Written for The Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition
[Season 8] - Round 11: This seems familiar
Team: Chudley Cannons
Position: Beater 1 - [Be inspired by the title] Where Are We Going? (S5)
Prompts:
2. (dialogue) "You're the worst." / "But you love me anyway."
9. (object) Board game
13. (character) Teddy Lupin
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Thanks to my awesome beta-readers for helping out!
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TRIGGER WARNING: alcohol/alcoholic (mentioned)
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"Sirius came by yesterday," Lily said suddenly.
Remus froze with the teacup halfway to his mouth, and his heart stopped beating for a second. He hadn't seen or heard from Sirius in years. Not since everything had happened.
"Oh?" he said finally, after a few moments of awkward silence. He moved his gaze away from her, deciding to look at James playing with the kids instead.
"He came after we put the kids to sleep. We caught up, drank some tea and such. He says he's sober now."
"He has said that before."
Lily shut her mouth. Remus felt a sting in his stomach. He hated making her feel bad, but it just came out of his mouth. Remus shook his head. As much as it hurt thinking about Sirius, he needed to know why he came back. For Teddy's sake.
"I think he's legit this time," Lily eventually said. "He wants to see Teddy but wanted to make sure you were okay with it first."
Remus didn't take his eyes from the kids. Three years had gone by where Teddy had had no contact with his papa. Where Remus had had no contact with the love of his life. Something terrible could have happened, and they wouldn't have known.
Remus sighed, hiding his head in his hands. "You think it's okay for him to see Teddy?"
"Yes."
He stared at the kids again. Teddy and Harry were running away from Viola, who rode on her dad's shoulders. They were all laughing loudly. Harry and Viola were James' and Lily's kids, and they were expecting another. It had been his and Sirius' plan to adopt more kids, but that plan had been flushed down the toilet.
"I'll have to ask Teddy first, but… I'm working late tomorrow, but maybe you and Sirius could pick Teddy up after school and you could all do something together?" Remus felt ill at the thought, but he trusted Lily.
She nodded solemnly.
They sat in silence for a few moments. "I better head home too," Remus said suddenly. He stood up, hugged Lily goodbye and called Teddy.
Teddy ran towards him at full speed with his arms spread out to the sides like an aeroplane. Remus crouched down. His heart was beating fast. He didn't want to see Sirius just yet, but he knew Teddy still looked forward to the day his papa returned.
"Guess who's back in town to see you," Remus said, sounding as excited as he could muster.
"Who?" Teddy's eyes were wide.
"Your papa."
Teddy's smile was as big as if all his birthdays and Christmases had come at once. He started jumping up and down, and yelling at the top of his tiny lungs:
"Papa is back! Papa is back!"
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Remus had been staring at the road from his apartment for more than an hour now. Lily had texted Sirius, arranging the meeting. They would pick Teddy up after school, then would spend time together and Teddy would come back before dinner.
He was munching on a chocolate bar, trying to calm his nerves. He had to be okay with Sirius being around if he was going to be part of Teddy's life again. Remus would hate it if Teddy felt like his dads didn't like each other.
Finally, he spotted two figures. Remus quickly hid the bar and checked his teeth for traces of chocolate. He tried looking busy until the door opened.
His heart stopped beating as soon as his eyes found Sirius'. They were full of life, his smile wide and his leather jacket was just as it used to be. It was so familiar. The old Sirius. Before what happened. Before the drinking, the yelling and the heartbreak.
It had been so long since Remus had last seen that Sirius.
Teddy let go of Sirius' hand and ran over to hug Remus and say hello, before he took Sirius' hand again and tried dragging him to his room. Though Sirius stood still, his eyes locked with Remus'.
"Hi," Sirius said breathlessly.
Remus stayed silent.
"Papa!" Teddy yelled, not having time for his dads to catch up. "I need to show you the drawings I made!"
"Don't forget about the ones we hung in my room," Remus said quietly, not able to look Sirius in the eye. He could feel Sirius' gaze on him but firmly stared at the floor until they left.
He let out a long sigh and quickly wiped his eyes. With shaky hands, he prepared himself a cup of tea. He could hear Teddy and Sirius talking in the other room. His heart still beat fast.
Fifteen minutes later he was on his second cup of tea when Sirius came into the kitchen. Remus didn't want to be affected by Sirius' presence. He tried looking casual but had a feeling he failed miserably.
"Teddy is watching tv. I told him we need to talk for a bit if that's okay with you."
Remus nodded. He didn't know if he should be relieved Sirius was acting like his old self, or annoyed.
"I'm sorry," Sirius blurted. "I'm really sorry about the drinking, and saying those things, and abandoning you. I'm really sorry for putting you through all that. And I'm sorry I haven't kept contact with you these past few years."
Remus waited a few moments. "Okay," he finally said.
"Okay?" Sirius' eyes flickered; his smile dropped.
