"So good to me… Guess there's always Zookeeper's defeat to reflect on."
Nearly five months from first tasting city soil, Mayfield gave just heavy shrugs as he woke for his latest week of overdue deliveries. Of an anger hotter than the toaster he got going, when he heard a sudden crunch on his balcony.
First might've thought it to be his Captain, but backed off quick when it resembled 'Admiral Fry' at a glance.
"Bloody invite yourself in, then…"
Keeping a cautious eye open as he munched his buttered bread, as he buttoned up his usual wears, he noticed the creature do nothing but upend couch cushions, peer through drawers, search under counters…
It was the disembodied voice that made them most unwelcome: "Perhaps you oughta be more thorough. Take the place apart, it's not like he can stop you…"
Mayfield had only dry gulps as the mysterious creature hammer fisted, karate chopped, and gripped to crack, chip and rip up everything in its path. Heart reaching his throat in real time, his apartment had been splintered through, folded in half, or left as a mess of fluff, metal & material.
His head swivelling towards the front door or bathroom, he tried to weigh each option as thorough and quick as he could. Having no cream on him, he wouldn't escape for long. Yet chancing the cream would make a foregone conclusion come sooner… But worse was to come, for the simpering, slick tone to now echo about.
"Well, heroes DO surprise me. First they steal, now they lie. Get your host to show you, any means will do."
"Ohhhhhh shit!"
Had no such barriers nor time to prepare before that thing stalked him, seized the scruff of his neck. A loud chuckle in the walls, of both delight & malice.
"It looks like our delivery boy's back from the dead… Most joyous news! A detour I'll soon correct, unless you hand over your creams."
"I gave them away."
"You haven't been here to do that since I placed you in a coma. So cut the crap, where are they?"
"What difference would it make? Take my stash, we'll just make more."
Zookeeper had the kid javelined through his bedroom door: "You believe so? Must I remind you of how I reward defiance? Your friends are learning their lessons; I'll end it early for your creams."
"Fine arsehole… I'll lead you there, just leave me alone."
Nowhere to run or hide, the kid upon reveal was soon sent crashing through the bathroom door, picking splinters and stemming wounds before he peeled off some tiles. Tried fiddling with his safe lock to stall for time, but didn't fool that villain for long. He was dragged aside, the safe was burst through, his creams were seized, and the walls started to snicker.
"A trade's a trade, Thomas… Private, kill our host, and by all means take your time."
Could only spit in the beast's face, scared for his leave before sudden rushes of wind and combos broke that would-be massacre up.
"Hold still kid!"
Captain Leela, having held her own against Mayfield's nightmare, had used those precious seconds to power up her charge, enough to ready him once Leela's creature burst through. Splitting the battle via an eye-poke, he knew for better experience that he was at a disadvantage.
Long as he could hold them off, adapt while they learned on the fly…
The apartment was already a bomb test long before Mayfield or the creature pulled out every dirty trick, weapon strike and use of environment they could. Even for the occasional slip, his defensive game was just enough to let his Captain exploit her aggressor's weak angles. No wall voices could counter such tactics, read those instincts or challenge those strengths; she emerged victorious by dropping the creature cold.
Fights grew much easier once she double-teamed and curb stomped Mayfield's intruder, as they allowed themselves a small moment to survey the damage, to ventilate against their latest brush from the Reaper.
"Sweet thundering Almighty… What in the HELL were those things?!"
"Spare me your freak-outs Thomas, we've got to save the others!"
Hearing no more voices in the walls, Mayfield snatched his creams back, helped drag a body into the Hudson, and took a good run-up to clear that four-mile gap. Gusts of wind in racing after Leela, soon reaching the immaculate, towering spire that was Amy's upscale apartment. A unique beauty of lemons, hazelnuts and wine, compared to its surrounds of prismed and rocket-shaped dwellings beneath it.
Once he got over his protest for Leela tossing him to top floor, Mayfield spotted Amy swearing in Cantonese, swatting a mop against the toying, 'friendly' horror to face her. Maybe making a similar offer; if Zookeeper ever knew of her true role…
As it stood, all they wanted were the creams, at least until Captain and charge stepped in.
