A/N: Sorry for the wait! I pondered a lot about different scenarios and even thought about solving this relationship with this chapter. But I realize that it wouldn't give any meaning as to why Neji and Tenten's separation happened in the first place. So bear with me for this chapter! I'm working on the next one and will have it written concisely for you!
The sun felt at its hottest at two in the afternoon.
Tenten took refuge under the thick shade of the trees surrounding their team's training ground. She watched as Lee performed his ritual energy de-escalation. She leaned against the trump of the tree, watching her comrade run from the tree stumps to the nearby river and back. She closed her eyes as the man leaped into the water. She envied him for having such stamina.
There was no cool breeze to dry her sweat to salt. Tenten finally opted to lay her back on the warm grass. Her head still throbbed as she was still recovering from whatever flu she acquired.
How much longer until his searing lips fade from mine?
Tenten cursed his boldness on that night.
She steered her thoughts elsewhere.
How much further until I'm good enough?
Hand to hand combat was never her strongest specialty. And to train with Lee again, it felt as if she had fallen behind on sharpening her skills.
A soaked pair of shoes approached her and she gave it a moment to register that it was her comrade.
"Are you sleeping?"
"No," Tenten sighed, "thinking."
Lee stood by her side just outside the reach of the shade and scrutinized her, "About what?"
"About that big knot on your forehead," Tenten opened her eyes to see sun rays bleeding through the leaves. "Even when you could only fully see through one eye, I couldn't even land a hit."
Lee placed his hands on his hips and frowned, "Are you analyzing our spar?"
"Absolutely," Tenten responded rather flatly. "Should we have another go at it?"
"All I did was perform the basic taijutsu Gai-sensei taught us," Lee shook his head, disapproving of her suggestion.
"No way."
"It looks to me like your mind is not one-hundred percent here."
Tenten abruptly sat up, "Yes it is!" she denied. "I just haven't sparred with you in a whole year!"
"Or is it that you're more comfortable with Neji's taijutsu?" Lee pressed.
Tenten mildly held her breath. She couldn't rebut faster.
Lee stared at his comrade poignantly. He breathed uneasily, preparing himself and encouraging himself to speak from his heart.
"It's just that-" Tenten began, "we've trained a lot. It's normal to be used to someone's-" presence, "-fighting style," Tenten's voice fell in disappointment. "I just have to train with you more-"
"Why didn't you tell everyone that you two weren't dating?"
"Huh?"
Lee pressed his lips thinly in anger, "How could you only tell me but not everyone else? Not even Gai-sensei?"
Tenten raised a brow at him and got to her feet, "Only you should know."
"Why?"
"Because you're my closest friend. And because I don't care what anyone thinks. Rumors will spread anyways. All rumors are the same," Tenten's heartbeat began to quicken. "Why are you talking about this? Follow me, we're sparring again."
Tenten brushed past him. Lee turned to her; his eyes were critical, "I thought you understood Neji the most," he followed after her, "how could you use that to your advantage? You're his comrade-"
"Use?!" Tenten snapped at Lee. "How in the hell did I use him?"
Lee fumed with hot blood. His mind recalled the fragile appearance of his friend weeping to his teacher. He was unable to calm his whirring heart, "You knew he was walking the wrong path directly towards his fate and when he realized his mistakes," he bit his lower lip, "when he needed you for comfort, you rejected him like that?!"
"So I'm just supposed to comfort him?!" Tears already fell from her eyes. Tenten was hurt. She couldn't control her cries any longer. "I'm only his comfort?! What about me?! When has anyone asked if I wanted to be comforted?! When I told him his path will get him killed, he decided to get himself killed anyway! I knew it and I couldn't do anything! You couldn't do anything! How could you accuse me of using him?! You're supposed to be on my side!-"
Lee was in despair. His eyes grew in shades of red.
