Chapter Thirteen: All Aboard the Hype Train
[scene shows a blue background as the white letter "Total", "Drama", and "Encore" flash up on it, followed by the word "Aftermath" underneath "Encore". It then shows a montage of the eliminated contestants in the order of which they booted off the show. Sierra being her typical fangirl self, Colleen being bossy, Loopy and Bridgette getting themselves into all sorts of mishaps, and finally, Ella and Tramp engaging in romantic acts with their partners before being shoved off the plane from the previous episode]
[cue theme song, the episode continues]
[scene shows a blue background as the white letter "Total", "Drama", and "Encore" flash up on it, followed by the word "Aftermath" underneath "Encore". It then cuts to a beach with Fox, Wolf, and Robin sitting on a couch in the middle while the peanut gallery containing all the contestants from the previous seasons, including the helpers, are seen to both the left and right as the audience cheers]
Wolf: Ahola from Hawaii, welcome to the Total Drama Aftermath! I'm your host, Wolf O'Donnell, here with my co-hosts, Fox McCloud and Robin Hood! After traveling all around the world this season, we had to wrap it up with a big shot of paradise! And between you and me, it's truly been paradise seeing Fox in a hula ski-
Fox: Ahem, we're just an episode away from declaring this season's million-dollar winner, and here's where it's gonna go down!
Robin: On today's aftermath, we have some special activities planned to get all those eager fans ready and excited for the big finale, but first, let's say hello to the contestants who have left the show and are joining us here today!
Wolf: First up, she's Total Drama's number one blogger, website updater, dirt disher, please welcome...Sierra!
[the hyper fangirl walks into view from the left, barely able to contain her excitement]
Sierra: Hehe, thank you, thank you! OMG, I love you all!
Fox: Well, Sierra, it's nice to see you here, how's our favorite ace reporter?
Sierra: It's going great actually, I recently submitted a poll on the Total Drama fansite to see which couples were among the favorite by fans of the show, and you'll be happy to know that Wolfox is one of the top-rated ships in the votes! EEEEEE!
Fox: [blushes] Oh...w-well, I-
Wolf: It seems the fans have good taste, excellent work to all of you out there. [winks]
Sierra: And here's another thing, for this season, Truster is now one of the most popular pairings in the polls, there's a whole fanbase out there dedicated to Truster! On the other side of things, we have encountered a slight spot of bother with some of the hardcore Lady and the Tramp fans.
Fox: And what would that entail?
Sierra: Oh, some people saying that Tramp and Buster shouldn't be a couple because they're both guys and Tramp should only be with Lady. Others saying that Buster is a sexual predator who doesn't deserve love, some even making the assumption that he's also...um...into minors…
Wolf: So, because he just so happened to have a little girl at this place who wasn't particularly intimidated by him, that means he's into kids? What kind of logic is that? Because he called her "his girl"? Where's the evidence that he actually did anything intimate with her?
Sierra: That's just it, I looked further into the matters and didn't find a shred of evidence that suggested Buster touched her in that sort of manner. Pfft, I think some people are just being bitter for the fun of it.
Lila: Well, if you ask me, I happen to agree with them! That guy is nothin' but a dirty, slimy mutt who probably just wants to get his member wet!
Wolf: Alright, basic bitch, tell me, where did you see any sort of that activity occurring?
Lila: You can tell just by lookin' at him and hearin' the way he talks. He's got "sexual predator" written all over him.
Snagglepuss: And you have "abusive control freak" written all over you.
Lila: You shut your mouth, you backstabbing carpet!
Huckleberry: Hey, you watch yer' tongue there, missy!
Colleen: [off-screen] Why should she? She's got every right to say what she wants!
Wolf: [under his breath] Oh, God, not this again...
Fox: [clears his throat awkwardly] Um, Colleen, everyone...yeah…
[the English collie appears from the left and walks up to the center between the two peanut galleries]
Colleen: Thank you, [shoves Sierra out of the way] oh, get outta my way, fujoshi freak.
Sierra: Hey, no need to act all Miss Bossypants on me!
Colleen: Whatever, pleb, anyways, I happen to agree with the sentiment that Buster's a bloody nounce. After all, I would know, I've had to deal with one pervert already.
