I hurried into the bathroom, then suddenly slowed down, glancing at my reflection in the mirror. Chills were running down my spine. I felt like something was going to happen. Something bad. I shook my head and glared disdainfully at the black Sharpie spelling out "-SEXUAL" like it was some kind of joke.
"Thanks, Dallas," I muttered under my breath. I still had no idea how Dallas Dixon, a guy who was literally the biggest loser in middle school, became one of the most popular kids in high school. I ducked into one of the stalls, grabbed some toilet paper, and walked back to the sink, running the paper under the faucet water. As I tried in vain to scrub the permanent marker off of my bag, I heard the sound of the bathroom door open and Dallas's voice float over from the doorway.
"I told you not to wash that off." He said coldly. My face flushed as I scrambled to open the bag and make it look like I was busy.
"U-uhm, where is my homework?" I stammered, trying to ignore him. No such luck. He strolled up behind me and gave me a particularly hard shove in the back, making me stumble forward and the edge of the sink dig into my chest.
"I'm talking to you, short-ass." He snapped. I had to stop myself before I kicked him in the shins, choosing to turn around and glare daggers at him instead.
"Why do you even call me that?" I asked, "I may be short, but that doesn't mean I can't kick your ass." He laughed slightly, strolling over to a urinal.
"Well, I don't doubt the ass-kicking part, but you could be a little taller if you weren't hunched over and scared all the time," He said. He must've noticed me slowly creeping over to a stall because he continued speaking without even looking at me. "The only thing more pathetic is the way you're sneaking off to a stall to get away from me." At this, he turned his head to look at me.
"Stalls are for gays," He said, smirking slightly. "Are you gay, Falner?" His voice was so condescending it made me sick. I looked up at him but immediately looked away due to him doing his business while looking at me.
"Ew, dude! H-How can you talk to people when you're...y'know..." I asked, gesturing to the urinal and glancing away, trying not to retch. He clicked his tongue and finger-gunned at me in response.
"Confidence." He replied simply. I rolled my eyes.
"Well, you might wanna watch the floor," I said pointedly. Dallas was about two seconds from shooting off some sort of snappy comeback or roast, but suddenly let out a scream - one that sounded incredibly pained - and started twitching, almost as if he was being electrocuted. As quickly as it had started, it stopped as he straightened up, making me wince as I heard his spine pop, and quickly finished what he was doing, turning to look at me afterward.
"Falner, let me ask you something." He basically commanded. I nervously rocked back and forth on the balls of my feet.
"Okay...?" I replied slowly. He walked up to me, looming over me and staring me down with an almost blank expression.
"You don't remember me freshman year, do you?" He asked. I looked at him with absolute confusion.
"Uh, no. Did you even go here freshman year?" I asked. He slammed his fist into the wall opposite us.
"Yeth, I DID! You jutht didn't notith!" He shouted. Was it my imagination, or did he suddenly develop a lisp?! He clapped a hand over his mouth, swallowing thickly. After a second, he removed his hand. "N...No one did." He said softly. I was still a little wary, but my caring nature won out and I looked at him with sympathy. Before I could say something, he continued speaking.
"Freshman year, I didn't have a girlfriend or a clue. I was a loser, just like you, good times would only soar by," He looked down at his feet for a moment before looking back to me. "I was...gross. As every female would attest," I gave him a nod, knowing full well that - at least in middle school - he wasn't exactly the best guy. "My sexting was a futile quest, my little penis was depressed, he was so lonely. Poor guy." I had to stifle a laugh.
"Your dick was depressed? Seriously?" I asked. He flushed, glaring at me.
"Y-You know what I meant!" He retorted. I finally let out a light giggle.
"Okay, then." I waved my hand in a gesture that meant to continue. He took a deep breath, then exhaled.
"I was hopeless, hopeless. I was helpless, helpless, every time I'd walk the hallway? I would trip! I was stagnant and idle, I was oh-so suicidal!" He said, his voice shaking.
"And then...?" I started, prompting him to continue again.
"And then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, and then I got a Squip!" He finished. I noticed that his body had twitched slightly with every utterance of "then," something that made me slightly nervous.
