Ziva stood in front of the closed apartment door, and took a deep breath.
In and out.
She reached up and knocked on the door.
Deja vu washed over her. It had been a little over two-weeks since she stood in front of the same door, a nearly empty backpack hanging off her shoulder, and anxiety building with each passing moment.
She had been bone tired then too, after spending twelve sleepless hours in the sky, and then having to find a taxi. Tony had offered to pick her up, but Ziva had not wanted to disrupt their lives anymore than she already had.
"We really need to get you a key," Tony announced, as he opened the door. Until today she had not needed a key, the occupants of the tiny apartment always left together, as a trio.
Ziva noticed the dark circles around Tony's eyes. His face was stubbly. He had not showered yet.
Tony took the paper bags from Ziva's hand and peaked into them. She watched as a smile crossed Tony's face, as he saw the pastries.
The boxers he slept in peaked out from the waistband of the sweatpants he had pulled on that morning, when Tali was ready to get up.
Ziva stepped into the apartment and untangled her scarf from her neck. A cold front had come through Paris overnight. She shrugged off her coat, and hung it next to Tali's puffer coat, she ran her hand over the tiny coat.
What a mess she had made?
Tony moved toward the kitchen.
"If you bring home treats every time you go for a walk," Tony said, "I'm never going to lose the baby weight."
Parisian Tony was maybe twenty pounds heavier than he had been when she had last seen him in that dusty Cairo hotel room. He had always been a comfort eater, so Ziva had not been surprised. On New Year's morning, while he made frittata, Tony had announced his resolution to get into his old clothes from DC.
Tali's resolution had been to make sure she always recycled, apparently her school was planning to go zero waste.
Ziva was to be as healthy as possible for her family. She had so much to make up for.
Ziva looked at Tali's door. It was open ever so slightly. Tali's voice carried through. Tali was singing to herself.
At least she wasn't crying.
Tony turned on his feet, and watched Ziva.
"She's having some quiet time," Tony declared, as he walked toward her. He reached her and tugged at her wrist. "She's okay, I promise."
Ziva would not say that their daughter was okay.
The previous night, Tali had wet the bed for the second time in the space of a week. When she had gone into her parents room seeking comfort, she had found her mother in the throes of a nightmare. Tony had woken up to Tali's shrieking, and with his two favourite ladies needing comfort. Tali had been the one who had his arms around her.
Tony moved back to the kitchen, and put the paper bags next to the fruit bowl. They would wait for Tali to have snacks.
"Did you have a good walk?" Tony asked, as he reached up to the high cupboard to collect small plates.
While Tali had settled back into sleep between her parents, relatively quickly. Ziva had not been so easily settled. She had wanted to protect her daughter from her past, and yet not even three weeks after she returned Tali had been witness to one of Ziva's worst nightmares. Ziva had laid awake watching as Tali's chest rose and fell. The anxiety simmered on low.
Tali had woken up in a foul mood. She was clingy with Tony, and tentative with Ziva. The burner was increased under Ziva's anxiety. The pot was about to boil over.
She caused nothing but pain to the people she loved most.
Ziva had sat through breakfast and then watched as her daughter moved to the television. Tali's preferred entertainment was loud and bright. Ziva wanted quiet time.
As soon as Tali was distracted by the television, Tony had asked if Ziva was okay, she declared that she just needed a minute. Tony had been the one to suggest a walk.
That had been an hour and a half ago.
"I think it helped," Ziva said carefully.
Their neighbourhood was quiet on the Friday after New Years. Many of the students that occupied the apartment building opposite were still away. Ziva had walked in the direction of the main shops, even though she was still unsure in crowds.
"Good," he said, as he turned the kettle on. In Paris, Tony had become an electric kettle convert. "Tea?"
Ziva nodded.
Tony went back into the high cupboard to collect cups and the percolator. He also pulled out some tea he started to buy since Ziva joined them.
Ziva turned her gaze toward Tali's bedroom.
"I never wanted to hurt her," Ziva whispered. "Please know that. I never wanted to cause this pain, to either of you."
Tony stopped what he was doing, and stood behind her. His shoulder bumped hers.
"You haven't," he said.
Ziva turned to him, a frown crossing her face.
"The accidents," she said softly. "They are caused by stress, yes? I have caused her stress."
Tony reached for her hand. He squeezed it tight.
"There were always gonna be teething issues," Tony declared.
Ziva looked down at the kitchen counter.
She remembered Tali when she was teething. She had drooled over everything. Soaking her bibs and Ziva's shirts. Tali had never been soothed by the teething toys, Ziva brought. She had been most comforted by Ziva's finger in her mouth.
"She did not enjoy teething" Ziva declared, as she sucked in a deep breath.
A flash of hurt crossed Tony's face. His eyes flitted up to the ceiling.
They needed to work on rules, for talking about what had been missed.
Ziva still needed to explain to him why exactly he had been shut out.
"We talked," Tony said softly. "While you were out, I wanted us to wait for you, but I was worried that she might clam up. So I let her talk."
