A/N: Thank you for your kind responses! I'm glad to see that I wasn't alone in seeing this connection. So I'm excited to write some more! If you haven't seen the episodes discussed here, they are Season 11x9, Perverted, and Season 13x8, Educated Guess, aside from the evident Harris and Lewis episodes.
How do you begin to arrange your thoughts when the experiences that created those thoughts are inherently chaotic? As Olivia drained her wine glass, her disorganized brain jumped all around, and she didn't try to reign it in.
The four days with Lewis, and the subsequent day at the granary, had been the worst experiences of Olivia's life. There was no doubt about that. It's hard to remember that there was a time when her worst experience was anything else.
But Lewis wound up tied together with Harris in that part of her brain that processes trauma. Her subconscious had compared much of what Lewis did with what Harris had done first. Therapy had helped her process the torture that Lewis put her through, but she hadn't ever brought up Harris with Lindstrom. After all, Lewis had put her through an entirely different realm of hell. Comparatively, it never felt like Harris had to be brought up, especially since Olivia had already been to a therapist eight years ago when it happened. It took time, but she thought she had recovered.
In fact, she only spoke about Harris—indirectly, of course—twice since finishing the last therapy session seven years ago.
First, when Ed Tucker had interrogated her over the murder of biker Clyde Vandyne. He attempted to twist together a scenario where Clyde tried to attack Olivia and she snapped, using his discovery that she had been seeing a therapist the year prior as ammunition against her.
"Why'd you see a psychiatrist last year?" "Excuse me?" "Rumor has it, it was for post-traumatic stress." "...I got help for an issue that I was having." "I was just outside with your partner; he told me all about it." "You're lying."
Ha! As if Olivia would ever have told Elliot what had happened at Sealview. Hell, if she had it her way, Fin wouldn't know either. But she couldn't actually wish that to be true, because she was too grateful that Fin arrived in time to save her.
Tucker had continued his interrogation, attempting to trigger an emotional reaction or a confession. He crafted a hypothetical situation, making Olivia grow more and more uncomfortable by the second.
"You deal with an awful lot of rapists on this job...Did one of them attack you, overpower you?" "It has nothing to do with this case." "It does if you had a flashback. People with PTSD get them all the time."
It had been over a year since Sealview at that point, and several months since her last therapy session. She knew she wouldn't ever forget what had happened, but she had accepted the event, and had her PTSD treated by that point. And yet, Tucker hypothesizing a scenario, and getting close to a truth (though certainly not the truth—she had never even met Clyde) was enough to send her mind spiralling back once again, her discomfort transitioning to outright anxiety and anger.
"Is that what happened to you?" "Absolutely not." "Clyde attacked you in an alley and it triggered a flashback?" "You're wrong." "You were right back in that position of complete helplessness. He had his hands all over you, he was taking your clothes off—" "No." "—he was going to violate you again and you couldn't let it happen." "I NEVER let that happen."
It was true—technically, she hadn't. She had been fully dressed when Harris cornered her in the back of that basement, handcuffed to the door while he stroked himself. And Fin had come rushing in before a definitive "violation" took place. But regardless, Tucker painting such a vivid picture had brought back some painful emotions. And, Tucker followed up that conversation by arresting her on the spot, and she spent the day in jail—that certainly didn't help push back memories of the last time she was behind bars.
"They'll document all wounds during your strip search at intake."
God, what a nightmare of a situation that case was. When she was finally cleared of the charges, she decided to schedule a follow-up therapy session. It helped ground her once more, and thankfully, since then, she hadn't really faced any triggers. Tucker had later apologized for pushing her so hard, but even now as his girlfriend, she had never admitted to him how near accurate he had been. After all, she had started to feel normal—or as normal as Olivia Benson could feel.
In fact, the second and final time she had brought Harris up, it was to help her empathize with a victim. She had done this a couple of times before, more immediately after Sealview, to identify with and empathize with other victims—but this was the only time she had done so without the safety net of therapy to fall back on. This time, she related her own experience to help Gia understand that illegally obtaining a gun would not help her feel safer.
"Gia, we know that you're angry and afraid, but a gun? That's not the answer." "Says the woman who carries one on her hip." "Yeah. And bad things have happened to me. I've been stabbed...I've been assaulted. And my gun didn't save me."
She hadn't intended to mention the experience, but she wanted to prove her point. And, it inadvertently helped her form a bond with Rollins. Amanda had questioned Olivia after they left Gia's room about those comments, and had mentioned her own assault in passing (which Olivia wouldn't know the details of until three years later). Exchanging these bits of themselves had felt so human, and it felt good to know she wasn't alone—especially since she had felt so alone around that time, after Elliot had up and left without a word. In any case, she had unknowingly reached a point where bringing up what had happened with Harris did not send her mind back to the basement.
