room. She guides me through drinking a warm drink. I can't place my finger on the taste since I'm only using it to soothe my throat before going back out. Her voice is calming, but all the words are jumbled. Fakir is out there, possibly hurt, and I'm doing nothing to help. I feel her tepid hand on my shoulder and I shiver. It feels so much warmer than it should. The cold sweats are starting to get to me. I follow her back up the stairs once my mug is empty and listen to her pace back to her own room. I wait until the house is quiet, only listening to the vague creaking of old wood.
I leave again, much quieter now. I stare at the gravel road, trying to find any sense of where he could possibly be. I turn to the dirt road instead. Despite wanting to keel over and vomit from the double vision, I notice the footprints. Something definitive. Then I start walking.
The tracks gave out at a large field of dead grass. It was strange for it to be dead in such nice weather. The sun had peeked over the horizon and I know Rue and Mytho will be looking for me in a few hours. But I am so close to making sure he's okay, but if he had come this far…
No, I can't think negatively. I trot through the grass, listening for any sound aside from the crunching beneath my bare feet.
Rrrrrrip!
The tearing of fabric. I bolt in the direction it came from, screaming Fakir's name. I hear my own nightgown tear beneath me, smacking my face against the dry and dead grass scratches my cheeks. I scamper up, listening to the fabric tear to about my knees, though it doesn't matter. My throat burns, my lungs begging me to stop. I won't stop.
I see Fakir laid on the ground in the distance, and I see someone standing over him. She's a pace or two away, but I see her circling him, a vulture to a dying animal. An immediate surge of adrenaline overcomes me. Fakir notices and I hear him scream.
"Ahiru, go!" his voice is cracking and distraught, his arm outstretched. I hesitate for that second. Antoinette makes eye contact and I watch her stamp on Fakir's wrist. I hear him scream in agony and I lurch forward towards him.
"Stop it!" I feel myself trip again over the baggy fabric again, scrambling up to watch her coming closer to me. She's enigmatic in her expression, completely moot of emotion.
"You're truly something, aren't you?" Antoinette smirks, her face red and her eyes swollen from crying, it seems. "You think you can just get away with all the shit you've done to me?"
Fakir grits his teeth, trying to sit up. "Don't you dare fucking touch her! She didn't do anything!"
"This isn't about you anymore!" Antoinette turns to him, screaming at the top of her lungs. I take a step back, my hands raised to my chest. Antionette pulls her hair back into an uncouth bun and turns back to me. "You, Duck, have been nothing but a parasite to me. You lied about my brother raping you, you got him expelled. I was nice enough to be your friend, to give you a space to be someone, but no. You had to go out and get everyone wrapped around your perfect little finger. You had to convince everyone you were pitiful."
Antoinette circles me, and I feel locked in this panic attack. "You went around and got everyone to like you. And now, I'm gonna tell everyone that you and Fakir are fucking. And, about that thing inside you," she motions towards my stomach. "I'm gonna make sure it doesn't see the light of day."
I furrow my brows, confused. "What are you talking about?" Antoinette's head rolls back as she cackles. Fakir gulps and I peer behind her. "Fakir, what did you say?"
"Like you don't already know. They say the quickest and easiest way to get rid of that kind of parasite is a swift force to the stomach." Antoinette balls her hand into a fist, and I take another step back.
"Anty, I'm not… I'm just sick right now, I'm not pregnant," I murmur, fearfully clutching my tummy. Fakir scampers to his knees, reaching his uninjured hand towards me.
"Ahiru, just run. Please." Antoinette grips onto my wrist, and I feel my stomach collide with her knee. I gasp for breath weakly as she lets me fall to the ground. Curled into the fetal position, Fakir sprints to me.
"You bastard!" He barks at Antoinette. She rolls her eyes and starts walking off. "You'll never get away with this."
"Oh, I'm so scared. A wanted criminal and his underage bride are gonna tattle on me for causing a miscarriage. Whatever shall I do?" Antoinette gloats, I can see her smiling through the tears dripping down my face. "Give it up. They're gonna find you. They're going to hang you and Duck is gonna move on and probably fuck plenty of other men without a second thought." I curl up further and feel my insides cramping even further. The sound of her footsteps becoming more distant barely penetrates the ringing in my ears.
Fakir's hand leaves my side, and I hear his weight shift to his feet. I turn my head up, staring at him physically shaking in fear. I watch as he sprints forward, screaming before slamming Antoinette to the ground. The crash of his fists against her, her limbs flailing and kicking at him to get off, and the screams they both make cause a symphony of terrible and torturous noises. I weakly try and crawl towards them, attempting to find the strength to stand back up. My knees ache, and my stomach protests. I cough and dry heave, arid oxygen barely able to enter my body.
But the strength is still there, and I manage to do so. "Antoinette. I want you to dance with me." I stare at the both of them. Their fighting halts for a split second. I keep a confident front as Antoinette starts laughing. She pushes Fakir away with ease, starting back towards me.
