Author Note:
Let me first apologize, I only realised that doesn't let me use fonts and such freely to my desire. It's a little difficult because during times where Lucy is writing her novels and thinking to herself, I normally change the font to make it more distinguishable. But it won't show online. However, I think putting it on bold works, I haven't tried editing my documents yet, but hopefully it works (Author edit; it works. Note to reader; if it's in bold and italics, it's Lucy's storyline)
I am not writing this for fame or for glory, but as an outlet of my own emotions.
I need people out there to understand that depression is serious and if it isn't handled properly, if there is no coping method, so many consequences may occur.
Writing is my coping method, and hopefully this will bring me ease, even if it's the slightest bit of happiness, it's always one less tear for me to shed. Hence, at the same time, I require your support.
Thank you for reading, and please, if you know of someone who is in desperate need of help, be there for them.
Love, MannyCake.
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Chapter One; Pen.
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Here I am, back in my room, sitting at my desk, with another blank sheet in front of me. Mum think's it's a little stupid and crazy. I mean, I could be doing other things more productive; I could dance, socialise, cook, do something with my life. And yet I choose to lock myself in my room with nothing but my dim nightlight beside me; God bless, I haven't damaged my eyes, yet.
'What's the use of writing', she says?
Well, with plenty of kids out there doing drugs, you should be glad that all I do is brood around in my room. I know better not to touch any of that stuff.
'If I did, well, who knows what my anxiety and depression would lead me to do. Sheesh.'
None the less. This is no time to stress. This is 'my' world.
Deep breath. In and out.
The darker the night grew, the brighter the stars shined, and the brighter-
Hmm, what should I name her?
Lily? Means death. Maybe not.
Karen? I mean, I'm a meme but not that meme. Plus it reminds me of Loki's ex. No thank you.
Rose…? This isn't titanic.
Then what should I name her?
…
"The brighter stars shined."
Stars. Celestials. Constellations. Stellar…
"Stella…"
The darker the night grew, the brighter the stars shined, and the brighter Stella grew. That's one of the prettiest things about this lil' old town. The skies were forever the brightest. It doesn't matter how late it is, or how quiet and lonely she gets. The stars are with her, and that's all that mattered.
"You know, other girls would spend their nights out at parties, or out with her friend"
The stars- plus this one handsome fellow.
"If I'm out partying, the stars will feel lonely."
"You say it as if they have feelings"
"And they do." Letting out a giggle, Stella closed her eyes, feeling the cool breeze blow against her face. 'This is nice' she thought. Just until she felt a freezing cold wet surface against her hot red cheeks.
"…"
What should his name be?
"Natsu-"
No. Imagine if he read this.
Not like he ever will though.
Bet he wouldn't find it
Come on, Lucy. Think.
Arthur? Means bear…
That could work? But sounds a little vague.
Theodore?
Ehh what is he a chipmunk?
'He was always so… hyper. Like a ball of fire being thrown around."
Fire. Flame. Burn.
And there, memories flooded me-
"Igneel?"
"Yeah, that's my dad." Natsu smiled; but it wasn't his usual wide gummy smile. It was a little forced. He was happy, I'm sure of it, but there was that hint of sadness in his eyes; a look so utterly indistinguishable, but noticeable if you truly tried hard enough.
"I really look up to him, you know?" He said.
'Igneel…'
Derived from the Sanskrit word, Agni.
And guess what it means. Fire.
Agni. I like that.
'This is nice' she thought. Just until she felt a freezing cold wet surface against her hot red cheeks.
"Agni!" He laughed. She pushed him over, he toppled backwards into the dry sand, he had his hand against his belly and his lips pulling far past his cheeks into his signature wide toothy smile. If you looked just a little close, you'd notice two of his teeth are slightly pointed; looks a bit like fangs.
He crawls towards her. Sitting on the grey beach blanket, he hands her the water bottle; she flinched for a second, worried he'd press it against her cheek once more. He shook his head.
"Sorry, did that upset you?"
She let out a soft chuckle. "No." She turns her head towards him.
"-Things like that don't upset me."
