A/N:Requested by the always perfect meet_me_onthe_equinox: "I came to say goodbye."

warning for my death headcanon re: Andy dying.

Enjoy...?

Everything tying her to reality bleeds like a color fading out from clothing, out from the world and into nothingness. First comes the shock of it all, draining everything into a dying shade before it's gone forever. It's all so very fitting, fading out. April always fantasized about death when she was very little, when it was all jokes and games. Everything was always a joke, a game, in some way.

It's hours before the rest of her family is set to visit, for that first anniversary April demanded to turn into celebration not for what was lost but for what was. She doesn't remember waking up, getting dressed, driving herself to here. The sun hasn't yet risen and a cool breeze whips through the short grass underneath bare feet. She sits there in the stony maze she always would dream about inhabiting once, long ago.

He stares back because that's all he can do.

"Everyone is coming home," she whispers into the light wind. "I just thought you should hear it from me."

April isn't really sure what she wants to say. What does she even have to say? That thought spikes through the cold morning like nothing else could.

She has everything to say and yet nothing passes her chapped lips.

A bird croaks in the distance and April takes a deep breath. She tightens around herself, pulling her legs in and squeezing into as small a space as possible. He can't do much other than stare back, motionless in gray rock.

"I just have to..."

She can't summon the words despite calling them for a year now, not now or ever. There is such finality to it, giving up like he never would. If this were reversed - and April wants that more than anything - would he just give up? No. There is not a world where Andy gives up on her, ever.

There used to never be a life where he was no longer with her, as well.

"I came to say..." April's breath is heavy and she sighs. "I have to say this, okay? It has to be real some day."

He listens.

"The kids really miss you. Jack texts me every day, always asking me if everything's cool," she says in one breath, "and I always tell him I'm fine."

That damn bird crows again, but this time April doesn't really register it.

"I'm not, though," April slumps her shoulders. "That's why everyone is coming home to remember how awesome you were..."

She tries to catch the word before it leaves her mouth and instead her stoic gaze weakens. Her eyes water. How could she have even thought that? But out it came with ease.

"How awesome you are," she corrects herself.

He doesn't respond.

April shakes her head and stares into the dawning light. Dragged into sunlight by claws, she watches the new beginning of the day and its endless cycle continue without him. How was it fair to anyone, let alone her, that things just go on as if nothing happened? Were her dreams of the universe imploding the instant something as dreadful as this happened just that, dreams? But the sun rises, slowly, and she stares at it.

"I came to say goodbye," she is monotonous and never breaks her gaze from the early sun.

The words hang in the air, waiting to be caught in her hands and stolen back. It wasn't a farewell to them, to what they have and had, or to him but to the safety of just a year before. Everything was fragile here but everything would continue anew, so she lets the words roam free.

Her heart breaks all over again with the picture of his face in her mind, of his smile, and the memories do nothing to remedy the pain. It's like a dying breath that never leaves your lungs in water, like drowning in it all, and the sun beats down on her taunting with warmth and love.

"I miss you," she whispers as if anyone could hear her.

She hurries to her feet and turns to look at him again, not for the last time by any stretch of the imagination. Instead, this is the last time she will look back on him with sorrow. What was lost can't be taken back, no matter what she tries or wants, but she can celebrate what was.

He listens to the sound of her heart then, that subtle rush of blood, but doesn't respond.