Blitz: 'Vat?! You lying wench! All I did was flirt with you and you responded by bashing me into 'valls for your own sadistic pleasure!
Colleen: Well, you deserved it for knowing full well that I was with Hunter.
Blitz: You and Hunter 'vere neva' a thing to begin with. You 'vould flirt with him and every single time, he would brush you off. Maybe that should give you a clue 'zat he is not interested in you!
Colleen: Are you asking for another beatdown? Because I will have no problem givin' it to you, Blister!
Panther: You lay a finger on him and you deal with me.
Colleen: Oh, how charming. The little perv has to hide behind his equally as guilty bum buddy.
Panther: Funny, I don't suppose you have any evidence to support the claim that I'm as much a predator as you claim that I am?
Colleen: Your whole gook with Krystal is pure evidence of that.
Panther: Really? Because I don't ever recall saying that Krystal was meant to be mine, all I did was harmlessly flirt with her and she turned me down. As much as my love is genuine, I wouldn't stoop so low as to force a woman to be with me, especially since I grew out of that phase after being taken advantage of women that reminded me of you.
Wolf: I can vouch for him, had this one slut who tried to act all sappy towards him, then faked abuse to get dirt on Panther. Luckily I was there to help him out of that jam, even when he could hold off the jackass that came to that little bitch's defense.
Panther: Indeed, and I thank you for that, Wolf. Now, if you don't mind, I'd prefer it if you just backed off and left me and my partner alone. [pulls Blitz close to him]
Colleen: Ugh, whatever, I don't need to take this.
Sierra: You can bet that when I get to your profile on the Total Drama website, I'm gonna have some very choice words to say.
Colleen: Oh, like anyone would believe whatever nonsense that spews out of your mouth.
Top Cat: Listen here, sweetheart. You've had it easy for a long time now, but here, you ain't gettin' off scott-free.
Hokey: You might think that just because you got a decent rack and an attitude that'll make the horndogs wet that you can act just as you please, but this right here is all unfiltered so that we can see who ya' really are; a no-good, abusive little bitch.
Cindy: We've seen your actions on the big screen and it is truly shameful with the way you present yourself.
Rarity: You might be nice to look at, darling, but all that glitters is not gold. That's your only quality, you're just nice to look at, the rest of you is horrid, not worth a second glance. Beauty is only skin deep when it comes to the likes of you and Minerva.
Courtney: Not to mention, why do you even bother going after Hunter when first of all, he is clearly not into you, and second of all, you regularly get tired of his antics anyways. There's an obvious disconnect going on here.
Scarlett: The most logical conclusion that I can draw from this is because it's out of an act of desperation.
Colleen: Oi, I can get Hunter to fall for me, I just need to knock some sense into him so that he'll get the full picture.
Scarlett: Going by your logic, you would keep trying to pass yourself on Hunter until most likely you would have to physically force yourself onto him because at the rate Hunter's thought process goes at, you're not going to have a high probability of being in a relationship with him.
Colleen: What?! That's a false estimate and you know it!
Scarlett: [raises an unamused brow] If my estimate is false, then I'm sure you'll have no trouble getting Hunter to fall for you in the next two weeks, a week if you're lucky, but I wouldn't hold your breath on that.
Colleen: Hey, I just...you're so...ugh!
Heather: Would you just sit down and stop being a pain in the ass?
Gwen: Neither thought I'd say this, but I agree with her.
Wolf: I second the notion because we have several more contestants to introduce and you're hogging the spotlight, so step aside.
Colleen: Hmph! [grumpily sits down next to Courtney and Heather who shift slightly away from her]
Izzy: Soooooo, seeing as you're in the company of three sexy studs, mind giving a few details of what they do in their spare time?
Lindsay: Oh, do they play around with a ball like fetch?!
Colleen: Aaaaaaaaaargh!
Robin: Well, after that...spectacle, I believe it's time we introduced our next batch of contestants.
Fox: [clears throat awkwardly] Um, yes, from the post-merge section of the game, we welcome Loopy, Bridgette, Ella, and Tramp!
[the aforementioned quartet enter from the left to a chorus of applause]
Hokey: Loopy, baby!
