Tony tugged at his scarf, in the brightly coloured cloakroom of Tali's school. Tali put her bag in the cubby and stuffed her coat into the tiny cube.
In the hurry, one of her tiny gloves ended up on the floor. She had left her gloves in her pocket today, because it was warmer than usual. Not that Tony really counted a Parisian winter as true winter. Winter in Paris was more like four months of November.
Ziva swooped in and collected the glove, and handed it to Tony.
Another caregiver and their charge, filled their cubby and the child ran into the classroom, dumping his bag on the floor.
Tali lingered.
"You ready, kid?" Tony asked, as he unzipped the pocket on Tali's coat and stuffed the nearly lost glove in there.
He made a mental note to buy another set of gloves. These ones would not last until the Spring.
Tali pressed her feet together, and looked toward the classroom.
Through the open door, a blonde girl was waving at Tali, encouraging her in. Tony knew the girl was the one who sat next to Tali, and invited Tali to her upcoming birthday. For the life of him, Tony could not remember the child's name.
Ziva bent down in front of Tali, and wrapped her arms around Tali. Tali's stiff posture quickly softened.
"Have a good day," Ziva whispered. "We will see you at three."
Tali frowned.
"Youbehere?" Tali asked, her words running into one. "At three."
Ziva stiffened.
They'd had this conversation all morning. In the hurry to get Tali dressed, pull her curls into a the hairstyle she requested, and put some breakfast in her, she had needed to be reassured that her Ima would still be there when the school day let out
"Of course," Ziva said, her voice controlled, like it used to be when interrogations got hairy. "Daddy and I will both be here to pick you up."
Tali looked up toward Tony.
"You promise, Daddy?" Tali asked.
Tony felt his heart heave. Only his reassurance counted.
"Of course," he said as he stepped forward with his pinky out. "I pinky promise that both Ima and I will be here to pick you up."
Tali looped her pinky into his.
Ziva smiled, from her crouched position.
"Pinky promise, Ima?" Tali asked, as she unhooked her pinky from Tony's and extended her hand to Ziva.
Ziva nodded, and offered Tali her pinky.
"I promise, ahuva," Ziva said softly. Their pinky's looped, and their hands shook."We will both be there to pick you up."
More parents and kids filled the tiny cloakroom, only adding to the stuffiness in the tiny room.
Other kids scampered off to class, excitedly talking about their winter breaks. Almost all of the kids had gone away for the two week break, many to other countries in Europe.
Tali had not gone anywhere, but would have the best story from her winter break.
Her Ima had come back home, forever.
"And, when school is over, we'll go on an adventure," Tony announced.
Ziva looked up at him with an eyebrow raised. Excitement dawned on Tali's face. Her eyes were bright.
"An adventure?" Ziva asked.
"Yes," Tony said with a shrug. "I'm gonna take my two favourite ladies on a secret adventure."
He was going to save ice cream day for later in the week, but needs must.
"A secret adventure," Tali echoed excitedly.
"Yep," Tony replied. "But first you need to go to school."
Tali nodded, and looked at the classroom, with its open door. More kids had shuffled in, and Tali's little blonde friend was still waiting for her.
Ziva wrapped Tali in another hug, and kissed her on the cheek.
"Have a good day," Ziva declared. "I love you."
Tali smiled.
"I love you too," Tali said, her words a little shaky. Soon, Tony hoped, they would be said with ease.
Ziva pulled herself up, and Tali reached for Tony.
One of the other parents from Tali's class looked over the scene, with her eyebrow trying to meet her hairline, and pursed lips.
There would be a lot of explaining to do.
Tali wrapped her arms around Tony.
"I'm proud of you," he said. "Have a good day. I love you more than movies."
A smile broke out on Tali's face, as Tony played their old game. Once, when during a lazy afternoon spent watching movies, Tony had started listing all of his favourite things, and how he loved Tali more than anything.
When Tali started nursery school, he had told her he loved her more than movies, thus starting their little ritual for every school drop off.
"Love you more than rainbows," she replied, as she let go. "And more than dogs."
Tali really loved rainbows. And dogs. And movies.
She gave her parents a final wave, and walked into her classroom. The blonde girl from earlier ran straight to her, with an excited expression. Tony would really should learn her name.
