A/N: This was requested anonymously as "The first time April tells Andy about her anxieties."

T

As far as their relationship went, April considered it pretty great. What was there to hate? Andy was this warm, lovable giant of a man that she liked hanging around so much. With people, she generally considered them a waste of her time and so beneath giving a damn about that any effort expended to try was genuinely that; wasted. Him, though? It was like a whole new world, and she hated quoting Disney movies but, hey, in this instance it fit. Whatever, April definitely doesn't watch those stupid things anyways. The simple fact that she could call Andy her boyfriend was strangely thrilling. Why? It was a dumb title, and really it didn't matter at all in the grand scheme of things but, to April, the fact that he promised not to kiss anyone else made her feel special, enthused, and thrilled. All things she rarely ever felt in her life, so she just went with it.

Because, honestly, it's hard to just feel openly for April. It's nothing like an emotional stunting, but she never felt comfortable being very expressive with her feelings and it wasn't until Andy that she really saw an outlet for many of her more serious thoughts. Sure, she took some things and had her fair share of failed therapy sessions, but sometimes another person that she actually felt something for - and, God, did she feel so much for Andy that sometimes her heart raced just thinking about the last time they kissed and her brain went into a panic wondering when they'll see each other next - was so necessary.

Andy, of course, was all of that.

It wasn't that she necessarily meant to hide things from him, but it's hard to talk about a lot of this when you've just been dating for a week and some change. Well, they were friends for a long time before that, but she can't just come out and reveal those parts of herself.

When she's at the shoeshine stand with him, it's different. Andy's energy filled the spaces she didn't think even existed - every laugh was a vibration along her spine that electrified her body, those stares he gave her with those eyes, and the touches when they kissed amplified every portion of her body overwhelmed with pleasure and comfort to maddening heights - and when he was calm he listened to the things she said. The urgency and immediacy of some of her words rang loud and clear for him, which April can never repay or forget. Sometimes, though, it wasn't enough.

It all started earlier that morning, and it was nothing, really. When she passed through the parking lot there was a routine-enough ID check. Some of the cards were in need of replacement and throughout the whole check April was whispering, hoping, to herself that she wouldn't need a replacement. Just her luck, she spent half an hour before work being asked simple questions that all felt strangely heavy and thick, and worrying about the countless possibilities that could happen. What if her ID wasn't really in need of a renewal and they were just screwing with her? After everything she'd done to some of these guys at the security desk, and that one prank with the spray paint came to mind, she might deserve it. Or, what if by some chance something was wrong and she got arrested now for drinking on City Hall property under the legal age? How would she explain to a bunch of cops what she's got on her - what she always takes to work, so stupidly, just to get by for the day - and that wasn't even mentioning the repercussions for college. Not that she really cared that much… okay, she cared more about that than she'd let anyone in on. But, still, her opportunities, or at least the ones she bothered cultivating, would all be washed away.

Instead, it was just a nerve-wracking morning all the way to the shoeshine stand. Like she hoped, Andy was there and his smile did help a little bit. A peck on the lips was great as well, but she still couldn't get the little confrontation out of her mind. He noticed it, too. She wondered if she's always been this obvious or if Andy's just gotten better at reading her. Hopefully the latter.

"Hey, um, you cool? You seem… out of it," he nodded, eyes wide. Andy jumped up onto the chair next to where she had sat just a moment before. "Not, like, bad or anything but, uh, yeah. You seem…"

"Weird?" April offered, tapping her foot and turning her head to stare at him. Her eyes were huge, and she knew it, like she needed to be wary for any possibility.

"Yes. Wait, no! Um, bad-weird… not good-weird, y'know?" Andy scratched his chin.

"I think I just need to go outside real quick," she nudged him with her elbow and stood up. "I'll be right back."

"I'll come with you!" Andy joined her, cheery in his voice and eager in his steps when they started walking. "I wanna hang out with you all the time now. Not, y'know, just because we're dating. That's really awesome, though-"

"It's pretty great," she agreed. "Just don't be weird about it."