"What else do you want me to say?!" Remus felt all the anger and sadness which had been built up in him through the years flow over. "You abandoned me. I come home from work and all your things are gone. You have no idea what I went through after you left. Try explaining to a five-year-old why his papa left and never said goodbye!" He hastily wiped his eyes.
Sirius stood still.
"And then you just show up after three years and think everything is okay? You give that apology and think all the bad things that happened will suddenly go away?!" Remus closed his eyes, taking a few slow breaths, then looking at Sirius again. "I don't even know what happened - why you started drinking. You never told me anything!"
Sirius didn't speak at first, and both shared a long and awkward silence.
"It was Regulus." His voice was barely above a whisper.
Remus didn't say anything.
"I… I always hoped to get him away from my parents one day. But…" he wiped his eyes, "he died. The police came to me at work. I didn't know what to do and I was so scared to say it out loud. I went to his funeral, but my parents were there too. I thought I could handle it, but I left before I was even in the church."
Sirius kept rambling about how awful he felt after the funeral. Remus had noticed he was down at first, though he didn't know why, and had suggested they go out for drinks with James and Lily. Sirius discovered being drunk made him forget about what had happened. At first, he just drank a beer when he came home, then a glass of wine at dinner. But soon he felt so dependent on it, that he honestly believed he couldn't survive without drinking every day. The more he drank, the more he isolated himself.
Remus had noticed and kept trying to reach out, tried making him quit drinking. But Sirius had been so scared. He saw how much he hurt Remus and Teddy, and one day decided they would be better off without him.
The first year away, he drank even more than ever because he couldn't deal with losing his family and friends. He ended up in a treatment facility at the end of the year.
There, they helped him resolve his issues with missing Regulus and all the people he left behind, in a healthy manner. He had been sober for almost two years before he trusted himself enough to reach out to Remus and Teddy.
"Now I just… I wanna try and make it right."
Remus nodded, though he wasn't sure what to think. They stood in silence for a few minutes, perhaps waiting for the other to speak, but neither did. Remus wanted to just forgive Sirius right away, but it still hurt, and he had seen how hurt Teddy had been.
"I should probably get going," Sirius said.
"Yeah… we'll stay in touch… to discuss when you can come see Teddy again." Remus smiled carefully, wanting to seem friendly but not like everything was okay yet.
Sirius went to the living room to say goodbye to Teddy. Remus was thinking about the chocolate bar, and how he could eat it without Teddy finding out when he heard him yell.
"Don't leave, Papa!"
Remus quickly walked to the living room where Teddy was clinging to Sirius. The tv was still on, but he turned it off and sat next to them on the couch. Sirius had both his arms around Teddy, but his eyes were wide.
Remus and Teddy had had the same conversation so many times Remus had lost count. The first half-year after Sirius left, Teddy wouldn't leave Remus' side, fearing he would leave too. Remus had taken time off work the first month, but money quickly became an issue, so after that, he had brought Teddy to work with him.
"Papa is coming back tomorrow," Remus said and put a hand on his knee. He hesitated, trying to find the best way to explain. "Papa just told me, that before he left, he was very ill. But now he's healthy, and that means he won't leave again."
Teddy looked at him, though still held tightly onto Sirius. His cheeks were wet, and his eyes were red. "What if papa gets ill again?"
"I won't," Sirius said. Teddy and Remus both stared at him. "I took some… bad medicine, that made me feel good for a little while, then it made me feel worse than before, but it's tricky, because once you start, it's difficult to stop."
Teddy sniffed. "Like dad can't stop eating chocolate?"
Sirius laughed. It was almost bark-like, and it reminded Remus so much of how things used to be. He nearly forgot to be embarrassed.
"Like that," Sirius said once he calmed down. "But the important thing is that I learned to stop, and now I won't become ill again."
"So, you won't leave?" Teddy asked, his voice tiny and eyes big.
"I'll stay forever."
Teddy jumped at Sirius, wrapping his arms around him.
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The next couple of weeks, Sirius picked Teddy up after school every single day and brought him to Remus' flat. Consistency was very important when dealing with a child, and it also gradually became easier for Teddy to say goodbye to his papa.
Some days were tougher than others, and sometimes Teddy wanted to call Sirius before bed to say goodnight.
For Remus… well, things had become better. At first, he hadn't ever wanted to see Sirius again, and only initially agreed because he knew Teddy missed his papa. But now, he enjoyed Sirius' company. He even helped out around the flat.
Things had been going great until one day. Remus was already home by the time Teddy and Sirius walked through the door. And although Sirius was excellent at hiding his emotions, Remus had known him long enough to see through him. He quickly sent Teddy into the other room, then turned to Sirius.
"Is everything okay?"
Sirius stared at him, eyes wide and empty. "Yes, I mean no - yes." He shook his head. "No, it's not. I… I saw my parents, and you know I just…" Sirius gestured with his hand, trying to remember the right word. "I need to, er, call my sponsor, and I'll be right back."
