Chapter Eight: Flash! Bang! Wallop!
[scene shows a blue background as the white letter "Total", "Drama", and "Encore" flash up on it, followed by the word "Aftermath" underneath "Encore". It then shows a montage of the eliminated contestants in the order of which they booted off the show. Huckleberry and Snagglepuss embracing each in the city of Paris before their respective elimination. It then shows Katie having to put up with Colleen and Minerva before her unfortunate elimination]
[cue theme song, the episode continues]
[scene shows a blue background as the white letter "Total", "Drama", and "Encore" flash up on it, followed by the word "Aftermath" underneath "Encore". It then cuts to a large stage with Fox and Wolf standing in the middle of the stage while the peanut gallery containing all the contestants from the previous seasons, including the helpers, are seen to the right of the stage as the audience cheers. This time, however, the peanut gallery each has a telephone at their seat]
Wolf: Good evening, I'm Wolf and this is my co-host, Fox!
Fox: And we're coming to you live because we need your help to raise money for a seriously worthy cause!
Wolf: I know what you're thinking: "just what the hell are you talking about?"
Fox: [clears throat] Language.
Wolf: [rolls his good eye] As I was saying, it all stems from the last episode where the plane crash landed near Area 51.
Fox: A true tragedy, one that could have been avoided if only they had had more gas.
Wolf: But our ever so wonderful host had blown the show's budget on decorating his personal quarters...cheap bastard.
Fox: Wolf, I said-
Wolf: This ain't PG, you know!
Fox: Back on topic, unless we raise more money for fuel, our friends could be stranded in Area 51...forever!
Wolf: Which is why tonight, we're bringing you this emergency fundraiser from the Total Drama Telethon!
Fox: The phone lines are open, so please, for the love of Total Drama, call now and donate!
Wolf: Because if you don't...we're pretty much screwed.
Blaineley: That's right, you need to give us $500,000 in the next half hour. Hi, I'm Blaineley Stacey Andrews O'Halloran, and I'm your co-host for this fundraiser! I'll keep you posted on the total as your calls and your cash pour in, this is the number! [below her, the text 1-800-555-5555 reads] Call now, we have a lot to unravel tonight! If you get a busy signal, keep trying, you'll get through eventually!
[silence breaks throughout the studio as no rings are heard]
Anne Maria: Um, ain't these things supposed to be ringing or somethin'?
Sugar: Well, can't see why they'd be ringin' fer you when they should be ringin' fer me!
Noah: [picks up his phone] Hello? Oh, it's you, Sugar. It's the National Pageant Association, they want their trophies back. [hangs up the phone]
Sugar: Well, I never!
Lindsay: Whoa, how did you do that? Does your phone have a ring that only you can hear?
Noah: Yes, I heard it with my magical ears.
Lindsay: [gasps] You have magical ears?! I never knew that!
Courtney: [rolls her eyes] Yes, neither did we. But, on a more serious note, none of the phones are ringing.
Holly: Oh, of course these things aren't working! This is such primitive technology, it speaks volumes of your civilization!
Top Cat: Hey, lady, mind shutting ya' mouth for once?
Holly: Why you little-
Hokey: Aaaah, shut up!
Dawn: Oh, the poor unfortunate souls who will undoubtedly have to fend for themselves as Mother Nature slowly but surely does the deed with them…
Wolf: [clears his throat] What she said...essentially, if you don't start donating, and pronto, we're all gonna get canned.
Blaineley: Our goal tonight is $500,000 and thanks to your donations, we've raised a grand total of…
[the large screen shows that money total is…$0]
Blaineley: Nothing?!
Wolf: Oh, come on!
Heather: Seriously?! Do you want us to be out of a job?!
Fox: [clears his throat] Shall we introduce our first guest to the stage?
Wolf: Well, I suppose it's worth a shot. On tonight's show, we've got a special guest star to introduce to the stage! He's all in green, foxy as can be, is an expert at the bow and arrow, and is actually one of the new contestants for the next season of Total Drama...if that ever happens, that is. Also, an aspect I'm sure all you horndogs out there are eager for, no pants!
