"That is not what I meant at all," Ziva said, anger seeping into her voice. "I was barely hanging on during those months. I took it day by day."
And, her heart belonged to him. It would always belong to him.
She had sent him away for his own safety.
Those who got too close did not survive.
"Sorry," Tony said, as he looked at his lap. "I just don't know what to think right now. You said Adam helped over the last few years, I saw the way he used to look at you."
Ziva's heart still broke for Adam. He should have gotten out of this alive.
"No," Ziva said. "He was a very good friend, but nothing more."
"Sorry," he said again. "This is just bringing up a lot. A tiny part of me is still expecting you to say that you kept us apart, because you didn't think I would be a good father."
She never thought that, not for a second.
And, she saw the way he was with her now. Even when their daughter was being a brat, he was patient and kind.
"It was never about that," Ziva said. "I have always thought that you would make a good father."
He knew what it was to be the forgotten child, and he would make sure any child of his never knew that.
"How long were you thinking about having babies with me?" Tony asked, as he flashed his signature grin.
It was some much needed levity.
"I meant in the abstract sense," Ziva said. "I know you would try and do the opposite of your father, and I remember what you were like with Vance's children."
"You know both of those kids are adults now," he said.
"Yes," Ziva said. "And from what I have heard, they are both doing well."
"Yeah," Tony said, as his voice got heavy again. "So who helped you, when you were pregnant?"
"When I told Shmeil about the pregnancy, he was insistent on two things. The first being that I call you, and the second being that I move close to him if I was going to stay in Israel. I managed one of those things."
"Shmeil knew I was Tali's father?" Tony asked.
"I did not tell him," Ziva said, softening her voice. "He would not leave it alone. When he was dying, he was very insistent that I call you. He said that you would understand, even after all the time I had let pass."
Ziva, Shmeil said between labored breaths, as he held her hand. Life is too short.
"Shmeil always was wise," Tony said.
"Yes," Ziva said.
"So you moved near Shmeil and he helped you out?" Tony asked. "I'm trying to imagine him helping you, he was so little. You must have been huge at the end of it."
Towards the end of pregnancy, everything had been a struggle. Everything hurt. Everything felt too small and too tight.
And, the reality was starting to set in. She was about to be responsible for a whole human.
Everything was terrifying.
"Not just Shmeil," Ziva said. "He got his neighbours involved. My new apartment was across the street from the retirement complex. The three neighbours that Shmeil gathers were women, many of them mothers and grandmothers. Almost every day one of them turned up at my new apartment with food."
Tony laughed. It felt like a foreign word spoke accidentally.
"So you had a harem of grannys," Tony said. "Making sure you ate."
Ziva thought of the three women who had adopted her. She had always thought of them as a collective. Each of them with grey hair, and a lifetime of pain, but each radiating joy.
"Something like that," Ziva said softly. "In the months before then, I had only spoken to people when I went out to buy supplies, and those conversations were brief. I isolated myself in that farmhouse. Now, I was forced to talk to someone everyday. I can see now that it was good for me. I needed that."
Tony looked back out the window. Another cyclist moved passed the car, this one much slower, with shopping bags hanging off the handlebars, and a baby in the bucket seat behind.
"Ziva, I have to ask," Tony said, as he opened the window just a little. Letting in a cool woosh of air. "When I left you in Israel, did you want to hurt yourself?"
Ziva let out a sob that had buried deep.
"I would not have harmed myself," Ziva whispered, finally saying the words that she had kept hidden. "But, I did think that the world would be better without me."
Tony opened the window more, and more cool air filled the car. A tear fell down his face.
"That was my biggest fear," Tony said, his voice cracking. "That you would do something to hurt yourself. If we had to be apart, then so be it, but you needed to stay in the world. The world is a better place because you're in it. Please remember that."
"Thank you," Ziva said, "For saying that."
"I mean it," he replied.
"I know," Ziva said quietly.
The clock on the car switched over to the next hour.
Tony turned the heating off.
"Tell me more about the pregnancy," Tony said. "I want to know everything."
Ziva looked out of her window, an older woman pushed a stroller, while a toddler on a scooter rushed down the path.
"When I was about six months along," Ziva started. "I was placed on bed rest for a few weeks."
Hopefully, this is just a precaution, the doctor said, as she helped Ziva off the table. Tali's heartbeat was strong, but Ziva's body was not coping.
"Why?" Tony asked.
"My blood pressure was very high," Ziva said. "And, I had a headache. They wanted to see if it turned into pre-eclampsia. Luckily, it turned out not to be."
Oh what a relief that turned out to be.
Tony's chest heaved again. In and out.
"The harem of Granny's as you call them, they really stepped up," Ziva said softly. "I do not think I was alone for more than a minute for those whole three weeks."