Then, everything with Lewis happened. It was so public, too—a media circus publicizing her kidnapping and eventual safety, documenting the complicated trial and her later admission of perjury. Because it was all so public, she was forced to talk about what had happened with Lewis. Her colleagues would periodically check up on her mental state, or she'd notice their watchful glances. She lived with Brian at the time, too, and she couldn't hide her automatic reactions from him—wincing whenever the gas stove was clicked on, jumping when he approached her from behind, gasping awake from recurrent nightmares. It's harder to compartmentalize when it seems like everyone knows what happened to you, and jumps to conclusions. In other words, William Lewis had lived at the front of her mind for a long time, and Lowell Harris was able to lurk in the shadows, unacknowledged.
Until today.
Olivia shifted on the couch, resting her elbows on her knees, with her head in her hands. She had let two different men overpower her. What kind of cop lets that happen? What was wrong with her? Didn't she learn her lesson the first time around?
The rational side of her brain knew she was being too hard on herself, that anyone can be victimized and it would never reflect on them as a person. She would never say these words to one of her victims, so she shouldn't say them to herself. But the wine was quickly drowning out that rational voice.
Even Lewis could tell that something had happened to her. What was it that he said at the beach house? "I can always smell a victim."
The irrational part of her brain was growing louder, and she hated herself for letting the absurd thoughts through, but she couldn't reign them in. She wondered how Lewis would have felt, knowing that it wasn't him who had derailed her during the case today, but a different man. Would he be jealous, that he hadn't "altered the trajectory" of her life enough to make her forget the rest of her past? Or would he delight in her current distress, in her mind's self-destruction? She guessed the latter. She finished her glass of wine and poured herself another.
As bad as Lewis was, there was something about the visceral fear she felt when she was with Harris that was permanently etched into her mind. Lewis had been a sadist, focused on pain and psychological torment. Over the four days, she had certainly been scared, but she was also so out of it from the vodka and pills. It added a layer of hazy film over her memories of the events. And at the granary, it had all been one psychological game to Lewis. When he gave her the ultimatum—her or Amerlia—she knew that he just wanted to humiliate her further, and she took the upper hand by not resisting. Russian roulette had terrified her more than anything else, but it was fear of death rather than of Lewis.
Harris, however, had truly actually reminded her of her own weakness. She had broken free and beaten the shit out of Lewis at the beach house, effectively saving herself. And she had given herself up to Lewis at the granary, by her own choice (if you could call an ultimatum at gunpoint a choice). But Harris, an ordinary man, had overpowered her. She had fought like hell—elbowing him, running as far as she could in the claustrophobic and dingy basement, screaming for anyone to help her—and none of it had mattered. She ended up on the dirty floor, handcuffed to the window bars on the locked door, while Harris, pants pulled down, threatened her:"Bite me and you're dead." She tried to wrench herself away, but she had nowhere to go as he physically twisted her head back towards his crotch. Sobs had wracked her body, and she knew with certainty that she wouldn't be able to get away. He was going to assault her. She had accepted her fate.
Only by a miracle was she saved by Fin sprinting in, just in time. That was what had damaged her so severely—that she had to rely on someone else to save her, that she had been entirely unable to do anything to save herself.
That perceived weakness had been the primary focus of her therapy sessions, once she finally admitted that she needed professional help. She accepted that it wasn't her fault, and there was nothing she could have done. But now, she was faced with her own weakness again. How could she be an SVU lieutenant if she was left in emotional shambles when a victim merely described her assault? The similarities between Charisse's story and Olivia's undercover experience had been uncanny, though, down to Gary Munson's preferred sexual act.
Finally, a voice that sounded somewhat like Lindstrom pushed its way through her mind, quieting the irrational thoughts. It wasn't your fault then, and you are not weak for having experienced that assault. If you can't separate your emotions from this case, then try to use your feelings productively. You know better than anyone how corrupt COs can be—channel that understanding into your work on this case. Your assault is not Charisse's assault, and Charisse needs your help now.
Olivia paused to process that idea. Whether or not it was advice that real-Lindstrom would actually have given her, it resonated with her. Just as she had for Ashley Tyler back in 2008, she could use her experience to fuel her work in taking this basard down.
Sure, she was distraught, but she was also angry. Angry that a man would use his position to overpower women continually and systemically. Angry that cases like this seemed to fall through the cracks, especially at Rikers. Angry that Lowell Harris had never paid for what he did to her.
Olivia could work with anger. She could pursue justice for Charisse using that as a driving factor. Having come to that conclusion, she felt a strange sense of relief. Maybe she can be a good lieutenant after all.
With a resolve to carry her anger with her to the meeting with Barba in the morning, she finished her glass of wine, stood up, and headed to bed for what would invariably be a fitful sleep.
A/N: This was a bit all over the place, but I feel like it would reflect Olivia's own jumbled thoughts. Next chapter picks up with the scene where Olivia, Fin, Mike and Barba discuss the case. Feel free to suggest any additional scenes you'd like to see!