Yay! Hello! So I'm really kind of waiting on my imagination to get back in happy mode because I feel like this story is really depressing. And I keep thinking of ways to make it more depressing and I really want to do them but I don't want people to think it's just going to be like this all the time. That being said... the next chapter I will force myself to put in a little bit of progress? Deal? Okay. Well get ready for some crazy Emma in this one! :)
Enjoy!
What's in a Dream
The waiting room for Dr. Hopper's office was as bland as a high school principal's office. Emma wished the man would get some kind of interior decorator because if his patients weren't already depressed coming in, then they sure would be after waiting for hours in the waiting room.
Emma's foot nervously bounced up and down as the hour slowly ticked away. This was only the second of many sessions Regina was having with Dr. Hopper. She had been out of the hospital only a week and even though Emma hated the fact that Regina needed a psychiatrist, Regina was in good spirits about talking with him and if she was okay with it, Emma would try to be okay with it.
The first day, she bit her nails down to the quick. Today, she was sure she was going to shake from her jeans, but no matter how hard she tried she couldn't make the shaking stop. Nervousness never looked good on her. And on top of all that she couldn't hear a single word from the other side of the blank wooden door. Sure, Dr. Hopper couldn't afford an interior designer but he could afford sound proof walls.
"You are looking good today, Regina. Are you getting some good rest?" Dr. Hopper sat down in his oversized chair and adjusted his jacket. Regina sat upright on the couch across from him, still mildly uncomfortable with this whole session thing despite her good spirit act she put on for Emma sake. Dr. Hopper assured her on her first visit a few days ago that she was in no way required to have these sessions but in his opinion he did recommend she at least try them. She felt that wouldn't be too much of a problem seeing as she didn't have much else to do, and it probably would help talking out some of the feelings she was having.
"Yes, actually I have been sleeping quite well." She genuinely smiled trying to cover up her lie.
"That's great to hear. How are things with Emma and Henry?" He asked casually. She couldn't tell if he actually believed her or he was just continuing for the sake of not going too deep too soon.
"Same as before I think. Just kind of learning as we go." Regina spoke honestly.
"And how about just you and Emma? How do you feel that relationship is going?" He crossed his legs and scribbled a short note on the clipboard in his lap.
"Uh…" Regina paused. She knew he would be thorough in his questioning but she suddenly wished she had prepared before coming. "I guess you could say things have been quiet." She looked down at her hands.
"Quiet? What do you mean by that?" Dr. Hopper continued.
Regina squeezed her hands together nervously. "Well, we haven't really done much. She has been helping me a lot with showing me around, and she cooks dinner, very messily I might add." Dr. Hopper laughed a little hoping to lighten the mood. "She helps me around the house, constantly reminding me where things are and if I ever need anything she is quick to make sure I have it, but as far as that there hasn't been much going on."
"How's your memory so far? Are you noticing that you are being forgetful or losing track of things more than usual?"
"No, I remember everything pretty well actually. I mean I forgot where I set my keys the other day but that was it." She shrugged slightly.
"That's normal." He assured her. "Have you been able to get out and walk around town?"
"I went for a walk yesterday morning." Regina answered.
"Were you by yourself or with anyone else?" He jotted down some notes again.
"I was alone. I woke up early and I just needed some fresh air. I don't think Emma knows I left. She was still asleep when I returned." She looked over at one of his dark walls and her eyes danced across the large certificates that were framed around the room. She couldn't read them from that distance due to the fancy cursive writing on them but she just needed something to look at and distract her from Dr. Hopper's scribbles.
"And you didn't feel the need to tell her after she woke up?"
She felt a bit attacked by the question but she took a deep breath and calmed herself knowing he was just doing his job. And his job was to be inquisitive.
"It never came up." She answered shortly.
"How was the walk? Did you see anything you made a point to remember?" He questioned, bringing her attention back to him.
"I didn't go far, just around the block. Mostly houses." She thought harder about it, trying to pinpoint something that may have stuck out to her. "I did pass by the sheriff station." She added.
"What made that particular building stand out to you?"