Loopy: Hokey, mon amour! [runs up into the light brown wolf's lap] I have missed you dearly~
Hokey: Same could be said from me to you, sweetcheeks~ [pulls the dark brown lupine into a kiss] By the way, I gotta give you credit for getting rid of the collie before the merge. Really made me feel all...tingly inside~
Loopy: [chuckles] Why thank you, mon cher~ Even I didn't win 'ze grand prize, at least I already have a prize of my own~
Fox: Well, I can see that we've got Loopy covered, but how about the rest of you?
Bridgette: Personally, I'm proud of how I did this season, probably the best I've done in a while.
Wolf: You know, that was a noble sacrifice the two of you did. You inadvertently gave Minerva a huge disadvantage by letting two allies slip through her grasp. Even if she did win the challenge...and the next one, at least we can sleep soundly at night knowing that Buster and Eva are after her blood.
Fox: You know, this must have been an interesting journey for you, Tramp. Who'd have thought that you and Buster would get back together, let alone become a couple?
Tramp: Well, I suppose fate works in mysterious ways, ways that actually help make me feel more comfortable with my inner desires.
Wolf: You know, going back to you and Buster being a thing, I've gotta hit you two up sometime. Perhaps we do a double date between you guys with me and Fox.
Fox: [blushes] Oh, you just have to be all chivalrous, don't you?
Ella: Well, I think it's a lovely idea. Especially when we get to pick outfits. I bet I could make Tramp look like a princess out of a fairytale!
Tramp: [blushes] Hehe, yeah…
Robin: Oh, don't be so modest, darling, I think you would look rather fetching in a dress.
Ella: Don't be shy, sweetheart. You have my word that I will never judge you for your personal tastes. After all, we were all made to fill our own destinies and yours happens to be one I wholeheartedly accept.
Tramp: Awww...you guys…
Lila: Pah, dresses aren't meant to be worn by men, especially the spineless ones.
Ella: Well, I say, that's rather rude.
Lila: It's the truth, Snow White. I don't care what goes on in that fairytale head of yours, I live in the real world.
Wolf: You also live in the world that entails men to obey your every command like some sick dictator. "Real world" my ass.
Lila: Oh, yeah? Well, here's somethin' else you should know; I should be in the final three! I'd make a much betta' candidate than the gangster from the hood and the hunchback of notre dame.
Ella: [gasps] That's a horrible thing to say!
Bridgette: Hey, if anyone doesn't deserve to be in the finals, it's you! You're one of the most disgusting people I've ever had the displeasure of knowing!
Snagglepuss: Ain't it the truth!
Huckleberry: I don't understand how you can talk all high and mighty about yourself when you act like a spoiled lil' brat.
Lila: Oh, like you can talk! Unlike you, I should have been part of the finals since the beginnin'!
Jo: Let me put this into words that I'm sure you'll understand; you are a loser! Deal with it!
Lila: Hmph! Well at least I look the part.
Jo: I wouldn't be caught dead looking like you. All those girly ribbons and head bows, ugh!
Ella: I do hope that Eva will be alright coming here. I'll be mortified if something bad happens to her along the way.
Tramp: I also hope that if they do get here, Buster won't be beaten by that ugly witch known as Minerva.
Wolf: I'm putting my money on him showing that bitch what for. There's no way in hell that mink's gettin' to the final two. Not on my watch.
Fox: Well, in the meantime, we're going to get everything sorted for the next part of the aftermath, but don't go ahead as more lies in store for when we return!
[the white letters against the blue background shine to cut away, the episode continues with the letters flashing again]
Wolf: Welcome back to the Total Drama Aftermath and we're about to crank things up a notch to really pump up the fans' excitement for the final three showdown!
[scene cuts to the peanut gallery along with the hosts standing near a waterfall]
Fox: So peanut gallery, have you missed competing? Because you're going to competing to help your favorite final three contestants win!
[the TV screen shows the three final contestants in a slideshow, Buster first, then Eva, then Minerva]
Lila: Well, I certainly know who I'm supporting.
Top Cat: Right, ask us if we care.
