A/N: This chapter is set postcotially. So, will feature some rather frank discussions about sex. Those, in lockdown with children, might want to save this one for after bedtime. There is nothing graphic. Those of you reading this after midday, may wish to take a drink every time S-E-X is mentioned.
Tony smiled as the door to his and Ziva's bedroom opened. His and Ziva's, theirs, it was still such a sweet notion.
After so long, they were finally together.
Ziva stepped through the door frame. She had wrapped herself in his fluffy robe. She was swimming in the grey fleece fabric. It reminded him of one of those early cases where she had been pushed into water by one of the bad guys, and wore the ugly grey NCIS tracksuit for a few hours.
He patted the space next to him in bed. It was still warm.
"We have things to do," she said, as she moved across the room.
Being the support team for a five year old, involved a lot of busy work.
He didn't know how parents with more than one kid, or like actual jobs did it. Probably, with a lot less sleep.
"Nothing that can't wait," he said. "It's cold, let's huddle for warmth."
Ziva smiled. A smile that started at her mouth, and rose through her face. She ran her hand through her hair, and looked at the place on the bed.
"I suppose it is only sensible," she said, as she slowly undid the tie of the bathrobe, and left it open. Tony caught sight of a body he knew so well. "For the sake of our survival."
Tony lifted up the duvet, and got a blast of cold air.
The bathrobe dropped to the floor, and Ziva got into bed quickly. He could see goose pimples on her arms.
He wrapped his arms around her waist, and she snuggled in.
Not too tight, he reminded himself, she's not going anywhere.
Ziva shifted slightly in the bed, and he got a mouthful of her hair.
He snuggled closer, they had to keep warm after all.
"You okay?" he asked, as Ziva ran her foot up and down his shin.
"Yes," she said, her voice soft. "Are you okay?"
"I'm good," he said, as he reached up with the arm that she had not pinned down, and moved her hair away from his nose.
Ziva wiggled her hips. His thighs touched the back of hers, and their bare skin made a squelching sound. Something that never happened on the shows on HBO, but happened a lot in real life.
"I know sex is complicated for you," he said.
He watched as the tension traveled up her spine. The familiar pang ate away at his stomach lining.
Shouldn't have said that DiNozzo, the voice in his head reminded him.
It had been two weeks since he and Ziva had finally had their big blow out conversation in the car. They had cast their nets far and wide, and dug up everything they had buried. Even the stuff they had completely blocked out. They were still working through some of the debris that had surfaced.
Tony had worried that the big conversation would cause more hurt, and they were already in so much pain. Instead, it had brought them closer, and they started to heal. The building the foundations of trust, one brick at a time. It was going to be hard work, but they were ready.
Their evenings, once Tali finally went to bed, were still spent sharing stories, but story time had started to become more tactile. They had always been tactile with each other, always in each other's space, but now they did all of it without restriction. There were no rules to break. Their hearts were open.
The goodnight kisses lingered. They fell asleep holding each other.
God, he had wanted to just hold her for so long.
Now, he could, until his dying day.
"Sex is complicated for everyone," she said, as her shoulders started to soften. "Anyone who says it is not complicated is lying, or missing something."
He thought about what she meant for a second, and thought about his younger years. When it was all about notches on his bedpost, and chasing a new girl. When as soon as anything resembling feelings came up he did a runner.
You can't get hurt feelings, if you don't have feelings in the first place.
Except, all of that ended up hurting him.
Once his frat brothers and buddies started getting married, and having families, Tony started to realise how lonely he was. Despite all of his bravado, he realised he wanted all of that. He was meant to be one half of a couple.
But, he did not think he deserved it.
Then Ziva entered his life. A whirlwind of curls, and bravado.
They had both been so young when they met.
If someone had told Tony about what was to come when they first met, he would have run a mile, and changed his name so he could never be traced.
But, then he would have missed out on so much.
A world without Tali in it, was not one he wanted to contemplate.
"You know what I mean," he said, as he ran his hand up and down the outside of her thigh. "We said we'd take it slow, and then we went whole hog the minute we were out of the gate."
They had talked about this, because they talked about everything now. They spent so long not talking, and so long pretending that things were okay when they weren't. Now, they talked until they were blue in the face.
