- Chapter 9: Hot Springs -

After we got back from our cave hunt, and Ishigaki gushed to everyone about the swords for what felt like a half hour, and Haruhi told us where the hot springs were, and designated which one was the girls' and which was the boys', and gave her usual admonishment about peeking, and we walked to our own hot spring, and tested how hot the water was, and stripped down...

...we settled in... and relaxed.

About damn time.

The water felt amazingly good. Its warmth provided a calmness that I didn't usually feel on an SOS Brigade expedition, especially not with an enemy of the brigade lurking about. Breathing in the warm vapor, bit by bit, every part of me was soothed and refreshed.

Including my mind. Looking it over calmly, I saw that what Ms. Asahina told me about Haruhi and my future couldn't possibly be true. Haruhi had some likable qualities, but there wasn't a single part of me that wasn't utterly terrified of having that sort of relationship with her. How could I possibly enter into a relationship that terrified me? I didn't like the idea of Miss Asahina having lied to me, but it was certainly more palatable than the idea of me being locked into a choice that I would never make.

I took in the feeling of my body floating in the water. Life, when I thought it over, was a pretty good bargain. I was away from the concerns of school, spending time in the fresh air with friends and promising acquaintances, and I'd just had a cave adventure that most of my classmates would envy. I even felt some good will towards Yanami. Hell, if Nagato liked him enough to care what I thought of him, he couldn't be that bad.

Right now, Taniguchi didn't seem like a pest, just an amusing friend. While tree climbing he'd fallen off the second branch and landed in some bush which gave him glowing red patches all across his face and limbs, adding emphasis to the "amusing" part. "Come on, now, Kyon. Enough's enough. You have to tell me what Ishigaki said about me."

"Didn't I already?" I said, head tilted back.

"You just said she doesn't want to dump her lousy boyfriend. You haven't said a word about what she thinks of me."

"Taniguchi," I sighed, not in weariness or exasperation, but in contentment. "Miss Ishigaki just got to explore a cave and discover a pair of ancient samurai swords. Boyfriend or no, you're the last thing on her mind right now. Just let it go."

"I'm inclined to agree," Chisuga said. "Perhaps one day your beloved's eye may fall your way, but the time is not right."

"Beloved?" Taniguchi grimaced. "Who said she was my beloved? I'm just trying to get a girlfriend here."

"You don't have a chance with her, pal," I told him.

"I wouldn't go that far," Koizumi said. "But a camping trip does not seem like the right venue for pursuing a woman who says she's not interested."

Taniguchi looked around at the lot of us ruefully. "Fine. Then I might as well at least get a good look at her while I have the chance." Before I could process what that meant, he had grabbed his towel and got out of the water. "Who's with me? We gotta hurry. Some of them might decide to get out early."

"I will not come within visual range of that onsens until the girls are again fully clothed, and if you value your life, I strongly recommend you do not either. Miss Suzumiya was quite explicit about no peeking."

"Hey, I'm not planning on getting caught."

I snorted. "No one ever plans on getting caught. Also, have you considered respecting the girls' privacy?"

"Man, what century are you from? I've got magazines full of girls who don't care if hundreds of guys see them naked."

"The girls we're camping with aren't them."

"That's what so great about watching them bathe!" He assumed a lecturer's pose, with one finger in the air, while still holding a towel around his waist with his other hand. "You're getting to see girls that you personally know completely exposed. That's why this is a time-honored tradition among young men! Just think: From now on, whenever you see these girls at school, you'll know exactly what they look like under their uniforms!"

Oh, that is most definitely NOT an incentive. Getting to see Miss Asahina, Nagato, Tsuruya, and even Ishigaki naked might have fleeting appeal, but I couldn't possibly keep a straight face afterward. They'd figure it out, and I'd be dead. And Haruhi? Forget it. Even ignoring all likelihood of being caught, I'd never be able to concentrate in class again with a girl I'd seen naked seated right behind me.

"Spying on girls while they bathe is a cliché of cartoons and video games, not a real world tradition," Chisuga remarked. "Think it over calmly and you'll see what you're proposing is outlandish, foolhardy, and even barbaric."

"Ugh, you and Kyon are both sticks in the mud. Yanami, you're with me, right?"

Yanami was too embarrassed to even look at Taniguchi. He just stared into the water and shook his head. So, maybe not quite as scummy as I originally thought.

"Okay, fine! You idiots can just sit there while I'm having the thrill of a lifetime. Enjoy your regrets!"

He stalked off.