Each of them brought food and quiet support, and refused to be turned away. They came in different configurations, sometimes as a trio, sometimes alone but always with love.
We're old, Zivaleh, each said, we're good at sitting, so we are going to sit with you.
"Each of them had been through enough for five lifetimes," Ziva said, as she thought of the string of numbers tattooed on Bracha's arm, or the badly healed bones in Ayelet's wrist that had been caused by first-husband with anger in his heart, as they turned the arid desert into fertile ground. Dorrit had been part of the fight for Israeli independence. "Yet, they were still full of so much joy. So much love. They treated me as if I was their own granddaughter."
"Do you have their numbers?" Tony asked.
"Why?" Ziva asked.
"I want to call them," Tony said softly. "And, thank them for looking after you and Tali."
Ziva looked down at her lap.
"Each of them are dead," she said with a frown. "Bracha died not long after Shmeil. Ayelet and Dorrit died after I left Israel. Each of them were in their eighties. Dorrit would have been at least ninety. They would have died peacefully."
Tony frowned.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"That they are not here anymore?" Ziva asked.
"Yeah," Tony said. "And, that I thought you were dating someone else."
"I understand," Ziva said. "I gave you a lot of information all at once, and I was not exactly myself when I was pregnant."
"I'm glad they were there for you," he said. "That you had someone who cared."
"Even though it should have been you," Ziva said.
"Yeah," Tony said, as he looked out his window. "I'm always gonna wish it was me taking care of you, but I'm glad they were there. That you had someone."
A driver struggled to park his car in a tight space. The car moved in and out.
"I bet you hated bed rest," he said.
"Every last minute," Ziva said. "We watched a lot of movies."
"Really?" he asked. "I thought you would have read."
"My head hurt," Ziva said softly. "I could not focus on the words."
"Let me guess, you watched all four of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, four times over," Tony said with a smile.
"Only once," Ziva said. "Dorrit rather enjoyed them."
Tony laughed.
"You know there's a fifth one," Tony said. "It came out a couple of years ago."
"Really?" Ziva said, her eyes lighting up.
She had not had time to plug into pop culture during her years 'away'. She had missed so much.
"Yeah," he said, "I showed Tali, when we were picking a movie. I told her those movies were some of your favourites, and that when she was a little older we'd watch them."
"We can do that all together now," Ziva said.
"Yeah, we can," he replied. "I think Tali would like that."
Ziva could see it. Tali squashed between them on their too small couch. A bowl of popcorn that would be demolished within an hour. Tony rolling his eyes as the film continued, and Tali became engrossed, because of course Tali would love the films.
"What was her birth like?" he asked.
"Well, it hurt," Ziva said.
"I may be a mere male," Tony said with a smirk, "But, even I know childbirth hurts."
"It was a different kind of pain," Ziva continued. "Other pain has been because something has gone wrong, but this pain was productive. It was bringing her into the world."
Those endless waves. Waves she had to ride. The hospital room had been empty. Ziva had no one to sit with her, as the pain rose and rose. Each of the old ladies had offered to be there, but Ziva had turned them away. She had to do this alone.
"In those last few months of the pregnancy," Ziva said, as she felt a phantom twinge. "I had these moments where I started to wonder what sort of mother I would be. If I would be good enough. I had only ever taken lives. The pain gave me something to focus on."
"You're an amazing mother," Tony said.
"No," Ziva said, shaking her head. "But, I try. I will try to be the best mother I can be."
"What was it like?" he asked. "When she was earth side?"
"She took forever to come," Ziva said. She remembered watching both a sunset and a sunrise in that hospital room. She barely registered the sunrise as the pain became too much. She had to go deeper into herself to cope with the pain. "But then after all of that pain it was over. They handed her to me, and I saw her eyes. They reminded me of you. She looked at me with these completely innocent eyes, and she really saw me. I had done something good. I had created her."
Ziva's arms formed a cradle as the memories flooded back. That light antiseptic smell in the hospital room. The nurses checking Ziva's blood pressure. Tali looking up at her, with complete innocence, and love.
Ziva had never felt a love like it.
"I knew then," Ziva said as the tears fell freely. "That whatever happened, I would protect her with everything I had. Even if it killed me, I had to keep her safe."
"I had that feeling too," Tony said, swallowing thickly. "A few hours after I met her. When we were completely alone together for the first time. Everything just clicked. All that mattered was her."
Everything they did, it would always be for her.
"She had the grumpiest little look on her face, when she was born, I wish I had taken a photo," Ziva said softly. "She was over a week late. I think she enjoyed her little cocoon."
"DiNozzo's always are," Tony said softly.
"How do you know that?" Ziva asked.
"Dad told me," Tony said. "When I found her birth certificate in her go-bag. I did some basic math, and figured she must have been a little late. She had been with me for five days, before I knew her date of birth. What kind of Dad doesn't know their kids' date of birth?"