When their lingering goodnight kisses turned into make out sessions that rivaled the ones Tony used to have on the beaches of Florida on Spring Break, they started to talk about where this was all going.
They made rules. They wouldn't go all the way while Tali was in the apartment, at least not for now, she had mostly gotten through the teething issues that arose when Ziva first came home, but still had the habit of seeking her parents out during the night. Not necessarily for comfort, but just to know they were there.
They would only go as far as either of them wanted to go. Tony had initially made that rule for Ziva, knowing these things were complicated, but the more that he thought about it, he had made the rule for him too. They were still building a trust, and a part of him still expected to wake up one day and find Ziva gone.
His heart couldn't take it.
"I am glad we did this," Ziva said, as she turned around in bed. The bed creaked with the movement. Tony took the opportunity to move his arm and try to wake it up. "I wanted to do this."
He studied her face, and reached up to move some hair away from her eyes. She smiled at him, a full beam of a smile.
"I'm glad too," he said softly. "Even if today does kinda remind me of college."
Ziva frowned, and a line creased her forehead.
"Because it is ten thirty?" she asked.
Tony reached under the duvet for her hip. He placed his hand on her hips, and was surprised by the ridges of her skin. He knew almost every scar.
He had forgotten about the cigarette burn that was there. A souvenir from her time on the horn of Africa.
Ziva's body had been through so much. Too much.
"Yeah," he said, as Ziva moved closer, and their knees banged against each other. "And, the fact that we had to wait until our roommate was out of the house, to do this."
Ziva did a sort of half laugh. They were so close that Tony could feel the vibration.
"With our roommate being our five and a half year old daughter?" Ziva asked.
He smiled. The half was very important. Tali was very good at reminding people that she was not just five, but five and a half.
"Yeah," he said, "You know, she's probably the worst roommate I've ever had. She doesn't pay a dime, doesn't do any chores, and makes such a goddamn mess."
Tali was a human cyclone, picking up things and dropping them off in completely random places. Tony found books in the bathtub once.
Ziva smiled. Her eyes twinkled. They always did when she talked about Tali.
"We created her," Ziva said, "We are stuck with her."
Tony laughed this time.
"I am sure we can give her some age appropriate chores," Ziva said. "I have been reading this book."
Ziva's nightstand had a stack of books. There was the parenting book that Jimmy had sent as a belated holiday present, the therapy book her therapist had recommended, and the fiction book she had picked up from one of the booksellers on the banks of the river Seine.
"You can take the lead on that one," Tony replied. "Our kid gets her attitude from her Ima."
"She gets it from both of us," Ziva said quickly. "Her tantrums are pure DiNozzo."
Tony leaned forward, and placed a kiss on Ziva's forehead.
"She's the best combination of us," he whispered.
"I hope so," she said, her voice getting heavy.
He knew where her mind was going, even after everything she lived through, there was still a part of Ziva that believed she was bad. Poison. A part of her that believed she deserved every bad thing that happened to her.
Quiet passed between them, as they looked into each other's eyes.
Outside a car horn beeped, and shouts of French that had been learnt later in life rose up from the street.
"I have a doctors appointment next week," Ziva announced, "So we do not have to worry about being so prepared. That will help this feel less like college."
On the previous Friday, while Ziva did the grocery shop, Tony had stepped into the pharmacy, and brought a packet of condoms. Embarrassment had reddened his face, as he walked up to the counter to buy them. The pharmacist assistant, a woman who seemed perpetually bored, had raised her eyebrow to her hairline, as Tony put the packet on the counter.
Maybe, he shouldn't have brought the ones that were ribbed for her pleasure. It had been so long since he brought condoms.
"You know I still can't tell whether the pharmacist thought I was buying them for a teenage son, or because I was an American abroad who was going to try some local cuisine" he said.
"She probably judges everyone," Ziva said softly, as she took his hand. "I thought you would like this feeling like college, you did like to date coeds."
Tony grimaced.
"I did," he said. "But, I'm a Dad now, Tali's closer to college than I am."
