Angry.
That was how Miguel felt when he looked at his old Ernesto de la Cruz merchandise for the first time in months.
Angry at him for what he did to his family, and anger at himself for believing his lies for so long. He felt pretty stupid for liking the guy in the first place.
Even though things are different now than they were before, it just felt…wrong to have the murderer's face showing up in the comfort of Miguel's home. Miguel hates Ernesto for hurting Papá Héctor, for giving him an afterlife of misery, and for deceiving Mama Imelda. But he also hates himself a little too, for believing him.
Miguel needs to get rid of that stuff.
So, when nobody is looking, sneaks a knife from the kitchen. Not a big one, but the knife was sharp enough to cut paper. He knew he would get in trouble later, but that didn't matter right now. He goes into his closet, where the merchandise was put three months ago. And he takes out everything. The posters, the figurines, the vinyl record. And he heads out into the courtyard.
Miguel sets the stuff down on the ground, and for a brief moment he feels tears on his cheeks. He shakes his head. And tears the first poster apart, not caring about the resulting paper cuts. It felt good. He ripped the next one apart, this time with more force because the paper was thicker. He uses the knife to try to carve an "X" into Ernesto's face. This is what you get for hurting us, for hurting Héctor, he thought. Tears were really pouring out of his eyes now.
Rip, rip, rip. The third poster was made from card stock, so it was no surprise that it didn't tear right away. Miguel only made a tiny tear before he threw it to the ground and grabbed the knife. His hand was shaking. He hates Ernesto's guts. He hates his smug grin. But when he brought the knife down, it got his hand.
"AAAOOOWWW!!!"
The blade grazed the side of Miguel's hand, surprising him with the pain. He drops the knife. He couldn't take it anymore. Miguel's breathing sped, his heart pounding, and he clutched his hand as he fell to the ground, curling up into a ball and crying, not noticing any of his surroundings. He couldn't think, he couldn't move, and he couldn't breathe.
out of my head-
I can't breathe!
These thoughts fill Miguel's head as he curls into himself. He's lost track of time. Breathing hurts now. It was as if the world was fading away…
~
As soon as Rosa heard the scream she ran outside. Miguel was on the ground, curled up tight, his breathing so fast that it almost appeared he wasn't even doing it. It honestly scared Rosa. She knelt next to her cousin.
"Miguel? Miguel! Hey! Come on, talk to me!" She said in a shaky voice.
Rosa was in no way experienced in comfort. Noticing the Ernesto de la Cruz merchandise, torn up posters, and a bloody knife, she decided she had to find someone. And with that, she ran inside, almost bumping into her Tia Luisa.
"I heard a scream! What…?" She asked frantically.
Rosa pointed outside. "It's Miguel. Something's wrong!" And Luisa was in the courtyard.
~
When Luisa got to her son, the way he was shaking scared her immensely. He looked like he stopped breathing. But she quickly tried to comfort him. Let him know she's there. She carefully lifted him up and pulled him closer to her, albeit slowly so as not to scare him, but nonetheless startling him a little bit as he flinched and attempted to push away weakly.
"Mijo, hey! Hey, look at me, calmate, it's me. It's Mamá, it's okay." Luisa said as calmly as possible. The boy relaxed a little bit, sobbing seemingly in relief. "Shh, deep breaths." she calmly instructed, inhaling and exhaling slowly to demonstrate. "It's okay, I've got you, mijo. I'm right here." She soothed, stroking his hair.
Soon enough, Miguel was able to lift his head to look at her. Luisa smiled and sighed in relief. He's going to be okay, she thought to herself.
"Mamá?" He, murmured, and Luisa pulled him in for a tight embrace. Miguel wrapped his arms around his mother, crying into her shoulder, not wanting to let go. When she pulled back, some snot was coming out of his nose and he was hiccuping from crying so much.
"Estas bien?" She asked, gently holding his face, wiping tears away with her thumb.
Miguel nodded. "I think so…" Then she noticed the cut on his hand.
"How did this happen?" She gasped. "It hurts…" Miguel says. Luisa shook her head and helped her boy up.
"Come on, Miguel, let's get that cleaned up. You can tell me in the bathroom." She explained, guiding him by his hand.