Fox: Um, maybe we should try and cut it down on the horniness, Wolf?
Wolf: C'mon, I know you secretly have a thing for Robin. Can't say I blame you, that guy is as smooth as butter.
Fox: [blushes] I do not, thank you very-[feels a breeze from above him as the English fox in question swoops down on a cable and lands on the couch next to the two hosts]
Robin: Well, I say, Tis an honor to be on this show, gentlemen. [takes a courteous bow] Although, it's quite ironic I wasn't the first character of my series to be put into this competition.
Wolf: Ah, yes. We had ol' Princey back in our All Stars season. Though not too surprised on how soon he got the boot. [chuckles] I mean, look at this "MOMMY!"
Prince John: I was robbed, you undignified swine!
Wolf: Let's not forget how I sucker punched you in the face, princess. Buuuuut, you might get lucky in a future season...maybe...
Fox: [giggles shyly] Hehehe, hi Robin... uumm... sooo what are you looking forward to in this competition?
Robin: Well, I'm looking forward to the sport, my dear Fox. For what it's worth, this show really knows how to test one's athleticism, so I wanted to put myself to the test by seeing if I could conquer whatever task this show throws at me.
Fox: [whispering in awe] He called me dear Fox…[normal tone]...weeell I'm sure you'll do fantastic!
Wolf: I mean, with that agile body, no doubt you'd be one hell of a competitor. I mean, lookit dis guy.
Fox: [softly] May I...have an autograph, please…?
Robin: But of course, ma' dear. Where shall I sign?
Fox: [pulls out a picture of Robin with a kiss mark on it] I...may have...you know…
Wolf: Awwwwwww, looks like we've got a little crush in the house.
Top Cat: Hehe, I bet you anything he'd want to kiss that arrow. [struggles to conceal his snickering]
Robin: [takes the picture with a warm smile] There we go, ma' dear. [uses the finger in his hat as a pen to sign the picture and hands it back to Fox]
Fox: [outright swoons into Wolf's arms with a delightful shudder]
Wolf: Hehehe, my, my, my, looks like you're a popular one, Robin. I tell you though, you've got the body to outclass any of them hoes that are still on the plane.
Robin: Quite the compliment, coming from such a handsome rogue such as yourself~
Wolf: Ooooooooh, kinky~ I wouldn't mind having two foxes to star alongside me for this show. We can be a threeway of the hosts.
Robin: Ohhhh, I'd love to, darling. [looks at Fox] As long as this adorable little fellow approves of such a proposition~
Fox: Oooooooooh, I do…[swoons again]
Wolf: Well, looks like we've got another co-host on this show. [takes Robin's hand for him to sit down next to him]
Robin: Thank you, dear~ [clicks his tongue and winks at the two canines]
Fox: [clears his throat] How much money have we earned?
Blaineley: Well, checking up on the screen, we've reached a total of…
[the large screen shows a total of $30,000]
Blaineley: $30,000!
Robin: Ah, we appreciate the support out there, darlings~
[the peanut gallery continues to answer their respective telephones as the calls keep coming in]
Wolf: Well, while we get associated with one another, time to introduce our eliminated contestants to the stage. The first two have come out as a duo from their newfound intimacy; Huckleberry Hound and Snagglepuss!
[the blue hound and the pink mountain lion walk out onto the stage holding hands to a chorus of applause]
Lila: Boo! Get off the stage, traitor!
Jasper: Oh, shut your face! [punches Lila in the snout]
Snagglepuss: Heavens to Murgatroyd, tis an honor to grace the stage with yours truly and his equally gracious partner!
Huckleberry: It's too bad we couldn't make it further, but we're just happy we're in this together. [kisses Snag on the cheek]
Wolf: I remember watching the song you two sang in Paris. A real treasure of romance...even if it did ultimately lead to Huck getting the boot. And then Snag sings his song about missing Huck in the next episode. Ooooh, the vibes, man.
Huckleberry: Aww, you're too kind.
Wolf: You know, you two have been seen together quite a lot in the past. On quite a lot of your adventures back when you guys were like the HB crew, you two were quite close to one another, rarely being seen without the other.