He did not want to imagine Tali being so old. It seemed like yesterday, he walked into Vances office, and Orli introduced him to his daughter. Her daughter. Their living breathing, already walking daughter, who changed everything.
"I always wanted to go to college," Ziva admitted, with a slight smile. "I know I would never have the experiences like you and Tim used to talk about, but I liked the idea of getting a degree. Especially because I was around so many people who had advanced degrees."
He wondered if that had been on her new 'I will' list, the one they had buried under the olive trees.
His, the one that had been written on the plane home, had included 'learn how to live without her', knowing that there was no chance of that.
"You still could," he said. "You'd be way better at school than I was."
It still amazed him that he managed to get a degree amongst all that partying.
"We live in Paris," Ziva said, shaking her head. "My French is good, but not good enough for university level courses."
"I'm pretty sure there's a couple of international campuses here," he said, "Or you could do something online."
"I am nearly forty," she replied.
And, he was closer to fifty than he wanted to be.
"The best thing in my life didn't happen until I was over forty," he declared, thinking of Tali, and the smile that brought him out of the worst funk. "I know you drive like you have a death wish, but you've got a whole lotta life left."
He reached behind him, and touched the headboard of the bed.
"Touch wood," he whispered.
He had only just got her back, he could not even bring himself to imagine losing her.
"I have only just come back," Ziva said, her eyes focused on the ceiling. "I am only just learning how to cope with the choices I had to make. I do not think I have the mental energy for university right now."
"Okay, maybe not this year," he said softly. "But when you're ready, we can look into it. I did enjoy dating coeds."
If it would be another year or two until Ziva started university, maybe he wouldn't just be dating her, but they would be married.
Even after everything that happened, he wanted to marry her. He wanted to declare his love for her in front of everyone they loved.
Maybe one day, he told himself.
"I do not think it would be fair to Tali," Ziva said. "I have been gone for so long. College would take a lot of time."
"Most college classes are during the day," he said again. "Just like her school. She would barely notice you were gone. Besides, I'm retired so it's not like Tali would be a latch key kid."
"Do you think you will be retired forever?" she asked.
"Dunno," he said.
When it was just him and Tali, he was busy. Even when Tali was at school, he had lots to do. It took a lot to maintain a household, especially in a country where he did not speak the language.
Now, with Ziva sharing the load, he found himself with days where he had very little to do. Since Tali went back to school, he had been to the cinema once a week. He had also found time to finally do the therapy, he should have done three years ago.
"We have the money," Ziva said, delicately, "You could be retired for ever."
A trust had been set up for Tali, with the proceeds from Eli's estate, once a month an amount of money that could cover their expenses three times over appeared in Tony's account. Between that and the below market rent he charged the McFamily, they were more than okay financially. Especially, since Tony was rather frugal with the money set aside for Tali, he did not see it as his.
Tony had never aspired to be a kept man.
"We'll see," he said, with a shrug. "I haven't been thinking too far ahead, especially not during the last three years."
Survival had been the name of the game.
"Neither have I," Ziva admitted. "Even now, I find it hard to think too far in advance."
Ziva was still expecting the other shoe to drop, and everything to fall apart. So was he.
"Maybe, we should start to talk about it," Tony said. "Not the big stuff, but the little stuff. When Tali is off for summer break, depending on what happens with this virus stuff, I'd like to go on a vaccination. Still in France. Maybe, we could go to the Riviera."
"I would like that too," Ziva said, with a smile. "I have not seen much of France outside of Paris."
Tony smiled. He would show her some of the AirBnBs that he had been looking at. They needed somewhere with privacy.
Tony's stomach rumbled loudly.
Ziva smirked.
"Maybe, we should focus on the more immediate future," she said, as she reached her hands down to his belly, and patted it softly. "We have eggs, yes?"
The duvet ruffled. Another woosh of cold air attacked them. He needed to look at the radiator. It was too cold in the apartment.
The bed was so warm, he didn't want to leave, but he was hungry.
Ziva did not like the idea of breakfast in bed. She thought it was unsanitary. If they were going to be together forever, he was going to work to change that.
"Wait," he said, reaching out to grab her wrist. "There is something I want to say."
Ziva moved closer. Her leg wrapped around his.
