Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or the Jokes.
Summary: What do the three Volturi brothers get up to when Stephanie Meyer isn't around to record it?
A/N: I suggest you read 'Buried Alive' before you read this. You might not get everything otherwise.
ARO POV:
Another boring day…
I sighed dramatically.
No one to kill, I'd already eaten them. No vampires to prosecute, because they've all been good. No friends to call, since I have none. No Felix around, he's on a mission. No life from Marcus, because Didyme is dead. No annoying Caius because - I have no reason not to… Bingo!
I glanced over at Caius who was slumped in his seat looking utterly bored. I thought of ways to stir him…
"Caius, dear brother, why do you look so glum?" I asked.
His eyes flickered to me, "Are you seriously asking me that question?"
I placed a finger on my chin and pretended to look thoughtful, "Yes, I believe I am."
He glared at me. "We have no food to eat, no vampires to kill, no entertainment. NOTHING. And you're asking me why I look glum?"
"Yes," I said, pretending to still be waiting for an answer.
He looked at me as if I was stupid. "I answered your question."
I pretended to rerun his words in my head… "No you didn't. You just listed what we don't have."
He groaned. "Marcus, he's your brother not mine. Try to show him the stupidity of his ways."
I mock gasp. "The stupidity of my ways? Oh brother dear… you're not thinking of joining Carlisle's diet are you? That's preposterous! I see no stupidity in my ways only in the ways you are considering." I huffed and turned my back on him and looked at Marcus, "Dear my favourite brother, how are you?"
"Planning my suicide so I can get away from you," He said emotionlessly.
I heard Caius snicker, "You and me both."
I pretended not to hear either of them, "That's good, Marcus. Shall we talk about what happened at the charity fundraising party yesterday?"
Caius groaned, "No, thank you. We already heard what you and Sulpicia were up to in the garden. Marcus has ordered the garden burned and to be replaced. We also heard what you did in the game room. It's being demolished as we speak and another is being rebuilt on the other side of the castle."
That little pompous! How dare he burn things my wife and I lay claim upon!
"No offence, brother, but nobody what's to touch the stuff you and your wife screw each other on."
That does it. I stood up.
"Come here, Caius," I beckoned.
He looked cautious. So he should. "Why?"
"It's okay, I won't hurt you."
"That's what you always say and then you hurt me."
"I just want to tell you something I won't tell Marcus."
He shot off the chair and was next to me in a heartbeat. I touched his hand and grinned sadistically.
Marcus sighed, "Caius, really the amount of times he does that you should have learned by now."
I looked at Caius's mortified face. "Please don't," he begged.
I sat back down with a triumphant grin and bellowed, "GUARDS!"
My guards were there in less than a second.
"Do it, Aro and I'll kill you!" Caius pathetically threatened.
"Caius loves puppy dogs, rainbows and butterflies as well as ducks!"
It went silent.
I heard Caius growl and a few snickers from the guard.
"Seriously?" asked a few of them.
Caius lunged at me, "You're dead, Paper Skin Boy!"
I dodged his attack and started trying to fight him without touching him. I'd rather not double cross with his power at the moment.
MARCUS POV:
How did I end up with two brothers such as these?
I watched as they tried to slap each other but too afraid to make actual skin contact. Aro was afraid that Caius will erase his memories and only leave certain ones he'd rather forget. Caius, so Aro doesn't know anymore then he already does.
The fight looked ridiculous and was genuinely pathetic to watch.
Suddenly, Aro stopped and suggested, "Let's settle this as the teenagers do these days!"
Caius groaned, "There's no way I'm doing that."
Aro yelled, "Yo momma's so fat instead of eating eggs and bacon she eats a chicken and a pig."
Caius roared with rage and retaliated, "Yo momma's so fat, when she walked in front of the TV I missed 3 commercials."
Aro gasped. "Yo momma's so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale"
"Yo momma's so fat, at a restaurant when they give her the menu she replies 'yes please'"
"Yo momma's so fat, when she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to drag her back in the water."
"Yo momma's so fat, when she went to get a water bed; they put a blanket across Lake Michigan."
"Yo momma's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, Skittle's fell out."
"Yo momma's so fat, when she tiptoes, everyone yells 'Stampede!'"
"Yo momma's so fat, she makes sumo wrestlers look anorexic."
"Yo momma's so fat, that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step."
"Yo momma's so fat that her belly button makes an echo."
"Yo momma's so fat she had to get baptised at sea world."
"Yo momma's so fat when she fell over, she rocked herself to sleep trying to get back up again"
"Yo momma's so fat that when the whales saw her they started singing 'we are family'"
This is ridiculous. They do know they have the same mother right?
I sighed, "Desperate times call for desperate measures."
"Yo momma's so fat people jog around her for exercise."
"Yo momma's so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone."
"Yo momma's so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say 'Taxi!'"
"Sulpicia! Athenodora!" I called.
Suddenly the wives ran in.
"Yes, Marcus?" They both asked in unison.
I internally chuckled and lied, "They were saying 'Yo Wife' jokes."
They growled with rage and started stalking towards their petrified husbands.
"Marcus, tell the truth now!" hissed Caius.
The wives looked at me for reassurance.
"Marcus, if you don't your lovely brothers will die," Aro tried to reason.
"Oh hell yeah they did."
The wives dragged their screaming and pleading husbands out of the room.
Marcus chuckled under his breath. Not such a boring day after all.