"Good, I was worried"
"Don't." She smiles. "I'm a tough cookie."
"You sure?" He nudges my rib, and just like that, my whole body shivers.
"That tickles!"
"You said you were tough-"
"Not like that!" And there goes his roaring laughs again. Stella pouts. "Let's see how you like it, huh!"
She ran her hand far back across his spine and trail her fingers upwards. Anyone else would barely notice it, but there was this soft gasp that he lets out as he jolts himself upwards and straightens his spine, his upper body trembling ever so slightly. "Oh, it's on." And it took no time for him to tackle the poor blonde. He roamed his finger over her already trembling body, playing it like his own personal piano, pushing on her sensitive spots as though they were keys, waiting for her to let out some sort of melodical tune. Instead, she squealed and cried out painful laughs and incoherent moans; 'Pathetic, aren't I?' she thought.
But to him, her delicate whimpers were music to his ears.
Instead of watching the stars, it seems as though they're now watching them. Rolling around in the sand, trading giggles and squeals; honestly, thank God it was late. If anyone saw, they'd be probably be evicted for a little too much public display of affection.
Wait, I can't remember, was this a nudist beach we were on?
I chuckle to myself. What the hell am I writing.
Honestly, I think I remember we were laying on a nudist beach that night. I can't remember correctly.
That was a little over a year ago.
Funny how I'm recycling my own memories into my stories, huh? But isn't that where stories come from? The one that are real are the ones more meaningful.
Because you lived it. You know it.
I mean, most of the best songs are written from real relationships.
But the best thing about writing?
You can change the ending.
Manipulate the story.
The characters.
Because 'they' are yours.
A little psychotic, don't you think?
They only exist within the pages of your novel, and other than that, they're nothing.
Just puppets on a string.
'So… what should Natsu- eh. What should Agni do next?'
Staring down at the page, I tap my pen against my chin.
Wait, I can't remember, was this a nudist beach we were on?
Okay. Let's not write that.
If anyone saw, they'd be probably be evicted for a little too much public display of affection.
In all honesty, did they ever really care about that?
I giggle to myself.
It feels like everyone at this point see them as bunnies in heat. 'I mean, I can't help it; he's hot.' Stella thought to herself.
Literally.
'I'm kidding.'
'I'm not.'
'Okay, yes- he's hot, but don't take me as someone who only views appearances. Trust me, I'm actually the last person to do that. But you see, Natsu-'
Where's my white out.
'-Agni. Makes me feel safe.'
'He makes me feel like- well, me.'
'I don't have to be that proper princess around him. I don't have to care about how much or how messy I eat. I don't have to wear heels or pretty dresses. I don't have to say excuse me when I burp or crawl away when I fart (I know it's weird, but he's okay with that stuff). I don't have to wear layers of makeup or doll myself up for him.'
'I can be lazy and comfy ol' me. And to him, that was beautiful.'
'And to me, he was beautiful.'
'So, I held him and embraced him with everything I had. I wanted to show the world what was rightfully mine.'
'Mine and mine alone.'
'Am I possessive? A little bit perhaps.'
'But I never posted it online. I don't need to show off- I just needed those around me to know.'
-And to back off.
'Could this be due to my upbringing?' She thought.
Stella always got what she wanted; whatever and whenever she wanted it. What can you expect of a little princess?
'You can call me spoiled.'
'But whatever was mine was mine alone'
'-And Agni is mine.'
'I wish.'
I sigh to myself. Why do I keep doing this? I swear this isn't psychologically healthy for me-
Stop.
No more negative thoughts. I can do whatever I want here.
Let's keep going.
I put my pen down, cracking and popping the air gaps within my knuckles.
Dipping it into its inkpot, I bring it back to the page.
Stella, completely lost in her own mind, hadn't even realised herself spacing out. And Agni himself had no comment. He just chuckled to himself. She laid beneath him. He hovered over her, using his arms to support his weight. He stared into her eyes, diving as deep as he could to see what on earth could she be thinking of in that little head of hers.
"What's on your mind", he whispered.
Stella blushed. She finally snapped back into reality, only to find herself locked in his embrace.
