"Zoidberg… Ohhh, Zoidberg! Got some fresh fish for you! Better get it quick, or I'll carve 'em with chips…"
Owing to obvious reasons, the kid virtually ate his fist to stop him scoffing, but as 'Zoidberg'—Cthulhu's deadbeat cousin at a glance—emerged from the decay, he felt his bowels churn and voice be torn from his throat. Lab coat, doctor's slacks and sandals, no doubt fished from the dumpster.
As their hungry eyes followed and homed in on Leela's package, a Yiddish accent escaped its maw.
"Fish, you say? And you bought them for me? Why, I don't know if I should look."
"But of course! Please, go ahead."
As its fin crept into a Mohican style, and as the thing grew enamoured by way of longer, deeper sniffs, Mayfield tried his best to ignore the nausea. If he knew from his five-second peek exactly why Zoidberg acted this way, that and the worsening stench might've had him hurl his burgers into the Hudson.
This creature, however, never wavered for a second as he took on airs of food critics…
"The tuna; a classic friend in a roll or by itself… These night-crawlers, delicious snacks even when dry & stringy… And wait a minute, do I smell bottlenose dolphin?" An excited clack of his claws. "Oh, they're my favourite, especially when it's fresh & oozing!"
He leapt out of the dumpster, scattering bottles, cardboard and detritus everywhere, dropped before the Captain, and inclined his head.
"I bless you for this gift your Grace, now…"
Leela had wagged a finger: "Ah ah ah crab-cake, I'll need a favour from you first! We need these headquarters over the weekend… Think you can arrange that?"
"Forget just the weekend, Captain Leela... I'll make it so you always find a way in!"
In moments, all that built-up arousal had enraged that creature into a set of pulsing eyes, nasty drools and vicious roars as he scuttled fast towards the building's back end.
What happened after, once Leela gripped his hand and chased after 'Zoidberg', might've had the kid brown his brand new jeans.
Once docile, the monster treated that metal as though it were wet tissue paper; years of construction almost moot as Captain and 'child' walked through the gap together without issue.
True to her word, as Zoidberg did a quick one-eighty and hopped in childlike wait, Leela tossed that package over. The way the thing squealed once he chomped down his culinary prize, Mayfield might've imagined it to be Christmas afternoon.
Never could've known those true intentions, nor of Leela's wicked smirk right after.
Only she knew, regarding Zoidberg's incident, that she'd paid him back ten-fold. Even for who she knew growing up, she could only tolerate—merely at best—the crew doctor for being an endless source of cheap entertainment. For being Planet Express's worst-kept secret yet…
Loyal to a fault, blamed for any fault, and punished for every fault. Since The Professor always excused him, the rest of the crew often had to wait for Hermes to hand out retribution.
Lucky for Leela, she got her wish when the bureaucrat, musing over his latest forms in the kitchen, heard the sudden metallic groan and raced for the elevator. Trust the big boss to be napping in his hover-chair, of all times…
Nonetheless, whether he knew of the cruel deception or not, Hermes cared little as he found the oblivious culprit. Crossing his arms as he stood behind, he gave a sudden yell of "ZOIDBERG!" that almost scattered those fish everywhere. The crab could only turn, in the middle of a mouthful.
"Use the lobby you imbecile! That's coming out of your pay!"
As her scheme turned the crab's tuna and dolphin buffet into an anchovy one, Leela let loose a cackle, a sound and context to crinkle Mayfield's nose, leave his tongue-tip out. Crawled from the dumpster for a worthless feed, only to be backstabbed like that?
Fearing what he'd say against his reddening cheeks, he figured it best to quip instead. Almost hurt him the first time, not knowing the full story…
"Huh, resourceful sort aren't you? But why at another's expense?"
"In here and out there, you succeed however you can. Pick your battles wisely, kid."
Were it not for the spaceship that washed through his sights, Mayfield might've let loose at such a cruel set of words. Instead, his jaw chose to cover his neck as he took it all in; the thing must've stood at least a hundred feet tall! Even for all he had seen up to now, he couldn't be sure this was real…
"Bugger me dead… Is that an actual, no kidding spaceship, or are my eyes deceiving me?"
"Very good genius… Did you forget me already?" Leela snorted. "Captain and Head Pilot of 'PLANET' Express, remember?"
"Oh, ix-nay on the arcasm-say… Could've been referring just to Earth, for all I knew then."
"Oh Lord"—she crossed her arms—"please tell me you're not serious right now!"
The small spat having got his attention, The Professor woke from his nap and idly hovered above them.
"Who are you two?"
"Geeze… I'm the lady who keeps this roof over your head, and he's here to fill that year-long vacancy of yours. Maybe help our visions to become reality. Think you could start him fresh on Monday?"
"I don't recall sending out such advertisements, what are you fuffing on about?"
"Chef and delivery boy roles, since…" Her sentence just stopped, as Mayfield shot a quizzical look.
A hum, then stir: "Eh-wha? Oh right, now I know! All those applicants, the poor sons-of-bit... But that's not important. Alright Captain, what's he got that the others didn't?"