"-Killing himself like that is a death sentence to me! He didn't care if what I said meant anything to him! He didn't care that I cared for him!" Tenten could barely breathe. Under a breathing spell, she wailed uncontrollably, wiping her tears away. More fell down her cheeks. She never thought she'd reveal this hidden side of herself to him. "He couldn't care then. And so I wanted to do the same. I wanted to be selfish for myself. I want to be stronger without him! I can't rely on someone who only thought of himself!"
"But," Lee whispered, "he waited an entire year to confess to you."
Tenten shook her head in dismay, "I don't care." Streams fell from her eyes and dropped to the ground. "It was harder for me to confess to him."
"Neji," Lee's lips quivered, "wanted to apologize. How did it turn out this way?"
"I guess the circumstances finally leaned in my favor," Tenten swallowed her tears. She wiped her tears and glared at Lee. "If we're not sparring anymore, I'm leaving." Tenten headed towards the dirt path.
"You're so stubborn," Lee watched as she stopped and turned to him, "if the world took him away, would you still act this way?"
Tenten felt insulted. Her jaw clenched and she stared at Lee with rage. Not another word was spoken. She fled off.
It was Autumn. Neji's grandfather passed away in his sleep.
As the funeral wake proceeded, Neji thought about tonight's raw weather. The piercing cold could be felt through his attire. It reminded him of his father's wake. Though Neji could not recall the details of that snowy night, he remembered it being unbearably cold, too cold for a child. And now, as a grown man in seiza behind his cousins, Neji still found it hard to endure. The coming of this frigid weather was unkind to him.
His grandfather's death could have been meaningful to him, but Neji would rather spend these hours pondering on other pressing matters. His grandfather was a key figure in keeping him caged. And though Neji had no resentment for the dead, he did not want to be fazed by this passing.
Nearing death twice already, he would be fine if anyone acted the way he did if he was gone.
Looking around the temple, as he could be the only one to let his gaze wander, Neji settled his eyes upon his cousin Hanabi. Since his departure a year ago, his cousin had begun to appear like his uncle. Her shoulders were square and her gaze only looked forward. Never once did she falter nor shed a tear. Contrary to her sister, her expression was controlled and as stoic as his own. It was as if he was staring at his own reflection. The thought chased him away and his eyes peered to the ground. His mind freely left the confines of this temple.
Sprinkles turned to hard rain after the burial. Neji did not wish to stay for long. However, his uncle kept him under his roof.
Under the shadow of his uncle's private quarters, Neji sat in silence beside his uncle. They watched the rainfall from the veranda, mindful enough to not get too close to the rain spatter. It wasn't long until Hiashi spoke.
"How are the arrangements at your home?" he asked.
"It is fine," Neji replied, "however, I would fare much better without the maintenance servants assigned to me."
Hiashi rested his eyes, fully shutting his senses to only listen to the rain's pitter-patter. He paused a great deal.
"Is insulation good enough?" Hiashi asked him.
Neji lifted his chin slightly, his orbs breaking from its dull stare, "Yes. There is nothing to worry about."
"And your recovery?" Hiashi lifted his eyelids.
"I've fully recovered a long time ago, Lord Hiashi."
"Ah," Hiashi sighed, "since my last seeing you, there was so much life in your eyes. I am concerned now because you always look to be in deep contemplation."
Neji's ears perked; he swallowed his nervousness away, "I apologize for causing you anxiety."
"Just mere speculation. I am happy to know that your home has received you well over this past year, but complaining about the maintenance servants won't make me remove them, Neji. Until you marry, your home is still under my control."
"I fully understood whose ownership the house belongs to, uncle."
"When will you marry though?" Hiashi asked him. "You are of marriageable age and a prominent figure of our clan. I'm sure there must be a woman whom you fancy, someone to honor your prestige."
Neji snickered, suppressing a growing grin from his uncle's prose, "There have been plenty, but none to my liking."
"Are your standards a bit too high?"
The younger man shook his head, "I just want someone with the same understanding as mine."