"What do you mean?" He leaned in closed, staring into her soul.
"Don't play dumb. Tell me-", he nudges his nose against hers.
"What's on your mind?" And just like that, she swallowed that lump of saliva in the back of her throat. She was nervous.
He cocked an eyebrow.
She looked away, her cheeks growing hotter.
"Hey, look into my eyes."
"I can't"
"Why?"
She gulps down that lump in her throat.
"You can't look at me like that..." Stella mutters. She raises her hands and places her two palms against his hovering chest.
Agni chuckles. "Why not?"
"Cause, you make me shy."
There she goes. The bright, confident, beautiful Stella breaks down to her knees in crumbling defeat. She's met her match.
Agni brings his palm and runs it across her cheek, pinching them ever so softly.
"What's on your mind?" His voice went deeper, his eyes looked darker, every bit of him was alluring the young girl.
"You…" Stella whimpered ever so quietly. Thankfully, Agni was close enough to hear her. He smirked.
"What about me?". Stella flushed.
"All about you."
"Mhmm… Like what?" He leaned in towards her ear, nibbling softly against her lobe. Her eyes widen in shock, feeling a surge of electricity trickle through her spine. Her lips quiver; Agni's expecting an answer, and if she doesn't speak out, he'll stop what he's doing, and she doesn't want that.
But it makes it even harder for her to think straight with him teasing her like this.
"Focus. Tell me." He parted his lips, his tongue slowly crawled out and swirls itself around the edges of her lobe. Her left eye twitches as she tries to hold in her voice. "Tell me, or I'll stop."
"Okay! Okay okay okay-"
"Talk."
"Your company…" Stella pants. 'Think fast' she thought.
"Go on?" He continues to nibble her ear, as he plants kisses on her temples, trailing down towards her neck.
"Uhh.. um… your values. Your influence in me… how you've opened my eyes. How I see the world from a whole new lense…"
Things got real deep real fast.
"Mhhh… keep talking." He kisses and knips on her collarbone.
"When you first met me, you didn't see my status. Or my money. Who my dad was. You didn't see any of that. You saw me. The crazy, loud, obnoxious Stella who did dumb shit. The girl who lived by herself in that little apartment, working in her silly ol' job so she can pay for rent. You didn't fall for me because I was a princess; you loved me for me. And I sometimes feel like I'm not even worthy of your love."
He chuckles. "You're still a princess. You're such a princess-." He leans in towards her lips and pecks it. "-and who's to say you're not worthy of my love? Sometimes, I feel like I'm nothing compared to you"
"No- you're kind-"
"And so are you"
"But you're so… true.
And confident.
And brave.
And you bring the best out of me. You're inspiring. In fact, I've blossomed to be the person I am now because of you."
"Lol, so I practically buffed your stats"
'He's such a meme' she thought.
"Yes-" She chuckles. "-Yes, you did"
...And there's that gummy smile again.
"Yeah, but you do so much for me too, you know that?"
"Compared to the shit you do for me?"
"I don't do much"
"You drive me around, you buy me food, you take care of me, you bought me pads when I was at work and on the brink of turning the place into a whole crime scene!"
"...yeah, I felt like a superhero that day actually"
"Exactly!" Agni smiles. He lays his cheek against her chest; Stella initially thought he was aiming for her breasts, but instead, he laid against her beating heart and closed his eyes.
"You don't know how much you've done for me yourself."
"I barely do much for you-"
"Shut up."
Stella stayed quiet.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you like that."
She shook her head. "It's alright"
"I mean it though. You don't know it; how much you've done for me, it means a lot. How patient you are with me. How well you know me and understand me.
How you took the time to get to know me."
Stella cocked her brow.
"You were- interesting. A breath of fresh air."
"You've seen a side of me that not that many people know of.
Honestly, everyone thinks I'm just that dumb retard hothead who jumps around a does backflips in the middle of the room."
Stella giggles. "You are though."
"Well yeah. But people think I'm dumb. And embarrassing.