The closeness that Tali and Tony shared had been a shock, when Ziva first joined them. Ziva had been on the outside of the in-jokes and memories of her two favourite people.
Soon she would be part of the story, not just in the audience.
"What did she say?" Ziva asked.
The kettle boiled. Tony made the drinks. The bitter smell of coffee filled the apartment. Ziva watched as Tony poured the water over the tea bag.
"She's overwhelmed," Tony said, as he brought the coffee to his lips. "I told her that we all are."
Ziva sank her teeth into her lips.
The steam from her tea rose.
"She's really embarrassed about the accidents," Tony said. "I don't know where that came from. I did everything that google told me to do, when they happened before."
Frantic googling. They had that in common. Tali's early years, had been filled with desperate searches.
6 week old baby non stop crying.
Do babies know their parents are scared?
Six month old baby constipated.
"She says she doesn't want you to be upset with her," Tony continued, his voice cracking. "She wants you to know she is a good girl."
Ziva felt her heart heave. She was glad the tea was still on the counter, if it had been in her hands, it would have ended up on the floor.
"I would never," Ziva started. Her eyes were heavy with tears.
She focused on her daughter's bedroom door, she was ready to storm in there and pull Tali into her arms. She would Tali tight, and promise Tali that she could never disappoint her.
"I know," Tony said. "I think she got confused when she woke up last night, and you were-."
"Did she think my nightmare was her fault?" Ziva interrupted. Her voice shook.
"I'm not sure," Tony said, as he took another sip of coffee, and looked longingly at the pastries in their paper bags. "I don't know what your plan was in terms of explaining things, but I sort of had to go into it. She had night terrors a while ago, l said it was kinda like that."
"Night terrors?" Ziva asked.
"Monsters under the bed," Tony said. "That sort of stuff. It's normal. Oddly enough watching Monsters Inc actually made it worse."
Ziva felt that familiar pain at the bottom of her stomach..
She had missed so much of her daughters life.
"I said that sometimes you get scared too," Tony said quietly. "I think that helped."
"Sometimes I wonder if I should have waited to come home," Ziva said. Her voice cracked. "Perhaps I should have made sure I was better, before I came back. Then, things would have been easier."
"No," Tony said, his voice louder than either of them expected.
"I just missed you two so much," Ziva admitted. Her lips quivered. She had done so well at holding back tears, but she was losing the battle. "I could not stay away."
Tony put his coffee cup on the counter, and walked toward her with open arms. He wrapped his arms around her.
She let out a breath.
"I'm glad you came home when you did," he whispered. "I know it looks like I had everything together, but I was losing it without you."
Ziva stepped back, breaking from the hug.
"But Tali-," she started, as Tony pressed his finger to her lips.
"We were always going to have teething issues," Tony said. "Whether you had come home when she was four or fourteen."
Tony pulled his finger away from her lips.
"Honestly," he said. "I didn't think it'd be like this. I thought we'd have tantrums. Our daughter can throw some magnificent tantrums. There's a few cafes that I can't go back to because of her performances."
A smile crossed her face.
She reached for her necklace. The one Tali had picked for her.
"I got a taste of her attitude," Ziva declared, "When she was younger."
A smile crossed his face.
One day they would share war stories.
"I realised something the other day," Tony said, as he moved further out of their embrace, to collect his coffee. "The tantrums didn't really start until after our first Christmas together, once I finally got her into a routine. Autopsy Gremlin told me that kids don't usually have tantrums unless they trust who they are with, unless they feel safe."
"Do you think Tali does not feel safe with me?" Ziva asked.
Once upon a time, Tali had felt safe in Ziva's arms.
"She knows she is safe with you," Tony said. "But, she's still getting to know you.."
Ziva sucked in a breath. Her ears popped.
The truth hurt much more than all the beatings she had endured.
"She seemed kinda relieved, when she realised that you're finding it hard to adjust as well," Tony said. "Maybe we should start talking with her more about the big stuff. She's pretty perceptive."
A door slammed in Tali's room. Her wardrobe door.
"Tali," Tony called out. "You okay?"
"Yeah," came Tali's muffled reply. "I'm tidying my room."
Tony rolled his eyes.
"That is a bald-face lie," he said.
Ziva let a smile cross her face, and a laugh heave through her.
"Also," he said, lowering his voice. "Her school has a shrink on staff, when we drop her off on Monday, maybe we should drop in and talk to her. She might have some tips."
Ziva nodded, but felt the familiar twist in her gut.
How exactly would they explain their situation?
"We need to go to the office anyway," Tony said. "We'll have to fill out a tree worth of paperwork to get you authorised to pick her up."
Ziva thought of the shiny new US passport Vance had presented to Ziva with the tickets to Paris. He had called in a lot of favours to get the passport.
Coming back from the dead would always be complicated.
"Might as well check in," Tony continued, justifying their plan to himself. "While, we're there. We'll let Tali know what we're doing, don't want her freaking out if a grown up wants a chat."