"Did you think-?" Ziva started. She could not bear to say the words.
"No," Tony said, shaking his head. "I knew she was mine. I mean it's obvious. She's got the DiNozzo spunk. I just wanted to fill in the blanks. People always ask questions. I wanted answers.."
"I spent that whole last week trying to evict her," Ziva said, remembering the long walks she took herself on, and Bracha's old wives tales. "I had worried about her being born too early, and here she was hanging on."
Then just as Ziva was ready to admit defeat, she felt the first twinges. She sat with them pacing through her apartment alone, and waiting.
Waiting for it all to go wrong.
"There was this day," Tony said. "The June after you left, where I was so restless. I felt this overwhelming urge to call you. I had made peace with you being gone by then, but I just couldn't stop thinking about you. I couldn't sleep. I could barely eat. I'm probably remembering it wrong, or trying to make myself feel better, but I'm pretty sure it was around the day she was born. Like I want to believe the universe was linking us."
Ziva smiled.
"When she was born," Ziva said, "I was about to call you. I had the number dialled and everything. I hovered over that call button."
In the hours after Tali's birth, Ziva was exhausted, but unable to sleep. Even though the nurses assured her Tali would be fine, Ziva could not believe them. She had to watch every rise and fall of Tali's chest.
Newborn babies were vulnerable. This one could still be taken away.
Ziva could still be punished for her sins.
Ziva had to tell Tony. She had to tell Tony that they had created a miracle.
But, what if he took Tali away?
What if he did not think she was a fit mother?
"Why didn't you?" he asked. "I would have gotten on the first plane. We would have worked it out."
"I did not want you to take her away," Ziva said.
"Ziva," he said shaking his head. "I would have never. We're a team."
"The darkness in me, it started to heal when she came," Ziva said. "But, the thoughts were still there. In those first few days, I was scared to go to sleep in case something happened to her. I spent hours thinking I was a terrible mother. I cried as much as she did. I thought if I called you, that it would be the final straw, you would be so angry that I kept her from you, that would take her. I knew that would be for the best, but if I lost her, I would not cope."
Tony sucked in a deep breath.
"Ziva," he said softly. "You're right I would have been pissed, but we would have worked it out."
"I am beginning to understand that now," Ziva replied, "But, in those first few months I was unwell. My doctor wanted to give me medication. She said it was just the drop in hormones, but it was more than that."
Tony reached for her hand, and squeezed it.
"How did you cope?" he asked. "From what I've heard the first year is crazy."
Ziva noticed the grimace as he said from what I've heard.
"I am honestly not sure," Ziva said softly. "Shmeil's neighbours tried to help, but I never left Tali alone with any of them. Then Shmeil got sick, and everything changed again. After Shmeil died, I moved back to the farmhouse. The neighbours thought I was crazy, but I needed to hide. I think I was punishing myself for not telling you."
Tony shook his head.
"So Tali and I spent a lot of time together, just us. She was a beautiful baby, and so happy even after everything I put her through. She kept me going." Ziva said. "I told her stories about you every day."
"Oh Ziva," he said softly.
"Things got easier once she turned one. She started to sleep for longer, and I felt more secure. Tali was such a funny toddler, she was always running around, and always laughing," Ziva said, remembering that day before Tali's birthday where the dark cloud started to lift. Ziva knew that she had put good into the world. "Then Orli started smelling around."
"Sniffing around," Tony corrected. "You know she told me that you two got close."
Ziva frowned. She had never trusted Orli.
"We did not know who it was, and the threat was not serious until the Spring," Ziva said softly. "But, there was chatter. Orli and I were not close. I kept her around out of necessity."
"So you decided to send Tali to me," Tony said. "Because of the threat."
"Not exactly," Ziva said. "Tali knew who you were, and I knew as she got older she would have questions. I knew I had to introduce the two of you. I was not being fair to either of you. After her first birthday, I decided I could not keep the two of you apart. I was stronger then, I thought I would be able to cope with your questions and anger. I would be able to deal with being apart from Tali, if we decided to do some sort of custody arrangement. I started to make enquiries."
"You spied on me?" Tony asked.
Adam had been recruited for this mission, and he had gladly accepted. Ziva should have known then she was messing with his heart. She caused so much pain.
Tony is seeing someone, Adam said, as he presented Ziva with photos of Tony and a brunette woman.
Ziva now knew that woman to be Zoe.
The woman Tony was trying to fit into a Ziva shaped hole.
"Not exactly," Ziva replied delicately. "I just needed to know how much I was disrupting. I worried that you had moved on. I did not want Tali and I to ruin that. I could not imagine, another woman being happy if I suddenly turned up with a child. With your child."
Tony kicked at the door of the car, and rushed out. He banged his hand on the roof of the car.