She thought for a moment trying to picture it in her mind. "Well it was a pretty plain building I guess, nothing special architecturally anyway. There was only three police cars out front, one being the sheriffs. I guess I thought that was kind of odd for some reason." She watched him jot down notes on his pad as she spoke, wondering what he thought could be so important for him to write down.
"There was a man standing out front. He looked like a soldier. He had dark hair, and it was shaved short on the sides but longer on the top. I think he saw me but I couldn't quite tell where he was looking."
"Did you speak to him?" Dr. Hopper narrowed his eyes in curiosity.
"No. He was just standing there, like a ghost." Regina admitted.
"Like a ghost?"
"Yes. I know that might sound weird. But it was like I had seen him before and I was looking at him but he was just looking right through me like I wasn't even there."
The room grew quiet as Dr. Hopper took down his notes. She must have said something good because this was the first time he didn't have an immediate follow up question. He stopped writing and studied his notes curiously chewing on the end of his pencil.
"Do you dream when you sleep?" He continued to explain after the confused look he received from Regina. "I ask because sometimes are dreams become our suppressed memories and when those memories come back to us there are residual effects in our lives when we are awake. This man at the police station for example. You may have dreamt about him. He may have been a part of your life before the accident. I wonder if you can remember your dreams, then we can use that to help get some of your memory back. If we can channel that sense, I think we could accomplish great leaps. There is so much science on it and I have so many resources I could use to help."
"Wait…" She interrupted him. "We don't even know if this is all true. Seeing my past in my dreams just sounds like a bunch of… magic." She waved away the thought.
"Believe it or not Regina, I've read plenty of case studies about it. They've been able to help people with cases of mild dementia and even memory loss patients. There is a lot of evidence to support that it's possible."
"Could I be able to look at these studies?" Regina asked after some silence.
"Oh of course!" He stood up excitedly and headed to his bookshelf. "I know I have a few books here about all of it. It's really quite fascinating. Just everything the mind can do even when we are not conscious is amazing." He scanned through the shelves of his disorganized bookshelf until he found the one he was looking for. It was an antique looking book, with leather bindings and a string that tied it closed. Dr. Hopper took a deep breath and blew the dust that had coated the front.
"This book was one of the first ones I read about the Dream/Memory Theory." He brought it over to Regina and sat it down on the coffee table between them.
"Was it the first ever written?" Regina questioned sarcastically as she wiped yet another layer of dust from the cover. Dr. Hopper laughed and sat back down in his chair, excited that Regina seemed interested.
"This is an original copy from the author of the book actually." He smiled proudly.
"Who was the author?" She wiped the bottom of the book until she could fairly make out a name at the bottom. William Hopper, MD. "Is this…"
"My father, yes. I guess finding the brain an interesting creature runs in my family. I remember when he wrote the book, and all the night he would be up through the night reading over his notes and coming up with new theories. He was on the team of doctors that did the first research on this dream theory. It's really fascinating stuff." He patted the book and the dust swirled around his hand, but despite the raggedy look of the book, Dr. Hopper had a twinge of pride in his father's work. Which he well deserved.
"Well I appreciate you allowing me to read it. If you think it will help, then I don't see why we can't give it a try." She smiled thinly.
"I truly do. I tell you what, how about we go ahead and call this one a little early. I think we've talked about enough this time. I'll give you some time to think about this and read some until our next session. Is that alright with you?"
"Of course. I am feeling a bit tired anyways." Regina stood up and cradled the book in her arms.
"Right because you have been getting so much sleep." Dr. Hopper smirked knowingly.
"Right." Regina nodded, caught in her lie.
They walked to the door together and just before Dr. Hopper opened it up, Regina stopped him with a question that frankly he wasn't really prepared to hear from the woman.
"Dr. Hopper is there something wrong with me?" He stood there a bit awkwardly, trying to get his thoughts together and figure out why she was asking this question. "I mean I know something is wrong, but I mean… will I be normal after this?
"Why would you say that, Regina?" He asked comfortingly. Regina fidgeted, a little reluctant to speak.