"Okay," she said. "I am all ears."
"You got the one right," he declared.
"I lived in America for eight years," she replied. "I did pick up some things."
He smiled.
"What did you want to say?" she asked.
There was a rumble from her own stomach.
"I just want to say that I know today, wasn't my best performance," he said, his eyes focused at a point just above her forehead, "It's been a while, and it turns out I'm out of practice."
Ziva's mouth dropped open, but nothing came out.
"You mean-" Ziva started. Confusion furrowed her brows.
"In bed," he interrupted. "I haven't been with anyone since Tali came into my life."
Ziva looked up at the ceiling.
"I did not ask you to be celibate," she said.
She did not ask him to do a lot of things, but he did them anyway.
"It wasn't exactly a deliberate choice," he said. "For those first couple of years I had Tali with me 24/7, there was a phase where she was following me into the bathroom."
"I thought your father visited every few months," Ziva asked.
"He did," Tony said. "Usually for a couple of weeks, but I never left Tali with him for long. It would have been a couple of hours tops. I'm good but I'm not that good."
About a year after Tali entered his life, Senior had started suggesting that Tony download a dating app. Something he could use while Tali played in the park, and something that could be discrete. Tony had downloaded it to placate the old man, but had never even signed in.
Ziva would be back soon, and she was the only person he wanted to date.
"Besides, I never really left Tali with him at nighttime," Tony said softly. "You know how clingy she gets at bedtime. Even if Tali was less clingy at bedtime, I didn't want her to think she had to share me. I know what it's like when you're a kid and your Dad's thinking about his next screw rather than their kid."
Senior was bound for Paris at the end of the week, and was hoping to stay for at least a month.
Tony was hoping to take Ziva out on a proper date, their first proper date, while Senior was visiting, but he wasn't sure how Tali would react.
He wasn't sure how Ziva would react either.
They were supposed to be taking things slow. As slow as two people who shared a five year old and a tiny apartment could.
"Yes," Ziva said. "I am sorry, you had to go through that."
"Ziva, don't apologize," he said, feeling his voice crack. "There are worse things in the world, than me having to get very acquainted with my hand, because you were out there keeping us safe."
Ziva's eyes flitted around the room.
"I had to use my body," Ziva said, her voice barely above a whisper. "While, we were apart. Sometimes, it is the easiest currency to trade in. I feel like you should know that."
His heart broke for her.
Her body had been through so much. Too much.
"Oh Ziva," he whispered, as she pulled her closer.
"And, the medication I am on," Ziva started. "One of the side effects is minor sexual dysfunction. Perhaps that is why this does not feel like last time?"
"I don't want this to feel like last time," Tony said. "Last time we did this, we were saying goodbye."
Ziva's eyes welled up.
Last time was in her farmhouse. Last time they spent hours just soaking in each other. They touched each other tenderly, and held tight. It was goodbye. Goodbye, forever.
Except Tali had been conceived, binding them forever.
"I really thought that was goodbye forever," she said.
"I'm glad it wasn't," he replied. "And, I'm glad this is different from the other times we've done it, because it is different this time. We know we get to do this again."
Ziva nodded softly. Her eyes were watery.
"Do you remember what this was like, that summer Gibbs was away?" she asked.
Tony let out an all mighty cackle.
Those weekly visits to her apartment had started innocently enough, they had worked one of those backbreaking cases with a heartbreaking ending, and Ziva wanted to feed him. He did not understand it at the time but cooking was how Ziva showed love.
Then the visits became weekly, and sometimes twice weekly. At first the visits were supposed to be piano lessons, and then movie nights, because Ziva found an old television on the side of the street.
They fell into bed, one, two, three times.
The first time had been when they got too drunk with the team. They never talked about that time.
The second time had been when a case involved a dead child, and they both needed comfort. That had been dismissed by both of them as a moment of weakness. They had vowed not to let it affect anything. To prove the point they both made a show of dating other people.
The third time had been just before Tony went on his 'conference' to Dusseldorf. Tony had already been briefed on the Beniot mission, and knew that his Ziva's nights together had to end. He told her as much, when he picked up his stuff to leave the next morning. He pretended he did not see her face fall.