The lady from earlier, started to move toward Tony. Tony braced himself.
Being a single man at this school made him a bit of a curiosity.
Before the woman reached Tony, he felt a woosh of air. He looked toward the door, and saw Ziva's dark curls rushing toward the door.
Tony waved at Tali, but she was already busy, no doubt telling her friend that her Ima had come home forever and ever.
Tony rushed toward the exit following Ziva.
Ziva had not gone very far, he found her standing outside pressing her hands into her thighs, and leaning forward, like she had run a marathon.
"Ziva," he said softly, as he reached her. Her face was red, and her eyes were glassy. "You okay?"
His question was redundant. She clearly wasn't.
Ziva nodded once, but it quickly turned into her shaking her head.
Tony reached for her back, and rubbed it. Her shoulders were hard with tension.
"I know that was hard," Tony said, keeping his voice low and soft. "I was a mess the first time I dropped Tali off."
Ziva reached her hand under her scarf and fingered the necklace she kept around her neck.
Just like she used to do with her old star of David, she would fiddle with this necklace when she needed centering.
"I know it was hard today, with all of her questions," Tony continued. "But, Tali will stop asking if you're gonna be there, eventually."
Ziva sucked in a deep breath.
"It is not just that," Ziva said. "I mean, yes it hurts every single time she asks, but it is to be expected."
Tony moved closer to her. He wrapped his arm around her. Her tense shoulders started to soften.
"Still," Tony said softly, dragging out the word. "Something's spooked you."
"It was so crowded in there," she said, her voice shaky. "Sometimes, I do not do well with crowds."
So this was the panic she had first told him about, during those hurried twenty-three hours together in Cairo, while they watched Tali's tiny chest rise and fall, in her sleep.
I am not the same person you left in Israel, she had said her eyes focused on Tali, taking in everything that had changed in their four months apart.
I'm not the same guy who left you in Israel, he had replied.
He had seen glimpses of panic since Ziva had come home. The struggle with sleep. The way she flinched when Tony slammed the lower kitchen cupboard to get it to close properly. The way she always kept a hand on Tali's shoulder when the trio rode the metro.
"So this is the panic?" He asked.
Ziva nodded and tried to swallow her lower lip.
"I know today is different," Ziva started. Her voice was still shaky. "But, my mind keeps going back to the last time I walked away from Tali."
"When you sent her to me?" He asked, struggling to keep his voice neutral. Now, was not the time to bring up that part of their past.
"It was the first time I had been away from her," Ziva admitted. "And, when I gave her to Adam, so much was unknown. I did not know when, or even if I would ever see her again."
Tony felt his chest tighten.
"I did not know if Adam would be able to get her to you safely," Ziva said. "Or if-".
"Did you worry I would reject her?" he asked, interrupting her.
Ziva's mouth hung open for a moment before she spoke.
"No," she said, as a beat passed between them. "I never feared that. I knew you would always keep her safe."
His throat burned, as long buried anger tried to rise up.
They would have this conversation, just not now.
Not when they were in public. Not when they had an appointment with Tali's school shrink in thirty minutes. Not when Ziva was still getting used to sitting still.
"Keeping the two of you apart was never about you," Ziva said, her voice soft. "It was about me."
"We'll talk about it, right?" He asked. "When you are in a better head space?"
"Of course," Ziva said, as she looked down at her feet.
They stood huddled together in the playground. Other harried caregivers rushed their charges to their classrooms.
"This panic," Ziva started. "The attacks started when I sent Tali away, but the seeds had been there for a long time."
Tony felt that ache in his chest again. There had been so much heartache for all three of them.
"At my appointment tomorrow," Ziva uttered. "I will talk about how to manage it better. I cannot have my pain continue to affect you and Tali. I need to be the best mother and partner I can be."
Tony shook his head.
"We are so glad to have you home," Tony said. "That's all that matters. We'll work through the rest."
Ziva gave him a soft smile.
"You are so wise," she said. "So mature."
"I wasn't always," he said, with a scoff. "I've had a lot of time to think over these last few years."
Ziva's eyes flitted around.
"You okay?" He asked already knowing the answer.
