Though the war had seared her skin and left smoke plumes billowing in the stars, the great ship Nimbus still held up enough to trail Planet Express. By extension, a reward for Zapp and his 'efforts' of rescue…
"Captain's Journal, star date 10031.9. Saving—"
"Sir, that's not even a real—"
"Quiet Kif, I'm dictating! Ahem… Taking the fight to Chapek-9 and saving my beloved, I am now anticipating an erotic frequency of gratitude. To prepare for this celebratory occasion, I've had my loyal friend Kif bring me my vintage champaggin, and wash up my quarters top to bottom… Mmmm, smells and feels so good, just like me."
Kif could only grumble as he hit the keys: "Or doing the exact opposite, as always…"
"Excuse me Kif… Did you have anything to say?"
"Oh nothing sir. Nothing you haven't ignored before."
Kif hid hues of red and blue under his green skin; to be ordered about WHILE his head was on pivot, ears out and heart bleeding for the carnage he'd seen. For every soldier rushed in stampedes to a Med-Bay, the bridge would be flooded and drowned in thousands of reports, of husbands and fathers unable to come home.
And it didn't take Baker Street's finest to deduce where the General's heart was set; between his lungs, and to no-one nor nowhere else. From Private to Fourth Lieutenant, whispers were imagined and had grown of a punishment proper enough to right such a travesty.
Little did they know that one could sometimes deliver on such outlandish requests…
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Fully aware of being tailed and the potential reasons why, Captain Leela took a set of deep breaths before she sent her frequency. Staring dead-eyed as the General smirked and rubbed his gown in supposed seduction, she came moments from betraying her true intentions right there.
"Permission to come aboard your ship, 'General'?"
"Why of course Leela, never thought you'd ask! Let us celebrate this glorious victory together; a little cham-paggin, and a Lovenasium to rock your world."
Giving a groan after she hung up, she soon docked inside and left her charge for a Med-Bay, before an unnamed private led her to bridge. There she found Zapp lazing, fat leg crossed over while Kif sighed by his side. For looking around, everyone seemed small in this base of operations—taxpayer-funded, naturally.
Not that she noticed against all the chaos and headless chattering, nor as Brannigan swirled his empty glass and lavished over his lamb chop. While Kif poured the drinks, he caught Leela's eye and shook his head, before he put the bottle down and slunk off to monitor everything.
Again a good breath or two to collect herself, as she cleared her throat and palmed her hip.
"So General, how many men did you lose down there?"
"That's kicking our party off on a morbid note, isn't it Leela?"
"Just answer, for my own curiosity if anything."
"Ah nothing serious my sweet; for usual numbers it's not worth bothering about. 50-100 thousand to my recall, and casualty reports keep rolling in. I oughta rent myself a medal, but first, I'll just enjoy this moment with you."
"Riiiiiight… So something's been bothering me, that I thought you could clear up. At that gala two months ago, you told my fellow crewman & fiancé, and I quote, 'the very MINUTE you falter, for any reason, I'll be on her…' Correct?"
"Yes, I could imagine myself saying such a daring thing."
"Could you? Could you also pick the exact time you'd act on such words, say, during a private meeting where things were well in hand? We wrap things up, and somehow, YOU come to spark a war that not only left us fighting for our lives, but severed all good things going with the Robot Homeworld. I can't call that coincidence; how did you know, and why did you come?"
"Brilliant, isn't I darling? Wishing to wage war for your hand, and knowing Thomas as a coward for not fighting, I used location trackers to trap him in a hostile situation. To see if he'd prove capable under Brannigan's Law; hard & fast, like my love…"
Leela's hand started to grip the glass; the beginnings of her whole body shivering.
"Was all to determine if he had the 'guts' to save you. Guess he passed my test, even if he got Swiss cheesed!"
His callous chuckle left her eye crackling something electric; the idiot had manipulated those events from day dot. Tried to worm into her life once again, and now tens of thousands were destined for the grave.
Who knew how many there'd be to follow…
Leela's grip grew stronger, almost began to form cracks. Every warning sign thought possible, and Zapp blundering headlong past them.
"Please, no need to thank me beautiful, just my duty as Starship Captain. Though a kiss would be a great start!" He then bent forward, offered his lips to smooch, and began dreaming of her tongue.
Calm as could be, Leela walked a few feet or so to set her glass aside, before eyeing the General. A full head taller and almost twice her size, but her skills, experience and previous encounters had far outclassed such problems.
"So… You want a kiss, Big Z? Her tone took a romantic lilt. "Kneel down, and close your eyes."
Prayers answered, so it seemed, as the General obliged in an instant.
"On behalf of myself, Captain Turanga Leela… On behalf of my crew and colleagues at Planet Express… On behalf of the citizens of Chapek-9 and finally, on behalf of the soldiers who've fallen in service to you… Here's the biggest kiss you deserve."
A small silent spit in her hands, a rub-together, a flex of fingers, and then a thunderous crack of her palm to his cheek. One that might've been heard in a vacuum; certainly inside the bridge as the Nimbus stopped dead silent and The General dropped his glass. One to shatter to bits, just like his chances even before this incident.