Leela began barking orders to attract attention, and protect her co-pilot while she let her fists and Mayfield's boots drown out the wall's words. Their two-on-one soon silenced that creature, maybe for good when Amy powered up and assisted in sending them sailing towards the horizon.
Next stop was Robot Arms Apartments; yet another Bender rescue as Leela led them up those stairs. Could've been a couple hundred stories of bullet speed running, before they tore through the door of Room 00100100. The dollar sign in his language, perhaps appropriate for seeing him get the sense pounded out of him.
Another would-be world champion, before the three bum-rushed them to cut such dreams short. Dumping the Hell-damned beast out the window, its impact causing a mini-quake to alarm several residents within, the four crew members soon found themselves in a huddle. Verges of tears, as the adrenaline wore off, as they rubbed themselves down again to make sure.
"The hell does it take? We went through all that trouble for nothing?" Leela looked close to tearing her ponytail off.
"It's been your efforts to keep us breathing Captain, so thank you. Didn't think he'd sit quiet, but this…" Mayfield was caught between shoulder pats and dazed facepalms.
Amy fell in racks into Leela's shoulder, as Bender hugged them all: "For all the black holes, hostile aliens, extreme environments and nasty customers, I'd rather relive them back-to-back…"
Obvious scares and escalated threats be damned, Leela knew she had to let her Captain side overtake the civilian.
"Can say that again Amy. I know I grabbed that sample and I know I handed it to you Thomas… You did what I asked, right?"
"Seriously Captain? Of course I did! Between you giving me my second chance, and him who tried to rip that apart, who'd you think I'd side with? Even for the beat-downs, it's no contest."
"Appreciate it kid. Well can only imagine that unless he had a spare, he stole his sample back. Which means…"
"The Professor!" they all called out at once. They gathered ready to rush off, before Bender yelled out.
"Oh, yeah, thank you very much meatbags! You expect me, Bender, to live good and well in this dump?"
Leela's eye could've melted iron: "We've got more pressing matters, so either you clean up, or you join us. I've not the time nor mood for anything else."
Her young charge gulped: "Hundred percent. Time we separate the commanders from the red shirts; if we don't get ideas cooking soon, then we'd better hope our cream makes a great lubricant."
¸.·ˆ¯)¸.·ˆ¯)¸.·ˆ¯)¸.·ˆ¯)¸.·ˆ¯)¸.·ˆ¯)
Scorching trails of fire through the city streets, everyone arrived at HQ to find a gibbering Professor being tended to by Zoidberg & Hermes. Despite all evidence to the contrary, the ancient one had refused to believe that he slept the whole weekend away.
Leela almost broke his neck for shaking him: "Okay Hubert, you mind telling me why we were ATTACKED in our own homes this morning?"
"Think I've got any clue Leela? I feared we were getting time skips again; Hermes damn near dropped me dead for telling me it was Monday. Go get the Memoray, would you?"
Once he set his grey matter aglow, he bored them of every last excruciating detail—time and date of waking, to all the steps counted, to fridge model numbers—before he remembered being choked aloft, hearing all those distinct threats, and his squeal to save Fry's life. An hour's story or so, which had ended with their chokehold and his fade to black.
Leela could only roar for leaving the Zookeeper alive—"I should've goddamned known!"—while Mayfield stumbled back into the railing.
"Wait whoa, say that again?"
"Yes Mayflower… Not only did he steal my blueprints, he smashed HQ's machine to bits. Raided anything he got those greasy paws on."
"Hijo de puta, oh mierda… Please tell me you've still got the sample?"
"You asked that I kept it 'safe', and I did."
"Thank the merciful heavens… Least we've got something against the hell to come. And it's gonna be some seventh-layer shit."
"Meaning what, kid?"
"Meaning, Captain, that Zookeeper not only cut our legs off, he's created a mechanical monster out of them. Those four bastards we faced were just appetisers; he keeps cranking them out, we'll be lucky to last 'till Halloween… How appropriate."
"So in so many words, you're saying that we'd be—"
"DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!"