Fox: Indeed, rumors of you both being gay had been out for years before you came out.
Snagglepuss: Well, I was always leaning more onto the side of males for a while now. It took a little more time for Huck to come to terms with it, but with a bit of help from me, he soon grew comfortable with it. I guess that's why me and him were seen so often together, the only true exception being the Laff a Lympics, but truth be told, I would have loved competing alongside him on the Yogi Yahooeys.
Huckleberry: Not to mention my own movie, the Good, the Bad and the Huckleberry. It was all just for the story, of course. She was nice but... she did look like she could be my sister, but yellow.
Wolf: Or even genderswapped. [chuckles] Speaking of which, Snag clearly made the right choice not to tie the knot with his female counterpart who's name I shall not mention.
Lila: SAY MY NAME!
Jinks: How about no?
Lila: ARGH!
Wolf: Talk about a bitter bitch. How much do we now have on the scale?
Blaineley: Well, after examining the results and the amount of calls, our total has risen up to…
[the large screen shows a total of $120,000]
Blaineley: $120,000!
Fox: That's at least more than a fifth of what we need!
Robin: Indeed, at this rate, we should have all the money we need soon enough.
Wolf: Things are starting to look up for us, but will it be enough? Find out when we return on the Total Drama Aftermath!
[the white letters against the blue background shine to cut away, the episode continues with the letters flashing again]
Wolf: We're back and in the meantime, our total of money has raised up to $250,000! That's roughly half of what's needed to make sure we don't lose our jobs and that the folks in the plane get a ride back in the air! But back to you two, at least you didn't get eliminated at the hands of the alpha bitches. You got out just before Team Fantasy became merged into Teams Fantasy and Mink.
Snagglepuss: Oh yes, I dare say we dodged a bullet on that…[cringes]
Wolf: Yep, unfortunately, that couldn't be said for our next guest who got taken out at the hands of Minvera through a little blackmail at your comrade, Loopy de Loop.
[the screen above showed Minvera confronting Loopy, the French Canadian wolf looking apprehensive at Katie's and Minvera's passports and then Katie being pulled out of the plane and falling down to the ground]
Huckleberry: Golly, these shows are mighty more... dramatic than a lot of the work we used to do.
Wolf: Well, given the nature of our host, the more dramatic something is, "the higher the ratings", as he would say. Hence why we've had to be put through life endangering challenges at the sake of his entertainment.
Hokey: He almost left us for dead on Pahkitew!
Fox: How is that man still able to get away with all this?
Wolf: No doubt he uses his fame and fortune as a buffer to get him out of any situation that might incriminate him. I bet you anything that if that island had actually blown up, he wouldn't have given two shits and just been 'oop, time to find a new group of victims to torture'. I mean, the guy got away with mutating contestants and trapping them in mines, so I guess he's got no moral compass.
Cindy: Poor Ezekiel and Dakota. They didn't deserve to be treated like that.
Scarlett: Not to mention what he did featuring the remains of Fox's father.
Courtney: Okay, that is totally stepping over the line! Not only did he do it once, he did it twice! First a skeleton and then a simulation?! He might as well show off a sign saying 'I find death funny'.
Fox: [hugs his legs tightly and whimpers]
Wolf: [puts an arm around the vulpine] Not to mention how that sick bastard tried to poison us with those..."Juggy Chunks". [shudders in disgust]
Hokey: Expired meats, eggs and mayonnaise from 1976...are you actually serious? [holds in a wretch] I remember when we all had to get our stomachs pumped.
Robin: Truly an awful experience, I can imagine.
Katz: I very much doubt he'll be continuing this on for long, and I believe it will be oh so satisfying to see him fall.
Wolf: You aren't scared of what could happen, Rob?
Robin: Tis nothing to fear as if I can take on entire armies with my bare hands and weaponry, a simple game show shouldn't be anything I can't handle.
Fox: Ohh, what a man. Oh, shall we bring in our next eliminated contestant?
Wolf: Indeed, next up onto the stage, the other half of the sweet girl duo, she fought long and hard, but ending up getting one of the most painful eliminations, please welcome forth...Katie!