~
Mamá gently rubbed Miguel's back as he threw up into the toilet, as he felt nauseous from the mild panic attack. She never let go of him. Normally, Miguel would be embarrassed to be babied by his mother at 13. But right now, it didn't matter. He wanted her comfort. And he didn't forget briefly hearing Rosa trying to get his attention, so he'll have to thank her later.
After getting him to sit on the edge of the bathtub, Mamá got some bandages and hydrogen peroxide out of the cabinet, and then knelt in front of the boy with a damp washcloth, taking his cut hand. Miguel braces himself for the sting.
"Try to hold still, mijo. This will sting." She reminds him.
The washcloth does sting against Miguel's hand, but he relaxes after a few seconds, letting the medicine do its thing.
"Are you going to tell me what that was all about?" Mamá asks, beginning to wrap Miguel's hand in a bandage.
He gulps. "Lo siento, I wasn't thinking, I was just so angry about De la Cruz and what he did to our family, a-and I hate that I had so much faith in him!" Miguel rambles.
"It's okay, mijo. It's alright. You were just acting on your emotions and that's okay. Si, you overreacted. But you have every right to be angry." Mamá reassured, squeezing her son's shoulders.
Miguel relaxes under her touch. He's glad his mother is understanding.
"You know, I'm angry too. When you told me what that man did to you, I was furious that anyone would try to hurt you. But you being here alive and well is enough to calm my fears." She reassured.
Miguel and Mamá hug each other once again, before Miguel has enough energy to go back outside to clean up his mess. He hopes Abuelita won't be angry.
"I'm going back out to clean up the mess, Mamá," he explains.
"Alright, but don't strain that hand. And let me know if you want help. I'll explain what happened to your father and Abuelita." Mamá says, letting the boy leave.
~
When Miguel made it into the hall, he was met with Rosa's concerned face.
"Oh, thank god, you're okay…" she murmurs before hugging her cousin, Miguel returning the affection.
When they pulled away from each other, Miguel smiled at Rosa. "Gracias for getting Mamá. I don't know what would've happened if I had been there longer." He says.
"Don't worry about it. Tia heard you scream anyway, but I'm just happy you're okay." Rosa says, waving a hand.
"Oh…she heard me scream?" Miguel wonders if the rest of the family heard him too. But Mamá said she'd explain the situation to them, so he hopes they'll be at least a little calm about it.
It was as if his prima could read his mind, because she says "Everybody else heard you, that's for sure." She says, also nervous about their reaction. Then she shakes her head. "Anyway, how are you feeling?"
"Lightheaded, but I'll be okay. My hand's not hurting as much, either." He explains. "I should've been thinking…"
"Which reminds me!" Rosa interjects, trying to bring her primo back to the present. "I saw the De la Cruz merchandise. I have some ideas on how to get rid of it, if you'll let me help you?" She explains.
Miguel smiles and nods in approval. "Sure." He knows she'd follow him anyway if he rejected her. Besides, he wants to see if her ideas are any good.
~
Rosa's idea of getting rid of the merchandise was to cut up the posters they don't want (with scissors this time), but salvage what they can use in the future. It's a lot of work, but they will do it.
Despite the scissors being there, Miguel rips apart posters with his hands instead of cutting. Rosa rolls her eyes. Meanwhile, she has other ideas for the posters. Maybe she could use the scrap pieces and craft them into something else? She shakes her head. Me and my eye for art, She thinks. Then she notices Miguel folding a piece of paper into a hat. So he had the same idea as well.
Miguel put the makeshift hat on Rosa's head, covering the flower on her headband, and laughed at how silly she looked.
She playfully shoves him. "You dork!" She exclaims. But she's glad to see her cousin feeling better.
~
Miguel keeps tearing and crumbling pieces of paper until he comes across the wooden figurine of De la Cruz. As he remembers Papá Héctor's face, he gets an idea. What if he painted the figurine over so it looked like him instead? So he puts it in one of the boxes Rosa had set out.
Miguel also sets aside one of De la Cruz's vinyl records. It may not be playable, but at least he can take off the De la Cruz label and instead use it for something else.