"I just… I just feel like something is wrong with me. Like there are so many things I'm supposed to be doing, but I… I can't. And… I don't know, I just feel like I'm not supposed to be here." She wasn't sure how clear she was being. She wasn't sure if she could be clear at all with what she was trying to say. The words just poured out of her like water overflowing a tub.
"What makes you feel like you are not supposed to be here?" He kept his attention firmly on her.
"I don't know how to explain it." She half whispered.
"It's alright, there is no pressure to explain how you feel Regina. This is why we do more than one session. Our minds are funny places. We think we are in control of what we think and what we feel but we aren't really. Our mind opens and closes as it pleases and we have small times in our lives when we become vulnerable and times when we are strong and times when we just have to let things out. It's never certain what we are going to be feeling on a day to day basis. The idea is that we live with who we are. And no matter the circumstances, we believe in ourselves and we trust ourselves." He assured her by placing a hand on her shoulder. "If there is anything you want to say, this office is always open to you. Day or night. You have my phone number and I am always on call."
"I'm just so uncertain about everything. Seeing that I had a life before this, I just feel the pressure of remembering what used to be. It's hard for me to start over when my past is haunting me. I guess I'm not really sure when the feelings started. One day I just thought to myself that I didn't belong here. Somehow I wasn't supposed to be here. I don't know anybody, I don't remember anything, and so why am I even here? I'm like a useless human being, just… I don't know." Regina could feel the tears coming and she hated herself for letting herself go like this. This was not her. But she didn't really know who she was anymore.
"You are anything but useless, Regina." Dr. Hopper tried to comfort her. "You mean a great deal to a lot of people. But your worth does is not dependent on how you make other people feel. You need to do what's best for you."
"I just feel like I had this great life before and I don't want to mess that up for everyone else. I can't even love Emma the way I'm supposed to. I'm sure deep down she hates me for all of this." She wiped a tear from her face.
"Nobody hates you. I can tell you for a fact that Emma loves you whether you can love her back or not. It's only been a week. You have to realize that this is going to take some time. You aren't required to feel any sort of way to make anyone else happy. Emma just wants you to be happy. Don't convince yourself that you have to change for anyone around you." He sounded so genuine that Regina felt a small smile play across her lips. The tightness in her chest released enough for her to take a deep breath and gather her thoughts.
"Thank you." She finally said as she dabbed under her eyes hoping not to smear her makeup. "Now I've gone and made a mess of myself in front of you, I'm sorry." She laughed.
"You don't have to apologize. I think we can get everything straightened out. It'll take some time, but I know you are strong and you want to do what you think is right. I have faith that in the end, everything is going to be okay."
Regina nodded in agreement but still felt like she couldn't believe every word he said. Was she really that strong?
"We'll see you back in a few days." He smiled and opened the door. "In the meantime, take care of yourself, Regina."
"Thank you Dr. Hopper." She turned to the waiting room as Dr. Hopper closed the door. She wiped her eyes with the tissue she had snagged from the table next to the couch before she walked out and looked around the empty room. She scrunched her eyebrows together at the emptiness now around her. She was sure there was supposed to be a blonde woman waiting for her.
Emma couldn't take the solemnness of the waiting room anymore and she needed some fresh air before her head absorbed any more of the stuffiness that filled the room. She checked her watch and figured she had time to run down to Granny's for a cup of coffee before Regina was through with her session. An hour seems like a long time in her opinion, but she guessed it gave her time to think too.
When she stepped outside of the office, she took a deep breath and looked around for a moment. The tiny town had barely waken up since the sun peaked above the horizon at about 7:30. Storybrooke was not known for its early risers. And though coffee did sound pretty good, the dock was also within walking distance as well and the lake was always a place where she could find some peace. It had been a place with so many memories in Emma's life and it was a place she could go and reflect without judgment. Just the continuous, calming rush of waves on the rocks. And it would be a nice place for some peace and quiet before all the rowdy families showed up when the weather warmed up.
"Good morning, Emma." The blonde turned to the sound of Coach Jones walking in her direction.
"Good morning, Coach." She thinly smiled.
"Whoa. I'm only Coach when I'm at school. Please call me Killian. Makes me feel more normal." He smiled handsomely.
