The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has been wandering around for a while. I'm assuming the gang spent some time in California before trekking back to New York. This is just from my deranged imagination.
Say Goodbye To Hollywood
"I can't believe we're spies again," Ray said to Pam, Krieger, and Cheryl while in the bullpen.
"I can't believe the government is so desperate to take us back," Pam remarked. "But this time I'm going to be a full-time agent! Whoo hoo! I'm gonna get me some spy perks!"
"Good luck with that," Cyril sighed as he walked in holding a letter. Which he threw in the trash. "Getting any perks from Ms. Archer's bony hands will be a feat in itself."
"What's that?" Ray pointed.
"Oh, it's just another letter from the neighborhood association," Cyril sighed. "You remember those fines I was supposed to pay?"
"You didn't pay them, did you?" Ray sighed.
"Honestly, I thought that would be a waste of money," Cyril shrugged. "Considering we may not be in business by the end of the year."
"Man has a point," Pam nodded.
"The good news is," Cyril read. "We have at least six months before they can legally sue us. And even if they do it will be a while before this goes to court."
"What's the bad news?" Ray asked.
Cyril told him. "Some of the committee may come over to our office within the next few days to strongly ask for the money we owe them. With pitchforks and torches."
Pam shrugged. "We can take 'em!"
"So, we should probably stock up on ammo?" Krieger asked.
"That would be prudent," Cyril sighed. "Where's Lana?"
"Over there!" Cheryl pointed as Lana stormed in.
"Lana you're late," Cyril said.
"Shove it, Cyril!" Lana snapped. "You're not my damn supervisor!"
"My catchphrase is taking off!" Cheryl cheered.
"Lana what happened?" Ray asked. "Where were you?"
"County Day," Lana told him. "Getting my ears figuratively chewed off!"
"What happened?" Cyril asked. "Is AJ okay?"
"She's fine for now," Lana groaned. "But the chances of her getting into Harvard just plummeted to the bottom of the Marianas Trench!"
"What happened?" Pam asked.
"Remember a week ago when you all showed up to AJ's preschool graduation ceremony completely plastered?" Lana asked. "And then dumped Mistake Juice into the punchbowl and got half the adults in the building drunk?"
"Yeah," Cheryl giggled. "That was fun!"
"This does not sound good," Ray winced.
"Oh, it's good all right," Lana said sarcastically. "Short version: you idiots are responsible for five affairs, three new divorces, four fender benders in the parking lot, three separate fist fights, a charge of public nudity, and three separate charges of vandalism and destruction of school property. Including that huge SPLOOSH Pam spray painted in the hallway!"
"That could have been anyone," Pam whistled innocently.
"I saw you finish writing it!" Lana snapped. "Right before Cheryl set a wastebasket on fire!"
"I helped put it out!" Krieger volunteered.
"By pissing on it!" Lana snapped.
"I couldn't find the little boy's room," Krieger admitted.
"You found the PA system and pretended you were a DJ!" Lana snapped.
"I always thought I had a good voice for radio," Krieger admitted.
"Do you have any idea how embarrassed I was when I was called into the Principal's Office?" Lana snapped. "With the new superintendent and half the school board there! The half that didn't get drunk!"
"What? It's not like they can give you detention," Cheryl waved. "Wait, can they?"
"The good news is that we are not being prosecuted and AJ can keep her diploma," Lana groaned. "The bad news is that I had to voluntarily pull AJ out of County Day. All that time, energy and money went down the drain for nothing!"
"I wouldn't say that," Ray pointed out. "AJ is a smart kid. She picked up a lot at that school. You just have to find another one."
"If I can find one," Lana groaned. "Once word gets out about me being blackballed twice from County Day, no other decent school will even look at AJ."
"Yeah well, she's not alone," Cyril sighed as he waved some papers he took off another table. "In addition to more fines from the neighborhood association, the Figgis Agency got blacklisted from the California Detectives Business Association."
"But didn't we just…?" Pam began.
"Yes, but we also caused a lot of fights and riots!" Cyril groaned. "And they mentioned that the local arson squad has noticed an unusual number of fires started on Tunt properties and investigated by us since we got here!"
Everyone looked at Cheryl. "What?" Cheryl asked. "It's not like they didn't figure out all those other fires I started."
"She's the Highway 87 Arsonist," Pam explained. "You know, the one who's been torching all those men's rooms at the gas stations?"
"Not all of that is me!" Cheryl snapped. "I only did five out of the fifteen! All those others were copycats!"
"In addition," Cyril sighed. "The LA Business Center Incident, The Double Indecency Incident, all the HOOF Incidents and a whole bunch of other incidents have pretty much made our name mud among a lot of powerful people."
"What's left of them," Pam snorted. "You know? Long Water?"
"Thank God nobody figured out our connection with that," Ray sighed.
"We are connected with that!" Cyril snapped. "Even if they don't know the whole story about the murder/suicide the whole Veronica Deane thing has marked our agency with it!"