Hiashi gave out laughter, much to Neji's surprise. "There is no such being who'd understand you as fully as yourself, my nephew. But I commend you, I was once like you. However, arranged marriage couldn't be broken, could it? But I shouldn't speak of this, your aunt might just take me to hell before I witness our children's weddings, including yours of course."
Neji chuckled along with his uncle until it seemed as if the sun would appear. It had been a while since the atmosphere between them was this light. But when the laughter ceased and the sky dimmed back to its dark tone, their expressions resumed its neutrality.
"Neji," Hiashi firmly said.
"Yes, uncle."
"With your grandfather's passing, it is clear to me that your generation will really bring about peace. Us old fools must forgo instilling tradition in order to bring about change," Hiashi turned to look at Neji, "Hanabi is willing to be my successor. I thought you might be delighted to hear that."
A small smile crept to Neji's lips, "I am relieved. Hanabi quite resembles you. I have faith that she can lead the clan into a better light."
"I am glad to hear that."
Neji nodded and they both panned to the gloomy atmosphere.
For a sufficient amount of time, Hiashi let the silence ensue. It had been a while since they've shared such light-hearted conversations. And when rain fell lighter than before, when it almost became mist itself, Hiashi took in a hidden breath and gulped.
"I take it you must be busy at home? Lord Hokage was in need of our clan's ability to survey and map areas for expansion, surely he must have called upon you as well?"
Neji lowered his head and merely closed his eyes, a simper grew on his lips before it faded out, "My days as of recently are filled with leisure."
"I see."
"Lord Hokage did reach out to me for a different matter, though."
"May I ask what it was for?"
"He requested that I enter the academy as an instructor. However, I've yet to make my decision."
Hiashi panicked, stiffening his spine upon such an inquiry from the Hokage, "May I be inclined to suggest a proposition for you, Neji."
Neji tilted his head to Hiashi and gave a nod. He listened intently.
"As you know, Hanabi is far too naive to overtake my title. There are still many things she needs to learn and I believe your skills and method of training can benefit my daughter. I want her to lead our clan with the prospect of good change. And with that, she'll need more than my help to achieve it. If you agree to supervise her, I'll ask for nothing more of you."
Astonished as Neji was, he could only keep a composed countenance. He turned away before deciding to end this conversation of theirs. Neji stood up and bowed to his uncle, "Please give me time to consider your proposition, uncle. It is getting late, I must get going before the rain picks up again."
"Ah, right. See yourself out."
Hiashi swallowed with a dry throat. He watched his nephew leave his private quarters.
Mud stains from the pitter-patter of the rain tainted the feet of Neji's kimono as he entered his gated home. He stared at his courtyard in displeasure. It had never been more apparent of his dislike for Autumn. The fallen leaves of wilting trees melted onto his path, blanketing his courtyard and garden with an array of red and golden colors. It expressed the disarray within himself.
With one deep breath, Neji walked on the roofed stone path to his veranda. He climbed onto his veranda and shut the umbrella.
This place would never truly be mine. The woman whom I gave all my meaning to would never set foot here.
It was a reality Neji found difficult to accept. But with each day refraining from all notions of her, he was almost ready to return back to himself. He would be able to become that friend for her. But as much as he hoped it would lean to his favor, Autumn was unkind to the man.
Neji entered his room and stood stiffly in the dark room. He stared at the white envelope on his drawer and despair gnawed the pit of his heart. One by one, he undid his sash and slid off his article until what was left was his white undergarment kimono. His eyes never once strayed from the white envelope given to him a week ago.
He would have to see her again.
He wondered if she was happier now.
Autumn ushered in quickly for Tenten. In the blink of an eye, cold wind had already begun plucking leaves from its trees. The seasons moved so fast, she felt as if she wasn't in tune with time at all. Picking a golden leaf from the foot of her stairs, Tenten brought it to her eye. There was a hole blown through its fragility. She looked through it, wondering why this season was so cruel to it. To her.
Truly, after the celebration a couple of months ago, peace began to settle in. It cradled itself into her village and disturbed her routine. It rendered her useless, moping around in places she would never be if there was use for her. Missions dwindled to none in these months. Reparations finished one by one. But most importantly, the stir of "togetherness" made itself at home.