Chisuga stirred, pulling himself out of the water. "I'd better alert the girls."

"Use my phone," Koizumi suggested. "I have all of them but Ishigaki in my contacts."

I shook my head. "Don't bother the girls. Taniguchi's just trying to talk big. You'll be interrupting their bath for nothing."

"Perhaps you're willing to take that chance, but I'm not." Chisuga tied his towel firmly around his waist. "Very well. I won't call them, but I'll intercept Taniguchi before he can reach the girls."

He headed off. Two down. Oh well, I didn't think too much of Chisuga's company, anyway. Like Koizumi, he came off as a bit phony.

"I guess that's a good idea," I said aloud. "If we let Taniguchi go off on his own, he'd probably lie and say he saw the girls bathing."

"And you're not concerned at all that he might actually do just that?"

"I'm not sure about his morals, but he doesn't have the guts. He might have if one of us had gone with him, but he's not going to spy on the girls alone."

There was a moment of quiet, and I noticed Yanami looking anxiously back and forth at me and Koizumi.

"I have to go to the bathroom," he said, and slipped out of the water in a hurry.

Well, that was weird. I get that he's afraid I'll attack him while Haruhi's not around, but does he really think Koizumi and I would gang up on him? Maybe I should actually clear the air with him. It doesn't feel good to have someone afraid of me.

"You seem in a good mood," my sole remaining bathing companion said.

"Is there some reason I shouldn't be?"

"There certainly is." I now noticed that Koizumi was no longer wearing his usual smile. "You weren't honestly thinking it was coincidence that the wishes you and Miss Ishigaki expressed at this morning's meeting were both granted in full? The simultaneous discovery of an archaeological treasure and two previously unknown hot springs, both by a group of teenagers blindly wandering?"

"Of course it's not coincidence." I leaned back, flicking one of my feet up out of the water. "I'm just not surprised something like this happened. We already agreed that Haruhi's powers are running amok, right?" I couldn't help but enjoy the way Koizumi was scowling at me. "I'm starting to think that's not such a problem. If Haruhi being happy means we get fruitful adventures and relaxing hot baths, I say let her be happy. Didn't you say you were fine with the consequences?"

"This is something of a whole new order. You do know where hot springs come from, don't you?" He allowed a dramatic pause. "They're volcanic. Miss Suzumiya is shifting around the Earth's tectonic plates just to please you."

"She doesn't look like she strained herself too badly doing it."

"Be serious. The geological consequences of this could be catastrophic."

I sat back up. "Alright, so we tell her the truth."

"Out of the question."

"I think she's ready to know."

"But you are not sure, are you? I've told you before, we must be sure."

"Then what's your alternative?" I was starting to feel irritated again. "Because if you want me to make Haruhi unhappy again, forget it. I'm not playing back-and-forth games with Haruhi's emotions."

"You don't need to make her unhappy. Simply calm her down. I don't know what you did with her last night, but between that and your White Day feat, she's sailing on a cloud right now." A trace of his familiar smirk returned. "And seemingly so are you."

"I just got exactly the hot bath I was wishing for. Excuse me for enjoying it." I flicked some water at his face. "So how do you suggest we calm her down? Should I quit the SOS Brigade?"

"Quitting the SOS Brigade would excite her, not calm her."

I guess that's true. Either Haruhi would start hatching schemes to get me back into the Brigade, or she'd take advantage of me not being around to question her ideas, and just go berserk with all sorts of evil projects.

"You're thinking in terms of opposites. Encouragement is the problem, so you see discouragement as the solution. But both are problems. The only possible solution is inaction. This trip is far from over, so it stands to reason Miss Suzumiya's plan to reboot her relationship with you probably has additional phases. The next time something happens between you like what happened last night, don't respond."

"What do you mean, don't respond?"

He shrugged. "Without knowing the situation, I cannot give exact directions. But for example, during the fashion show rehearsal, do not stare too long at Miss Suzumiya."

"Why would I do that in the first place?"

"You haven't seen quite all of the outfits the girls have prepared, and you haven't actually seen Miss Suzumiya wearing any of them. You might be astounded at how good she looks in them."

This was getting too ridiculous. Yes, in the right outfit or circumstances, Haruhi could look pretty damn stunning. But I wasn't going to go all googly-eyed like some idiotic cartoon character. Time to shift to a new subject. "Right. And you shouldn't stare too long at Nagato during the show, either."

He squinted at me. "Why specifically Miss Nagato?"