"My babe, what's the big—?"
Only a lone tear before a ruthless uppercut snapped his jaw shut, before a front kick crashed into his face and dropped him on his back. The full mount to come moments later, and combo after combo wherever she could reach. No instant hand-wraps, grappling gloves or tape required.
Crushing hand stabs in the throat, blistering elbows in the face, solid fists to the nose… Similar to warm-ups she'd once struggle to justify, she broke down that sack of wet concrete, all as he struggled to get hands up. Slap after slap in punctuating her next words, using all the force she could muster.
"Get. This. Through. Your. Head, you two-tonned, toupeed TWIT! You and I were a mistake, and I never wanted you in my life. Your pretend hero fantasies do nothing but fail, and this latest stalker bullshit almost cost us our LIVES! In those sympathy cards to the widows & children, whatever will you write?"
Seizing his outfit, her nose came inches from Zapp's bloody own.
"I won't warn you again… Stay the hell out, got it?"
Especially against her fiancé's 'betrayal', Zapp hadn't a clue between the coughs of blood.
"What would little Thomas understand of loyalty, of the depths I'd travel? I sacrificed all those men for you today, just for one sexy night of you!"
"I saw him battle beside me, while you hid in your ship. And if those good men weren't there, then what? If your stunt had backfired and killed me, where would you have gone then, Slurm-for-brains?"
"Good men, when all they did was whine & die? 'Sir, my insides were fried!' 'Oh God sir, I've lost a limb!' Always tell them they signed up for the good of my country and planet, not for themselves."
Leela began to growl, as more velour bunched into her hands: "If they had a choice, you'd HAVE no men! So help me if you say one more word, I'll rip those fake flashy whites out of your mouth, do I make myself clear?"
"They're dead and he's dead girly, get over it! They'll rot in pieces, while no-one gets between us… Now if you'll just straddle down a little lower; give my Zapper a recharge?" A weak 'click-click' of his teeth, a wink to go along.
Pushed over the cliff-edge, her hands wrapped quick around his throat, before repeated head strikes busted his whole face open. Telling how no single soul tried to intervene, even for the punishment and cries for help.
That Zapp never considered, DOOP's forces-wide prayers of retribution were answered, a minor if just payback for the years of messes left behind. In just this feature-length battle alone, years of a beneficial relationship with Chapek-9 had been obliterated to dust. A further blemish to a filth-riddled leadership; tens of thousands tonight, millions at BEST over his decade as General.
Coated in his blood, Leela rose to her feet and turned to walk away, taking in all the air she could while he rolled in agony. A life lesson taught, but perhaps, a need to tack on an addendum of sorts…
"So your Zapper needs a recharge huh? It's too bad I've been good at dismantling lately…"
A swift turn and run-up later, she drove her size-12 boot into those 'Brannigan's Boys', having a most malevolent grin as Zapp screamed falsetto, gagged, and grieved once more. Stood there for a minute or two, before she decided to ask for the bathroom.
No-one gave any directions, but far from expecting arrest, she was surprised to hear clapping and eventually, breakouts of cheering around the bridge. Cheers became roars, the word began to spread, and Kif himself looked like he'd been surrounded by Amy Wongs, all in lingerie.
"How strange, I should've been gunned down for that…"
Handshakes and back pats before she reached the dock; walking towards her ship, the soldiers formed a guard of honour; bending to knees or worshipping her very ground. The same unnamed private had gushed over her, looking to a true heroine as she climbed the stairs to her bridge.
Blushing red and beyond pleased for the flattery, one hand hid her goofiest grin yet, and the other waved goodbye until she vanished from the bay. If only she had known that kicking Zapp's ass could feel so good, outside of the deed itself…
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Allowing some Auto-Pilot to wash off and scrub away the General's blood, Leela set an automatic course to Earth and met back up with her crew. Bender was drinking a leftover beer, and Amy's eyes were scanning an old magazine.
Phase One of a year-long puzzle finally solved; now as she called them in, a huddle of sorts to enjoy.
"Crew, it's my pleasure over duty to welcome Bender Rodriguez back into our ranks. Bender, I don't blame you for thinking that we forgot you on purpose, but in truth, it's so great to have you here again."
Went in for a hug, until a sudden aggressive spat cut her short.
"Who in the hell is this 'Bender' you're referring to, witchy woman?"
"Oh Lord, don't tell me you prefer Mayor Rodriguez from now on."
"Wrong again stretch pants, I've never recognised such names in my database! If you ever paid attention at all, you'd have known that you were rescuing—"
He worked his hands in his cabinet, before spinning around, an all too familiar patch on his chin.
"Flexo!"
Amy and Leela could only clap hands to their head, gasping upon such a reveal.
"All that effort, destruction, chaos & bloodshed, and we got the wrong robot?! Son-of-a-bitch, we have to go back!"
Had already made the wheel, and was about to veer them around when she heard heavy laughter.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHA, you should've seen your face! That's what you get for forgetting me, Bender."
He took the magnetic patch off; Leela responded with a subtle nod before she stood and yelled 'Hi-yah!'; re-introducing her boot's underside to his chin.