[the skinny girl walks up onto the stage to the crowd's cheering]
Sadie: Katie!
Katie: Sadie!
Katie and Sadie: EEEEEEEEEE!
Wolfrun: [sarcastically] Well, good to know they haven't lost their touch.
Drago: My ears…[cringes]
Katie and Sadie: [sheepishly] Hehehe, sorry about that.
Katie: But yeah, it's sooooo great to be back with my gal pal, kinda wish I didn't get kicked so...unceremoniously…
Top Cat: Bitch squad drop ya'?
Katie: Like you bet they did. After essentially being treated like a pet in her little clink, I wanted to take a stand and show her what for. So when we got Eva added to our team, I managed to convince her to vote alongside me, and I tried to convince Loopy to do the same, but I guess Minvera got to him...
Hokey: [groans] Why do I feel like Loopy's gonna be next on her chop block once he's no longer useful to her?
Sadie: Like, I wouldn't put it past her. After all, she got rid of me because I didn't fit in her clink because apparently 'oh, I'm hot, Colleen is hot, and Katie could be made hot, but I need to get rid of lumpkins'.
Katie: Those two are such bitches.
Sadie: Like total bitches.
Katie: I'm so glad I'm not around them and back with my bestie.
Sadie: Awww, same here, sweetie.
Katie: In fact, I'd like to sing a little tune to really emphasize the point of how I can't stand those two. [snaps her fingers as the lights dim and the spotlight shines on her]
[a classical tune starts to play]
Katie: My tale has been told, my story is done, goodness has lost, and evil has won.
Will she mend her ways? Shall she be as good as gold? Or shall she stay wicked? In her eyes, wicked is much more fun...
She's mad, bad and dangerous, yes she's horrid through and through!
Courtney, Izzy, Lindsay, and Sadie: She's mad, bad and dangerous!
Katie: She can't be any other way, she can't try something new
Has she ever thought of being good? She could if she would
But as she would say "wickedness is simply what I do"
And she does it with flair, yes she does it with style, it takes a lot of practice to get to be so vile!
She's as manipulative as a Mink could be, yes she's mad, bad and dangerous!
That's her!
Courtney, Izzy, Lindsay, and Sadie: She does it with flair, she does it with style!
Katie: It takes a lot of practice to get to be so vile!
She's taken wickedness as far as wickedness can go!
She's mad, bad and dangerous...to know!
Courtney, Izzy, Lindsay, and Sadie: She does it with flair, she does it with style!
It takes a lot of practice to get to be so vile!
She's taken wickedness as far as wickedness can go!
Courtney, Izzy, Katie, Lindsay, and Sadie: She's mad, bad and dangerous...to know!
[the audience cheers as the song ends]
Blaineley: Well, folks, it seems Katie's song has tallied up our total to…
[the large screen shows a total of $370,000]
Blaineley: $370,000! We're so close!
Izzy: Oh, I know how to get it up all the way! [produces a bomb from behind her] Who wants to see me try to deactivate this bomb?!
Fox: Um, are you sure that's a good idea?!
Izzy: Relax, I've handled bombs before...[sets the bomb down]...you see, a common misconception is that you have to disable a bomb by clipping the wires. As for me...I USE A HAMMER! [produces a hammer and is about to take a swing]
Wolf: HIT THE DECK!
[Izzy strikes the bomb, coating the stage in a cloud of smoke. Upon lifting, the stage is in a complete mess with members of the peanut gallery scattered all around]
Izzy: HAHAHAHAHA, THAT WAS FUN!
Heather: [pulling herself up] Izzy...you...psycho...hosebeast…[groans as she falls back to the ground]
Wolf: [groans] Can somebody tell us...if we reached our goal…
Blaineley: [picks herself up] Oooooooh...the final total reads…$500,000...hooray! [falls to the ground dazed]
Wolf: Well...it looks like we're not gonna lose our jobs and the TD crew is gonna be alright!
Fox: [groans] Wolf...could you carry me out of here…?
Wolf: It'd be my pleasure…[groans]...once I regain my strength...until next time, this has been the Total Drama Aftermath…
[the white letters against the blue background shine as the episode ends]