"I will be," Ziva replied. "We need to go to the office, yes?"
"Yeah," he said. "Can I say something first?"
"Of course," Ziva said.
"A part of me will always wish we had done this in the more traditional way, with Tali having both of us all of the time," he said, keeping his eyes fixed on her. "But another part of me is glad I had to do these years solo. If we had been together when she came along, I probably would still be pulling eighty hour weeks at NCIS, and I would have missed out on so much. Tali and I are so close. I don't know if I would have had that if this happened another way."
Ziva's eyes started to well up.
"I was a mess when I dropped her off for the first time," Tony announced, as the memories flowed back. "Thank god we're in Paris where a grown man can cry in the street."
A smile rose through Ziva.
"Will you tell me all about it?" Ziva asked.
Tony took her hand, and they started to amble toward the office. They passed huge windows, with brightly coloured classrooms serving as stage, and the kids getting older the closer they got to the office.
"What do you want to know?" He asked.
"Everything," Ziva said softly. "How did you choose to send her here? Was she clingy on her first day? When I allowed myself to think of the two of you, I always wondered about these things."
Tony sucked in a breath, then let it out.
"Well they do a preschool here," Tony said, as he remembered those long but wonderful days he and Tali used to spend together. "And, when Tali was three I started to worry that she wasn't socializing enough. I mean I took her to every toddler music class this side of the Seine, but that's not the same. So I started looking for a nursery, I didn't want her to start school not knowing how to make friends. I wanted to keep things as normal for her as possible."
Everything had been for her.
Ziva gave him a sad smile. He knew she was blaming herself.
"I know if you were the one who was left behind, while I was chasing bad guys, you would have enrolled her in the neighbourhood preschool with all the other local kids, and she would be this perfect little beret wearing French kid," Tony said, feeling suddenly hot under his coat. "But, I stuck out in the playground as a solo Dad, and stuck out even more as an American. So when I found this place I signed right up for an info pack. I wanted to be able to help with her homework, without using google translate. You really don't wanna know how much we pay for that privilege."
Tali went to an international school, where the tuition cost more than Tony had made in his first years out of college.
"I could have started her right away," Tony said, as he tugged at his scarf. "But, I waited until after she turned four. I didn't want her to be the youngest kid in the class. And, I think a part of me was hoping that you would be home by then, and we could decide this together. I probably should have done more research."
He had just picked the first place that looked good, and hoped Tali liked it.
"She is happy here, yes?" Ziva asked.
"Yeah," she said. "Going from the nursery class to kindergarten was a bit of a jump, but she's okay now."
"And she has lots of friends?" Ziva asked.
"Oh yeah," Tony said. "You saw all those birthday invites on the fridge."
"That is all I ever wanted for her," Ziva said softly. "When I thought about her going to school. I just wanted her to be happy and to make lots of friends."
"I think she's learning stuff too," Tony said. "At least I hope she is."
"She is very smart," Ziva said, with a huge smile. "I know we are biased, but I think she is very smart. She always was when she was a baby."
Tony felt the gut punch of that, but he let the pain float away. Getting angry wouldn't change a thing.
"I will never judge you for the decisions you made when it was just you and Tali," Ziva said, as she squeezed his hand, having noticed his change in his expression. "I asked so much from you."
"I would do it all over again," came his reply, and it wasn't a lie.
Ziva shuffled her weight between her left foot and her right foot.
"If it means anything, I think that you made the right decision," she said, as a smile moved through her. "Can you tell me about her first day?"
Her words meant a lot.
"Her first day was the fall after she turned four," Tony said, as the memories came flooding back. "The nursery class had this orientation week, where you slowly build up to leaving right after drop-off. On the first day she was a little shy, on the second day she was a little clingy, and by the third day she was waving me off with a bye Daddy."
Ziva nodded. A slow nod.
These things would always be bittersweet.
"I was a mess that day," Tony said. "I hadn't left her with anyone but Dad in two years, and that was only ever for a couple of hours. There's a cafe and a supermarket on the next block, I spent all day going between the two with my phone on its loudest setting."
He needed to be close enough to run to her.
What if she needed him?
Ziva reached for his arm, and held it.
"I got better," Tony said. "By winter break of that year, I was able to go all the way home."