"Very little, if anything. However, I'll handle getting him up to speed, and you just let him deliver or cook. Leave his tips alone, and fingers crossed that we'll be better off. How's that sound?"
"Hmm, he's got the look of the Stupid Ages, and I've never hired them… So why should I extend such a courtesy now?"
A flinch in her face, before she steeled herself: "Not like we could honestly do worse, boss. So what do you say?"
His neck veins threatening to show, the kid could only fidget for Farnsworth to mull him over. Once they saw his drooping head and heard the snores, it took Leela's yell to arise a final shrug and handshake from him.
"I s'pose that's true, so welcome aboard young man!"
"Great, cheers for having me."
"But so we're clear"—as he pointed skyward—"you'll have to prove yourself before you're full-time crew… and sometime payroll."
A private yet rather public confession, one that didn't please Mayfield any judging by his now squeezing handshake.
"Bringing me on-board just to stiff me? I never signed up for that hot steaming load, mate."
"I'm sorry Mayberry, but not like I can hand out wages willy-nilly. We only stay alive because of greased palms, horrible safety records, and a willingness for anything. Didn't our Captain tell you?"
Could've stared to set his and Farnsworth's arrest in motion, as Mayfield's face turned tectonic.
"She hinted towards it, but I didn't think it'd be THAT bad! How peachy it must be to hire and fire me, or screw me around, just to save a few bucks… What kind of show are you running here, prune skin?"
"The same kind that'll have the cops collect your career-dodging ass right now! Unless you'd rather betray our company and work for a bitter old hag instead, I daresay you've got no choice, boy!"
"If you're the boss, I see no difference. And if you do, there'll be no proctologist to remove that phone. Betrayal nothing; way I see it, why waste our time if none of us can get what we want?"
"She and I would pay you what you're worth, you're smart enough to figure the rest out. Don't like it, go say hi to the other suck—er, eager workers who'll take your place. You wanted a chance, and here it is, now are you in or out?"
That argument had Mayfield bow his head; who was he kidding once he scanned his eyeballs? It was more than he deserved, especially for the idea to pop inside.
"You know what? In your roundabout way, you're right. To say the least, I was nothing before, never mind now. Fine, I'll take your fresh start, but under one critical condition."
A laugh to befit the mad one, his head thrown back: "Now this'll be good!"
"Short and simple, I live here for nothing. When they apply, you pay for my utilities, groceries and on-the-job meals. In return, I'll build this business any way I can to make the big bucks… Do we have a deal?"
"You must think I'm made of money, do you Mayfly? The nerve to act like another mooch!"
"I've no food nor water, I don't have electricity, your Captain and I can both vouch for my shelter, and I've not a dollar to my name. Who knows, just might be the best investment you've made. We understand each other?"
"Oh foo… Fine, you can move in! Eyeball, show this young loafer 'round, while I return to my scheduled nap."
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As the Professor sank in, snored, and hovered out of sight, Leela gave a low growl before she beckoned her charge towards the front entrance. Only his remark to beat her to the punch.
"Good grief, what an arsehole. And why is he still running things instead of retiring?"
Thin pressed lips in response: "Tells you the whole story, doesn't it? Lucky for you I'm the only boss you need to worry about. Just follow my orders, and you'll be fine. Thought about your role?"
"Your lucky's my scared to death, but here we are. That said, I'll carry on the old man's legacy & spirit, and be your delivery boy."
"Got it, and by the way, that's a good thing kid. There's way worse out there to suffer, and trust me, I KNOW that complacency kills. We'll have no problems working together, so long as we're clear on those."
"Clear as could be. Just not convinced, given how we met…"
"Okay, that's enough about our past! Don't invite reminders, and you won't suffer that again. Fair?"
"If only it were that easy for me to forget."
"Whatever. Now first things first, we're in the Hangar. Where the business happens; don't need Baker Street's finest to know that. Before and after we deliver, we'll do occasional repairs, tune-ups and detailing where we can afford to."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, while you're on probation, you MUST get a full-time crew member to assist your duties. If you seek Amy or myself, well…"
"Wait wait wait… Could you say that again, just a little more slowly?"
"If. You. Seek. Amy…"
"I'd be glad to, but where's the queue?" Mayfield snickered. Wasn't laughing moments after, as his Captain caught his lips through a prompt, sharp slap.
"Listen here, idiot… I'm here to educate, NOT entertain! Now as for Amy, you can't miss her ugly pink sweatsuit and stupid hairdo. Understood?"
"Oww, was that worth killing me for? Other than that, yeah."
"In addition, I'll expect your help to scrub down our ship, front stripe to back fins, at least once every week, or as I order necessary. These days, it's crucial that we maintain polished airs at all times."
"A high-danger deal, to summon High Command, I take it? Or should I say… High-high, Captain?"
Leela didn't say it, but she thought it out loud: "Ugh, what did I do to deserve you?"
"Well, anyway, sounds as fun as being tossed into a bear cave slathered in honey."