"I don't think I could do half of those moves," he said. "My back isn't what it used to be."
Ziva smirked.
"You know everytime I said it was nothing," she whispered. "I was lying. It was something. I was just scared of what it would be."
They had been so young.
"Me too," he said. "I wonder if we could have worked it all out then."
He wondered sometimes, if they would have survived their relationship, if it had happened like it did in the Deep Six books. Both of them were so afraid to let anyone in. They probably would have destroyed each other.
"I think our story was always going to be complicated," Ziva said. "Though, I could have done without some of our complications."
He nodded.
"I'm glad we get to do this," he said. "Even if it feels really awkward right now."
They had skipped straight to the awkward middle-aged post kids sex, without the years of good sex to sustain them. It didn't seem fair.
Not after everything they had been through.
"We will find our new rhythm," Ziva proclaimed. "In all of this. I believe that."
His stomach rumbled again. So did hers. Zva laughed. Her curls bounced.
"I should get started on those eggs," she whispered. "Before your hunger makes you faint."
Ziva showed her love through food.
Tony smirked. Ziva got up from the bed, and pulled his bathrobe back over herself.
Tony had been meaning to take her to get one of her own, but perhaps she could keep his. It looked good on her.
"If I feel really faint, I might have to eat Tali's cheese snacks," Tony said, as he got up, and collected a pair of boxers from under the pillow. Outside of the bed was cold, so he picked up his old OSU hoodie for warmth. "You know the ones in the yellow packet."
"And, how would we explain that to Tali," Ziva asked, as she sauntered through the doorway. "She will know if some are missing. She counts them."
"Well I figured, if she asks me I'll say you took one," Tony said, as he followed her into their living room. "And, if she asks you, you'll say I took one."
Ziva turned back, and shook her head.
"Do not bring me into your petty theft," Ziva replied.
"I've waited three years to be able to implicate you in my crimes," he shot back. "I deserve this."
"Perhaps we should save this defence," Ziva said, her voice like a purr, something she knew he could not resist. "For when she has those chocolate snacks, you know the one where you dip the little sticks into the chocolate sauce. I do not think the defence is something we will be able to use often."
A smile broke out over Tony's face.
"I knew you liked those ones," Tony said. "You should have seen your face, when Tali refused to share them with you last week."
Tali DiNozzo did not share food.
They reached the kitchen, and Ziva disappeared behind the door of the fridge.
"No comment," Ziva said.
Tony moved further into the kitchen, and started to root around for the frying pan. He wondered if they still had some of the bread they had brought home the day before. He was starved.
"The eggs will not take long," Ziva declared, as she closed the fridge, and placed the tray of eggs on the counter. She also brought out some mushrooms and tomatoes. Ziva made a good omelette. "Do you think you can exercise some restraint for a few minutes, or do I have to defend our daughters snacks?"
Tony stepped out of the kitchen, they had learnt pretty soon after Ziva came back, that their kitchen was not big enough for two adults to comfortably cook. It was barely big enough for one.
If they were going to start talking about the future, they were going to have to start talking about moving. Whether that was back to D.C, or simply further out of the city. Maybe, somewhere with a guest room, so that his Dad wouldn't have to stay in a hotel.
"The snacks are safe," he said. "For now. But, may I suggest breakfast in bed?"
A/N: I don't own a thing.
Folks, this chapter has been through quite a few iterations before the one before you. I'm still not 100% happy with it, but my perfectionism is my poison. I wanted to convey the awkwardness but also the hope that is going to be revisited throughout the fic. I hope it translated well from the visions in my head, to the screen.
I also introduce you to my personal headcanon, that they our duo had a few instances of 'no strings' sex during the summer between seasons three and four. Make of that what you will.
Fear not, our babies will find their rhythm in the bedroom, but you'll have to use your imaginations for that. I don't write those sort of fics.
Next chapter should be up next week. It will feature Tali again, and Senior.
For those who are interested in the timeline of this fic, this chapter is set on the last Monday in January. Future chapters will be more spread out in terms of timeline.
Finally, thank all of you for your kind words, tweets, reviews and faves. If you feel like leaving a review please do, as by the time I read them it will be my birthday in my timezone.