"Come on. When we were stuck in that mansion, you said you would go against your own agency to protect Nagato. Then in that private detectives world, you were insistent about not taking any chances that Haruhi might kill Nagato. You obviously have a thing for her."

"Hmm." He smiled. "I see your point. It is rather crude and illogical of me to insinuate romantic feelings between you and Miss Suzumiya based on purely non-romantic interactions. However, you should -"

That was a good point, but not why I brought up him and Nagato. I pointed out that he was the only one who seemed remotely interested when she started talking about diffracting planes of corporeal energy and compounding informational perspectives, and lately he kept talking like he'd take a bullet for her.

"You are serious." He stared at me. "Kyon, I can't love Miss Nagato. She isn't even human." He got that scholarly look on his face. "Miss Nagato is a data-based organism. Love, at least in the sense that we humans use the word, is not even part of the framework in which her kind exists. While humanoid interfaces such as herself are capable of sexual reproduction, that is only because the Data Integration Thought Entity did not want to limit their ability to emulate and communicate with real humans. Romantic love is something she learned about from a book, not something she could experience herself. If she became pregnant, her offspring would be a mix of her partner's DNA and the DNA of the humanoid body the Data Integration Thought Entity created for her; the true Nagato, the stream of data which comprises her personality and identity, cannot have offspring."

I told him in no uncertain terms that romance is not just about sex.

"True, but they are deeply connected. Would you consider a woman the love of your life if you knew the two of you could never have sex nor have children?"

"If she really were that special, I certainly wouldn't give her up just so that I could have sex with another girl."

"So, beneath your cynical exterior lies a romantic idealist. Most interesting. However, I am a realist, and while the fantasy of an interspecies romance might be charming, the reality is repugnant. We would be pretending to be compatible, when in truth, we cannot even fully comprehend each other's fundamental values and desires."

If that were true, then I really wondered why he was so determined to protect Nagato.

"Is that truly so unclear to you? I am very fond of Miss Nagato. Not in the manner of romance, or friendship. Miss Nagato has sacrificed all her personal desires in order to shoulder the burden of her duty and the good of those she cares for. She feels so guilty over having succumbed to her own desires once, when she reshaped the world, that she seems ashamed of wanting anything for herself, dedicating her entire being to protecting you and Miss Suzumiya, serving the SOS Brigade, and doing her manifold duties for her own kind. To me, it is impossible not to feel admiration and sympathy for such a creature, and to want to protect her, even at the risk of my own life."

"But you have no problem with Yanami getting his hands on her?"

"Ah." The light of illumination came over Koizumi's face. "So that is why you are determined to make me see Nagato in a romantic light. You want to fix me up with her in order to keep Yanami out of the picture."

I had to admit that I found the idea of Nagato and Koizumi together significantly less appalling than Nagato and Yanami together.

"I'm afraid you waste your time, then. First and foremost, I find it highly doubtful that Nagato might pursue a romantic relationship, least of all with a human. As I already said, her species is not familiar with such concepts. You have nothing to worry about. Second, if she were interested in such a relationship, I would not be inclined to interfere in her love life. Third, even if I were so inclined, I wouldn't stand a chance. Miss Nagato cares nothing for me. If her orders called for it, I am sure she would calmly stand by while I fell to my death."

"You don't sound too bothered by that."

"Indeed not. On the contrary, it is a great relief to me that I am not one more burden on Miss Nagato's shoulders. Like you, I feel she has taken on more than enough already. In fact, I ask that you not repeat any of what I have just told you to her. It might well cause her to feel some obligation towards me."

"I already did," I told him. "Well, part of it. During all those time travel adventures, she mentioned that her primary concern is protecting me and Haruhi. I said it would have been nice if she included you in that statement, given the supportive things you said about her during the mansion incident."

"I see." He looked troubled at that piece of information. "And?"

"And nothing," I admitted. "We started talking about the enemy that attacked her at the mansion."

"Hmm." He traced an index finger through the water. "No harm done then, most likely. She may have not understood your meaning, or simply been indifferent to my sentiments."

"Is that so."

"That discourages you? Surely you realize that we merely act as friends for Miss Suzumiya's benefit. Miss Asahina, Miss Nagato, and I all have our own separate – if not necessarily conflicting – duties to perform. I rather find it heartening that any genuine fondness has emerged between us at all. You and Miss Suzumiya have worked quite the influence on us."