But you don't"
She brings her hand up, running her fingers through his long locks. "Well, I mean you did look pretty dumb when you were walking like a weirdo through the University office"
He jumps off her and cracks up laughing, just before he reenacts that very scene; he stood up and walked with his legs spread as wide as they could go, and as he took every step, his arms waved around like those inflatable red balloon man that people use for advertisements. Stella throws her head back, laughing like a little kid. She brought her hands to her eyes and covered them.
"I cannot BELIEVE you did that in front of the chancellor"
"I bet he loved my act"
"I bet he's gonna call my DAD!" Stella's voice went low to mimic a male voice. "Excuse me, sir, but who is your daughter associating herself with?"
"And what if he did?"
Stella's eyes falter. Her bright smile dropped into a frown.
"I'd be deported. He'd want me back home under his supervision. And I'd be locked up again…" she sighs. This was what she loved most about Agni, and at the same time envied of him.
The freedom that came with him.
That's the beauty of being him. No one cares if he messes up. If he's crazy, if he wants to do something stupid just for the sake of being himself.
Because no one is watching.
But as for Stella;
Everyone was watching her every step.
Even going out this late at night was taboo. If she got caught, who knows what would happen.
She does.
But she'd prefer to completely unacknowledge it.
Agni sighs. He sits by her side; she leans her head against his shoulder and brings his one arm into hers, hugging it tightly.
"Boob." He snickers.
And she smiles, hitting him playfully. "You're so dumb."
He looks down and brushes her sweaty bangs away from her face. Her eyes droop down and her breathing slows itself. Trying to stay as still as possible, he moves his head carefully; just so that he doesn't disrupt her leaning head upon his shoulder, and places a soft peck on her hair.
"I love you."
-Oh those three terrifying words.
Stella hums in reply. Parting her lips, she mutters;
"I love you too."
I hadn't even realised the tears pouring down my cheeks. I put my pen down and reach out for the box of tissues beside my lamp, picking one out as I blow my sniffly nose. I dry my tears, picking up the multiple sheets of paper, stacking and ordering them overtop each other. I straighten the edges and tap the pile vertically over my wooden table. I smile.
This is my world.
Holding the sheets of paper all together, I bring them close to my chest and rest them upon my beating heart. These pages were already full of life, but I wanted to take it to the next step and fill it with my heart and soul.
Natsu…
I cry.
I know we've broken up, that I've left Magnolia. I'm home now with my family, and you're far across the ocean.
I know you're no longer mine.
But these pages are.
And for as long as I love you, I'll continue to write.
I'll continue our story.
I can live both our lives for us.
Through these tears.
Through these pages.
Through my mind.
And you don't have to know a single thing. That way, I won't hurt you.
Because I know you're hurting.
We cope through our loss in our own ways.
And this is my way.
Even if it is a little psychotic.
That's me.
That's what you fell in love with.
I pull the pages away from my chest and acknowledge them once more.
I'm proud.
If only I could show him, like I did with all my other stories.
But how would he feel?
Honestly, I have no idea. Why do I feel like he'll call me a crazy person for writing stories about our relationships?
Not to mention, I shift them to my own liking.
Don't get me wrong, the way Agni acts in my stories are derived from past experiences.
Like when I held onto his arm as we were walking home that one night. I hugged his arm, feeling scared. And with every step, my chest would bump into his arm. And each time it did, he just looked at me with this stupid grin on his face and said "Boobiez".
He's honestly so dumb.
I laugh to myself for a minute.
He's so dumb, and yet I love him with all my heart.
I miss him.
So much.
I yearn for him.
I cry for him.
I want him.
In my arms.
In my embrace.
Natsu.
The sound of my phone beeping snapped me out of my trance. I look at the time. 10pm. Who could be texting me at this hour?
Oh.
Speak of the devil.
Speak of the fucking fireball hotheaded devil.
Taking a deep breath, I unlock my phone and open my messages.
Text From Firefly:
Might go to bed soon. But call me?
Shit.
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And there we have the first chapter. Took just a little longer than I thought to write. But regardless, I feel like this sets the story pretty well. Leave a review to tell me what you guys think. Thankyou for reading~ and stay tuned for the next chapter!
MannyCake.