"You got...quick?" I asked. He shook his head.
"Not quick, short-ass. Squip." He replied.
"I've just never heard of it before," I spoke somewhat defensively. He grabbed my shoulders and gave them a squeeze.
"Yeah, that's the point!" He then leaned closer, his voice lowered to a whisper. "This is some top-secret-can't-even-look-it-up-on-the-internet shit." I must've looked as confused as I felt, because he chuckled slightly, giving me quite the sinister smirk.
"It's from Japan. It's a grey, oblong pill. Quantum nanotechnology CPU. The quantum computer in the pill will travel through your blood until it implants in your brain and it tells you what to do." He said with a slight flourish.
"What?! That's not even possible-!" I was cut off by him grabbing the front of my shirt and almost lifting me up. He looked livid.
"SHUT UP, SHORT-ASS!" He yelled. I let out a screech of surprise and thrashed around wildly in an attempt to break free, something that seemed to strike a nerve in him since he quickly put me down.
"S-Sorry...force of habit," He apologized. "Look, I'm sorry for treating you like human garbage all the time. I only did it 'cause my Squip said I had to. But! Now it's saying you're not that bad of a girl! And maybe you want a Squip of your own!" He then feigned disinterest, turning away from me.
"Of course, if you're not interested-!" It was my turn to cut him off, doing so with a panicked shout of "wait!" He turned back to me, smirking.
"S-So...it's like..." I leaned in, just like he had before. "...drugs?" I whispered. He chuckled, putting one finger on my forehead and pushing me back.
"Oh, it's better than drugs, Falner," He said with a grin. "IIIIIT'S FROM JAPAAAAAAAN! It's a grey, oblong pill! Quantum nanotechnology CPU! The quantum computer in the pill will travel through your blood until it implants in your brain and it tells you what to do! It tells you what to do!" He grabbed me and spun me around, much to my surprise.
"It's pre-programmed, it's a-mazing, speaks to you directly. You behave as its appraising helps you act correctly." He rolled the 'r' in correctly, making me look at him with surprise. I knew he was in Spanish class, but damn, that was good.
"Helps you to be cool, it helps you rule!" His voice had taken on an autotuned edge throughout the entire speech, and it was extremely prominent in those last few words. I felt my skin crawl. Dallas must've noticed something was up because he grabbed my shoulders again and gave them another squeeze.
"' Cause right now, you're helpless, helpless. You are almost hopeless. On the school social map?" He said, waving his hand almost dismissively. "You're just a blip! But if you take my advice," He bumped my hip with his. "And if you pay the listed price, well, then you go from sad, to interesting, to hip! Yeah, your whole life'll flip! When you buy a Squip!" His voice sounded almost tripled and still kept that strange autotune.
"I got a hookup. Menlo Park Mall, Payless. It's six-hundred." He said. My face paled.
"Six-hundred dollars?!" I asked in shock. He nodded.
"Hey, it's worth it! Bring the money on Monday, and you'll see." He replied. He started to walk out of the bathroom.
"Wait, wait, wait!" I said quickly, causing him to look back at me with confusion. "Aren't you gonna...wash your hands?" He raised an eyebrow, then snort-laughed.
"No. No, I'm not. I don't have to worry about shit like that. Besides, you know what you need?" He drawled. I flushed.
"What?"
"A Squip!" He laughed, roughly pushing me out of his way and making me almost fall over again. He sauntered out of the bathroom, leaving me with my backpack, a red mark on my forehead, and jumbled up thoughts.
"...It's from Japan," I murmured. "It's a grey, oblong pill. Quantum nanotechnology CPU. The quantum computer in the pill will travel through my blood until it implants in my brain and it tells me what to do. Helps me to be cool, it helps me rule..." I shook my head, grabbing my bag and walking out of the bathroom, bumping into Eli in the process.
"Ow! Oh, hey Eli!" I said, rubbing the bruise that was forming on my temple from smacking foreheads with my best guy friend. He smiled at me, a bruise that mirrored my own forming on his temple.
"Hey, Falner. You free tonight?" He asked. I breathed a sigh of relief.
"I thought you'd never ask."