"Okay, Killian. What are you doing out so early?" Emma asked. She looked around at the empty street around them.
"I was headed to the hardware store. Terrible things happen when your fridge goes out in the middle of the night and you don't know it, so I need to pick up a few parts." He shrugged.
"Ouch." Emma kicked at the ground.
Yeah, it was a bit of a shock when I took a swig of the milk before noticing it wasn't cold and a little curdled." He laughed a little remembering his early morning routine.
Emma laughed, but it was forced.
"What are you up to? Getting ready for the 4th of July festival tonight?" He turned to the door to Dr. Hopper office. "or are you getting your early morning fix in I see. I never took you for the "talk about your feelings" kind of woman." He raised an eyebrow.
"No. And is it already July 4th? Man, I haven't even been keeping track." Her smiled fell a little looking over at the chunky wooden door to Dr. Hopper's office. "No, I brought Regina to her session. She has an hour and the waiting room was just not cutting it for me so I figured I'd get some fresh air. And here we are."
"Oh, right. How is she doing?" He suddenly became curious and his voice dropped to a soothing tone.
"She's good." Emma faked. "This is only her second session so only time will tell I guess."
"Good. Has she been able to remember anything?" Jones asked. Emma really didn't want to talk about all this with him but she continued for the sake of hopefully ending this conversation soon.
"Uh, no not much. She remembers everything she has seen since she has been awake but as far as anything before, there is nothing." Emma admitted through a tight throat.
"Man, that's tough. I'm sorry you have to deal with all this." He said softly, sticking his hands in his pocket.
"Yeah well, she's alive right?" Emma shrugged her shoulders. "That's all I care about."
"You are truly amazing, Emma."
She looked up at him through her eyelashes and though she hated it, his words made her blush. She cleared her throat and pushed her hair back, only allowing a small smile.
"Oh, hey did you hear they let the other driver out of the hospital? They released him a couple days ago. I wish they would tell us who it was. Whoever it is should feel lucky they aren't in jail yet." He looked around eying the couple of people who had managed to wander into town. "You know the small town guy in me is - Emma? Where are you going?"
Emma was already sprinting down the sidewalk before Killian could finish his question. She heard him call after her but her anger blinded her and she knew that if she didn't get to Graham immediately she might possibly spontaneously combust. Her lungs burned as she ran down the street, the sweat beading down her face from the early morning sun. Her heart raced at twice its normal speed forcing her adrenaline through her body. Why was she just now hearing about this? Why did Graham not call her? Why was she hearing about it from Killian?
When she hit the doors of the Police Department she huffed inside. "Graham!" Her voice echoed through the station.
"Can I help you, Emma?" One of the deputies came around the corner out of his office when he heard the woman yelling.
"Where is Graham?" She huffed.
"He is in his office. But he is in - a meeting - you can't - Emma!" She didn't care to listen to the officer behind the counter and without mind turned and hustled down the hall to Graham's office.
"Graham!" She opened his door and immediately felt the emotions of everything rush to her head. Graham was not alone. Sitting in one of the chairs opposite of Graham's was the man who caused all of this. The man that Emma laid awake at night and cursed in her prayers, the man that for too long had played a part in her and Regina's relationship and who now was sitting, practically unscathed right in front of her. Daniel.
"You." She spit through clenched teeth and without hesitation tackled the man in his chair, both of them tumbling to the ground in a heap of a mess. She felt his body stiffen up as she tried to fight to stay on top of him.
"Emma!" Graham was out of his chair faster than he could finish her name and grabbed a hold of her, pulling her off the unsuspecting man, but not before they each got a hit in. Emma went straight for the face and in an effort to shield his own, Daniel's elbow connected with her right cheek.
"You fucking piece of shit! How could you? How could you do this to us? You did this to her!" She was screaming now as Graham struggled to hold her together and drag her out of his office.
Daniel stayed silent as he picked himself off the floor and brushed off his uniform. He refused to make eye contact with anything but the floor.
"Robin! A little help please. Would you please take Swan to the waiting room where she can cool off?" He shouted at his deputy who had done his best to keep his distance from all of them.