"Don't invite her Ahiru, leave now!" Fakir groans, standing up. I don't budge, feeling Antoinette press her burly chest against mine. The confidence I think I have still feels like it's draining fast, but I have to keep pretending. Antoinette smiles, the wickedness now obvious behind those dark voids for eyes.
"You're serious, aren't you? What makes you think that dancing will make any of this better?" Antoinette pushes her finger against my chest. I shake my head.
"You don't have a problem with Fakir. You have a problem with me." I swallow the lump in my chest, and feel my confidence draining further. Antoinette looks back at Fakir, still laughing at me.
"Alright, we can dance. We just need to do it how I want."
"If I do better, you have to leave me and Fakir alone. If you do, then I'll go with you willingly. Just leave Fakir alone." My palms ache and sweat, but I hold out a hand. Antoinette shakes hers with mine.
"Deal. Now, why don't you show some more skin?" She rips the hem of my gown even further. I rescind myself and hear Fakir immediately object.
"No, Ahiru. You're not doing this, I'll go with Antoinette and-"
"Oh, no no, we shook on it, buster. Sit your ass down or I'm taking both of you to the authorities and making sure they know everything you've both done." Antoinette smiles as I begin taking off my clothes. My breath is shaky, but I try and take on the role of Princess Tutu again. With every ounce of courage, I let my dress slip down to reveal my body, only barely covered by a thin undershirt and a pair of black underwear. Antoinette smiles and motions me to start.
"Wouldn't you want to go first?" I nervously shift my hand over my more intimate areas. Antoinette forces Fakir to sit as well, smiling at me.
"What? So you guys have all the energy to run away together? Absolutely not."
"What if we danced together? Then Fakir couldn't hurt you and I couldn't run away." I extend my hand to her. She looks me over, scoffing and taking my hand.
"Not a bad idea, for a dumbass." she presses me back close to her, her hand against my waist and the other in my own. I nod and let her lead. She starts moving us in sync, and I feel words leave my mouth.
"Why are you so angry?" She pulls me up, staring at me face to face. Her hand grips mine a little tighter as she dips me.
"You're not stupid. You know exactly why."
One, two, three, step.
"But what did I do to hurt you?"
One, two, three, step.
"You stole him from me. You lied about my brother. You killed my friend and made people hate me."
One, two, three…
"You know those things aren't true, though. You know that I couldn't control who Fakir fell in love with. You know your brother hurt me. You know Victor was pimping girls out."
One, two…
"Even if those things are true, you knew they hurt me…"
One…
"Antoinette, you're not a bad person. I know you're not a bad person. They made you believe what they did was okay so they could hurt you more." I murmur, feeling my face now pressed into her chest, still locked in a dance.
"You don't know them like I do." Antoinette shakes her head, tightening her grip on my hand. My fingers feel crushed beneath her.
"But I know that this isn't you." I respond, trying to remind her who she used to be.
"You don't know who I am!" Antoinette screams, pulling back from me finally. She takes a few paces away from Fakir and I. "I'm not going to sit here and be told what to do by you assholes! I know where you're hiding, and the police will too! I'm done!" Antoinette stumbles off towards the road again and I suddenly feel like I'm crashing. My knees feel shattered and my stomach is suddenly churning back in pain. I manage to catch myself before I fall to the ground, coughing and wheezing. The fire is back in my lungs, and I begin heaving up anything in my stomach. Fakir immediately runs to my side, rubbing my back as I try not to vomit from the pain I'm in.
"I couldn't help her…" I murmur, resting my head against Fakir's chest.
"She couldn't be helped, Ahiru… Not everything has a nice, neat ending." Fakir kisses the top of my head, starting to stand us both up. His hand rests against my stomach, and I twinge in pain. "You shouldn't have let her be so rough with you." He pulls my dress back over me, and I try to close the large gaping rip in his shirt.
"Why not? It's not like I'm actually pregnant." I shrug my shoulders, standing both of us up. Fakir stays quiet, and I finally realize that he's not joking. "How did you figure it out before I did?"
"You've been cramping and in pain constantly. You've been sick for the past two weeks. We all thought you were just trying to deny it." Fakir starts walking us back from where I came. I stay silent, unsure of what to even say. I guess he's right in that sense, but it just felt like a fever. Suddenly her knee feels like it hit much harder. I tough it out, still directly underneath Fakir's arm. I peer up at him, timidly remarking.
"Do… Do you think she's actually going to tell people?"
"Who knows. I don't think she will." It's another long silence. I press my hand to my stomach again, still not entirely sure if there's anything in there. If there is, did she kill it? Fakir stops, pulling my chin up to stare at him.
"What if it's not there anymore?" I whimper, tears filling my eyes. Why do I feel so devastated about losing a pregnancy I didn't even know I had? I couldn't have taken care of this child, we would have constantly been on the run, and they would have been miserable. Fakir pulls me into a loving embrace, stroking my back.
"We have all the time in the world to try again. If they're safe, then we can be thankful. If not, you're still young. You don't need to worry about it until we're safe, okay?" Fakir kisses the top of my head. I nod, tears still pouring down my face. I want to keep this one though. I want to make sure they're alive.