Ziva got out, the cool air was a shock. Tony's outburst was more of a shock.
"Tony," Ziva said softly. "Please get back in the car."
"I just need a minute," Tony said, as he held up his hand to stop her coming any closer. "I'm angry, and I don't want to shout at you. I know that whatever I say to you, you've already said to yourself and probably worse."
"Say it," Ziva said, as a car slowly inched past them. "Say everything you need to say."
"Ziva," he said, dragging out her name. "You're not going to like it."
"Maybe not," Ziva replied, "But it needs to be said."
"I just wonder when you are going to get it?" Tony all but shouted. "Whatever was going on in my life, I would have given it up for you, for both of you. Within 48 hours of Tali coming into my life, I'd handed in my badge, because I didn't want her to be wondering if Daddy would be home. I didn't want to even risk her losing me, I was all that she had. I would cross the earth for either of you. I'd do that until my feet were bleeding."
A tear slipped down Tony's face.
"It's always been you, Ziva," Tony said, as he wiped his tears away. "I know I spent a long time pretending otherwise, but that's because I was scared. That summer when Vance split us all up, that's when I knew. I missed you most of all. I had all these stories, I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't bring myself to call you, because I didn't know if we'd ever see each other. I didn't want to look desperate. By the time we were all together, you had Rivkin, and well we all know how that ended. Then when you stayed in Israel that first time, when we thought you were dead that first time-"
Ziva walked in front of the car, and reached for him. She wrapped her arms around him.
Within seconds her coat was wet, and not a drop came from the sky.
"That's what hurts," Tony said, as he looked at her, his eyes red. "There were so many times when we could have gone all in. There were so many times when I should have just manned up, and told you how I feel, or not glossed over it when you tried to tell me. We could have saved ourselves so much heartache. We could have been happy, a long time ago."
"I wish that too," Ziva said. "I wish I had been strong enough. I have spent so long just surviving."
"I look at Jimmy and Tim and I see what they have with Breena and Delilah," Tony continued. "I know they have their issues and hard times, but what they've got that's all I wanted with you. I know we can build our own little version of it, but there's always gonna be these extra layers. There's always gonna be things that hurt. We have a five year old, and we haven't even been on a proper date. It's like we're starting over for the millionth time, and we really can't screw it up this time, because that'll hurt Tali most of all."
Ziva placed his hand on his cheeks.
"We cannot change the past," Ziva said sadly.
"No," he said. "And, I'm so glad that we get to do this now. I know that until last month the future wasn't guaranteed. It just really hurts to think how much of a mess we made."
Ziva would always assume more responsibility for that mess.
"I am glad we get to do this too," Ziva said, as the tears fell freely.
"I'm always gonna wish that I got to be there in the beginning with Tali," Tony said, his voice cracking. "Just like I know you would give anything to have seen her grow for these last few years. We've both missed a lot, it kinda evens out."
"You are right," Ziva said, swallowing thickly. "I wish I could have been here with the two of you for the last three years. I wish I had just gotten on the plane even though I was scared. Maybe we could have worked it out."
Tony nodded.
"I know we're probably gonna have to keep talking about this," he said. "And, I'm glad we started this conversation. But, I want to get out of here. I'm gonna need some time to digest things. I might leave to get Tali a little early, and have some quiet time."
"I also made an appointment," Tony said."With that shrink I used to see. Between the three of us, we're paying for the psychiatrists of Paris summer vacations."
They had a weekly check-in with the shrink at Tali's school, but there was little to report. Tali was adjusting well. The tantrums and the bedwetting had ended as quickly as they started.
"That is probably for the best," Ziva said, as she rubbed his cheek. "I love you."
Tony pressed her head into his.
"I love you," he said, as he wrapped his arms around her. "We're gonna be okay."
"How do you know that?" she asked.
"We have to be," Tony replied. "We don't have any other options."
A car honked, causing Ziva and Tony to break apart.
A driver hung out the window and shook his head.
Ziva took his hand, and led him to the sidewalk.
"Shall we go home?" she asked. "If you are ready."
"I am." Tony said, as he pressed the fob and locked the car. "Let's go."
A/N: I don't own a thing.
Well folks, that was the big couple of chapters. I hope it lived up to expectations. The plan was to make it more about Ziva, but Tony's pain kept coming back up.
I hope you liked learning about Ziva's support system. I just could not bear to think that she had noone with her, when the biggest change in her life happened. Even if she should be with Tony.
Please leave a note if you liked it.
This chapter will never fill in the big gaping plot holes we got on the show, but I hope it worked.
The perfectionist gremlins came out in force with this one.
Thank you to everyone who has left reviews so far. I adore each one.
Next chapter will be up next week and much lighter, and we'll be going back to weekly updates. Your author is exhausted.