"Let's not forget we're banned from half the places in town," Ray groaned.
"And it only took a year," Cyril groaned. "That's a record for us."
"Well we're spies again," Pam said. "So that whole detective thing is moot anyway."
"But we're still banned from several places!" Lana snapped. "Including County Day! And our name is lower than mud on this street!"
"Forget this street," Ray groaned. "After all the stunts we pulled, the entire city hates our guts! Especially with all those pink papers we keep throwing around."
"Oh right," Pam realized. "We got another citation for extreme littering."
"Extreme littering?" Lana asked. "That's a thing?"
"In our case, yes," Pam admitted. "Usually they save that for big corporations who dump toxic waste on the environment…"
"Between Krieger's experiments and your bowel movements I think we have that covered," Cyril groaned.
"My parents are going to kill me when they find out about County Day," Lana groaned.
"Don't tell them," Pam said.
"I think they're going to figure it out when AJ is still in the house when she's thirty!" Lana snapped.
"Well you have time then," Pam shrugged.
"Please!" Cyril waved. "AJ will be fine! Just send her to public school which is pretty much free. It's the rest of us you should worry about!"
"Why are you guys whining about this?" Cheryl asked. "Just do what my ancestors did when a town or city got wise to them. Pull up stakes, steal as many valuables as you can carry and go on to the next town!"
"And where are we going to go, Cheryl?" Cyril snapped. "Fantasy Land?"
"Uh the Tunt Corporation's Main Headquarters is in New York," Cheryl looked at him. "And technically I still employ you so…."
"Wait you want to go back to New York?" Pam asked.
"I'm pretty sure they've forgotten about at least half the shit we've done," Cheryl shrugged. "And a lot of society people have either died or been indicted since we've been here."
"So…" Ray paused. "Just do what we were doing before, just back in New York."
"I know, it seems like a rebooting," Cheryl waved. "But it's technically not a rebooting, It's a resetting. They're similar, but not quite the same."
"It could work," Cyril realized. "And we're not even a detective agency anymore. It would be easier to just pick up and move into a new building."
"We could sit around and do nothing there just as easily as doing it here," Pam added.
"I miss New York," Lana admitted. "There, I said it!"
"Me too," Pam said. "Don't get me wrong, I had a lot of fun out here. Besides you know? Us getting arrested. Us being held hostage by killer clowns and getting shot at by bean bags. Us nearly getting killed several times. Us watching our future go slowly down the toilet."
"We get it, Pam," Lana sighed.
Pam went on. "Archer getting shot and being put in a coma. That whole Long Water mess. The earthquakes. The fires. The mudslides. The riots. The smog. The scorching heat…"
"I said we get it, Pam!" Lana snapped.
Pam paused. "Not to mention the traffic is a bitch."
"PAM!" Lana snapped.
"WHAT?" Pam shouted back.
"I get what Pam's saying," Ray said. "Oh, sure it's been fun seeing the sights and going to the beach at least twice a week…"
"When the beach isn't overcrowded," Krieger added. "Or closed down due to too much bacteria and toxins in the water."
"But I think I'm kind of over LA," Ray said. "Plus, I miss my old watering hole The Snug. It's just not the same out here."
"Especially since we've been kicked out of at least thirty bars in this city," Pam admitted.
"I thought it was only twenty-five?" Lana asked.
"Yeah well…" Pam winced. "Ray, Cheryl and I did a bar crawl a few nights ago. We got kicked out of a few places. Got in a few arguments. Started a few fights."
"Some places specifically told us to never return," Ray admitted.
"Some places burned to the ground," Cheryl grinned. "So, we can't anyway. Or anyone else."
"Going back to New York wouldn't be the worst thing in the world," Cyril admitted. "At least it would be an excuse to not pay the fines from the neighborhood association."
"You weren't going to pay them anyway," Ray pointed out.
"Yes, but now I have an excuse not to," Cyril told him.
"If we do go back, we're going to have to change our name again," Ray told him.
"Why?" Cyril asked.
"Because the name Figgis Agency has a bit of a stigma," Ray gave him a look. "Like a skunk has a slight odor."
"And it will be harder for our creditors here to find us," Pam added.
"Those are good points," Cyril thought. "How about the Figgis Corporation?"
"How about we put a pin in that for later?" Ray sighed.
"Okay, let's say we go back to New York. Where are we going to live?" Lana asked.
"Uh in New…" Cheryl began.
"Where in New York specifically!" Lana interrupted. "Most of us lost our old apartments when we left over a year ago!"
"Oh," Cheryl paused. "That makes much more sense. I didn't think of that."
"Of course, you didn't think of that," Pam said. "You're a Tunt. You own more real estate than the Rockefellers."
"That's not really saying much since those nut jobs lost a lot of their money and real estate years ago," Cheryl waved. "Ironically my father bought a lot of their old properties."
"Good for you," Cyril groaned.