Ziva pulled out her phone from her pocket.
"She is not the only one who will be speaking with someone," Ziva announced, as she brought up the email app. "I have been making enquiries. Jack Sloane and Ducky gave me some names. I have made some enquiries."
Tony took the phone from her hand and looked at the emails.
"When did you do this?" Tony asked, as he handed back the phone to Ziva.
"Yesterday," Ziva said, as she put her phone in her pocket. "While Tali and I were in the park, and you were in the supermarket."
The visit to the park had been an attempt to diffuse the tension in the house. Tali needed to burn off some energy, Ziva needed some fresh air, and all three of them needed food.
Tony volunteered to go hunter gather, as an experiment to see how Tali would react to being left with Ziva alone. Tali had stuck the monkey bars, and kept looking toward the direction Tony had walked in.
They had considered it progress.
"Look at you," Tony trilled. "You've only been home for two weeks, and already mastering the art of multitasking in the park."
Ziva felt her cheeks warm.
"I could see her," Ziva said, the words rushing out. "If she needed me, I would have gone to her."
Tony reached for her shoulder.
"I know," he said, flashing his thousand watt smile, "I've used park time to get admin done, and how do you think I beat the McWriters top score on Words with Friends?"
Relief flooded Ziva.
Then there was a noise in Tali's room. Something fell on the ground.
"No," Tali screamed."No, no, no!"
"Tali," Tony called, as he raced toward the door.
Ziva followed quickly.
The door swung open, Tali stood in front of her bed, a plastic spray bottle was on the floor, its contents pooling on rug that was shaped like a rainbow.
A musty smell had filled the room. Stagnant water.
"I knew you weren't tidying up," Tony said, as he bent down on the rug, and picked up the bottle.
"I was," Tali said. "I was looking for the spray."
Tony handed the bottle in its pieces to Ziva.
"Monster spray," Ziva read from the faded label.
Tony slowly pulled himself up, bringing the rug with him. Another thing to put through the wash. The washing machine was always running.
"It's for you Ima," Tali said, turning to look at Ziva.
"For me?" Ziva asked, holding up the bottle.
"To make the bad dreams go away," Tali said. "Daddy makes it, he says all Daddies know how to do it."
Ziva raised an eyebrow.
She could not imagine her father making monster spray. Or his.
Ziva, the monsters you imagine are much less scary than the real horrors of the world..
Tony moved closer to Ziva, the rug slung over his shoulder. He plucked the bottle from Ziva's hands.
"I thought we kept this in the bathroom," Tony said. "What's it doing here?"
Tali looked around the room, and rushed toward the tiny desk that was tucked next to her wardrobe. Her room was a maximalist dream. Tali picked up a folded piece of paper.
"I wanted to make a card," Tali said, as she presented Ziva with the card. "You always make cards to go with presents."
Ziva's heart melted, as she opened the paper.
Tali had drawn a picture of three stick figures, a small figure with pigtails in the middle of two bigger figures. Their stick figure arms were all joined together. There were clumsy love hearts drawn around the stick figures.
"It's to make the monsters go away," Tali said, her upper lip wobbled "But it's all gone. I broke it. How will the monsters go away now?"
Tony smiled, a full beam of a smile.
"I'll fix it," Tony said. "You know that Daddies have to keep the recipe a secret for the magic to work. Once I've made more spray, we'll have a snack. Ima went to the bakery on her walk, so we got treats. Then tonight we'll use the spray."
Tali nodded, then she walked toward Tony. She held her hand in front of her mouth, which Ziva knew as Tali's shorthand for wanting to share a secret. Tony put the spray bottle on the bookcase, and bent down.
"Can we spray in my room too?" Tali asked, her voice a stage whisper. "Even though I'm five now, and a big girl."
"Of course," he said. "Even big girls need the monster spray sometimes. Ima is very old, and she still needs it."
Ziva shot him a warning glance.
"I am not as old as Daddy," Ziva said.
Tali's eyes went wide with shock.
"How old is Daddy?" Tali asked, as she walked toward Ziva. Holding her hand to her ear, showing she was ready to hear the secret.
"Daddy would prefer that to remain a secret," Tony declared, as he hovered in the room.
He stared at Ziva, and raised an eyebrow, silently asking if she would be okay. Ziva nodded.
Tony slipped out of the room, collecting the monster spray bottle, Tali and Ziva settled on the too soft bed, sending soft toys plunging to the floor. Ziva pulled her daughter close, and Tali relaxed into the embrace.
This was progress. Progress was all they could ask for.
The little girl's eyes went wide, and then her giggles filled the air, when Ziva revealed exactly how old Tony was.
A/N: I don't own a thing.
The next chapter will feature the school drop off and our dynamic duo doing more talking. Next chapter should be next week.
I'm a bit meh about how I've written Tali, but I'm trying to challenge myself, so please share feedback on how Tali is written.
Thank you again for all the love this fic has gotten.