"Wait, is this bad-weird again?"

"Just c'mon," she chuckled, feeling less skittery and like her body's fighting to go twelve different directions at once.

They walked down a low-traffic hallway towards a side door that April always used. It was only a brief little jaunt from the Parks department proper, and with Andy's weirdly sweaty hand in hers it wasn't so bad really. Normally she felt a little pang of funny guilt pass through her before whatever that drove her out there returned and she really just wanted something to relax her. Coffee was the exact opposite of what she wanted, her feet barely making contact with the ground with light taps, and she could barely unzip the little pocket in her purse fast enough. Inside was a miniature air freshener and a small can of air freshener, along with the little box of already rolled little white cones. Andy held the door open for them, glancing inside and at her bag. She got into the habit of making filters just because it was an unusually comforting experience knowing that these could help her through the day if things got especially bad. Pulling the box and her lighter out, Andy just gave her a surprised look.

"What?" she asked, taking one out and quickly putting it into her mouth. She savored the dry nothingness for a moment before flicking the lighter on with her thumb and lighting.

"I didn't know you smoked," Andy said a little coyly. "Kinda surprised."

"You wanna?" she offered, holding out the box.

"I haven't done any in a while," he shrugged.

"Really? I figured you and Burly got high all the time," she took one long drag, not letting the smoke escape and enjoying the dry, hot pressure in her throat. "Y'know, you're in a band and everything."

"I mean, I used to in college all the time. Um, how often d'you do it?" he asked with what sounded like real worry in his voice.

"Look," she started, and before long the words just felt natural coming out, "it's just something… all right, if I say I need it that's terrible but, y'know, it relaxes me. I mean, some people freak out but I just feel comfortable."

"Oh, yeah?" he just looked down and scanned the little brown and red box before waving it off.

The effects weren't instantaneous, but April knew when those jitters went away and her mind brushed aside some of the tinier worries. This is the reason she did it. Sure, sometimes it was just because she was bored out of her mind and people were way funnier, and more ridiculous, when she was high, but April did have a limited budget and she no longer had a gay boyfriend to steal pot from anymore. Now it was for serious circumstances, like ones where she thought the City Hall security was going to come down on her at any moment. Then again, the last thing she needs to worry about is security.

She never really got scared or especially crazy. April just sort of mellowed out and laughed more, and something about being able to giggle without thinking about it and enjoying herself was always nice. Now, with Andy, she didn't really need it for that but it couldn't hurt.

"Can we talk about this later?" she requested earnestly, looking up at him and taking one more pull before tossing the remnants in the same dumpster as always. "Please, Andy. I really don't wanna say it out-"

"Sure, totally," Andy nodded as she let out a heavy sigh.

"Yeah?" April looked over, surprised.

"Of course. Um, we don't even have to talk about it if you don't want," he scratched the back of his head, looking inside the building. "You wanna go back in?"

"One sec," she warned, taking out the little can and quickly spraying a little around her. "Okay."

"You good?" he chuckled.

"Yeah, oh and… thanks," she leaned up and kissed him on the cheek, feeling a heat she couldn't distinguish from the effects of her body slowly tingling over and just calming and the little show of affection.

"For what?" he smiled but didn't take his eyes off of her. Those eyes, and she struggled to maintain composure with little more than a lip bite and unfocused staring at him.

She shook away the blur and stopped herself from biting straight through her own flesh. "Just giving a shit," she slung her bag over her shoulder and took his hand again. "C'mon, you-"

"Wanna make out at the shoeshine stand?" he asked before she could and April felt something hot spread over her face. It was probably a blush, and she should care but it's hard to when the only thing she's thinking about was his hand in hers and making out.

"So, you said you'd… uh, y'know, talk," Andy looked down at her little spread between the two of them.