He sees Rosa making paper boats out of the torn posters and guesses she's giving them to Manny and Benny. Miguel decides he'll make the same thing for Socorro.
After a moment, Rosa stops to turn to him. "You know it's okay to talk to us, right, Miguel?" She asks.
Miguel looks down. "I'm sorry…I'm still used to getting through this on my own." He murmurs.
Rosa puts a hand on his shoulder. "I may not be any good at mushy pep talks, or comfort, but I promise that things are not like they were before. I'm still getting used to this as well, but I want to try to help you."
Miguel grins at her. "Thanks."
Then Rosa ruffles his hair. "No problem. Wouldn't want you spiraling into madness like I always knew you would, right?"
He rolls his eyes but nods in agreement. "Nope!"
At that, the two cousins wrap up their work and stand up, Rosa carrying the boxes inside and Miguel bringing the trash to the trash bin.
~
In his room, Miguel sets out the things on his desk. He decided to keep the mug, the figurine, and the vinyl record so he can redesign them. Or as he likes to put it, "fix" them.
He sits down to think, feeling exhaustion setting in, just like the morning he came back from the Land of the Dead. This must've been how Mamá Imelda felt when she thought Papá Héctor left.
No, he won't dwell on the past. He knows Papá Héctor and Mamá Imelda are back together, and things are looking up for everyone now. He needs to move forward.
Just then, Miguel's parents and Abuelita came into his room, along with his baby sister Socorro cradled in Mamá's arms.
"Dios mio! Are you alright? Your mother told us what happened!" Abuelita said frantically, hugging Miguel tightly. When he gasped for air, she let go. "Lo siento, am I smothering you?"
Miguel shakes his head. "I'm okay, Abuelita, I promise."
Papá kneels down so that he is at Miguel's level. "You know you can talk to us about these things now, right? We'll always be here for you." He says, looking sad.
"We love you, Miguel." Mamá adds as they all hug the boy.
Miguel smiles at his parents and grandmother after they pull away from each other. He didn't want them to be upset, but here they were. At least they weren't upset with him. He wipes away a stray tear. "I love you too."
Mamá steps forward, handing baby Coco towards Miguel as she reached for her brother. "I think this little one was worried about you too."
Miguel happily holds his sister, "Don't worry, hermana, I'm okay." And Coco reaches for his face as he laughs softly.
~
After his family leaves his room (but not before Abuelita peppers his face with kisses), Miguel gets a box of his old baby toys that he hasn't gotten rid of yet out of his closet, and sets it out for Coco, wanting to keep her entertained. While she is exhausting, Miguel loves her with all his heart. He guesses this must've been how Papá Héctor felt when Mamá Coco was born.
(Also, she was getting heavy, which meant carrying her was a sort of workout for the boy.)
Miguel got his art supplies out of his desk drawer. While music used to be banned in the house, art certainly wasn't. So while Miguel couldn't find the time to practice music in secret, he entertained himself drawing. And while he wasn't the best artist, he still liked doing it.
Suddenly he hears Rosa clearing her throat. "You didn't think you were doing this alone, did you?"
Miguel smirks at the girl. "Alright, come on in."
Rosa sets out the vinyl records, and some stencils and paint. Believe it or not, Miguel appreciates the extra help. Baby Coco in the corner laughs and shakes a maraca toy as the two work together on their project.
Miguel is too happy to find the noise irritating. Instead, he occasionally taps a beat with his pencil to make it sound like music, and Rosa joins in.
The music will help, as will his family. And he will help them. And I want it to stay this way, Miguel thinks as he turns to the mug and the figurine. He knows what he wants to do. And these will make great ofrenda gifts next Dia de los Muertos.
~
For the next several months, a new decoration occupied the Rivera workshop. 3 vinyl records with the Rivera logo printed in the middle where a De la Cruz logo used to be.
And on the next Dia de los Muertos, Héctor's heart swelled with pride when he took a repainted figurine of him. And although Miguel couldn't see him, he still thanked the boy.
And Imelda felt the same way when she took a mug that was repainted to have the Rivera shoe logo on one side, and a music note on the other.
And Miguel made these gifts because of his family's love. Because they were there for him. And he was ever so grateful for that.