Rue and Mytho catch us about halfway from the house. Their arms welcome us, shaky and clutching us for dear life. Mytho lifts me bridal style, carrying me back home as Rue helps Fakir continue to walk.
"Are you guys okay?" Mytho turns to stare at Fakir. I nod.
"Just tired…"
"We need to get her back to see if we can salvage the pregnancy, Antoinette ended up attacking her stomach." Fakir's tone is flat, only groaning as his hand presses to his chest. I wrap my arms over Mytho's shoulders, quaking a bit. With another sharp pain in my pelvis, I feel like that's going to be impossible. Maybe I need to accept that. It can't always work out, and Fakir and I can try again, right?
"Duck, they're stuck under a lot of muscle. Your body will take care of you." Rue strokes my hair and I smile as much as my mouth allows me to. The rest of the trip, I'm zoned out. Fakir just explains the situation, and Rue reprimands me for leaving against her wishes. Coming back into the house, I'm led back into my bedroom with well wishes. The door is left open and I can hear the adults downstairs. Fatigue sets in as I lay down. I'm so tired, so hungry, so in pain I can't even think of a time I felt like this.
My hand presses against the little ball of tension. I push down and cringe. The pain is far too much to stomach and I stop. Maybe I just need to sleep it off. But the gnawing pain of hunger and the aching of Antoinette's knee having pressed to my stomach is enough to keep me awake.
I decide to join the others, trudging downstairs in a new nightie. If anything, it's just to distract myself from the pain and to figure out what exactly happened with Fakir. As I sidle next to the fireplace, I listen intently to Fakir and Mytho.
"She had just… followed us. She must have known about Karon and waited. It wasn't just dumb luck." Fakir takes a sip of the aromatic rum and Mytho leans forward.
"What about her dad? Do you think he would know by now?" Mytho's knee begins jittering, his hands pressed to his chin. I pull my knees to my chest as I listen.
"I don't know. It sounded like she came here alone, but I can't be certain with her."
"So, are we going to have to leave again?" I ask, hugging my legs tighter. Everyone finally acknowledges my presence, and stares at one another in silence. The sound of the wind from the chimney is all that manages to keep the room from being too quiet. Rue looks out the back window and speaks up.
"You two might have to. I don't think we can help much more, without putting our own lives in more danger." Her tone is cold and flat. Mytho nudges her shoulder and continues.
"What Rue means is, we can try to help you find somewhere, but other than that, we can't help. We've already put off a performance to keep you here safely and we can't risk ourselves much more without becoming suspicious."
"Don't stress too much about it. Ahiru and I just need what we brought. I can take it from there." Fakir stands up, now walking back towards the stairs. "Let me wash up and we can be on our way." Mytho and Rue nod their heads as he disappears out of the living room. I peer over at the two of them, noticing wrinkles that weren't there before. Stress. Rue doesn't return my gaze, but Mytho sits beside me, hugging me under his arm.
"Does everything feel okay?" He glances at my stomach. I know what he means. I nod my head.
"It still hurts, but there hasn't been any blood or anything…" I lower my knees and press a hand against where I think they might be. Mytho smiles at me and pats my hand. I hear the water turn on upstairs, and I sigh. "I need to take a shower. I'll be down in a bit."
I turn towards the door, thanking both of them one more time. Climbing the stairs feels like a death wish, but I make it to the top. Instead of entering my room, I slip into Fakir's, disrobing and walking into the washroom with him. He's already naked, suds flowing down his well sculpted figure. We catch eyes and I stop. Gulping, I ask if I can join. He accepts, simply opening the glass door.
As I stand in front of him, completely naked, I see the bullet damage. His poor leg, still stitched tightly. It's starting to scar, more discolored and raised skin. I take his hand and kiss the knuckles.
"Thank you, Fakir."
"Why are you thanking me?" He pulls his hand away, starting to rub the bar of soap over my body. He lets me stand underneath the hot water as well.
"Because you deserve thanks," I wipe the short strands out of my face now. He begins scrubbing my back, kissing my neck.
"You're the one who got her to leave. You're a lot more confident in yourself than you were before everything happened." He hugs me close, hot droplets spilling from the faucet over both of us. I hug back, a question aching in the back of my mind. Maybe now isn't the best time to ask, but I do anyway.
"Do you wish that you could have changed something about… This..?" I hold him closer, watching his hand reach for the faucet and turn it off. His arm rescinds as soon as he's done, holding me close still. The only sound is the dripping faucet. I feel him rest his forehead on my shoulder before speaking.
"If I'm honest… I wish I hadn't pulled you down. I feel like I've forced you into adulthood when you're still a child. But I wouldn't change a thing about you." He presses his lips against me before turning me around and kissing my cheek. "I wish I had stayed your teacher for the time being, but… Some things work out differently."
"Yeah," I smile, wrapping my arms over his slick, wet shoulders. "I guess they do."
"Ahiru?"
"Yes Fakir?"
"I love you."
"I love you too."