Remus stared at the door as it closed behind Sirius. Immediately Teddy came running back, eyes wide and lower lip trembling
"Where's papa?!"
Remus whipped around. "He's just taking a phone call." He immediately realized what Teddy was afraid of. Then kneeled next to Teddy and put a hand on his shoulder. "He'll be right back, I promise."
Teddy wiped the few tears in his eyes away. Then made them extra big. Something Remus had noticed many times, was that Teddy could perfectly imitate Sirius' puppy eyes.
"Can we have hot cocoa?"
Remus laughed, though complied. He reached into the mug-shelf and pulled out three mugs, flicked on the kettle and went to find the cocoa-powder. He was just about to pour the powder in, when he stopped in his tracks, staring at the mugs.
Three.
With shaky hands, he filled all three cups with powder, then waited a few moments to pour the water into two of them - he didn't know how long Sirius' phone call would take.
It was weird, how easy it felt to slip right back into old habits. Sirius had been back for… what? Two weeks, and yet everything seemed normal even though it had been several years since everything was 'normal'. Sirius, Remus supposed, just had a charm which brought him in each time.
And even though the thought scared him, Remus felt that he might be ready to begin trusting Sirius again. Remus felt safe knowing he wouldn't slip back into his old habits. That he tried not to.
Remus was in so much pain when Sirius left, and after speaking to him, realized it had been difficult for Sirius too. He couldn't imagine losing Sirius again and assumed he felt the same way.
He warmed his hand on the mug, when Sirius came back in. His eyes were a bit glazy, but he appeared much more relaxed than before. Remus quickly prepared Sirius' hot cocoa, handing it over, making Sirius smile warmly at him.
It felt right - the three of them drinking hot cocoa on a random afternoon. Like a family. Remus leaned against the kitchen counter and watched Teddy and Sirius at the table. His eyes widened as a sudden idea came over him.
"Sirius, do you have any plans later?"
Sirius turned slowly, an eyebrow raised. They stared at each other for a few moments, trying to read the other's mind.
"No, I don't."
"Then, why don't you join us for family game night? You know, like the ones we used to have." Remus held his breath.
Immediately Teddy was out of his seat, hot cocoa forgotten, jumping up and down. "Yes, papa, please come!"
"Sure." Sirius smiled warmly. Teddy jumped even higher than before; the biggest smile Remus had ever seen was glued to his face. Sirius turned to Remus. "That would be fun."
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Remus pouted as team Teddy and Papa once again sent one of his Ludo-pieces back to the starting circle.
But he quickly went back to smiling. Remus couldn't recall a time Teddy had been as happy as he had been that day.
The three of them had eaten take-out while watching a movie. Then they began playing board games, and Teddy insisted on being on Sirius' team for each game. Most unfortunately for Remus, they won every time.
This was the last game of the night. Teddy and Sirius were already way ahead of him, but they still took every chance they got to send his piece back. If that wasn't enough, Teddy had also crafted a dance which he performed every time.
Though Remus smiled triumphantly as he rolled the dice and got a six. At the second roll, he got a four. Teddy took the dice, shook them in his hand for an obnoxious amount of time and got a five - just enough to send their last piece into the home triangle.
But Sirius smirked and stopped Teddy. "Look, we can send dad's piece back."
Remus glared at Sirius as Teddy executed the plan and danced his little dance.
"You're the worst."
"But you love me anyway."
Remus bit his lip, trying to stop himself from blushing. He had invited Sirius to game-night hoping he could figure out what to do now. If they should go back to how it was, ornot. He wasn't sure, yet he couldn't deny what Sirius had said.
They finished the game (Sirius and Teddy won) and Remus helped Teddy get ready for bed, luckily, he didn't put up too much of a struggle, and fell asleep fast.
Remus returned to the living room and was shocked to find it clean. He smiled as he realised Sirius did it. He found him in the kitchen, doing the dishes from the other day that Remus hadn't bothered to do himself. He walked next to him and sat on the counter.
"I think this is the first time you've ever done the dishes voluntarily."
Sirius snorted. "I've done the dishes before."
"Nah-ah," Remus said. "Every time it was your turn, you convinced me to do it by promising about all the things you'd do for me."
Sirius smiled, though quickly stopped himself and hesitated a few moments. "Does that one still work?"
They both laughed awkwardly, their cheeks turning pink. Sirius stopped what he was doing, then looked at Remus.
"But err … what about us?"
"What about all the broken happy ever afters?" Remus sang, causing Sirius to chuckle. They stared at each other for a few moments, smiling slightly.
"I always hoped… I mean, where are we going with this? Is there any way you can forgive me?"
Remus hesitated a few moments, staring at Sirius. "You weren't wrong earlier when you said that… I don't think I ever stopped loving you. I don't think I can. And although it still hurt so much that you left… I think… we can take small steps toward rebuilding our relationship."
Sirius smiled, filling Remus with warmth. Although it would take time before everything was okay again, he didn't have a single doubt that this was the right decision.
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Word count: 2996