"Have we now." I didn't like this. While I didn't trust Koizumi's assessment of Nagato's thoughts and feelings of itself, what he was saying rang true. Nagato often followed advice and instruction from Koizumi, yet she had never shown any affection for him, the way she had for me, Haruhi, and even Miss Asahina to some extent. Now, I certainly had no delusions of us becoming one big happy family, like the party members in an RPG. In the real world, when you throw a bunch of people with radically different backgrounds and personalities together behind a common cause, they work towards that cause and that's it. But I did expect us to at least be willing to defend each other. Because with people like that sneering bastard and Goro Mishima popping up, I had a feeling that if the SOS Brigade didn't stand together, we were doomed.

Then I remembered something. "I've got a question for you," I said to Koizumi. "Is Chisuga -"

"Did someone mention my name?" Chisuga, damn his timing, emerged from the thicket, holding Taniguchi by the arm with his right hand, and Yanami by the shoulder with his left.

"Not quite," Koizumi replied. "But I was beginning to wonder what was taking you so long."

"I ended up having to catch two would-be voyeurs."

"I told you, I just had to go to the bathroom!" Yanami protested.

"Then why were you walking in the direction of the girls' onsen?"

"I just picked a direction at random! How could anyone tell which way is which in these woods? Every way you go is just more trees and brush!"

Chisuga gave a hearty snort. "Do you expect us to believe that moss grows on a different side of the trees in these campgrounds? Koizumi, you're deputy chief of the group sponsoring this expedition, are you not? How shall we punish them?"

"How shall we punish them"? Has this guy been rehearsing for a kids' play about feudal times?

"I would rather leave the delegation of punishment to Miss Suzumiya," Koizumi said with disinterest. "She must be informed in any case."

"Aw, come on, man!" Taniguchi groaned. "You really have to bring her into it? Talk about traitors to your own gender!"

Yanami was looking pale and shaky now. And in all honesty, I couldn't blame him. As a member of the Computer Society, he knew well how imaginative Haruhi could be in her punishments.

"B-but..." Yanami squeaked. "The other girls... they don't have to be told, do they? It would only upset them..."

...Damn it. I raised a hand. "Hold it. I think Yanami's telling the truth. He wasn't going to spy on the girls."

Chisuga frowned. "How can you be so sure?"

Three things, really. Yanami wasn't that convincing a liar; he wasn't stupid enough to blow any chance he had with Nagato on some puerile hijinks; and most importantly, it was a fact that none of those Computer Society guys could find their way around a place like this any better than I could. But I doubted that would convince Mr. "moss always grows on such-and-such side of a tree", so I just said, "Nagato told me when he was paired off with her for yesterday's search, he was totally hopeless at finding his way around. Even if he wanted to spy on the girls, he couldn't have found them except by blind luck."

Chisuga's lips pinched and curled. "Koizumi?"

Koizumi nodded. "I trust Kyon's judgment."

He accordingly released Yanami's shoulder. Yanami let out a breath of relief.

"Wait a minute, you're going to stand up for him but not for me?" Taniguchi objected.

I sighed. "Taniguchi, you confessed to everyone before you even left."

"That doesn't mean you have to go along with sicking Suzumiya on me! Jeez, have some mercy! Can't we at least leave Ishigaki out of this?"

Meanwhile, Yanami was bowing towards me in gratitude. Which just made me want to slap him, a little. Still, it was better than him being afraid of me, and I had to admit to liking the irony. He thought I had saved him from Haruhi, when in actuality, Haruhi had saved him from me. If she hadn't given me that talk last night, I wouldn't have given a second thought to dragging him before the court of Haruhi Suzumiya just to make him look bad in front of Nagato.

So enjoy your exoneration, Yanami. You owe Haruhi for your being saved from Haruhi.

"We already agreed that you have no chance with Miss Ishigaki," Koizumi answered. "You should rather concern yourself with whether Miss Suzumiya will ban you from the fashion show rehearsal."

That actually would be a punishment well-suited to the crime.

"Alright." I grabbed my towel and heaved myself out of the spring. "My extremities have gotten wrinkly enough. I'm going to have some lunch and then grab a nap."

"A good idea," Koizumi said. "The girls will be busy with preparations for the fashion show rehearsal, so you won't be needed for a while. And you'll certainly want to be fresh for the festivities."

That's right. The climactic event of this trip. And Goro Mishima hadn't struck yet.

Damn it. If he ruins this for me, I'll kill him.

Author's notes: Things have been crazy lately, so I'm going to keep this fic bi-weekly for just one more chapter. I'm working on chapter 12 at the time of this posting, so it should be no problem for me to go back to weekly and stay there once chapter 10 goes up.