Inside out before you now
Bare these bones and lay me down
This suicide feels so alive
Will you take me as I am,
Inside out
-Emmy Rossum
I arrive in the prefects' bathroom. I undress and draw a bath. As the foamy water slowly surrounds me, I look down at myself. I see the scars that lace my body, and I am once again reminded of my father. I clench my hands and wince in imagined, or perhaps remembered, pain. Though the bruises have long faded, and all of the cuts have healed the best they can, the pain of that abuse is so much deeper than these physical scars that are left. I'm not strong; I'm not brave, I think, I never have been. It's all a lie. I had to be rescued every time this happened.
I rather absently reach over and turn the water off to keep it from spilling over the edges, mostly out of long habit than any conscious decision. Though deep down I know I won't, and can't, drown, I close my eyes and hold my breath, as I let myself fall backwards into the water. As I drifted, my mind replayed the memory of my sister's muffled screams as our father tried to drown me on multiple occasions. After an eternal minute or so, I come up, gasping for breath, as it were.
I swim to the side of the bath and lean over the side to hold myself up, before burying my head in my hands and start screaming like there's no tomorrow. I don't stop until my voice starts to go hoarse. I can't bear the pain.
But I so want to bear it; I want to end it all. I have to stop hurting myself. I just need help. I just need help…