As soon as Emma was safely behind the doors to the waiting room, Graham went back into his office to catch his breath. The two men now listened quietly as Emma's shouts continued to echo down the hall. Graham shuffled the paperwork that had overtaken his desk and straightened them up, pilling them in a folder and putting them down in his drawer.
"I suppose if you would like to come back tomorrow we can finish up this paperwork." Graham picked up his jacket off the back of his chair and frustratingly ran his hands through his messy hair.
"I suppose that's best." Daniel cleared his throat nervously and headed for the door.
"And…" Graham leaned out of the doorway to see Emma flailing around in the waiting room still arguing with Smee. "Maybe you should go out the back door." Graham motioned down the hallway in the opposite direction.
Daniel nodded and with a slight buck of his chest made his way out into the hallway. Graham stepped out of his office and made sure Daniel made it around the corner before he looked down toward Emma. She had finally stopped screaming and was now sitting bent over with her elbows on her knees, her face a furious red color that stood out from her blonde hair. This situation was getting way out of hand.
Emma paced the waiting room unaware of what just happened. She blanked out, she panicked, and it was like the animal inside of her took over as soon as she saw him. She never wanted to see him again, let alone be in the same room as him and look into those dark blue mimicking eyes. Everything from the past month flooded back to her in a matter of seconds and she reacted without a thought against it.
Her face was burning and she finally sat down in one of the chairs to catch her breath. The last thing she needed was to have a panic attack. She looked up to see the deputy that was barely able to restrain her and Graham talking for a moment outside of the waiting room door. Graham patted the deputy's arm and then the deputy headed back to his office.
Graham hesitantly came through the door, not really sure what Emma would do next after that last little debacle. He sighed and sat next to her, leaning forward and placing his elbows on his knees mimicking her.
"Emma-"
"I don't need a lesson from you." She spit out the words and stared down at her hands.
"There is not one to give." The florescent lights were bright on the linoleum floor under Emma's boots and their constant buzzing gave her a headache.
"Why didn't you tell me he was released?" She looked up at him, her anger still burning in her eyes.
"Because I knew this would happen." He admitted plainly. "I was going to tell you."
"Well that's helpful." She mumbled.
"Look, Emma, he has every right to be alive. Same as anyone else. He made a mistake and we are taking care of the ramifications. He will be punished as soon as we can get all the paperwork done. He knows what he has done and he has accepted the consequences. This is all a process. It's not going to happen overnight." Graham explained. Despite his efforts, the words meant nothing to Emma. They bounced off of her like a rock on a brick wall. Heavy and damaging, but overall having no effect on her.
"That's not good enough, Graham. Why isn't he rotting in one of these jail cells." Emma admitted.
"Yes, he should be. But one of his officers paid his bail. It seems when you work your way up in the ranks of the army you get some of the perks. There is nothing else I can do at this point until I can get some paperwork done. My hands are tied. Our only options are to dwell on this or move on." Graham stood up and made his way to the door. "You know my office is always open to you if you need to talk." And with that he stepped through the door and headed down to his office.
"Our options? No, I don't think you understand. Those may be your options, but there are no other options for me and Regina. We don't have anything but this. Every day is a battle. Every day I think about what could have been, of how much I want things to be different, or of how happy I really am just because Regina is alive. It's not fair that I have to be the one to let all of this go when he is walking the streets like a free man and I've got my hands tied behind my back because I can't even help the one person I love the most in this world besides my son. How is that fair?"
"It's not fair, Emma. I understand that. I can't imagine how hard this is for all of you. But if you don't let me do my job, then justice can't be dealt the way it needs to be. I'm stretching a lot of strings through the base to make sure he gets what he deserves. He knows he deserves to be in prison. I'm doing everything I can. I promise."
Emma was struck with silence. Her adrenaline had worn off and with that came the pounding in her cheek. She almost didn't realize that she had been hit until now. Her eye watered and when she tried to touch it, it sent a hard pain through her cheek. She looked at her hand when she pulled it away and there was a small spot of blood that lingered on her fingertips. Something on his uniform must have hit her and cut her cheek.