Wolf: Alright, here's how it's gonna work, you've all been split into three teams, ones that support Buster, ones that support Eva, and ones that support...Minerva. Now, here's how it goes; players have to race to the top of the cliff and snag one of the traditional Hawaiian lays from Lono; the Hawaiian God of prosperity and sporting events, then grab a board and take it back down the stream. Oh, and when you get to the bottom, watch out for a little lava spray.
Fox: Whoever lays their team's post at the bottom of the lagoon will win a major advantage for their finalist. Second place will earn a modest advantage.
Wolf: And last place gets squat, which is gonna make the final challenge pretty impossible for their person assuming they even get that far.
Robin: [with his hat off] But first, we need to find out who's going to surf for their respective finalist...with a raffle. [pulls a strip of paper out of the hat] For Team Eva, we have...Bridgette!
Bridgette: [fist pumps] Yes! I totally got this in the bag!
Robin: [pulls another name from the hat] Next up for Team Buster, we have...Loopy!
Loopy: [gulps] Are you sure this is safe?
Robin: I can assure you have no possible chance of acutal death. And lastly, for Team Minerva, we have…[pulls another name from the hat]...Lila!
Lila: Prepare to eat dirt, losers!
Jinks: Like, uh, you could use some in your mouth.
Lila: Why you little-
Wolf: And...GO!
[the three ex-contestants rush off toward the other cliffface]
Loopy: [reaches the top first and picks out a lay] Oui, la victoire est-
Lila: [snags the lay from Loopy] Snooze, ya lose, buc-
Bridgette: [snags the lay from Lila] Sorry...but not really!
[Ding, Ding!]
Lila: Oh, come on! We have to sing through this schtick?
Wolf: Unless you wanna get disqualified, you'd better put those vocal chords to good use for once!
[Lila groans as the music starts]
Bridgette: Rockin' it Hawaii style!
Surfing down this magic mile!
Hoping I don't get burned by,
The lava that's a-flyin'!
Loopy: One last chance to prove my might.
That's what keeps me up at night!
Why else would I have been chosen,
For something death-defying?
Bridgette: I'm winning for real!
Loopy: Yeah, yeah!
I'm winning this deal!
Bridgette: Yeah, yeah!
I'm a surfing genie!
Loopy: Yeah, yeah!
I'm winning, you'll see!
Bridgette: Yeah, yeah!
Lila: I'm the best that there ever was,
They're all jealous because
I'm the queen...
...of Minerva's team! So!
I'll show 'em I'm a winner!
Bridgette: I'm winning for Eva!
Chorus: Yeah, yeah!
Bridgette: So that I can show ya'.
Chorus: Yeah, yeah!
Loopy: I'm winning for Buster!
Chorus: Yeah, yeah!
Loopy: Showing Hokey...
I'm a hustler!
(lava starts shooting from the sky)
Bridgette: Ah! Ah! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! D'ah!
Loopy: Ow! No fair!
Lila: This is messed up, it's true!
I swear, I'll sue!
Loopy: Step aside, let me through!
Chorus: Yeah, yeah!
Bridgette: I'm still coming for you,
Chorus: Yeah, yeah!
Bridgette: Oh, I'm winning this time!
Chorus: Yeah, yeah!
Lila: Outta the way, it's mine!
Chorus: Yeah, yeah!
Loopy: Sorry if I cut in line.
Chorus: Yeah, yeah!
Bridgette, Lila, and Loopy: Oh, I'm winning this time! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
[as the three race off the waterfall before the end of the lagoon, the first person to reach their finalist's post is…]
Loopy: Je l'ai fait!
Wolf: He's done it! Loopy is the first one to reach his post! Meaning Buster gets the major advantage!
Fox: For coming in second, Bridgette wins Eva the medium advantage!
Bridgette: Well, I suppose it was a close race.
Robin: And for coming in last, Lila wins Minerva...nothing!
Lila: ARGH! This game is rigged, I tell you! Rigged!
Wolf: Well, looks like Minerva's gonna have a hell of a hard time in the finale without an advantage...not like she deserved one to begin with.
Fox: The question still remains; who will ultimately be the one who will take home the grand prize?
Robin: You'll have to tune in next time to find out about that!
Wolf: Right here on the Total Drama Aftermath!
[the white letters against the blue background shine as the episode ends]