"Aye Chihuahua, that hurt!"
But all was forgiven as Leela offered a hand, he went "Aw, what the heck?", and they both hugged fearing to let go. A happiness both salty & greasy, to share.
"You know I really did miss you back home… Hell, one day I'll say I love you."
"Shut up big boots, I know it! My greatness demands high expectations, and I'll admit, you were all quite adequate out there even with my help."
A wry laugh: "Yup, that's our Bender alright. Credit where it's due; the fact you fought back might've been the difference between escape and an early grave. Thank you for redeeming yourself, somewhat anyway."
"That's good enough for me, I say! I'll be in the cabin, if any of you losers wanna bother me. And whoever's touched my stuff while I've been gone…"
Off he would strut, folk songs sung as Leela shook her head and smiled. As Phase Two began in earnest, she fixed a determined gaze on Amy.
"First of all Amy, I'm real proud of you for stepping up back there. Second, I imagine that Chapek-9 and Bender's rescue is gonna expose our original plans, so we must act on some alternatives."
"How do you mean, ma'am? There reasons why we can't rest for a little while?"
"That creepy, combed-over Captain, for one. I can't imagine that Zookeeper doesn't have contacts inside his army, that such actions wouldn't have been relayed."
"Shmease, you think Zapp hadn't killed them off by now? I'd be more worried about his bounty on your head."
"Heh, good point. If I were any other woman, I'm sure he or DOOP would've made it so. Least my message to The Zookeeper's clear; he's talked and backed a loud game for his tortures & letters, but he hasn't heard my whisper yet."
Leela cradled her fists and paced around, while Amy shook in eager shivers herself.
"Now that we have criminals to fight criminals, I now dub that Operation Pitchfork has begun."
Amy tilted her head in confusion: "Operation Pitchfork?"
"Three-pronged attack; annihilate his properties, sever his networks, take him on face-to-face. I'll admit that the third stage's a work in progress."
"Permission to speak, Captain?"
"Go ahead."
"After all those months of wondering about that maniac, it's about damn time we fought back. So who's doing what, or are we all together?"
"By virtue of your parents, you'll be out to break his connections. We've got his footage and letters; those rich types won't ignore such poor actions, especially if they're at risk. That covers you, could you go fetch Bender for me please?"
"Aye Captain!"
She'd return sometime later with an annoyed Bender, sweats on his brow and magazine in his hand. Just processes and procedures for the construction of robots, usually anyway. It had Leela chide him while squirming, before she made her latest mission clear.
"Screw that Captain, in saving your fleshy asses, I've done enough work to last me a whole month!"
Leela stood there unmoved.
"Now if you'll excusez-moi, I'm going to enjoy my private reflection!"
"I see, real shame that is. Guess after a year of keeping things in order, you forget what it's like to be a champion of chaos, a master of mayhem…"
Bender came to a mid-step stop, his antenna springing to attention.
"Ello, what's that you say then? You speak of vandalism and property damage m'lady, there's no better robot than me, Bender."
"Ohhhh, is that so? Okay, see how good you really are. We're gonna add a few more felonies to your rap sheet; get among your buddies and give The Zookeeper a genuine lesson in villainy. Find whatever you can to highlight his reach; businesses, warehouses, I don't care, then tear those bastards down. Having lost so often, I believe we can help him remember what that's like… Sound good to you?"
"Hell yes, Captain, I'm rarin' to go!"
Amy spoke up, as Bender got to jigging: "So that leaves the face-to-face confrontation for you. What do you think you'll do against a man who seemed so untouchable, for so long?"
"Hurts to say, but it's been a while since I've travelled that far. I just hope those wormholes are still around, otherwise I'll be dead before I even get halfway."
Amy sidled in close: "You hoping for the best, ma'am?"
"You already know the answer, don't you? Put Kif in Fry's place, and for just as long, and see how you'd go. What did you see in me when I got those gifts, saw his video, had that dance back at Bellevue?"
"That he was truly the one? Such a love so deep & satisfying, it only makes me miss Kif more."
As she gave a shoulder pat, they both had a hug; true friends even for the digs & jabs. A hold for some time, before Leela stood straight.
"Okay, enough mush, we've work to do. After a shop and drop-off on Earth, I'm going to leave you on Mars before I take off. I know you have your reasons, but they are your ticket into ruining Fatboy. Work whatever angle you must, clear?
"You've got it, ma'am! Though I can't say I'll be looking forward to it."
"As for you Bender, I want you to raise hell like you've never raised it before. I want the Robot Devil himself packing his bags to move up here. You get the picture?"
"Oh you bet your mutant ass I do!"
"Good luck everyone, and for the good of Earth, for Planet Express, for Fry and for everybody, let's put that bloated sack of crap on the endangered list!"
A holler given as hands went in together, the crew then assumed their positions and moved for Earth. Even before The Zookeeper, they had come to know of serial killers, criminals, con artists, governments and violent aliens, their fair share of rather toxic or maddening characters.
But even for such experience, this was the right time to break out the thick gloves and hazmat suits.