"Thank you Bender. And unless we get this BIG problem fixed, our customers can go straight to hell. Do I speak on everyone's behalf?"
The Professor's protests were drowned under choruses of "Amen!" and "Hear hear!" Defeated, he stood and cracked his back.
"Oh foo, well I s'pose I'd best call some fellow brains to our cause. Thought about curing Fry's enslavement all those weeks, and I'm thinking I could reverse-engineer that sample into an antidote."
Zoidberg piped up as he sponged his forehead: "But even for calling every scientist on Earth, why not, how long could such a thing take?"
"Damned if I know, Johnny! An hour, the rest of my life, a hundred million years? I'm as clueless now as you've been always."
"Well better be quick about it, 'cause we can't afford much more," Leela declared. "As for us crew, we're gonna need places to hide… Suggestions?"
"I take it we can't just hunker down somewhere on Earth, hoping to wait this mess out?"
"Quite right kid, in fact, I'd be tempted to think that Earth's out of the question altogether." She then massaged her head: "Think, you caffeine-deprived brain, think… How about Amazonia?"
"Much as I'd love a 12-foot, one-tonne lady of muscle to look after us, Captain, I gotta be blunt here. They never struck me as bright; I can't imagine they'd fare well against such adaptive creatures."
"Floor's yours pal,"—Leela frowned and crossed arms—"if you think you've any better ideas."
"Look, there'd never be enough cream to power them up, it'd take too long even if there was, and against all those, foolish pride would have them refuse it anyway! Crazy as it might sound, did you ever pass a planet of superheroes by chance?"
"Ughhh…" An eye roll to meet her brain. "Thomas, hate to harsh your dreams, but that's the dumbest thing I've heard from you! What kind of planet, this 'utopia' if you will, would remain without ordinary citizens to save?"
"Isn't Earth just a grain of sand here? What about the entire beach of possibilities to discover?"
"Get this through—"
"You mean there's—"
"Get this through your head kid, no such place exists! Believe you me, I'd just LOVE to magic this crap out, but anything you've ever known, dreamed of or couldn't imagine, we've gone and delivered it there, if not mapped it out. It's not happening, end of story."
His shoulders and eyes sank: "Lady Killer AND dream killer, huh?"
"If you remember how I grew up, that should come as no surprise."
"I hear ya. Wished for miracles your whole life; save for rare friendship you were let down & hurt. Guess if you wanted them, you had to be them huh?"
"Can't get careless or complacent, when neither Gods nor man stay in your corner for long. You know our creed by now."
"Pfft, easier said when you've had to do so your whole life. Were it any other situation for me, the bugs would've picked my bones clean by now."
As the crew racked their brains, The Professor had made his calls; soon none other than Dr. Ogden Wernstrom had strutted into the hangar and towards the lab. With Chinese grad students in tow, he felt his bowels shrivel for the old teacher who addressed him.
"WERNSTROM!"
"Great, had to be the Death Clock schlock to lead this experiment… Just get Leela to take me to Mars, would you?"
"You'll get the door instead. Besides, once Earth goes, you know Mars will be next. I'd only regret not living to see you get ripped apart."
Their petty beef over penmanship and grading had sizzled for some time, before those Chinese students got in between. Bitter roots became begrudging stalemates; now came the time to study that compound, and answer the big questions.
Questions that between crew, had Mayfield in surrendering shrugs and throws of hand, his suggestions shot down as Leela gave them mournful grimaces. A small break to caffeinate, then she laid it on them.
"This'll be the worst decision bar none that I'll make as Captain, but maybe we'd better stay back and fight."
"Abso-fucking-lutely!" Mayfield pitched. "You already forgot that last hour?"
"Do I look like I have, Thomas? No, but who's to say that we've got a choice now? We keep running, and he'll just stalk and hunt us down with impunity. What would that solve? To finish this nonsense, we put him away or worst case, we put him down."
"Worst case my arse, it's open-and-shut that he should die screaming!"
"No way kid. For starters, that's much quicker than he deserves."