"Actually, good for all of us," Cheryl said. "Why not just move in with me in one of my properties? I have to admit, it's a lot more fun living with you guys. Plus, my parents would have hated the fact that poor people live in Tunt Manor. That will teach them for being assholes!"
"I am not living in Tunt Manor again!" Ray snapped.
"Too many bad memories huh?" Cyril asked.
"You think?" Ray waved his bionic hand.
"For the record I agree with Ray," Cyril said. "Plus, that hallway with the stuffed butler gives me nightmares."
"Oh God I forgot about that," Lana shuddered.
"Relax," Cheryl waved. "I don't want to go back to that dump either. It's so Season Five. Fortunately, we don't have to! My great uncle Carlton Cornelius Van Tunt died and left me the Van Tunt Mansion in Manhattan."
"There aren't any killer plants are there?" Ray asked.
"Oh no," Cheryl shook her head. "Uncle Carlton hated those things too. Coincidentally, one of the killer plants ate his hand. And his favorite valet. That's one of the reasons there was a rift between him and my grandfather. Well that and the embezzlement."
"No dead stuffed butlers?" Lana asked. "Or other taxidermy items?"
"He wasn't into hunting for anything but a bargain," Cheryl told her. "Let's just say he and Ray have more in common than the plant eating hand thing."
"You mean he was…?" Ray realized.
"As a St. Patrick's Day parade in San Francisco," Cheryl nodded. "The only kids he had were his cats. And since he outlived them, Cecil and I got the lion's share. Hang on…I wonder if the lion is still alive?"
"Still better than the killer plants," Ray admitted. "Okay I'm in. But if there is a lion, I am not going near it!"
"Fair enough," Cheryl nodded.
"If we go back to New York, I could just tell my parents I pulled AJ out of County Day because we were moving," Lana thought. "That would certainly cover my ass."
"If we move out of LA all our asses would be covered," Pam told her.
"All we have to do is find a new office," Cyril said.
"I thought of that too," Cheryl grinned. "My real estate company has a lot of offices lined up. What they do is go to police or government auctions and buy the property for next to nothing under an assumed name. Mostly for tax purposes. And then the property is transferred or 'sold' to the Tunt Corporation for next to nothing. Then my company sells it and makes a huge profit."
"Wait, government auctions?" Lana realized something. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?"
"What? What is Neck Bird squawking about?" Pam looked confused.
"I think she means that her company bought our old agency from the government!" Ray realized. "She owns our old building!"
"Awww," Cheryl pouted. "You ruined it."
"You bought it on purpose," Ray realized. "To stick it to Ms. Archer."
"Yeah," Cheryl giggled. "I might sell it to you guys for shits and grins. Or keep it for giggles. Depends on which way the writers take it."
"I bet all our old equipment is still in there," Krieger realized. "It would make moving in a lot easier."
"There are a lot of great schools in New York," Lana rationalized. "I'm sure I can get AJ into one of them. I know it will take more than a transcript. I think my mother knows some people who knows some people."
"I could always hack into the computers and get AJ in that way," Krieger shrugged.
"I think Lana would find that highly unethical," Ray said.
"Screw ethics," Lana said. "I'm getting my kid into a decent school no matter what it takes!"
"Wow," Cheryl said. "Lana you just found something in common with some desperate housewives and Aunt Becky."
"I've already done bribing, blackmail and backstabbing to get AJ up to kindergarten," Lana snapped. "Forget the blackboard jungle. The Admissions Arctic Circle is ten times worse!"
"So we're all in agreement?" Cyril asked. "We're moving back to New York!"
"Hang on," Pam realized. "What about Archer?"
"What about him?" Cyril snapped. "I'm seriously asking."
"He's still in a coma," Pam said.
"We're not!" Ray snapped. "Screw him. We have our own lives to live!"
"Ray's right," Lana said. "A little insensitive but right. I have to do what's best for AJ."
"Oh yeah," Pam grumbled. "Use that excuse."
"Oh God give it a rest Saint Pamela," Cheryl rolled her eyes. "Archer's practically a vegetable. Since when do you care about those?"
"And what about Ms. Archer?" Pam realized. "She won't even think about leaving her son's side now."
"What about her?" Cheryl snorted.
"So what?" Pam asked clearly concerned. "We're just going to abandon them both while we go back to New York?"
"What are you going to do Pam?" Cyril asked. "Set up another bed next to Mallory's in the hospital room and just stay there until Archer wakes up?"
"That would be a fun way to spend a couple of years," Ray said sarcastically.
"Or decades," Cheryl added. "Or forever…"
Pam paused. "Then again Archer could always catch a plane when he wakes up."
"I'll start packing my lab," Krieger called out.
SMASH!
"What the hell was that?" Lana asked.
Ray went to investigate and came back. "Somebody threw a rock in our lower window. There's a note. It says: Pay by tomorrow night or else."
"Pack quickly Krieger!" Cyril ordered.