Wherever Tenten looked, a family was getting started. Love was sprouting like Spring's miracles in Fall. Her friends had begun to settle on the thought of love. The seriousness of it, they've committed to it all.
But looking from outside the window, of a woman who was once in love and still in love, Tenten couldn't admire it.
To do so meant acknowledging how she had hurt them both. She understood that love was not a thing to be played, that which she had done. As genuine as her love for him was, as much as her feelings retained, they've already begun to part ways.
Tenten watched her Autumn days closely. As it came closer to passing, she noticed that his words were brutal, "Bear with me, I'm still learning to let you go. I'll try to be the comrade you need." Tenten couldn't meet with him if she tried. In trying to become the comrade he believed she needed him to be, he simply disappeared. It hurt her the most for him to be unreachable. It reminded her of how much she wanted him to be dead. It reminded her of how selfish she was. She couldn't even bear to look at her hideous self.
Because he purposefully left, it left her with the guilt she couldn't shake off. Tenten knew this was her doing and she understood that what he was doing was for her and for himself. To be as they were before, although quite unlikely, he was going to try. And by being gone for a season too long, Tenten noticed the fallacies of her resolve.
She missed him. If not due to the romantic feelings for him that wouldn't leave her, then due to his presence as friends. Before the war, her days were spent mostly in his presence. So, if not by love, then by the familiarity of him. Beside her, he was her wings. Now that he won't appear before her, she couldn't fly.
When missing him, she'd tire herself through training. The lonely walk to their field kept her mind running in circles. Every familiar place she once knew felt odd now that he was missing. Training alone couldn't make herself better.
Tenten knew it all too well that she was selfish. She wanted him after spoiling everything. If she demanded him, if she ran to his place, Tenten believed she wouldn't even be able to say the words.
When Autumn nights resembled Winter, Tenten wondered if lovebirds were warm. She wondered if the thought of a significant other would keep the frigid nights warm. She wondered how great love must be in this weather. She wondered if he was sleeping through these nights thinking of these things.
In raising the golden leaf to her eye and peering through it, Tenten spotted Lee heading to her, a bundle of white envelopes were clutched in his hand. She lowered the leaf but hadn't the thought of setting it free.
"What the heck are you doing out here in your PJs?!" Lee greeted her with a wide grin.
It dawned on her of her errand. Tenten let out a breath and regained her consciousness, "I— was taking out the trash."
Lee halted from a yard away and raised a brow, "And you decided to just leave your trash in the way of the stairs? Are you okay?" he patted her head.
Tenten stared at his attire, taking in his scarf and thick coat before the piercing cold struck through her skin. She gasped minutely, wondering how much time had passed since her standing there at the foot of her apartment.
"You look frozen," Lee commented, "should we go inside?"
"No," she hastily interjected.
"Are you sick?" Lee asked.
Tenten shook her head, "No, I was just distracted," her eyes finally concentrated on Lee's own.
"I could tell."
"Well, what are you here this early for?" Tenten smiled, taking in a chill breath.
Upon asking, Lee gleefully handed her one white envelope. As she looked onward into his orbs, there were a million stars swimming in iridescence.
"It's getting pretty hectic these days, so, sorry if I haven't visited you enough. But, I'm getting married soon. Please come to my wedding."
"Ah, so you were quite serious," Tenten took the envelope from his hand. She broke their eye contact and looked at the little invitation with a broken smile.
"It feels weird to be the first one out of all of us to get married, but that means my wedding can be as humble as it wants. I can't imagine us all trying to outdo each other along the road, you know?" Lee chortled blissfully and managed to earn a few chuckles from Tenten.
She agreed with him, "I will see you on this date then. Congratulations, Lee."
On this day, she wished it was forbidden to love.
Neji did not question why Lee set his wedding date in Winter. Right now, he needed a break away from his clan. Supervising his cousin was more complicated than he believed it to be.