"You think we can afford such a frivolous luxury now? If just those four gave us such trouble…"
The conclusion grew more obvious, and less desired, for each passing moment. Only one team had the money and resources to possibly outdo such forces, and that was the biggest tuna of all. Featuring the absolute most rotten of heads, as Mayfield had come to realise.
"Guys, give me your worst if I deserve it… I think we'll be needing DOOP's help on this one."
Leela could've fell, instead she stood aghast: "Oh no, are you INSANE?! How in every Lord's name do you think Captain Catastrophe will lead us to victory? He lost over a hundred thousand men and almost our lives, against worthless robots for comparison."
Bender glared and got in her face: "You watch your mouth, Leela! Robots will never be inferior to humans."
"Sorry Bender, but she's got a point. Against Archbury, your former citizens wouldn't stand a chance, and only our army's got the means to match him. Look Captain, we've got nothing we can exploit over them, and besides all that, did I say that Zapp would be in command?"
Her face steamed fit to burst: "We'd have no choice idiot, don't you get that? He's done countless things that any other time, would've seen him martialled and marched out of an airlock. Nixon's given his full support, and even DOOP doesn't care now! Man acts like he's General-for-Life, but he might as well be."
A rub of the beard: "Maybe there's one person, even if—"
"Choose your next words carefully pal, unless so help me Lord, you want to be bitch-slapped to death by your other arm. Got it?"
"How did Fry ever handle a woman like her?" The threat had him zip his jacket, almost dropping cold then & there.
"Back the hell off! To clarify, I'm asking about being WITH him, not ON him. To get that self-absorbed dolt wrapped 'round your finger, however you do so, before putting that two-faced fat bastard to sleep. After that, we can insert Kif as the new leader."
"Kif's been Brannigan's bitch for years, you really expect that he'll stand up to him, to our President, or to The Zookeeper?"
Amy palmed her hips, a little indignant: "Hello, Earth to Leela? ANYONE'S a better leader than Zapp, you know this. You talk of combat, recon, diplomacy, operations, work ethic & results, that's like pitting you and Thomas in a fight to the death!"
"God, I hope not!"
"I'm talking, so quiet rookie. Anyway, you don't think my Kiffy harbours quiet resentment for that? Being sullied with orders not even a Private would suffer? Always knowing he's much more capable than literal slavery? Constantly fearing that some trumped-up discharge could scrub away his entire life?"
Mayfield shrunk back inside, withering from his Captain's cross gaze. "When I thought I couldn't hate a man more… That rancid little c—"
"Consider that, guys. Zapp falters for ANY reason, and Kif will snatch that seat of command so fast he'll redefine light-speed. Anything to escape that puffed-up pig's shadow."
Upon calls for 'Ayes' and 'Nays', Leela only groaned once the 'Ayes' overwhelmingly won. Now the next stage of Operation Overkill—who'd be best for what, and why.
"Being the most social one around here,"—Amy kicked off—"I believe I've got a plan. Bender will grab what we need to award Zapp his 'R&R'. I'll date Kif in the meanwhile, take Thomas as the 'wildcard'. And Captain, my deepest apologies, but you'll have the honours of seducing Zapp one-on-one."
Leela got close as to butt her co-pilot's head: "We might be friends Amy, but you still better have a damn good reason."
"Could I offer my take, Captain?"
"I believe I asked her, kid, not you."
"I'd sooner take the hits for lack of justification. After all, who's the experienced one of us both?"
"Well, guess his sarcasm saves you Amy…" Leela then eyeballed Mayfield. "Okay, but it's your head now."
"Back in my comfort zone, it'd seem. Keeping it short, sweet & simple, there's three factors here. First, if work's anything to go by, Bender could outdrink a fish and out-smoke a burning fire. That's an obvious gimme."
A thud of his chest: "Damn right I do, chrome-dome!"
"Second, Amy must go on that date, and if you go with her, that leaves me to Zapp. You still believe I've got an ice cube's chance in hell of a civil meeting? Especially when you want me to convince him, for his slave of all beings, to briefly give up his command? Guy would choke my life away, if not laugh at the absurdity."
"How do you think I feel? I never gave the story of how our relationship came to be, maybe it's time you knew."