She sat there for a moment letting the pain from her cheek subside. She felt her phone vibrate in her pocket and pulled it out to see Regina's name on the caller ID. She immediately checked her watch and saw that it was almost 8:45.
"Shit." She touched the screen and held it up to her ear. "Regina?" She headed out of the doors but not before Graham stood and grabbed her arm. She turned around, her phone still on her ear.
"Trust me." He said quietly. Then let her go. She hesitated but the voice on the other side of her phone pulled her off through the doors and out towards Dr. Hopper's office.
When Emma came jogging around the corner she saw Regina sitting properly on a bench just outside the office studying something large in her lap. As she got closer the woman didn't even look up at her and Emma saw that the large object was an old book. Emma sat down next to her and leaned back trying to catch her breath and bring herself back down to reality.
"Did you have a nice walk, Ms. Swan?" Regina finally spoke after a while of silence. The way she said Emma's name made her cringe and she felt like someone kicked her in the gut. At least it took her mind off the pain in her face.
"Not really, no." Emma admitted through her heavy breathing.
Regina looked over at her puzzled by her answer. "Where did you go?" She asked.
"It doesn't really matter now." Emma didn't really feel up to telling her what happened but it was obvious on her cheek that whatever it was, it wasn't good.
"What's that?" Emma pointed down to Regina's book.
"Dr. Hopper gave it to me. He said it might help me remember things." She ran her finger down the spin nervously. She couldn't understand why Emma made her so nervous. Maybe because of these feelings she was having about being a burden. She was always worried that Emma would just leave and give up on her.
"It looks old." Emma tried to carry on the conversation but failed when Regina finally looked at her and saw her cheek.
"What happened to your cheek?" Regina asked concerned, turning her body towards the blonde to get a better look.
"Uh…" Emma reached up to her cheek. It didn't hurt as bad at the moment, but she did have a killer headache from it. "It was an accident." Emma answered vaguely.
"Oh." Regina looked the other way on the street, embarrassed at her over concern. "Do you need to get it checked out?" She asked, staring out into the street.
"Oh. No. It's not that serious. Just some ice on it later and I'll probably have a nice bruise for a while." Emma stared down at her hands. Why was this so awkward? Emma's heart raced and she was worried that even after a week, things didn't really seem to be meshing very well between them. What would this mean weeks or even months down the road? It was tough to even hold a normal conversation. It was like everything was forced and she couldn't understand why.
"Would you like to get some breakfast at Granny's?" Emma decided to try and break the ice.
Regina took her time answering, deciding whether that would be a good idea after this morning's awkwardness. "Maybe it would be best if we went home." She was still conflicted but she didn't need any more excitement for a while and it would push their luck to go out in public right now.
"Okay." Emma stood up and Regina followed. The blonde opened the car door and allowed Regina to get in before taking her time getting to the driver's seat. When the car finally rumbled to a start Emma stuck it in gear and headed home. All the way to the hose, Regina kept close hold of the book in her lap and hoped that maybe it could unlock something inside of her that would help.
Regina immediately headed upstairs when they arrived at the house. She told Emma that she needed to rest for a while and after Emma watched her walk up the stairs in silence, the blonde couldn't help but kick herself for being such an ass. She felt like they were two strangers forced together but didn't really work together. Emma knew from the beginning this was going to be hard, but she felt like there was absolutely no progress made since they got home from the hospital. Their conversations were bland, their time spent together was mostly silence, and the only time they even remotely seemed like a family was when Henry was around or they were all eating dinner together. But even still every movement, every word seemed to be calculated and scripted out. Emma felt like an extra in her own movie.
After Emma had fixed herself a sandwich and ate it in silence she took an ice pack from the freezer and plopped down in front of the TV, clicking it on and turning it down low to make sure she didn't bother Regina. After flipping through all the channels about 4 times she decided there was nothing on that would distract her from her situation.
She fell over on her side and left the ice pack rest on her cheek so she didn't have to hold it. Her eyes felt heavy and she had dozed off before she could resist. The morning had been rough for both women and maybe sleep was what they needed now since they still weren't getting much at night. Emma just hoped her dreams could be an escape from the disaster that was still her life.