"Unless you quit complaining, that'll be how you end up."
"It's like that, is it Leela? Haven't I borne enough of your stupid scars already?"
"First of all, in this building or on that ship, I'm Captain or Ma'am. You'll do well to address me as such. Second of all… Quit acting stupid, stop being such a smartass, and keep up!"
Having a few mutters to himself, Mayfield caught a glance of beakers churning and bubbling, before his Captain led him inside a room of several wooden benches, tall labelled lockers and an empty offshoot. At least, before Leela revealed its actual use…
"So this here's where our locker rooms are situated, and in addition, complete unisex showers…"
"Whoa, whoa, wait a minute… Unisex showers? You mean both ladies AND gents get together to wash themselves?"
"No, we slide across those floors all day, pink shirts only… What do you THINK unisex means?"
"Nothing ma'am. Guess that after a thousand years, it doesn't mean fucking on a college campus anymore."
"Oh for God's sake! Anyway, forget a thousand years ago, THIS is your life now! You can't handle our naked bodies here, you'll be hopeless when our lives fall—and they will—into your hands. Here's your chance to get comfortable, until that day."
"Easy for you to bloody say… Seriously Captain, suck some helium and lighten up. I'm still wrapping my head around giant spaceships, people tubes, hovercars and hideous creatures, for Christ's sake!"
"One way or another, you'll learn what millions of lost causes already have… Step up, step aside, or start stepping out."
Whatever he said after, it took time for their tempers to cool, for the tour to continue. Her eye soon rolled to the heavens, as she gave him a quick tour of the lab and soon reached the lobby's front door.
"So through this lobby is where we'll come in during open hours; immediately after you've got the office of Hermes Conrad. He'll handle all the boring but necessary bits to get you started. Beyond him lies Zoidberg's office, our resident doctor and…"
Mayfield's quivers rocked him again: "Stop right there! You mean to tell me that the creature who helped us get in, is a DOCTOR?!"
"I'm sorry kid, did I stutter?"
"And all for fish? Good grief, I'm glad I didn't go to medical school."
"It was my fervent hope that you did. Sadly, for paperwork's sake, Professor will require a physical. If you value your life, that'll be the ONLY time you see him."
"The same critter who ripped that wall to shreds has ACCESS to my delicate bits? Ohhh shhhhit…"
"See, NOW you're getting it! Alright, to the lift."
No time for idle chatter, before Mayfield's eyes widened towards the theatre-sized screen, the imposing round table before him. In that near-drool and lustful shiver, he pictured himself giving the ultimate middle finger to the society he knew; all those plump families with their fat wallets and chunky SUVs…
"Wake up kid, here's the conference room. From Monday, you'll arrive and be seated here by 9 o'clock sharp, WITHOUT exception. Here it's just roll calls, reminders, questions and mail call as they come. And no, that screen's just for security and business purposes only."
"Damn, had hoped otherwise… But what business exactly? All I see is floor space."
Wide stare and a shake, before she answered: "Look kid, between the boss's pet projects and our lack of deliveries, I honestly believe we're one bad week from bankruptcy. Just expect the worst and prepare, okay?"
"Preparing only brought me pain, if last night meant anything. Wrong words to wax on me, ma'am."
"Then learn to, or get left behind. Past conference is the kitchen, as if you'd ever need a tour, and after that's the lounge; perhaps you could make that home. And that concludes our tour of HQ, any questions or comments?"
"Fat jokes, ma'am? When my gut grows bigger than your eye, then I'll…"
Almost like lightning, she gripped and squeezed his throat… The fears of Gods again in his face.
"You'll get a lip fatter than both, if you say that again… And we both know I can deliver."
"Gack, urk… Alright, alright, I'm sorry, dammit I'm sorry!" A cough and splutter upon her letting go. "So, what's on the agenda tomorrow?"
"That's better. Tomorrow, I'll show you inside the ship, but I WILL expect you by that table at noon sharp. Both days, NO excuses… Are we clear?"
"Loud and clear, ma'am!"
"Good, now how 'bout we get your moving sorted out?"
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A couple of cab rides and stuffed backpacks later, the sunset had sunk beneath the skies as Mayfield hauled himself out, all clothes and cash accounted for. More than ready to settle in, before the Captain got his attention.
"I trust you'll be fine setting yourself up? Not gonna hold your hand forever, after all."
"I'll figure it out, and hey, thanks again for everything… Hooroo, see you!"
The cab soon disappeared, now a twinkling star as Mayfield watched in wide-eyed grins. Was off to his new 'quarters' soon after; for the decent space, the drawers, the TV and whatnot, he'd admit to it having its share of potential.
But once he loosened the heavy bag from his shoulders, plonked down on the couch, he lost all interest in doing anything other than sleep. Those life lessons—mostly verbal, thank heavens—had left him quite wobbly and droopy-eyed.
Unfortunately though, in a case of poor choice, poor timing and poor locating, a visitor who shared close ties to Planet Express, and brief history of their newest crew member, had just arrived.
Uninvited, and under no inkling to trade pleasantries…