"That I recall, no you didn't."
One of few adventures she hadn't revealed in his apartment told him about her string of unsuccessful dates, their early mission to Vergon-6, her first encounter with Zapp, and their private meeting where privates met. Safe to say, Mayfield almost turned inward once she finished.
"And you wonder why I've loathed him all these years."
"Bugger me sideways… I'm sorry to hear that. Even so, he was prepared to kill entire cities of men for your hand and especially my end. What does that tell you of our mutual hatred? Wouldn't surprise me if he ordered no witnesses, all means of escape locked down."
"That's a risk I'm prepared to take."
"Which brings me to point number three, that Kif and I don't know each other, that I can provoke the most natural reaction from him. Besides, he sounds like a creature who wouldn't fight his shadow, never mind a woman of your skill. I've that tough-guy look to convincingly steal the lone light of his life, 'encourage' his fight back. He beats me up, Amy gives him that 'wink & nudge', and then his confidence will take flight."
"And you really think you're just going to reverse all those years of damage, harassment and incompetency over a date, maybe a few if afforded?"
"I can't imagine nor expect a damn thing to happen. But better a slim chance than no chance."
His eyes glinted as hers when a lone hand met her shoulder.
"You go along, I'll come aboard in a heartbeat if need be. Matter of fact, between now and whenever you date, I'll offer my arse for a kicking. And for our universe at stake, I'll make it no holds barred. Just in case Zapp tries any shit against you."
"Thomas, how could I ever entertain that idea? For yet another homeless asshole when we first met, you've been beaten, 'heartbroken', interrogated, ripped apart, caught in war and bargained for in the months since. All to hear my story, avoid that creep's hand, and try to rescue my friends. For listing people I'd rather not beat, you're light-years ahead of Zapp here."
"That'll be all for nothing if our plan fumbles apart. Zapp fancies himself an alpha, and he WILL establish his dominance one way or another. I'd rather you beat me up to practice against such situations, than to give that smug prick his chance."
"I'll keep that firmly in mind… Okay everybody, hands or fists in."
A huge cry to battle sounded, as the crew went their separate ways. Best they had it seemed, against the vicious air ripped from their lungs.
¸.·ˆ¯)¸.·ˆ¯)¸.·ˆ¯)¸.·ˆ¯)¸.·ˆ¯)¸.·ˆ¯)
Leela had to listen to Brannigan praise himself until, in great huffing breaths, he grabbed his phone. Stomach still gurgling, she made it quick and clear that she wanted a private date for Friday evening, a chance to have her assaults forgiven, and to get that much-needed backup. Hung up right after, not wanting to chance any conversation.
Quite a few things for her shopping list now; a modest yet imaginative dress, and perhaps a gallon of petroleum jelly in case he got too grabby. Couldn't use Miracle Cream; the temptation to rip him apart would've been too great.
Second, some topics to keep her date chatting, since his mind might've orbited around doing the horizontal Charleston. More a matter of personal pride, to avoid his self-proclaimed prowess in bed.
And finally, a wish upon trillions of stars that, hopefully, he wouldn't do anything stupid or regrettable.
While Amy grabbed a taxi alongside Mayfield to head to her pad, to hopefully organise a date herself, Bender had remained at HQ, humming for inspiration. Every last vice he'd partaken in, every single crime in his name, and yet uncertainty of anything to cause that temporary coup d'etat…
And then a sudden answer; long before his sources officially turned their backs, they helped him confirm a certain elixir. One where a single shot could kill anything but robots and real iron-livered humans, the Maltese Liquor.
Was said to be an impossible 210-proof whiskey—more alcohol than beverage—that lied in the massive wine cellar of his powerful local senator, Hedonismbot. A few surreptitious drip-drips in either meal or wine, and Zapp would be dozing before dessert, maybe beyond the war to come if lucky.
The odds now as rigged as his games, perhaps more, he knew it'd take returns to his distant past and the rarest of present grave concerns, to succeed. And as he headed towards the front door, he made his intentions known.
"Such a heist could be beyond Bender-esque, but I don't call myself Bender the Magnificent for nothing."