He watched Ziva's face, as she took it all in. She wore a soft smile, but her eyes were far away.
"I knew she was safe here, and okay," Tony started, as he looked toward the building. "But, I was always looking over my shoulder."
Ziva stopped, and sucked in a deep breath.
"The threat was never to you and Tali," she said. Her voice was low. "I made sure of that."
"I know," he said with a shrug. "Old habits, I guess."
Ziva reached up for the tote bag that was hanging off her shoulder. Inside were all the documents she needed, to be authorised to pick Tali up from school.
Tony looked across the courtyard.
There was a line of adults outside the office.
"It's the cop in me," Tony said, as he led Ziva to the bench outside of the office. It was damp. So they did not sit, but just stood in front of it. "Is there anything you want to know before I introduce you to French bureaucracy?"
"Yes," Ziva said, as she looked at her shoes. "What did you tell people about me, about my absence?"
"Not a lot," he admitted, remembering the last birthday party he had lingered on the edge of. Another Dad, had asked Tony if he was babysitting, and Tony had replied that parenting wasn't babysitting, and he was currently flying solo, so he never got a day off. "Whenever someone asked, I usually just said not here, and left it at that."
"What about Tali?" Ziva asked, raising her eyebrow. "Were the other children not curious about her lack of mother?"
"The under-six crowd are pretty chill," Tony said, with a shrug. "Tali said she only lived with her Dad, and that was that."
"I am glad for that I suppose," Ziva said, her lips turning downward. "She has been through so much disruption."
"There's probably gonna be some questions, now that you're home," Tony said, remembering the woman with the curious look in the cloakroom. "I'm sure we're being gossiped about, but none of that matters."
"Is that really all that you told people?" Ziva asked.
"Tali's doctor is probably the only one who knows more," Tony admitted. "I had to explain that I wasn't there for Tali's first couple of years, and that I couldn't call you to ask about your medical history. I'm not sure if she thought it was a Kramer Versus Kramer situation or something darker."
"What about here?" Ziva asked, as she waved her hand around. "What did you tell the school?"
"That I did not have a number for another adult who could be called in an emergency, at least not locally," Tony said, remembering the difficult discussion at the office, where he had put his Dad's number down as an emergency contact, and admitted there was no one closer to home. He remembered that sinking feeling in the bottom of his stomach. It had just been him and Tali for so long. "That you and Tali had no contact and I was the only one authorised to pick her up."
Ziva sucked in a breath.
"They know I used to be a special agent, and I always got really quiet when they asked, so I am sure there are a through theories floating around," Tony said, as he scratched his nose. This rainy winter made his skin itchy. "You know I probably wouldn't have gotten as much flack if I was a single mom, but I try not to think about that."
"And now we can tell the truth," Ziva said, forcing a smile on her face. "No more secrets."
"Yeah," he replied. "And, we'll talk to the shrink. We'll make sure Tali has some support. We're gonna be okay."
A big group came out of the double doors of the office. A man, a woman in a magnificently bright fuchsia coat, a dowdy looking woman who was definitely the nanny, and two bratty looking kids who wore their boredom on their face.
"We better go in," Tony announced. "That line is only getting longer. School will be out before we fill out all of the paperwork."
"I do have one more question," Ziva said as she moved toward the double door.
"Not another one," he said, with a dramatic sigh, doing his best impression of Tali when she'd had enough. Ziva smiled at him, and let out a laugh. Tony laughed with her. Another stone faced adult walked past them, their lips pursed. "All right, one last question."
"Where are we going for this secret adventure?" Ziva asked, with the same bright eyes he'd seen in Tali earlier.
"Nuh-uh, I'm not telling you," Tony said, shaking his head dramatically. "It's a surprise for both my leading ladies, so I ain't telling."
He wondered if Ziva's favourite flavour was still French vanilla.
A/N: I don't own a thing.
Thank you so much for all of your love.
Big thanks, to some friends on twitter, who listened to me deal with some crazy writers block to get this chapter to this point.
Next chapter will be up next week. Our little family are going to have some more tough moments, but will have some good times. Later chapters will have Tony and Ziva finally talking about, why Ziva kept Tali from Tony.