His friend's wedding was quite rambunctious. It suited him and his wife seemed to love him for that. The woman was beautiful and their love was so simple. Neji wished his' would have turned out this way as well. However, wishful thinking wouldn't get him anywhere. The woman who derailed this love was here. And though Neji would like to neglect his attention to her, he couldn't help but be pulled toward her.
She looked feeble, perhaps as fragile as the glass in her hand. Her attire reflected that of her mood. She was happy to partake in this wedding, but her mind was far from this place.
Neji knew she was cautious of him, her eyes would always be on him whenever he glanced her way. She was struggling. But did she know that he was too? If it were not for her harsh words, he would have crumbled right then and there. He would have let his facade fall like the snow outside this venue and ask to start again.
The night was wearing away. His friend's wedding was coming to a close only to be held on by the thread of the guest's brotherly love for karaoke. In this cacophony, Neji made his mind to approach this timid guest resting two tables from him. She rubbed her ankles, her heels were off and her brows indicated pain.
A grimace graced her countenance just as he made his presence known. Neji wondered if she could walk home tonight.
Her eyes laid on objects on their table as they spoke. She could never raise her eyes to meet his own, making their conversation short and uncomfortable.
As Neji gazed, from her forehead to her chin, he wondered why this woman was acting so distant to him. The last of their words exchanged proved her to be uncompromising and strict with their resolve. Now, before him, she had become a shell of her former self. Only a thin layer of her dignity shielded her emotions from him. It was at this moment of contemplation that he understood they were the same: hiding the truth of their feelings.
Neji wondered what she truly felt. He baited time to see if she'd reveal it to him.
This conversation prolonged for as long as it could until the lights shut off. The night ended. The sun would soon rise behind a canvas of gray clouds in the next minute. She never revealed herself to him. Neji ambled home through the snow. With an umbrella over his head, he firmly concluded on their love. There was no more to do to test this flower that wouldn't bloom.
Do we really have to stop here? Have we past the point of no return? Could we never recover? I'm afraid we'll never meet again. But if we ever do, if that life permits us to, I'll just endure the pain and dare not to love you again.
Tenten remembered Lee's wedding like a fever dream. It was haunting even after weeks had passed.
Staring out her balcony doors as a blizzard whirred through, Tenten couldn't help but feel hopeless in telling him the words she had prepared. His presence at Lee's wedding was expected, but him being there turned her into a mouse. She was afraid to even greet him.
In a muted attire, a traditional kimono, he beamed in her eyes. Without a suit to conform with his friends, he stood out to her. But perhaps it was because she was cautious of their distance that he drew himself closer to her.
From a few glances, shy and shaky ones, Tenten wondered if Neji knew she was stealing glances of him. But whether he knew or not, they eventually met again.
Snow collected on her balcony. Tenten pressed her forehead to the cold glass. Remembering him flared her face. Recalling their conversation made her embarrassed. She wished she could redo that entire night.
Never once did Tenten see him smile. The more they talked, the more she realized he was serious in letting her go. And because she initially wanted this, she couldn't tell him her words. He appeared stiff; words said without faltering. It was then that she understood they were the same, rehearsing their words to perfection. He performed his lines to the beat and left her speechless. She could only play as the character he believed her to be.
On the night of Lee's wedding, Tenten learned that he was chasing greater things. His heart and mind belonged to his clan. He had taken on a role integral to changing his clan.
Tenten stared at snow collecting on her window. She understood that she could not be a part of him any longer.
The world did not take him away. And with time separating them, she felt as though the world was taking her instead. Tenten could not breathe. She did not know how to undo all of her wrongdoings. She madly wanted him. But like a fool, she couldn't apologize.
Right now, if I were to stand right in front of you, if I could have the courage, I would tell you those words that I prepared each night for you. My lips, my hands, I know they won't listen when that time comes. My head will go blank and you'd leave without a smile. I wish you could smile, I want you to be happy. I wish I could make you smile.