In the little spare room at Burly's place, while he was away, they were going to set up some rules for this to work. It was just a little bit that she was grinding as he spoke, but Andy didn't sound exactly out of place or weirded out. Maybe surprised, especially considering the conversation earlier that day, but April always took him for being way into this stuff.

"All right, I'm gonna roll us two joints," she explained, taking the grinds and spreading them with a practiced rub of her fingers along the little paper. "You're gonna smoke with me, Andy. I mean, if you're okay with that."

"Totally!"

"Andy," she whined, looking up and rolling her eyes.

"I mean it. If it'll help you talk, let's do it," his lips were still pursed though. "I was just… I mean, I've got a little bit of money and I don't wanna go broke again-"

"Relax, dude. Just… take this," she offered him up the one she just rolled. "Give me a few minutes and we can talk."

Andy touched it gingerly, holding it up to his mouth for a second before taking her lighter. A second later he was choking softly, a little rusty, and she just laughed at him. Like usual, all it did was make Andy smile and return her laugh with gusto and, before long, he was taking small puffs while she finished with hers. Being watched doing this wasn't that big of a deal since she'd gotten decent at it by herself, and she didn't have anything to hide from him. But, really, she just wanted to be a little more loose when she tried to talk about it.

"So, what's the deal? I mean… I get it, you're the cool indie kid," Andy made a goofy dancing zig-zag with his legs crossed, looking as ridiculous as ever. "You probably smoke all the time!" he gestures but April just shrugs her shoulders in response. "Oh, really? So is this… uh, is this about how you looked, um, y'know bad-weird today?"

"Yeah," she admitted, licking this next one closed and not bothering with a cardboard filter at the moment. "It's about that, yeah."

"We don't have to-"

"Sometimes… uh, you ever go in a big room or a party and feel like there's a thousand people right next to you? Like, instead of ten it's hundreds all squished up next to you?" April beckoned for the lighter and he tossed it over, sliding himself over to the central bed and leaning his back onto it. His face takes on something like pensive, but as thoughtful as she's ever seen Andy for sure. "One question is fifty too many and, like, they all suck-" she looks at her little, mangled spliff and sighs. "I dunno, people are annoying but sometimes I just say shit, y'know?"

"Huh," Andy said with a curious expression she had never seen before, and he took a tiny puff of his own cigarette before he set the remains down in the little ashtray.

"Like, if I'm creepy or weird they'll just leave me alone, y'know? They'll know I'm the freak and let me alone," she shrugged again, noticed it's becoming a nervous tick and tried to stop herself from doing it again but just before she spoke once more her shoulders lifted and dropped just the same. "Don't get me wrong, dead bodies are cool."

"Totally the coolest."

"But, it's definitely way easier to scare people off that way," she looked at him, expecting him to understand but of course he won't. "You don't get that, though. You're in love with, like, everyone."

"I mean, maybe I don't get it but I do get you," he pointed at her knowingly, his eyes drooping a little. "If it helps, it helps! That's awesome, though."

"What's awesome?"

"That you're telling me all this stuff about you," Andy smiled and scooted closer to her. "You are so cool."

"Shut up," April deflected, an unmistakable smirk across her face.

"So when you go to parties and people are around you and stuff you just-?"

"Get super baked," April nodded.

"Awesome."

"That was all lame shit anyways. Derek and Ben were way more into that scene than I was," April shrugged. "I don't wanna talk about those losers."

"Aw-"

Before he could get another word out, April leaned forward and left a sloppy, wet crash of lips take care of what she wanted to say. Breaking off, she gave him another smile and his grin grew three times.

"Y'know what I haven't done in, like, forever?"

"What'sat?"

April pushed him further back towards the bed and brought them both up, standing, to get her point across. When it didn't land, she guided them onto the bed into a tumbling, giggling, raucous mess. Whether they even got to the sex (and she hasn't gotten laid in forever and especially not while stoned) wasn't important, but April felt like those ten thousand hands of anxious worry fell off of her arms when she could tell him about them. It felt secret, but not between them, and safe. It just felt right.